48.Some people think that art is an essential subject for students at school while others say that it is a waste of time and they should learn math and other languages instead. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

In this day and age, education is an extremely crucial issue in many societies. The majority rely that Some people think that art is an essential subject for students at school while others say that it is a waste of time and they should learn math and other languages instead. The discussion surrounding this problem will be clarified in the essay.
On the one hand, there are several convincing reasons why art is an essential subject for students at school. Beginning with education and entertainment, student can adjust the mindset and widen the horizon when they study art at school, these things help them decrease academic burden and limit playing time from the benefits of studying art. Besides, they can experience a sense of newness and save the positive status, it will support them to feel at ease and enhance creativity and they will feel necessary as well as stunning when they study art at school. Therefore, the majority advise and encourage students should study art at school to help for education and entertainment.
On the other hand, there are also some reasons why it is a waste of time and they should learn math and other languages instead. Initially about education and entertainment,, students can understand many languages and increase the insight when they learn math and other languages instead, these things help them approach valuable inputs and develop confidence from the benefits of limiting art subjects at school. In addition, they can experience of the outside world and understand a new language when studying English at school or on the internet, it will support them to approach future goals and they will feel important as well as interested when they should math and other languages instead at school. Thus, teacher should look into the problem to have suitable encouragement for the mentioned situation.
In conclusion, every single situation will consist of both upsides and downsides. From my personal viewpoint, we need to take advantages of the pros and minimize the cons of the issue

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"In this day and age" -> "Currently"
Explanation: "In this day and age" is a colloquial expression. "Currently" is more formal and suitable for academic writing.
"The majority rely that" -> "Many believe that"
Explanation: "The majority rely that" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "Many believe that" is grammatically correct and clearer.
"Some people think" -> "Some argue"
Explanation: "Some people think" is too informal and vague for academic writing. "Some argue" is more precise and formal.
"it is a waste of time" -> "it is unnecessary"
Explanation: "It is a waste of time" is colloquial and subjective. "It is unnecessary" is more objective and formal.
"they should learn math and other languages instead" -> "they should prioritize math and other languages"
Explanation: "They should learn" is too simplistic and direct. "They should prioritize" suggests a more thoughtful and strategic approach, which is more suitable for academic discourse.
"student can adjust" -> "students can adjust"
Explanation: "Student" should be plural to match the context of multiple students.
"widen the horizon" -> "expand their horizons"
Explanation: "Widen the horizon" is a metaphorical expression that may be considered too informal for academic writing. "Expand their horizons" is a more formal and precise phrase.
"these things help them" -> "these benefits help them"
Explanation: "These things" is vague and informal. "These benefits" specifies what is being referred to, enhancing clarity and formality.
"save the positive status" -> "maintain a positive status"
Explanation: "Save the positive status" is unclear and grammatically incorrect. "Maintain a positive status" is grammatically correct and clearer.
"they will feel necessary as well as stunning" -> "they will feel both necessary and impressive"
Explanation: "Stunning" is an emotional and informal term. "Impressive" is more neutral and appropriate for academic writing.
"the majority advise and encourage students should study" -> "many advocate that students should study"
Explanation: "The majority advise and encourage" is awkwardly phrased and informal. "Many advocate that" is more concise and formal.
"it is a waste of time and they should learn math and other languages instead" -> "it is unnecessary and they should prioritize math and other languages"
Explanation: Replacing "it is a waste of time" with "it is unnecessary" maintains formality and precision.
"they can understand many languages and increase the insight" -> "they can acquire multiple languages and enhance their understanding"
Explanation: "Increase the insight" is vague and informal. "Enhance their understanding" is more precise and formal.
"they can experience of the outside world" -> "they can gain exposure to the outside world"
Explanation: "Experience of the outside world" is grammatically incorrect. "Gain exposure to the outside world" is grammatically correct and clearer.
"they will feel important as well as interested" -> "they will feel both important and interested"
Explanation: "As well as" is informal and less precise. "Both" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing.
"should look into the problem" -> "should address the issue"
Explanation: "Look into the problem" is informal and vague. "Address the issue" is more specific and formal.
"take advantages of the pros" -> "capitalize on the advantages"
Explanation: "Take advantages of the pros" is grammatically incorrect and informal. "Capitalize on the advantages" is grammatically correct and more formal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to discuss both views on whether art should be a part of school curriculum or not. It briefly mentions arguments for both perspectives but does not fully develop each viewpoint. For instance, the arguments in favor of art are vague and lack specific examples or elaboration.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay should dedicate separate paragraphs to thoroughly discuss the benefits of art education (e.g., fostering creativity, reducing academic stress) and the arguments against it (e.g., prioritizing math and languages for practical skills). Each viewpoint should be supported with specific examples or evidence.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay concludes with a statement suggesting a balanced view, but throughout the body paragraphs, the stance is not consistently clear. The arguments are presented somewhat ambiguously, without a strong stance evident in each paragraph.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, the writer should clearly state their own opinion in the introduction and maintain a consistent stance throughout the essay. This could involve clearly aligning arguments with the writer’s opinion or presenting a balanced view with clear transitions between perspectives.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The ideas presented lack depth and coherence. While the essay attempts to present arguments, they are not well-developed or supported with specific examples or reasoning. For instance, the benefits of art and drawbacks of not learning art are mentioned briefly without clear elaboration.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay should expand on each point with detailed explanations, examples, or anecdotes. This would help to fully develop the arguments and make them more convincing to the reader.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay broadly addresses the topic but occasionally deviates with unclear or repetitive statements that do not directly relate to the prompt. For example, the repeated mention of "education and entertainment" lacks specificity and relevance to the arguments presented.
- How to improve: To stay focused, the writer should ensure that every sentence and paragraph directly relates to the prompt. Avoiding repetitive phrases and ensuring each point contributes directly to the discussion would enhance coherence and relevance.

