You should spend about 20 minutes on this task. The bar chart shows the percentages of the UK workforce in five major industries in 1841 and 2011. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. Write at least 150 words.

You should spend about 20 minutes
on this task.
The bar chart shows the percentages
of the UK workforce in five major
industries in 1841 and 2011.
Summarise the information by
selecting and reporting the main
features, and make comparisons
where relevant.
Write at least 150 words.

The bar graph displays the percentage of workers in the UK across five distinct industries from 1841 to 2011.
Although the majority of UK residents were interested in working in manufacturing in 1841, over the course of the next 170 years, the services sector accounted for the vast majority of the labor force.
The most notable development is that services, which were the second most popular industry in the UK in the middle of the 19th century, rose from 33% in 1841 to 81% in 2011, making them the most popular sector of the economy. On the other hand, it is evident that manufacturing secured the second position with a 27% reduction in labor force.
However, whereas agriculture and fishing accounted for a third of all workers in 1841, both industries have faded from prominence since the early 21st century and in that same year, both the energy and water industries accounted for barely 1% of the workforce. But there was a very slight increase to 8% in the building sector.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The bar graph displays" -> "The bar graph illustrates"
Explanation: "Illustrates" is a more precise and formal term than "displays" when referring to presenting data in a visual format, aligning better with academic style.
"workers in the UK across five distinct industries" -> "workers in the UK across five distinct sectors"
Explanation: "Sectors" is a more specific and formal term than "industries" in the context of economic analysis, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.
"the majority of UK residents were interested in working in manufacturing" -> "the majority of UK residents were employed in the manufacturing sector"
Explanation: "Employed in the manufacturing sector" is a more precise and formal way to describe the occupation, avoiding the colloquial and vague term "interested in working."
"the services sector accounted for the vast majority of the labor force" -> "the services sector dominated the labor force"
Explanation: "Dominated" is a more precise and formal term than "accounted for the vast majority," which is somewhat redundant and less specific.
"rose from 33% in 1841 to 81% in 2011" -> "increased from 33% in 1841 to 81% in 2011"
Explanation: "Increased" is a more neutral and academically appropriate verb than "rose," which can imply a more dramatic or emotional change.
"making them the most popular sector of the economy" -> "rendering them the dominant sector of the economy"
Explanation: "Rendering" is a more formal synonym for "making," and "dominant" is a more precise term than "most popular," which can be seen as overly colloquial for academic writing.
"it is evident that manufacturing secured the second position" -> "it is clear that manufacturing maintained the second position"
Explanation: "Maintained" is a more precise verb than "secured," which can imply a sense of achievement or accomplishment that is not necessarily relevant in this context.
"a 27% reduction in labor force" -> "a 27% decrease in the labor force"
Explanation: "Decrease" is a more formal and commonly used term in academic writing than "reduction," which can be less specific.
"both industries have faded from prominence" -> "both industries have declined in prominence"
Explanation: "Declined" is a more formal and precise term than "faded," which can be vague and less formal.
"barely 1% of the workforce" -> "a mere 1% of the workforce"
Explanation: "A mere" is a more formal and precise adverbial phrase than "barely," which can be seen as informal and less precise.
"a very slight increase to 8%" -> "a slight increase to 8%"
Explanation: Removing "very" improves the formality and precision of the statement, aligning better with academic style.

These changes enhance the precision, formality, and clarity of the text, making it more suitable for an academic context.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main features of the bar chart, including the most notable changes in the UK workforce between 1841 and 2011. The essay also makes some comparisons between the two years, but these are not always fully developed. For example, the essay states that "both the energy and water industries accounted for barely 1% of the workforce" in 2011, but it does not compare this to the percentage of workers in these industries in 1841.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more detailed comparisons between the two years. For example, the essay could state that the percentage of workers in agriculture and fishing fell from 36% in 1841 to 22% in 2011. The essay could also be improved by providing more specific information about the changes in the workforce. For example, the essay could state that the percentage of workers in services increased by 48% between 1841 and 2011.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay arranges information in a generally coherent manner with a clear overall progression from discussing industries in 1841 to their status in 2011. There is an attempt to logically organize the information and ideas, although the progression could be more structured, especially in transitioning between different industries. The use of cohesive devices is somewhat effective; however, there are instances where cohesion within and between sentences could be improved for clearer relationships between ideas. Paragraphing is used, but not always logically; some paragraphs could be better structured to enhance clarity and coherence.

How to improve:
To improve coherence and cohesion:

Ensure a clearer and more structured progression between paragraphs and ideas, focusing on smoother transitions.
Use a wider range of cohesive devices consistently and appropriately throughout the essay.
Pay more attention to logical paragraphing, ensuring each paragraph focuses on a distinct aspect of the data presented.
Review and refine referencing and substitutions to avoid repetition and enhance clarity in presenting comparisons and contrasts between the industries across different time periods.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a basic level of vocabulary use, covering the main trends in the data presented. It includes terms like "manufacturing," "services sector," "agriculture," "fishing," "energy," "water industries," and "building sector," which are relevant to the topic. However, the range of vocabulary is limited, with some repetition ("sector," "industry," "percentage," "workers"). There are noticeable errors in word formation and expression, such as awkward phrasing ("the most notable development is that services") and lack of variety in lexical items.

How to improve:
To achieve a higher band score, aim to incorporate a wider variety of vocabulary relevant to economic sectors and employment trends. Utilize specific terms related to percentages and trends ("increase," "decline," "rise," "fall"). Ensure accuracy in word choice and sentence structure to enhance clarity and precision in conveying the information. Additionally, avoid repetition by exploring synonyms and related terms where appropriate.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an attempt at using a variety of sentence structures, including some complex sentences. There is an effort to convey a range of ideas with a mix of sentence forms. However, the accuracy in grammar and punctuation is inconsistent. There are several grammatical errors throughout the essay, such as incorrect verb forms ("accounted for barely 1% of the workforce") and issues with sentence structure ("making them the most popular sector of the economy"). Punctuation also lacks consistency, affecting the clarity and flow of the writing. These errors, while frequent, do not completely hinder communication but cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the intended message.

How to improve:
To improve the score, focus on expanding the range of sentence structures with more accuracy and precision. Practice using complex sentences more effectively to convey ideas clearly and concisely. Pay careful attention to grammar and punctuation to ensure consistency and correctness throughout the essay. This will help in reducing errors that currently impact readability and comprehension.

Bài sửa mẫu

The bar chart illustrates the distribution of the UK workforce across five key industries in 1841 and 2011.

In 1841, manufacturing was the dominant sector, employing the majority of workers at 55%. This trend shifted dramatically by 2011, where services emerged as the leading industry, capturing 81% of the workforce. Meanwhile, manufacturing experienced a significant decline to 27%, marking a substantial decrease over the 170-year period.

Agriculture and fishing, which collectively employed one-third of the workforce in 1841, saw a sharp decline by 2011, with both sectors contributing minimally to overall employment. Specifically, the energy and water industries accounted for a mere 1% of the workforce in 2011, reflecting a stark contrast from their position in 1841.

Conversely, the construction sector saw a slight increase in its workforce share, rising to 8% by 2011, though it remained significantly overshadowed by the services sector.

Overall, the data highlights a profound shift in the UK workforce from predominantly manufacturing and agricultural industries in 1841 to a predominantly service-based economy by 2011, with marked declines in traditional sectors such as agriculture and manufacturing.