Topic : In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing.What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?

The phenomenon of increasing average weight while the physical health of people declines is a major concern in several countries. In this essay, the causes of this phenomenon will be identified and some solutions to improve the situation will be expressed.

The increase in average weight and decrease in health can be attributed to many factors. One major reason is the large amount of fast food that people consume. Influenced by advertising and social media, the media promotes unhealthy eating trends; therefore ,advertisements for unhealthy foods and sugary drinks are often encountered on the streets. For instance, many TV and billboard ads highlight the attractiveness and taste of fast food with appealing images and promotions like ‘buy one get one free’ or ‘cheap combo’ to encourage people to buy more. Furthermore, individuals lead a sedentary lifestyle due to technological developments, with countless people working in offices or studying all day with little physical activity and no time for simple exercise, additionally, reliance on transportation reduces walking. For example, contemporary students often spend 14-16 hours a day studying, which frequently results in neglecting their diet and rest, this can lead to significant weight and health issues.

There are a number of viable solutions to help tackle this problem. To begin with, changing social perceptions by motivating community awareness about the benefits of maintaining a healthy diet is crucial, as well as creating positive media campaigns aimed at changing eating habits and fostering exercise. A good example of this is the ‘5-a-day’ campaign in the Uk,which advocates consuming at least 5 servings of fruits and vegetables daily to improve health and reduce risk of chronic diseases. In addition, encouraging an active lifestyle by building and improving infrastructure such as parks, public gyms, helps people have easier access to exercise.This is particularly evident with companies like Google, which provides a variety of fitness programs for its staff right at the workplace, including a modern gym, yoga classes, and promoting participation in physical activities.