In summary, while the essay attempts to discuss both views on the role of art in education, it lacks depth and clarity in presenting arguments and maintaining a consistent stance. Improvements can be made by providing specific examples, thoroughly developing each viewpoint, and ensuring that all content directly relates to the prompt.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both sides of the argument regarding whether art is essential in school. However, the organization lacks clarity and coherence. The introduction is vague and does not clearly outline the discussion points. Paragraphs generally attempt to present reasons for and against studying art, but transitions between ideas are abrupt, leading to a somewhat disjointed flow. For instance, the shift between discussing benefits of studying art to the benefits of studying math and languages is sudden and lacks a smooth transition.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, start with a clear introduction that outlines the discussion points (e.g., benefits of art, arguments against art, personal opinion). Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single coherent idea, supporting it with examples and transitioning smoothly to the next point. Consider using linking words and phrases (e.g., firstly, however, therefore) to guide the reader through the argumentative structure.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use paragraphs to structure ideas, but the structure is inconsistent. Some paragraphs contain multiple ideas without clear delineation, while others are too short or lack development. For example, the paragraph discussing reasons for studying art at school combines benefits of education, entertainment, and creativity without clear separation.
- How to improve: Aim for each paragraph to focus on a single main idea or argument. Start each paragraph with a topic sentence that clearly states the main point. Support this point with examples or explanations, ensuring coherence within the paragraph. Use transitions to connect paragraphs logically and maintain a clear progression of ideas throughout the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks variety in cohesive devices, relying mainly on basic conjunctions (e.g., and, but) and repetition of ideas. There is limited use of more sophisticated cohesive devices such as transitional phrases (e.g., consequently, on the other hand) or pronouns to refer back to previously mentioned concepts.
- How to improve: Increase the variety of cohesive devices used throughout the essay to improve coherence. Introduce transitional phrases to signal shifts between ideas (e.g., however, in addition). Use pronouns and synonyms to refer back to concepts introduced earlier in the essay, helping to create a cohesive thread that ties the entire argument together.

Overall, while the essay attempts to address the prompt, the coherence and cohesion suffer due to inconsistent paragraph structure, lack of clear organization, and limited use of cohesive devices. Strengthening these aspects will help improve clarity and make the argument more persuasive and cohesive.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 3

