Whilst some people argue that government intervention to tackle the problem of fast food and sedentary lifestyles has led to rising obesity rates has many benefits, others contend that it also has drawbacks.

The development of fast food industry and sedentary habit have contributed to an growth in obesity rates. This urged leaders to propose effectively solutions to address this problem. Nevertheless, there are many controversy about the advantages and disadvantages as appearing the intervention from government. In this essay, I will discuss both sides of arguments and give my opinion.
To commence with, those who support to the intervention of government argue that cabinet is established to keep balance in all aspects in social. Policys from them certainly aim to bring benefits and the equalitarian for residents, moreover decisions regularly have to undergo a significance considerable before getting out. Thus, the intervention from goverment is as effective as possible. Government can intervent under many forms, such as implementing taxes on unhealthy foods, increasing materials price for fast food restaurants or encouraging individuals zealously take part in physical activities or organising tournaments related sports with expensive prizes.
However, opponents of government intervention argue that it can make a weaken economy. Namely fast food índustry has contributed a huge tax for country , as the weaken in this area by effects from leaders happens, it can make government loss a non-small financial. Additionally, consumers will get tired if the choices of them be limitted by stop eatting fast food or eatting less.
In my point of view, the intervention of goverment is necessary, it can decline strongly obesity rates in short time but leaders shouldn’t ignore the benefits about financial from fast food areas. I think they should find balance solutions such as educating children or encouraging peole do exercise more regular.
Considering all aspects, the rise of fas food and sedentary lifestyle has led to an increase in obesity rates and the intervention of government play a role important but they should find out the balance methods to ensure the benefits in both health and finance.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"an growth" -> "an increase"
Explanation: The correct article to use before a vowel sound is "an," but "growth" should be replaced with "increase" for grammatical correctness and to maintain a formal tone.
"propose effectively solutions" -> "propose effective solutions"
Explanation: The adjective "effective" should be used to modify "solutions" directly, rather than the adverb "effectively," which incorrectly modifies "propose."
"many controversy" -> "much controversy"
Explanation: "Controversy" is an uncountable noun, so "much" is the correct quantifier, not "many."
"as appearing the intervention" -> "regarding the intervention"
Explanation: "As appearing the intervention" is awkward and unclear. "Regarding the intervention" is more precise and appropriate for academic writing.
"support to the intervention" -> "support the intervention"
Explanation: The preposition "to" is unnecessary after "support" in this context. Removing it clarifies the sentence.
"cabinet is established to keep balance" -> "the government is established to maintain balance"
Explanation: "Cabinet" is too specific and might be confusing; "the government" is more appropriate. Also, "maintain balance" is a more formal phrase than "keep balance."
"Policys" -> "Policies"
Explanation: This is a simple spelling correction; "policys" should be "policies."
"a significance considerable" -> "significant consideration"
Explanation: The phrase "a significance considerable" is awkward and incorrect. "Significant consideration" is grammatically correct and clearer.
"intervent under many forms" -> "intervene in various forms"
Explanation: "Intervent" is a misspelling of "intervene," and "in various forms" is more formal and precise than "under many forms."
"increasing materials price for fast food restaurants" -> "increasing the cost of materials for fast food restaurants"
Explanation: "Increasing the cost of materials" is clearer and more specific than "increasing materials price."
"zealously take part" -> "actively participate"
Explanation: "Actively participate" is more formal and academically appropriate than "zealously take part."
"organising tournaments related sports with expensive prizes" -> "organizing sports-related tournaments with substantial prizes"
Explanation: "Organizing sports-related tournaments" is clearer and more formal. "Substantial prizes" is preferred over "expensive prizes" for a more academic tone.
"make a weaken economy" -> "weaken the economy"
Explanation: "Weaken the economy" is the correct form, making the sentence more concise and formal.
"índustry" -> "industry"
Explanation: This appears to be a typographical error. The correct spelling is "industry."
"loss a non-small financial" -> "incur significant financial losses"
Explanation: "Incur significant financial losses" is a more precise and formal way to express the idea.
"limitted" -> "limited"
Explanation: This is a spelling correction; "limitted" should be "limited."
"stop eatting fast food" -> "cease consuming fast food"
Explanation: "Cease consuming fast food" is more formal and precise than "stop eating fast food."
"decline strongly" -> "significantly reduce"
Explanation: "Significantly reduce" is a more formal and precise way to express a decrease.
"balance solutions" -> "balanced solutions"
Explanation: "Balanced solutions" is grammatically correct and conveys the intended meaning more clearly.
"educating children or encouraging peole do exercise more regular" -> "educating children and encouraging people to exercise more regularly"
Explanation: This correction improves grammatical accuracy and clarity by ensuring parallel structure and correcting the misspelling of "people."
"fas food" -> "fast food"
Explanation: This is a typographical error. The correct term is "fast food."
"play a role important" -> "play an important role"
Explanation: "Play an important role" is the correct word order for formal academic writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both sides of the argument regarding government intervention in tackling fast food and sedentary lifestyles. It discusses the benefits and drawbacks of such intervention, as prompted by the essay question.
- How to improve: While the essay touches upon both perspectives, it could benefit from a more explicit acknowledgment of each viewpoint. Additionally, providing clearer examples and evidence to support both arguments would enhance the depth of analysis.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a somewhat clear position favoring government intervention but also acknowledges the potential drawbacks, suggesting a balanced approach.
- How to improve: To strengthen clarity, the essay could explicitly state the author’s position earlier and maintain consistent support for it throughout the essay. Providing more specific examples and reasoning would also reinforce the stance.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks depth in development and support. While it discusses various interventions and their potential effects, the analysis remains somewhat superficial.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay could delve deeper into each point, providing more detailed explanations, examples, and perhaps even counterarguments to enrich the discussion. Linking ideas more cohesively would also enhance the overall structure and coherence.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by addressing the issue of government intervention in combating obesity resulting from fast food and sedentary lifestyles.
