Write a paragraph discussing the value of travelling to other countries, and whether, watching travel programmes on television is more useful. Write about 150 words

In this day and age, travelling is widely recognized as an important part in our industrialized society for numerous reasons. And I personally think that viewing from a more sedentary perspective is less beneficial. To begin with, a wider horizon is what we aim for. We travel to broaden our mindset about other cultures, traditions, and languages. The more we explore, the more knowledgable we become which also contributes to educational purposes. In addition, since we only live once, it is best to experience as much as you can. As time flies by, we find it precious to focus on gaining as much as we could. For instance, if you come to Viet Nam, you will get to marvel the spectacular view from the highest mountain in this country. In comparision to going traveling through a screen, actual going abroad is way better as it allows us to directly communicate and experience everything on our own. Although in some circumstances our budget does not allow us, we can choose to stay in a more affordable country. In conclusion, going overseas is reknown as one of the most popular methods to improve our quality of life, and it shoulld be given priority over any other forms of travelling

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"In this day and age" -> "Currently"
Explanation: The phrase "In this day and age" can be seen as somewhat informal and cliché. "Currently" provides a more concise and formal alternative.
"And I personally think" -> "Furthermore, it is my contention"
Explanation: "And I personally think" is informal and introduces a subjective viewpoint in an awkward manner. "Furthermore, it is my contention" transitions smoothly from the previous point and introduces personal opinion in a formal academic tone.
"viewing from a more sedentary perspective" -> "adopting a more sedentary perspective"
Explanation: "Viewing from" is an awkward construction in this context. "Adopting a more sedentary perspective" is clearer and more appropriate for academic writing.
"a wider horizon is what we aim for" -> "expanding our horizons is our objective"
Explanation: The phrase "a wider horizon is what we aim for" is somewhat informal and vague. "Expanding our horizons is our objective" is more precise and formal.
"knowledgable" -> "knowledgeable"
Explanation: This is a simple spelling correction to maintain accuracy and professionalism.
"since we only live once" -> "given the brevity of human life"
Explanation: The phrase "since we only live once" is colloquial and derived from the popular acronym "YOLO." "Given the brevity of human life" conveys a similar sentiment in a more sophisticated and formal manner.
"as much as you can" -> "to the fullest extent possible"
Explanation: The phrase "as much as you can" is too informal for academic writing. "To the fullest extent possible" is more formal and fits the academic style better.
"As time flies by" -> "As time progresses"
Explanation: "As time flies by" is an idiom and too informal for academic writing. "As time progresses" is a more formal and suitable alternative.
"if you come to Viet Nam" -> "upon visiting Vietnam"
Explanation: "If you come to Viet Nam" is conversational in tone. "Upon visiting Vietnam" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing. Also, "Viet Nam" should be spelled as one word, "Vietnam," for consistency with modern English usage.
"marvel the spectacular view" -> "behold the spectacular vistas"
Explanation: "Marvel the" is not only awkward but also informal. "Behold the spectacular vistas" is more formal and fits the context better, with "vistas" providing a more precise term for extensive views.
"In comparision to" -> "Compared to"
Explanation: "In comparision to" is a misspelling and slightly awkward phrasing. "Compared to" is the correct spelling and a more concise expression.
"actual going abroad" -> "actually traveling abroad"
Explanation: "Actual going abroad" is awkward and grammatically incorrect. "Actually traveling abroad" corrects these issues and is more formal.
"reknown" -> "renowned"
Explanation: "Reknown" is a misspelling of "renowned," which is the correct term to use in this context.
"shoulld" -> "should"
Explanation: This is a simple spelling correction for accuracy.
"over any other forms of travelling" -> "over other forms of travel"
Explanation: The phrase "over any other forms of travelling" is slightly redundant and awkward. "Over other forms of travel" is more concise and maintains the formal tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the value of traveling to other countries and compares it with watching travel programs on television. It discusses the benefits of physical travel, such as broadening one’s mindset, experiencing different cultures firsthand, and the irreplaceable nature of direct experience. However, it could provide a more balanced discussion by acknowledging potential benefits of watching travel programs on television.
- How to improve: To improve, ensure to acknowledge the potential benefits of watching travel programs on television, such as accessibility to diverse destinations, exposure to cultural insights, and inspiration for future travels. Additionally, consider expanding on the comparison between physical travel and watching travel programs, discussing both the advantages and limitations of each.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that physical travel is more beneficial than watching travel programs on television. The stance is evident throughout the essay, with statements emphasizing the value of firsthand experiences and direct communication with different cultures.
- How to improve: To further enhance clarity and consistency, ensure that each paragraph reinforces the central position. Provide specific examples or anecdotes to support the argument and avoid statements that may introduce ambiguity or conflicting perspectives.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about the value of traveling, such as broadening one’s mindset, gaining knowledge about other cultures, and experiencing new things firsthand. However, some ideas lack elaboration, and the essay could benefit from additional support through examples or evidence.
- How to improve: Extend ideas by providing more detailed explanations, examples, or personal anecdotes to illustrate key points. Incorporate relevant statistics, research findings, or quotations to strengthen arguments and lend credibility to the discussion.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by discussing the value of traveling to other countries and contrasting it with watching travel programs on television. However, there are minor deviations, such as mentioning budget constraints and affordability of travel.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that all examples and arguments directly relate to the topic of traveling and its comparison with watching travel programs. Avoid tangential discussions that may distract from the main theme and detract from the coherence of the essay.

