3. In some countries, a high proportion of criminal acts are committed by teenagers. Why has this happened? What can be done to deal with this?
In recent years, the surge in crime rate, which focus on young generations, has been received public attention. This trend can be attributed to a whole host of reasons, and some feasible solutions should be taken in account to tackle it.
Admittedly, in light of lack of education from parents, children might become a criminal at a young age. In fact, lots of parents often focus on making money in order to feed their family but they forget to spend time educating and leading their children to go in the right way, resulting in children’s behavior being out of control. Furthermore, due to movies’ impacts on adolescent minds , the younger generations have violent actions and habits, leading to become potential criminals. They started to act inappropriately and commit crimes like movie characters who think they are heroes. Thus, it is important for parents and governments to prevent children from being involved in infractions.
One might argue that it is highly advisable for parents to be more aware of child development. This is predicated on advice that that parents should spend time educating and leading their children to the bright path. For instance, they can make use of time for meals to talk with their young about their problems and offer them help. Moreover, governments need to consider carefully for publishing movies which have violence topics. This can be seen on Youtube Kids, all contents of kids’ channels are controlled and limited by coordination between Youtube and national governments.
In conclusion, it is undeniable that the number of teenage criminals rise in today's society due to certain reasons. However, lots of measures can be taken in order to completely tackle the problem. If society implements appropriate education for teenagers and acknowledge more about maturation. It would definitely bring down the crime rates.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
"which focus on young generations" -> "that focus on the younger generation"
Explanation: Replace "which focus on young generations" with "that focus on the younger generation" for better clarity and to maintain a more formal tone.
"some feasible solutions should be taken in account" -> "some viable solutions should be considered"
Explanation: Substitute "taken in account" with "considered" for a more formal and appropriate phrase that maintains the intended meaning.
"lots of parents" -> "many parents"
Explanation: "Lots of" is too informal for an academic context. "Many parents" is a more suitable and formal term.
"they forget to spend time educating and leading their children to go in the right way" -> "they neglect to dedicate time to educate and guide their children properly"
Explanation: The revised phrase provides a more formal and clear description, avoiding colloquial expressions and maintaining academic tone.
"leading to become potential criminals" -> "resulting in the potential for criminal behavior"
Explanation: Restructuring the phrase enhances clarity and formality, providing a more precise description of the consequence.
"They started to act inappropriately and commit crimes like movie characters who think they are heroes." -> "This leads them to exhibit inappropriate behavior and commit crimes, emulating movie characters whom they perceive as heroes."
Explanation: The revised sentence offers a more formal structure and replaces casual language with a more academically appropriate one.
"it is highly advisable for parents" -> "it is strongly recommended for parents"
Explanation: "Highly advisable" is slightly informal. Replacing it with "strongly recommended" maintains formality and clarity.
"predicated on advice that that parents should spend time educating" -> "based on the advice that parents should dedicate time to educating"
Explanation: The revised phrase maintains formality and clarity, avoiding repetition and improving sentence structure.
"they can make use of time for meals to talk with their young about their problems and offer them help" -> "they can utilize meal times to converse with their children about their concerns and provide support"
Explanation: The suggested alternative is more formal and clearer, offering a precise description without colloquial expressions.
"governments need to consider carefully for publishing movies" -> "governments need to carefully consider the publication of movies"
Explanation: Reordering the phrase and using "carefully consider" instead of "consider carefully" enhances formality and readability.
"contents of kids’ channels are controlled and limited by coordination" -> "content on children’s channels is regulated through coordination"
Explanation: The revised sentence structure improves clarity and formality without altering the intended meaning.
"the number of teenage criminals rise" -> "the increase in teenage criminality"
Explanation: Restructuring the phrase and using "increase in teenage criminality" maintains formality and clarity in the statement.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6
Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both aspects of the prompt by discussing potential reasons for the increase in teenage crime and suggesting measures to deal with it. It touches upon parental neglect, media influence, and offers suggestions for parental involvement and government intervention.