- How to improve: To further enhance relevance, the essay could focus more explicitly on the specific aspects mentioned in the prompt, avoiding tangential discussions or vague statements. Maintaining a clear link between each argument and its relation to the topic would strengthen coherence.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the prompt and attempts to engage with both sides of the argument, it would benefit from greater clarity, depth of analysis, and coherence. By providing more specific examples, developing ideas further, and ensuring a clear and consistent stance, the essay could achieve a higher band score for task response. Additionally, refining the structure and maintaining strict relevance to the topic would strengthen the overall effectiveness of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic level of logical organization. It begins with an introduction that outlines both sides of the argument, followed by body paragraphs presenting each viewpoint. However, the transitions between ideas are somewhat abrupt, and the progression of arguments lacks smoothness. For instance, the shift from discussing the benefits of government intervention to its drawbacks could be more seamless.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider employing a clearer essay structure. Begin with a concise introduction that introduces the topic and provides an overview of the main arguments to be discussed. Use topic sentences at the beginning of each body paragraph to signal the focus of the paragraph and establish connections between ideas. Ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs by using transitional phrases or sentences that link one idea to the next.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs to organize ideas, but the structure within each paragraph could be improved for better coherence. Some paragraphs lack clear topic sentences, making it challenging for readers to discern the main point. Additionally, paragraph lengths vary, with some being overly long, leading to potential confusion.
- How to improve: Focus on creating well-structured paragraphs with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea of the paragraph. Support this idea with relevant examples or explanations, ensuring coherence and unity within the paragraph. Consider breaking down longer paragraphs into smaller ones to maintain reader engagement and facilitate easier comprehension.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some use of cohesive devices, such as transition words like "to commence with," "however," and "in my point of view." However, their usage is limited, and there is a lack of variety in cohesive devices employed throughout the essay. This hampers the overall coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: Expand the repertoire of cohesive devices used in the essay to include a variety of linking words, such as "furthermore," "on the other hand," "in addition," etc. These devices help to establish logical connections between ideas and improve the flow of the essay. Additionally, ensure consistent and appropriate use of pronouns, conjunctions, and referencing words to maintain coherence and cohesion.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of coherence and cohesion principles, there is room for improvement in terms of logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices. Implementing the suggested improvements will enhance the clarity and effectiveness of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. However, there is room for improvement in the variety and sophistication of the vocabulary used. For instance, phrases like "the development of fast food industry," "sedentary habit," "urge leaders to propose effectively solutions," "many controversy," and "intervention from goverment" are somewhat repetitive and lack diversity. Additionally, there are instances where more precise vocabulary choices could enhance the depth of expression.
- How to improve: To improve the range of vocabulary, the writer should aim to incorporate more diverse and nuanced terminology. Instead of repeating phrases like "fast food industry," they could use synonyms or explore related terms such as "culinary sector" or "processed food market." Furthermore, utilizing transitional phrases and idiomatic expressions can enrich the language and make the essay more engaging.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The precision of vocabulary usage varies throughout the essay. While some terms are used accurately, such as "intervention from government," there are instances of imprecise or awkward language, such as "the intervention from goverment," "can make a weaken economy," and "they should find out the balance methods." These instances detract from the clarity and effectiveness of the writer’s arguments.
- How to improve: To enhance precision in vocabulary usage, the writer should prioritize clarity and accuracy in expression. This can be achieved by carefully selecting words that precisely convey intended meanings. Additionally, proofreading for grammatical accuracy can help eliminate errors that may obscure the intended message.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy in the essay is inconsistent. While some words are spelled correctly, there are noticeable errors throughout the text. Examples include "controversy" misspelled as "controversy," "government" spelled as "goverment," "fast food industry" misspelled as "fas food industry," and "weaken" spelled as "weaken." These spelling errors undermine the professionalism and credibility of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should utilize spell-check tools and thoroughly proofread their work before submission. Additionally, familiarizing oneself with common spelling patterns and practicing spelling exercises can help reinforce correct spelling habits. Developing a habit of double-checking spelling during the writing process can also prevent errors from slipping through unnoticed.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. It employs simple sentences alongside compound and complex structures. However, there is a tendency towards simpler structures, and the essay lacks the complexity that could enhance its readability and sophistication. For example, while there are instances of complex sentences ("Those who support the intervention of government argue that the cabinet is established to maintain balance in all social aspects"), they are not consistently utilized throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To improve, aim for greater diversity in sentence structures. Incorporate more complex sentences to convey ideas more effectively and demonstrate a higher level of linguistic proficiency. Vary the length and structure of sentences to create a more engaging and nuanced argument. Consider incorporating clauses, phrases, and transitions to connect ideas seamlessly.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a mixture of grammatical accuracy. There are instances of incorrect verb tense usage ("this urged leaders"), subject-verb agreement errors ("those who support to the intervention"), and article misuse ("a growth in obesity rates," "the intervention from goverment"). Punctuation is also inconsistent, with missing commas in compound sentences and errors in apostrophe usage ("fast food índustry").
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to verb tense consistency, subject-verb agreement, and article usage. Review the rules governing punctuation, particularly commas in compound sentences and apostrophes for possessives. Proofread carefully to identify and correct errors in grammar and punctuation. Consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-checking tools to improve accuracy. Additionally, focus on mastering the basics of English grammar through consistent practice and study.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the topic and presents arguments coherently, enhancing grammatical accuracy and diversifying sentence structures will contribute to a more polished and proficient piece of writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