In conclusion,while average weight continues to rise in some countries, health levels are declining. This phenomenon can be explained by several factors, and there are feasible solutions to address the issue.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"increasing average weight while the physical health of people declines" -> "a rising average weight concurrent with declining physical health"
Explanation: The phrase "concurrent with declining physical health" is more precise and formal, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.
"will be identified and some solutions to improve the situation will be expressed" -> "will be analyzed and potential solutions will be proposed"
Explanation: "analyzed" and "proposed" are more specific and academically appropriate than "identified" and "expressed," which are somewhat vague and informal.
"the large amount of fast food that people consume" -> "the excessive consumption of fast food"
Explanation: "excessive consumption" is a more precise and formal way to describe the overindulgence in fast food, avoiding the redundancy of "large amount" and "people consume."
"influenced by advertising and social media" -> "influenced by advertising and social media campaigns"
Explanation: Adding "campaigns" specifies the type of influence, enhancing clarity and formality.
"therefore,advertisements" -> "therefore, advertisements"
Explanation: Correcting the comma placement improves the grammatical structure of the sentence.
"buy one get one free" -> "buy-one-get-one-free"
Explanation: Using the hyphenated form "buy-one-get-one-free" adheres to the standard format for promotions, enhancing readability and formality.
"countless people working in offices or studying all day" -> "numerous individuals working in offices or engaging in prolonged study"
Explanation: "numerous individuals" and "engaging in prolonged study" are more precise and formal alternatives to "countless people" and "studying all day," respectively.
"no time for simple exercise" -> "little time for physical activity"
Explanation: "little time for physical activity" is a more formal and precise way to describe the lack of time for exercise.
"this can lead to significant weight and health issues" -> "this may result in significant weight gain and health problems"
Explanation: "may result in" is more cautious and academically appropriate than "can lead to," and "weight gain" and "health problems" are more specific terms than "weight and health issues."
"changing social perceptions by motivating community awareness" -> "promoting community awareness to change social perceptions"
Explanation: Reversing the order improves the flow and clarity of the sentence, making it more direct and formal.
"creating positive media campaigns aimed at changing eating habits and fostering exercise" -> "launching targeted media campaigns to promote healthy eating habits and encourage physical activity"
Explanation: "launching targeted media campaigns" and "promote healthy eating habits and encourage physical activity" are more specific and formal, enhancing the precision and appropriateness for an academic context.
"the ‘5-a-day’ campaign in the Uk" -> "the ‘5-a-day’ campaign in the UK"
Explanation: Correcting the capitalization of "UK" to "United Kingdom" aligns with formal writing standards.
"encouraging an active lifestyle by building and improving infrastructure" -> "promoting an active lifestyle through the development and enhancement of infrastructure"
Explanation: "promoting" and "through the development and enhancement" are more formal and precise, improving the academic tone of the sentence.
"companies like Google, which provides" -> "companies such as Google, which offer"
Explanation: "such as" is more formal than "like," and "offer" is more precise than "provides" in this context, referring to the services provided by the company.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both parts of the prompt by identifying causes of increasing average weight and declining health, as well as proposing solutions. The causes discussed include the consumption of fast food influenced by advertising and a sedentary lifestyle due to technological advancements. The solutions suggested, such as community awareness campaigns and infrastructure improvements for physical activity, are relevant and practical. However, while the essay covers these aspects well, it could benefit from a more explicit connection between the causes and the proposed solutions, ensuring that each solution directly addresses a specific cause.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could explicitly link each cause to its corresponding solution. For example, after discussing the influence of fast food advertising, the essay could suggest specific strategies to counteract this influence, such as regulations on advertising unhealthy foods to children.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that the increase in average weight and the decline in health are significant issues that require attention. The introduction clearly states the intent to discuss causes and solutions, and this focus is maintained throughout the essay. However, the conclusion could be strengthened by reiterating the importance of addressing these issues, which would reinforce the writer’s position.
- How to improve: To improve clarity and consistency of position, the conclusion could summarize the main points more forcefully and restate the urgency of the problem. Phrases that emphasize the necessity of action or the potential consequences of inaction would enhance the overall impact.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents well-developed ideas, particularly in the discussion of causes and solutions. The use of examples, such as the ‘5-a-day’ campaign in the UK and Google’s fitness programs, effectively supports the proposed solutions. However, the development of ideas could be further enhanced by providing additional statistics or studies to substantiate claims about the health impacts of fast food or sedentary lifestyles.
- How to improve: To strengthen the support for ideas, the writer could incorporate more data or research findings that illustrate the correlation between fast food consumption and health issues, as well as the benefits of active lifestyles. This would provide a more robust foundation for the arguments presented.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic throughout, discussing the causes and solutions relevant to the increase in average weight and decline in health. There are no significant deviations from the topic, which is commendable. However, some sentences could be more concise to enhance clarity and maintain focus.
- How to improve: To maintain focus and improve clarity, the writer should aim for more concise phrasing. For instance, instead of lengthy explanations, the writer could use bullet points or lists in the solutions section to clearly delineate each solution, making it easier for the reader to follow.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a well-structured response. By making explicit connections between causes and solutions, reinforcing the position in the conclusion, incorporating more supporting evidence, and enhancing clarity through concise language, the essay could achieve an even higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear and logical organization of ideas. The introduction effectively outlines the topic and states the intention to discuss both causes and solutions. Each paragraph follows a logical progression, with the first paragraph addressing the causes of the problem and the second focusing on potential solutions. For example, the transition from discussing unhealthy eating habits to sedentary lifestyles is smooth, allowing the reader to follow the argument easily.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using more explicit linking phrases between points. For instance, after discussing fast food consumption, a phrase like "In addition to dietary factors, lifestyle choices also play a significant role" could help clarify the transition to sedentary behavior. This would further strengthen the connection between ideas and improve the overall coherence.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which contributes to clarity. Each paragraph has a clear main idea, with the first focusing on causes and the second on solutions. However, the second paragraph could be divided into two distinct paragraphs: one for causes and another for solutions. This would allow for a more focused discussion on each topic, making it easier for the reader to digest the information.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph contains a single main idea and related supporting details. For example, the second paragraph could be split into two: one discussing the causes of increasing weight and declining health, and another dedicated to the solutions. This would not only enhance readability but also allow for a more in-depth exploration of each point.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as "for instance," "furthermore," and "in addition." These devices effectively connect ideas and help guide the reader through the argument. However, there is a slight over-reliance on certain phrases, which can make the writing feel repetitive. For example, "for example" is used multiple times, which could detract from the overall sophistication of the writing.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases. Instead of repeatedly using "for example," alternatives like "such as," "to illustrate," or "as evidenced by" can be employed. Additionally, using transitional phrases at the beginning of paragraphs, such as "Another contributing factor" or "Conversely," can enhance the flow and sophistication of the essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion, with logical organization and effective use of paragraphs and cohesive devices. By implementing the suggested improvements, the writer can further elevate the clarity and sophistication of their writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "phenomenon," "sedentary lifestyle," and "community awareness" effectively conveying the main ideas. However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases such as "average weight" and "health levels," which could be varied to enhance the richness of the text. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "average weight," alternatives like "body mass" or "weight levels" could be incorporated.
- How to improve: To improve vocabulary range, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and more varied expressions. Engaging with a thesaurus and practicing paraphrasing could help in this regard. Additionally, reading more academic or high-level texts can expose the writer to diverse vocabulary that can be used in future essays.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary appropriately, but there are instances of imprecision. For example, the phrase "the media promotes unhealthy eating trends" could be more accurately stated as "advertising promotes unhealthy eating habits," as it is specifically advertisements that influence consumer behavior rather than the media as a whole. Additionally, the term "sedentary lifestyle" is correctly used, but the explanation could be clearer to enhance understanding.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on the specific context in which words are used. Practicing writing with a focus on clarity and specificity can help. It may also be beneficial to review common collocations and phrases that are frequently used in academic writing to ensure that word choices align closely with intended meanings.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "Uk" which should be "UK" (the abbreviation for the United Kingdom) and "additionally" which is missing a comma before it. These minor errors can detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, ideally after a short break to gain a fresh perspective. Utilizing spell-check tools and maintaining a list of commonly misspelled words can also be effective strategies. Additionally, practicing writing under timed conditions can help improve spelling under pressure, which is often the case in exams.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future IELTS writing tasks.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. For instance, the use of complex sentences is evident in phrases like "Influenced by advertising and social media, the media promotes unhealthy eating trends," which effectively conveys the relationship between the two ideas. Additionally, the essay incorporates compound sentences, such as "For example, contemporary students often spend 14-16 hours a day studying, which frequently results in neglecting their diet and rest." However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and a lack of more sophisticated structures, such as conditional clauses or varied introductory phrases.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer could experiment with different ways to start sentences, such as using adverbial clauses or participial phrases. For example, instead of starting with "One major reason is," the writer could use "A significant contributing factor is." Additionally, incorporating conditional sentences (e.g., "If individuals were to prioritize physical activity, their health could improve significantly") would add complexity and variety to the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, with few errors that do not impede understanding. However, there are some punctuation issues, such as the missing space after commas and inconsistent spacing before conjunctions (e.g., "therefore ,advertisements" should be "therefore, advertisements"). Additionally, the use of semicolons could be improved; for instance, "to improve health and reduce risk of chronic diseases" could benefit from a clearer separation of ideas. The phrase "this can lead to significant weight and health issues" could also be more effectively punctuated to enhance clarity.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should pay closer attention to punctuation rules, particularly regarding the placement of commas and the use of semicolons. Regular practice with grammar exercises focusing on punctuation can help reinforce these skills. Furthermore, proofreading the essay for spacing and punctuation errors before submission would enhance overall presentation and clarity.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in future IELTS essays.