- How to improve: The essay lacks depth in its exploration of causes and solutions. It briefly mentions parental neglect and media influence but doesn’t provide nuanced insights or statistical evidence to support these claims. To improve, it could offer specific examples, statistical data, or scholarly references to bolster its arguments.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent stance advocating for parental guidance and government intervention to mitigate teenage crime. However, the connection between media influence and crime rates could be more explicitly linked throughout the essay.
- How to improve: Strengthen the thesis by intertwining the influence of media with the other factors contributing to teenage crime. This would create a more cohesive and interconnected argument, enhancing the clarity of the position.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks elaboration and substantial support. It mentions parental neglect and media influence but doesn’t delve into these factors deeply or provide concrete examples or evidence.
- How to improve: Extend each idea by providing detailed examples or case studies. For instance, offer specific instances where parental neglect resulted in juvenile delinquency or cite research studies demonstrating the correlation between media violence and teenage criminal behavior.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by addressing the causes and solutions regarding teenage crime. However, it briefly touches upon societal views of maturity without a direct link to the main discussion.
- How to improve: Ensure all points directly relate to the central theme. If discussing maturity, connect it explicitly to its impact on teenage crime rates.
The essay presents a structured response to the prompt but lacks depth and specificity in its arguments. To improve, focus on providing detailed examples, empirical evidence, or case studies to support the points made. Strengthen the connection between different factors contributing to teenage crime and consistently tie them back to the proposed solutions. Additionally, ensure that all points directly relate to the central theme of the essay.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally logical organization. The introduction introduces the topic, the body paragraphs present reasons and solutions, and the conclusion summarizes the key points. However, there is room for improvement in the flow between paragraphs. Transitions between ideas are sometimes abrupt, affecting the overall coherence. For example, the shift from discussing parents’ lack of education to the impact of movies on teenagers could be smoother.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases to connect ideas between paragraphs. Ensure each paragraph follows a clear progression of thought, with one idea naturally leading to the next. This will contribute to a more seamless and coherent essay structure.
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs, with each one focusing on a specific aspect of the topic. However, there are instances where a paragraph could be more unified and focused. For instance, the second paragraph covers both parental neglect and the influence of movies on teenagers. It might be more effective to dedicate separate paragraphs to each of these ideas to maintain clarity and coherence.
- How to improve: Refine paragraph structure by ensuring each paragraph has a clear main idea and supporting details related to that idea. Consider breaking down complex ideas into smaller, more focused paragraphs to enhance readability and coherence.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as pronouns ("they," "their") and transitional phrases ("admittedly," "furthermore," "one might argue," "in conclusion"). However, there is room for improvement in the variety and sophistication of cohesive devices. More diverse connectors and linking words could be used to create stronger connections between sentences and ideas.
- How to improve: Expand the use of cohesive devices by incorporating a wider range of linking words and transition phrases. For example, consider using concessive phrases ("although," "while") to introduce contrasting ideas and adding parallel structures for balance. This will contribute to a more cohesive and sophisticated essay.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, refining the logical organization, paragraph structure, and cohesive device usage will elevate the essay to a higher band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use varied terms, but some repetition and reliance on basic vocabulary are evident. For example, the frequent use of phrases like "young generations" and "children" could be diversified. However, the essay does incorporate words such as "infraction," "maturation," and "admittedly," indicating some attempt at lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To enhance the score, introduce more sophisticated vocabulary related to crime, adolescence, and societal issues. Replace repetitive terms with synonyms and explore nuanced expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly using "young generations," consider alternatives like "youth" or "adolescents."
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The precision of vocabulary usage is inconsistent. While some terms are used accurately (e.g., "maturation" and "infraction"), there are instances where imprecise language weakens the expression of ideas. For example, the phrase "children might become a criminal" could be refined to "children might engage in criminal activities."