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 3

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary. There is frequent repetition of phrases and limited variation in word choice, such as "education and entertainment" and "they should [study art/learn math and other languages] instead". Specific terms or idiomatic expressions that could enrich the vocabulary and demonstrate a broader lexical resource are largely absent.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to diversify their vocabulary by incorporating synonyms, idiomatic expressions, and specialized terms related to the topic. For example, instead of repeatedly using "education and entertainment", explore terms like "academic enrichment" or "cultural enrichment". This can be achieved by actively learning new vocabulary and practicing its application in writing.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: Vocabulary usage is generally imprecise throughout the essay. For instance, phrases like "adjust the mindset", "save the positive status", and "limit playing time" are unclear and could be replaced with more precise terms. Additionally, there are instances where the intended meaning may be misunderstood due to imprecise word choices.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, focus on choosing words that precisely convey the intended meaning. Use adjectives and adverbs that accurately describe concepts and avoid ambiguous or vague expressions. For example, instead of "save the positive status", consider "maintain a positive outlook". It’s beneficial to consult a thesaurus to find more precise alternatives for commonly used words.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is a noticeable issue in the essay. There are several instances of misspelled words and errors, such as "save the positive status" (should be "state") and "encouragement" (should be "encouraged"). These errors detract from the overall clarity and professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: Improving spelling requires regular practice and attention to detail. Utilize spell-check tools during drafting and proofreading stages. Review commonly misspelled words and practice spelling them correctly. Additionally, reading more can help internalize correct spelling patterns. Taking time to proofread carefully before submission is crucial to catching and correcting spelling errors.

In summary, while the essay addresses the prompt and presents arguments for both sides, the lexical resource is limited and imprecise, and there are noticeable spelling errors. By actively working on expanding vocabulary, using words precisely, and improving spelling accuracy through practice and review, the writer can enhance the quality and effectiveness of their writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic range of sentence structures, including simple and compound sentences. There is an attempt to vary sentence beginnings and structures, although transitions between ideas are sometimes abrupt.
- Example: "In this day and age, education is an extremely crucial issue in many societies." (Complex sentence with introductory clause)
- The essay also uses some complex structures such as "Beginning with education and entertainment, student can adjust the mindset and widen the horizon…"
- How to improve: To enhance the variety and effectiveness of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences, such as conditional sentences (e.g., If…then…), passive constructions, or inverted sentences. This can improve coherence and fluency.
- Example: Instead of "The discussion surrounding this problem will be clarified in the essay," consider a more nuanced transition like "This essay will explore both perspectives in depth."
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay shows an attempt at grammatical accuracy, but there are noticeable errors throughout. For instance, incorrect subject-verb agreement ("the majority rely that Some people think"), missing articles ("from the benefits of studying art"), and punctuation errors (unnecessary commas, missing commas).
- Example: "they can experience a sense of newness and save the positive status, it will support them…"
- How to improve: Focus on improving accuracy in subject-verb agreement, article usage, and punctuation. Review specific areas where errors occur frequently, such as plural/singular forms, and practice using commas correctly for clarity. Consider proofreading for common mistakes before finalizing the essay.
- Example: Instead of "they can experience of the outside world," use "they can experience the outside world," and ensure commas are used appropriately for separating ideas.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates some competence in using a variety of sentence structures, improvements in grammatical accuracy and punctuation are necessary to achieve a higher band score. Increasing the complexity and accuracy of sentence structures will contribute to better cohesion and coherence in the essay, enhancing its overall clarity and effectiveness.

Bài sửa mẫu

In this modern era, education holds paramount importance in many societies. Currently, many believe that art is an essential subject for students at school, while others argue that it is unnecessary and they should prioritize math and other languages instead. The discussion surrounding this issue will be elucidated in this essay.

On one hand, there are compelling reasons why studying art is beneficial for students. Some argue that it allows students to expand their horizons and adjust their mindset, thereby reducing academic pressure and enhancing creativity. Additionally, exposure to art can foster a sense of newness and maintain a positive status among students. These benefits help students feel both necessary and impressive, suggesting that incorporating art into the curriculum can have positive outcomes.

On the other hand, proponents of focusing on math and other languages argue that these subjects are more practical and essential for students’ educational development. They contend that by prioritizing math and language acquisition, students can acquire multiple languages and enhance their understanding of different cultures. Moreover, proficiency in these subjects can open doors to various opportunities and careers. They can gain exposure to the outside world and feel both important and interested in pursuing their academic goals through the study of these subjects.

In conclusion, the debate between the importance of art versus math and other languages at school presents valid arguments on both sides. While art promotes creativity and a broader perspective, math and languages offer practical skills and opportunities. Ultimately, educational institutions should address this issue by capitalizing on the advantages of both approaches to ensure a well-rounded education for students.

This essay suggests that balancing art with math and languages can offer students a comprehensive educational experience, combining creativity with practical skills for their future endeavors.