the table below shows information about age, average income per person and population below poverty line in three states in the USA

The provided chart illustrates the age demographics and their relation to the average remuneration and poverty in various American states, namely California, Utah and Florida.

Overall, it is readily conspicuous that more and more young individuals under 18 live in Utah, while the opposite is true for people who are more than 60 years old at the corresponding region. In addition, though people in California and Florida can be given higher incomes, their rates of living under the poverty line are higher than the other state.

Initial examination of the two age cohorts, Utah attracts the highest rate of young adults who are under 18, at 28%, which is around 11% higher than that of other regions, with being moderately higher in California. Furthermore, people who are in the age group of more than 60 account for 23% in Florida, the highest point compared to three states, which is 10% and 15% higher than that of California and Utah respectively.

Pertaining to the remaining categories, despite of the highest average income, at 23,000 Californian citizens have a largest proportion of living under the poverty line, at 16%. These figures are followed by Florida, 22,000 for the former and 12% for the latter. The figures for Utah are lowest, with a-17,000-average wage and a-16%-below poverty.

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Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay addresses the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the information presented in the table. The essay also presents and adequately highlights key features/bullet points, but some details are irrelevant, inappropriate, or inaccurate. For example, the essay states that "people in California and Florida can be given higher incomes," which is not accurate. The essay also states that "Utah attracts the highest rate of young adults who are under 18, at 28%, which is around 11% higher than that of other regions," which is not accurate. The essay also states that "the figures for Utah are lowest, with a-17,000-average wage and a-16%-below poverty," which is not accurate.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more accurate information and by avoiding irrelevant or inappropriate details. The essay could also be improved by providing a more concise and clear overview of the information presented in the table. The writer should focus on reporting the information in the table, rather than providing explanations or hypotheses.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay presents information and ideas in a coherent manner, with a clear overall progression from the introduction to the body paragraphs. However, while cohesive devices are used effectively, there are instances of awkward phrasing and mechanical cohesion that detract from the overall clarity. The paragraphing is present but could be improved for better logical flow, particularly in how the information is grouped and presented. Additionally, some references and substitutions are not clear, leading to potential confusion for the reader.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on improving the clarity and variety of cohesive devices used. This includes ensuring that references are clear and that substitutions are used appropriately to avoid repetition. Additionally, organizing information into paragraphs that each focus on a single aspect or comparison can help improve logical flow and clarity. Finally, revising awkward phrases for smoother transitions will contribute to a more polished and cohesive essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, with attempts to use less common vocabulary. However, inaccuracies in word choice and some awkward phrasing detract from the overall clarity. For example, phrases like "the highest rate of young adults who are under 18" could be more concisely expressed. Additionally, there are several grammatical errors and awkward constructions, such as "despite of the highest average income" and "a-17,000-average wage," which hinder the flow of the essay. While the vocabulary used is generally appropriate, the errors in spelling and word formation are noticeable but do not completely impede communication.

How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary range and using more precise word choices. Practicing the use of synonyms and varying sentence structures can help improve the overall fluency and flexibility of language. Additionally, proofreading for grammatical accuracy and clarity will help eliminate awkward phrasing and spelling errors. Engaging with a wider variety of texts can also provide exposure to sophisticated vocabulary and idiomatic expressions, which can be incorporated into future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, with some errors in grammar and punctuation. While the overall communication is clear, certain grammatical inaccuracies and awkward constructions occasionally hinder the flow of ideas. For instance, phrases like "despite of" and "a-17,000-average wage" indicate issues with grammatical structure and punctuation. However, the meaning is generally preserved, which aligns with the criteria for a Band 6.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Error Correction: Review and correct grammatical errors, particularly in prepositions and sentence structures (e.g., "despite of" should be "despite" or "in spite of").
Variety in Sentence Structures: Incorporate a wider range of complex sentences and ensure that they are used accurately.
Punctuation: Pay attention to punctuation rules to avoid confusion (e.g., using hyphens correctly and ensuring commas are placed appropriately).
Proofreading: Take time to proofread the essay to catch any minor errors that may detract from the overall quality.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided chart illustrates the age demographics and their relation to the average income and poverty levels in three American states, namely California, Utah, and Florida.

Overall, it is readily apparent that a larger proportion of young individuals under 18 reside in Utah, while the opposite is true for those over 60 years old in the same region. Additionally, although residents in California and Florida have higher average incomes, their rates of living below the poverty line are greater than those in Utah.

An initial examination of the two age cohorts reveals that Utah attracts the highest percentage of young adults under 18, at 28%, which is approximately 11% higher than that of the other regions, with California having a moderately higher rate. Furthermore, individuals aged over 60 account for 23% in Florida, the highest figure among the three states, which is 10% and 15% higher than those in California and Utah, respectively.

Regarding the remaining categories, despite having the highest average income of $23,000, California has the largest proportion of residents living below the poverty line, at 16%. This is followed by Florida, with an average income of $22,000 and a poverty rate of 12%. The figures for Utah are the lowest, with an average wage of $17,000 and a poverty rate of 16%.