Overall, while the essay effectively argues the benefits of physical travel over watching travel programs on television, there is room for improvement in addressing all parts of the question, maintaining clarity and consistency of position, elaborating on ideas, and staying fully on topic. By incorporating these suggestions, the essay can enhance its coherence, depth, and relevance, potentially improving its overall effectiveness and meeting the word count requirement.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally presents a coherent argument regarding the value of traveling versus watching travel programs. It begins with a clear introduction of the topic and proceeds to discuss the benefits of traveling, supported by examples and personal opinions. However, there are instances where the flow of ideas could be smoother. For example, the transition between discussing the benefits of traveling to discussing budget constraints could be more seamless.
- How to improve: To enhance the logical flow, consider structuring the essay more clearly. Start each paragraph with a topic sentence that directly relates to the prompt and the main idea of the paragraph. Use transition words and phrases to connect ideas smoothly, ensuring a cohesive progression of thoughts from one point to the next.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is divided into paragraphs, which is a positive aspect. However, there are areas where paragraph structure could be improved for better coherence. Some paragraphs cover multiple ideas without clear separation, leading to a lack of clarity. For instance, the paragraph discussing the benefits of traveling combines various points without distinct breaks.
- How to improve: Focus on maintaining unity within paragraphs by addressing only one main idea per paragraph. Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that previews the content of the paragraph. Use supporting sentences to develop the main idea, ensuring coherence and cohesion within each paragraph.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a limited range of cohesive devices to connect ideas and ensure coherence. There is some use of transitional phrases like "To begin with" and "In addition," but they are used inconsistently. Furthermore, there is a lack of variety in cohesive devices, which affects the overall cohesion of the essay.
- How to improve: Incorporate a wider variety of cohesive devices to establish stronger connections between ideas. Use transitional words and phrases such as "Furthermore," "Moreover," "On the other hand," etc., to signal shifts between ideas and reinforce the logical progression of arguments. Additionally, pay attention to the consistent use of cohesive devices throughout the essay to maintain coherence.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, there is room for improvement in organizing ideas more logically, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying the use of cohesive devices to enhance coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, incorporating terms such as "sedentary," "industrialized society," "horizon," "knowledgeable," "marvel," and "spectacular." However, there is room for improvement in terms of variety and sophistication. For instance, while the essay mentions "educational purposes," it could benefit from more specific vocabulary related to learning and cultural exploration.
- How to improve: To enhance lexical resource, consider incorporating a broader array of vocabulary relevant to the topic. Instead of using general terms like "educational purposes," opt for more specific language such as "intellectual enrichment" or "cultural immersion." Additionally, explore synonyms and related terms to express ideas more precisely and vividly.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay sometimes utilizes vocabulary with reasonable precision, such as "marvel" and "spectacular view." However, there are instances where word choice could be more precise. For example, the phrase "widely recognized" could be substituted with a more assertive term like "universally acknowledged." Additionally, some expressions, like "going traveling through a screen," could be clarified for clearer communication.
- How to improve: Aim for greater precision in vocabulary usage by selecting terms that precisely convey intended meanings. Avoid vague or redundant phrases and opt for more concise and impactful language. Consider rephrasing ambiguous expressions to ensure clarity and coherence in your writing.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates generally correct spelling throughout, with no significant errors noted. However, there are minor spelling issues, such as "knowledgeable" (should be spelled as "knowledgeable") and "reknown" (should be spelled as "renowned").
- How to improve: While overall spelling accuracy is satisfactory, it’s essential to pay attention to minor spelling errors to maintain a polished and professional presentation. Consider proofreading carefully to catch and correct such mistakes, ensuring consistent accuracy in written expression.

