The table and charts show the number of doctors and percentages of different groups of doctors in Australia from 1986 to 2006

This diagram illustrates the number and the fraction of different groups of doctors in Australia during the time period of 1986 to 2006.

In general, the quantity of medics throughout the time period has increased, the percentage of female doctors have increased while the male doctors have decreased. The fraction of overseas doctors and local doctors has experienced a similar trend respectively.

During the year 1986, the number of medics was 27000 in total, 70% of them were males, around 90% were local doctors. After that, the number of doctors increased in 2000, making the total of 29000 doctors in 1996. The percentage of female doctors rose from 30 to 40%, decreasing the fraction of male medics to 60%. As well as the trend for female doctors, the percentage of foreign doctors working in Australia increased from around 10 to 30%.

At the end of the time period, Australia took a leap in the quantity of doctors, from 29000 to 35000. The male medics’ percentage dropped significantly, the fraction was 45% in that year, decreasing 15% from the year 1996, the percentage of local doctors also fell down around 20%, from 70 to 50%, making the number of overseas and local doctors to be the same.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"the number and the fraction of different groups of doctors" -> "the number and proportion of various groups of doctors"
Explanation: "Proportion" is more precise than "fraction" in this context, and "various" is a more formal alternative to "different."
"the quantity of medics" -> "the number of medical practitioners"
Explanation: "Number" is more appropriate in this context than "quantity," which is often used for uncountable nouns. "Medical practitioners" is a more formal term than "medics."
"the percentage of female doctors have increased" -> "the percentage of female doctors has increased"
Explanation: The subject "percentage" is singular, so it requires the singular verb "has" for grammatical agreement.
"the fraction of overseas doctors and local doctors has experienced a similar trend respectively" -> "the proportions of overseas and local doctors have experienced similar trends"
Explanation: "Proportions" is a more formal term than "fraction," and "similar trends" is more concise than "a similar trend respectively."
"the number of medics was 27000 in total" -> "the total number of medical practitioners was 27,000"
Explanation: "Total number" is clearer and more formal, and using a comma in "27,000" improves readability.
"around 90% were local doctors" -> "approximately 90% were local practitioners"
Explanation: "Approximately" is more formal than "around," and "practitioners" maintains consistency with earlier terminology.
"the number of doctors increased in 2000, making the total of 29000 doctors in 1996" -> "the number of doctors increased to 29,000 by 2000"
Explanation: This revision clarifies the timeline and corrects the year reference, improving coherence.
"decreasing the fraction of male medics to 60%" -> "resulting in a decrease in the proportion of male practitioners to 60%"
Explanation: "Resulting in" provides a clearer causal relationship, and "proportion" is more formal than "fraction."
"As well as the trend for female doctors" -> "In addition to the trend for female doctors"
Explanation: "In addition to" is a more formal phrase than "as well as," enhancing academic tone.
"the percentage of foreign doctors working in Australia increased from around 10 to 30%" -> "the percentage of international doctors practicing in Australia increased from approximately 10% to 30%"
Explanation: "International doctors" is a more precise term than "foreign doctors," and "practicing" is more formal than "working."
"Australia took a leap in the quantity of doctors" -> "Australia experienced a significant increase in the number of doctors"
Explanation: "Experienced a significant increase" is more formal and precise than "took a leap," which is too informal for academic writing.
"the male medics’ percentage dropped significantly, the fraction was 45% in that year" -> "the percentage of male practitioners dropped significantly to 45% that year"
Explanation: "Percentage" is more appropriate than "fraction," and restructuring the sentence improves clarity.
"decreasing 15% from the year 1996" -> "a decrease of 15% from 1996"
Explanation: This revision improves grammatical structure and conciseness.
"the percentage of local doctors also fell down around 20%" -> "the percentage of local practitioners also declined by approximately 20%"
Explanation: "Declined" is a more formal term than "fell down," and "approximately" is more precise than "around."
"making the number of overseas and local doctors to be the same" -> "resulting in an equal number of overseas and local practitioners"
Explanation: "Resulting in" clarifies the cause-and-effect relationship, and "equal number" is more precise than "to be the same."

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task and presents an overview with information appropriately selected. The essay presents and adequately highlights key features/ bullet points, but details may be irrelevant, inappropriate or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that the percentage of local doctors fell down around 20%, from 70 to 50%, making the number of overseas and local doctors to be the same. However, the chart shows that the percentage of local doctors fell from 90% to 50%, not 70% to 50%.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more accurate information and by avoiding irrelevant details. The writer should focus on presenting the key features of the data in a clear and concise way.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, presenting a clear overall progression from the introduction to the conclusion. However, while there is some effective use of cohesive devices, there are instances where cohesion is mechanical or unclear, particularly in the transitions between sentences and ideas. The paragraphing is present but could be improved for better logical flow, as some paragraphs feel a bit cramped with information without clear topic sentences.

How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on improving the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs. This can be achieved by using a wider range of cohesive devices and ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic. Additionally, providing clearer references to data points and trends would help in avoiding mechanical cohesion and making the essay more engaging and easier to follow.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, such as "medics," "percentage," and "overseas doctors." However, it attempts to use less common vocabulary with some inaccuracies, such as "the fraction of overseas doctors and local doctors has experienced a similar trend respectively," which could be more clearly expressed. There are also some errors in word choice and collocation, such as "the quantity of medics" and "the fraction was 45% in that year," which detract from clarity. Spelling and word formation errors are present but do not impede overall communication.

How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the writer should aim to use a wider range of vocabulary with more precision and accuracy. Focusing on collocations and ensuring that less common lexical items are used correctly will improve clarity. Additionally, reducing errors in spelling and word formation will help strengthen the overall quality of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While it conveys the main ideas and trends effectively, there are several grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that occasionally hinder clarity. For instance, phrases like "the fraction of overseas doctors and local doctors has experienced a similar trend respectively" could be clearer. Additionally, the use of "medics" instead of "doctors" is somewhat informal and inconsistent. Overall, while the communication is mostly effective, the presence of errors in grammar and punctuation suggests that it does not fully meet the criteria for a higher band.

How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Increase Sentence Variety: Incorporate a wider range of complex sentence structures to demonstrate grammatical flexibility.
Minimize Errors: Proofread the essay to correct grammatical mistakes and awkward phrases that may confuse the reader.
Use Consistent Terminology: Stick to the term "doctors" throughout the essay for consistency and formality.
Enhance Clarity: Ensure that all statements are clear and precise, avoiding vague terms like "the fraction" without clear context.

Bài sửa mẫu

This diagram illustrates the number and the proportions of different groups of doctors in Australia during the period from 1986 to 2006.

In general, the total number of doctors over this time frame has increased, with the percentage of female doctors rising while the proportion of male doctors has decreased. The shares of overseas and local doctors have experienced a similar trend.

In 1986, the total number of doctors was 27,000, with 70% being male and approximately 90% classified as local doctors. Subsequently, the number of doctors rose to 29,000 by 1996. During this period, the percentage of female doctors increased from 30% to 40%, resulting in a decrease in the proportion of male doctors to 60%. Similarly, the percentage of foreign doctors working in Australia rose from around 10% to 30%.

By the end of the period, Australia saw a significant increase in the total number of doctors, reaching 35,000. The percentage of male doctors dropped considerably to 45%, a decrease of 15% from 1996. Additionally, the proportion of local doctors fell by approximately 20%, from 70% to 50%, resulting in an equal number of overseas and local doctors.