- How to improve: Carefully choose words that precisely convey the intended meaning. In cases of ambiguity or generalization, specify the nature of criminal activities or behaviors. This will contribute to a clearer and more nuanced presentation of ideas.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, spelling is reasonably accurate. However, there are minor errors, such as "received public attention" (received public attention should be singular – received public attention). Additionally, the phrase "publishing movies which have violence topics" could be improved to "producing movies with violent themes."
- How to improve: Pay close attention to singular/plural forms and ensure consistency in tense and subject-verb agreement. Use language that is grammatically precise to convey ideas accurately. Proofread carefully to catch and correct minor spelling errors.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of vocabulary use, improvements can be made by incorporating a broader range of terms, using vocabulary more precisely, and ensuring consistent and accurate spelling. Encourage the exploration of synonyms and more nuanced expressions to elevate the overall lexical quality of the essay.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including simple and complex sentences. However, there is room for improvement in the diversity of sentence structures. Many sentences follow a straightforward pattern, which could be enriched by incorporating more complex structures such as compound-complex sentences or varying sentence lengths for stylistic effect.
- How to improve: To enhance the essay’s overall quality, strive for greater sentence variety. Introduce compound and compound-complex sentences to add complexity and nuance. Experiment with different sentence lengths to create a more engaging and varied narrative. For example, instead of consistently using short sentences, consider combining ideas to create more sophisticated structures.
Use Grammar Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits accurate grammar usage with only minor errors. There are instances where sentence structures could be refined for clarity and precision. For instance, in the sentence "This trend can be attributed to a whole host of reasons, and some feasible solutions should be taken in account to tackle it," the phrase "taken in account" should be corrected to "taken into account." Additionally, some sentences could benefit from rephrasing to improve overall coherence.
- How to improve: Pay careful attention to idiomatic expressions and ensure proper usage. Review sentences for clarity, and consider rephrasing if any ambiguity arises. Proofread the essay thoroughly to catch and correct minor errors in grammar and expression.
Use Correct Punctuation:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, punctuation is used adequately, but there are occasional errors. For example, the sentence "For instance, they can make use of time for meals to talk with their young about their problems and offer them help" lacks a comma after "For instance," and the phrase "talk with their young" could be refined to "talk with their young ones."
- How to improve: Focus on refining punctuation usage for improved clarity and coherence. Ensure the correct placement of commas, semicolons, and other punctuation marks. In the example provided, consider adding a comma after introductory phrases, and review the use of terms to ensure precision. Proofread carefully to identify and rectify such punctuation errors throughout the essay.
By addressing these specific aspects, you can elevate the essay’s grammatical range and accuracy, contributing to an enhanced overall quality.
Bài sửa mẫu
In recent years, there has been a noticeable increase in the crime rate among the younger generation, drawing public attention. This trend can be attributed to various reasons, and it is crucial to consider some practical solutions to address it.
Primarily, the lack of proper guidance and education from parents is a significant factor contributing to the early involvement of children in criminal activities. Frequently, parents focus on earning a living to support their families but neglect to dedicate time to educate and guide their children effectively. This results in uncontrolled behavior among children, with the potential for criminal activities. Additionally, the impact of movies on the minds of adolescents plays a role in shaping their actions and habits, potentially leading them towards criminal behavior. They may emulate characters from movies whom they perceive as heroes, engaging in inappropriate actions and criminal acts. Therefore, it is strongly recommended for parents and governments to take preventive measures to keep children from getting involved in criminal behavior.
It is highly advisable for parents to be more aware of child development and actively engage in the education and guidance of their children. Following the advice that parents should dedicate time to educating and leading their children in the right direction, they can utilize meal times to have meaningful conversations with their children about their concerns and provide necessary support. Moreover, governments should carefully consider the content of movies that may have a negative influence on young minds. Just as content on children’s channels is regulated through coordination between platforms and national governments, a similar approach should be applied to movies targeting teenagers.
In conclusion, the rise in teenage criminality in today’s society can be attributed to various factors. However, by implementing appropriate education for teenagers and fostering awareness about their development, significant strides can be made in reducing crime rates. It is essential for both parents and governments to play an active role in preventing the involvement of the younger generation in criminal activities.