The growth of the fast food industry and sedentary habits has led to an increase in obesity rates. This has prompted leaders to propose effective solutions to address this issue. However, there is much controversy regarding the intervention of the government. In this essay, I will discuss both sides of the argument and give my opinion.

To begin with, those who support government intervention argue that the government is established to maintain balance in all aspects of society. Policies from them aim to bring benefits and equality for residents, with decisions undergoing significant consideration before implementation. Therefore, government intervention is deemed effective. Governments can intervene in various forms, such as implementing taxes on unhealthy foods, increasing the cost of materials for fast food restaurants, or encouraging individuals to actively participate in physical activities or organizing sports-related tournaments with substantial prizes.

However, opponents of government intervention argue that it could weaken the economy. The fast food industry contributes a significant amount of tax revenue to the country, and any weakening in this area due to government intervention could result in substantial financial losses. Additionally, consumers may become dissatisfied if their choices are limited by ceasing to consume fast food or consuming less of it.

In my opinion, government intervention is necessary to significantly reduce obesity rates in the short term. However, leaders should not overlook the financial benefits derived from the fast food industry. I believe they should seek balanced solutions, such as educating children and encouraging people to exercise more regularly.

In conclusion, the rise of fast food and sedentary lifestyles has led to an increase in obesity rates, and government intervention plays an important role. However, it is crucial for leaders to find balanced methods to ensure benefits in both health and finance.