Overall, while the essay exhibits a reasonable command of vocabulary and spelling, there is room for enhancement in both range and precision of vocabulary usage. By diversifying vocabulary choices, refining precision, and ensuring consistent spelling accuracy, the essay could achieve a higher band score in Lexical Resource. Additionally, continued practice and exposure to varied language contexts will further strengthen lexical proficiency.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, simple sentences like "In addition" and "For instance" are used to introduce new points, while compound sentences like "And I personally think that viewing from a more sedentary perspective is less beneficial" offer a combination of ideas. Moreover, complex sentences such as "Although in some circumstances our budget does not allow us, we can choose to stay in a more affordable country" showcase the ability to convey complex ideas. However, there is room for improvement in terms of variety. The essay could benefit from incorporating more complex structures, such as conditional sentences or inversion, to add depth and sophistication.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider integrating conditional sentences to present hypothetical situations or inversion to add emphasis. Additionally, experiment with using participial phrases or appositives to provide additional descriptive details. This will enrich the essay’s expression and engage the reader more effectively.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a good command of grammar and punctuation. However, there are some instances of grammatical errors and punctuation inaccuracies that slightly impact clarity. For example, the phrase "since we only live once" would be clearer with the inclusion of "live" as "we only live once." Additionally, there are minor punctuation errors, such as missing commas before introductory phrases ("Although in some circumstances") and misspelling ("comparision" should be "comparison"). These errors do not significantly detract from comprehension but could be improved for smoother reading.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, carefully proofread the essay to identify and correct errors. Pay close attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and the proper use of articles. Additionally, review punctuation rules, particularly regarding the use of commas in complex sentences and before introductory phrases. Consistent practice with writing and revising will help refine these skills over time. Additionally, utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers can aid in identifying and addressing areas for improvement.

Bài sửa mẫu

In today’s world, the value of traveling is widely acknowledged as crucial in our modern society for various reasons. It is my contention that adopting a more sedentary perspective, such as watching travel programs on television, is less beneficial. Firstly, expanding our horizons is our objective. We travel to broaden our understanding of other cultures, traditions, and languages. The more we explore, the more knowledgeable we become, which also serves educational purposes. Additionally, given the brevity of human life, it is essential to live it to the fullest extent possible. As time progresses, we realize the importance of seizing opportunities to gain new experiences. For example, upon visiting Vietnam, you can behold the spectacular vistas from the highest mountain in the country. Compared to merely watching travel shows, actually traveling abroad allows us to directly communicate and experience everything firsthand. While budget constraints may limit our options, we can opt to visit more affordable destinations. In conclusion, traveling overseas is renowned as one of the most effective ways to enhance our quality of life, and it should be prioritized over other forms of travel.