Bài sửa mẫu

The phenomenon of a rising average weight concurrent with declining physical health is a major concern in several countries. In this essay, the causes of this issue will be analyzed, and potential solutions will be proposed to improve the situation.

The increase in average weight and decrease in health can be attributed to many factors. One major reason is the excessive consumption of fast food. Influenced by advertising and social media campaigns, the media promotes unhealthy eating trends; therefore, advertisements for unhealthy foods and sugary drinks are frequently encountered on the streets. For instance, many TV and billboard ads highlight the attractiveness and taste of fast food with appealing images and promotions like “buy-one-get-one-free” or “cheap combo” to encourage people to buy more. Furthermore, individuals lead a sedentary lifestyle due to technological developments, with numerous individuals working in offices or engaging in prolonged study with little time for physical activity. Additionally, reliance on transportation reduces walking. For example, contemporary students often spend 14-16 hours a day studying, which frequently results in neglecting their diet and rest. This may result in significant weight gain and health problems.

There are a number of viable solutions to help tackle this problem. To begin with, promoting community awareness to change social perceptions about the benefits of maintaining a healthy diet is crucial, as well as launching targeted media campaigns to promote healthy eating habits and encourage physical activity. A good example of this is the “5-a-day” campaign in the UK, which advocates consuming at least five servings of fruits and vegetables daily to improve health and reduce the risk of chronic diseases. In addition, promoting an active lifestyle through the development and enhancement of infrastructure, such as parks and public gyms, helps people have easier access to exercise. This is particularly evident with companies such as Google, which offer a variety of fitness programs for their staff right at the workplace, including a modern gym, yoga classes, and promoting participation in physical activities.

In conclusion, while the average weight continues to rise in some countries, health levels are declining. This phenomenon can be explained by several factors, and there are feasible solutions to address the issue.