You should spend about 20 minutes on this task. The bar chart shows the percentages of the UK workforce in five major industries in 1841 and 2011. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. Write at least 150 words.

You should spend about 20 minutes
on this task.
The bar chart shows the percentages
of the UK workforce in five major
industries in 1841 and 2011.
Summarise the information by
selecting and reporting the main
features, and make comparisons
where relevant.
Write at least 150 words.

The line graph illustrates survey results of the main reasons that people relocated to the capital city of a specific nation
Overall, It is evident that the considerable fluctuation in the reason for moving because of employment and study.
In more detail, from 2000 to 2015, the number of adventures increase steadily from around 10,000 to about nearly 20,000. In addition, from 2000 to 2010, there was a continuous climb in the data of family/friends from around 10,000 to over 20,000 but the period from 2010 to 2015 remained stable.
However, from 2000 to 2015, the proportion of studies fluctuated dramatically and unevenly between 20,000 and nearly 90,000. Similarly, the period from 2000 to 2015 saw a significant fluctuation in the number of employment.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The line graph illustrates survey results of the main reasons that people relocated to the capital city of a specific nation" -> "The line graph presents survey findings on the primary reasons for relocation to the capital city of a specific nation"
Explanation: "Presents" is more formal and precise than "illustrates," and "findings" is preferred in academic contexts over "results" for survey data. The phrase "primary reasons for relocation" is more specific than "main reasons that people relocated."
"Overall, It is evident that the considerable fluctuation" -> "Overall, it is evident that there is a significant fluctuation"
Explanation: Correcting the capitalization of "it" and replacing "considerable" with "significant" provides a more academic tone. "There is" is grammatically correct and clearer than the original construction.
"the number of adventures increase" -> "the number of people engaging in adventures increased"
Explanation: "The number of people engaging in adventures" clarifies the subject and verb agreement, and "increased" should be used with the past participle to match the past tense of the verb "increase."
"from around 10,000 to about nearly 20,000" -> "from approximately 10,000 to nearly 20,000"
Explanation: "Approximately" is a more precise and formal term than "around" or "about," enhancing the academic tone.
"there was a continuous climb in the data of family/friends" -> "there was a continuous increase in the number of individuals moving for family/friend reasons"
Explanation: "Increase" is more specific and appropriate for quantifiable data, and "number of individuals moving for family/friend reasons" clarifies the context and avoids the awkward phrasing of "data of family/friends."
"the period from 2010 to 2015 remained stable" -> "the period from 2010 to 2015 showed stability"
Explanation: "Showed stability" is a more formal and precise way to describe consistency in data trends.
"the proportion of studies fluctuated dramatically and unevenly" -> "the proportion of individuals moving for study purposes fluctuated significantly and unpredictably"
Explanation: "Individuals moving for study purposes" specifies the context, and "significantly and unpredictably" provides a more precise description of the fluctuation’s nature.
"the number of employment" -> "the number of individuals moving for employment reasons"
Explanation: "Individuals moving for employment reasons" clarifies the subject and provides a more specific context than the vague "number of employment."

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 1

Band Score: 1

Explanation: The essay does not address the task. The essay is about the reasons people relocate to a capital city, not the UK workforce in five major industries in 1841 and 2011. The essay also does not summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

How to improve: The essay should be rewritten to address the task. The essay should summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. The essay should also be written in a clear and concise style.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates some attempt at organizing information, but there are significant issues with coherence and cohesion throughout.

Coherence: The essay lacks clear progression and organization. The information jumps between different aspects without a clear structure or logical flow. For example, the discussion about reasons for relocation (adventures, family/friends, studies, employment) is presented in a fragmented manner without a coherent narrative.
Cohesion: There is limited and ineffective use of cohesive devices. Some sentences are unclear due to faulty referencing and lack of clear connections between ideas. For instance, the transitions between time periods (2000 to 2015) are abrupt and not well-managed, leading to confusion for the reader.
Paragraphing: The essay does not consistently use paragraphs. Sentences are often strung together without clear breaks or logical grouping of ideas, which contributes to the overall lack of coherence.

How to improve:

Organization: Focus on organizing the information in a clear and logical manner. This can be achieved by structuring the essay with an introduction, body paragraphs that discuss each aspect (reasons for relocation), and a conclusion summarizing the findings.
Cohesion: Use cohesive devices effectively to connect ideas within sentences and paragraphs. This includes appropriate use of pronouns, conjunctions, and transitional phrases to guide the reader through the essay.
Paragraphing: Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single aspect or time period. Start new paragraphs to introduce new ideas or to separate different aspects of the data.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve better coherence and cohesion, leading to a more structured and understandable response.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary and lacks precision in lexical choices. There are numerous errors in word formation and spelling throughout the text, which significantly impact readability and comprehension. Sentences are often fragmented or unclear, making it difficult for the reader to follow the intended message. The vocabulary used is basic and repetitive, with inadequate control of lexical features.

How to improve:

Expand Vocabulary: Aim to use a broader range of vocabulary relevant to the topic, such as specific terms related to demographic trends or reasons for migration.
Accuracy in Word Choice: Focus on selecting words accurately to convey precise meanings and avoid repetitive language.
Sentence Structure: Work on improving sentence structure to enhance clarity and coherence, ensuring ideas are expressed in a more organized manner.

Improving these aspects will help raise the lexical resource score towards higher bands by enhancing clarity, precision, and appropriateness of vocabulary use.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.5

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a mixture of simple and complex sentence structures. It attempts to use complex sentences but often lacks accuracy, leading to frequent grammatical errors and issues with punctuation. There are instances where the meaning is distorted due to these errors, particularly affecting clarity and coherence. The essay shows an attempt to present a variety of sentence structures but struggles with consistent accuracy and clarity.

How to improve:

Accuracy in Complex Structures: Focus on improving the accuracy of complex sentence structures. Ensure that when attempting to use complex sentences, each one is grammatically correct and effectively communicates the intended meaning.
Punctuation: Pay attention to punctuation rules, particularly in complex sentences. This includes using commas, semicolons, and other punctuation marks correctly to enhance clarity and readability.
Proofreading: Take time to proofread the essay carefully to identify and correct grammatical errors and punctuation mistakes. This step is crucial to ensure that errors do not detract from the overall coherence and quality of the essay.

Improving in these areas will help elevate the essay’s grammatical range and accuracy towards a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line graph presents survey results detailing the primary motivations for individuals relocating to the capital city of a specific nation. Overall, noticeable fluctuations are observed in the reasons related to employment and study.

Specifically, from 2000 to 2015, the number of adventurers steadily increased from approximately 10,000 to nearly 20,000. Moreover, between 2000 and 2010, there was a continuous ascent in the figures for family and friends, rising from about 10,000 to over 20,000, though this remained stable from 2010 to 2015.

Conversely, the data shows significant and irregular fluctuations in the number of individuals relocating for study purposes, varying from around 20,000 to nearly 90,000 between 2000 and 2015. Similarly, there was notable instability in the figures related to employment during this period.