Some people think that work is the most important thing in people’s lives. Without the success of a career, life will become meaningless. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In modern society, the job plays a pivotal role in people’s position in the community. While it is believed that the affair which is intense impacts further than other things in the individual’s lives and its failure influences their value, there is compelling evidence that does not have enough grounds. In my view, I do not agree with this opinion.
There is a common belief that the individual’s occupation has less achievement, which leads to extreme difficulties in their lives. An important reason is that the presence of the burden of their family as well as the pressure of society make them overwhelmed. This means that these affect negative mental and strength in their mind. Another reason is that these individuals do not have a chance to carry out their desires due to beyond their ability. For example, Giang Oi, a common channel in Vietnam, the host’s channel has had various experiences and insights, thanks to the successful affair that she is extremely confident and doing what she desires.
However, there are more reasonable grounds that job success is not significant for all people. This is firstly because the life which not only has the working, these individuals are to concern plenty of things in personal life such as relationship and sickness. In addition to this, in terms of perspective, absolutely different, some who suppose adequate working thus to developing that. For instance, Tuan Map, a well-known local brand in Thu Duc ward of Vietnam, has only a diner.
In conclusion, although some people believe that people’s success in work, and life is valuable and meaningful, I suppose conversely, people can do other things to recognize their acquirement. It is recommended that all should do what they desire.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"job" -> "profession"
Explanation: Replacing "job" with "profession" enhances formality and specificity, aligning with academic language.
"affair" -> "career"
Explanation: Substituting "affair" with "career" improves precision and maintains a more formal tone.
"has enough grounds" -> "is substantiated"
Explanation: Changing "has enough grounds" to "is substantiated" enhances the formality and clarity of the statement.
"In my view, I do not agree with this opinion." -> "Contrary to this perspective, I disagree."
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence to "Contrary to this perspective, I disagree" maintains a more formal tone and eliminates redundancy.
"individual’s occupation" -> "individual’s professional pursuits"
Explanation: Replacing "individual’s occupation" with "individual’s professional pursuits" adds specificity and formality.
"burden of their family" -> "responsibilities toward their family"
Explanation: Substituting "burden of their family" with "responsibilities toward their family" conveys a more nuanced and formal expression.
"negative mental and strength in their mind" -> "adverse psychological and emotional impact"
Explanation: Changing "negative mental and strength in their mind" to "adverse psychological and emotional impact" improves precision and formality.
"carry out their desires due to beyond their ability" -> "fulfill their aspirations due to limitations"
Explanation: Replacing "carry out their desires due to beyond their ability" with "fulfill their aspirations due to limitations" maintains clarity and formality.
"common channel in Vietnam" -> "popular television personality in Vietnam"
Explanation: Substituting "common channel in Vietnam" with "popular television personality in Vietnam" provides a more accurate and formal description.
"life which not only has the working" -> "life that encompasses more than just work"
Explanation: Changing "life which not only has the working" to "life that encompasses more than just work" improves clarity and formality.
"relationship and sickness" -> "personal relationships and health"
Explanation: Substituting "relationship and sickness" with "personal relationships and health" provides a more precise and formal expression.
"For instance, Tuan Map, a well-known local brand" -> "For example, Tuan Map, a prominent figure in the local community"
Explanation: Replacing "well-known local brand" with "prominent figure in the local community" offers a more accurate and formal description.
"although some people believe that people’s success in work, and life is valuable" -> "while some argue that success in both work and life holds great value"
Explanation: Restructuring "although some people believe that people’s success in work, and life is valuable" to "while some argue that success in both work and life holds great value" maintains a more formal tone and clarity.
"I suppose conversely, people can do other things to recognize their acquirement." -> "I posit, on the contrary, that individuals can pursue alternative avenues to acknowledge their accomplishments."
Explanation: Changing "I suppose conversely, people can do other things to recognize their acquirement" to "I posit, on the contrary, that individuals can pursue alternative avenues to acknowledge their accomplishments" enhances formality and clarity.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses all parts of the question but lacks clarity and coherence. The introduction mentions the importance of a job in society but fails to clearly state the writer’s position. The body paragraphs attempt to present arguments both in favor and against the significance of job success, but the organization is confusing, making it challenging to follow the writer’s stance.
- How to improve: To improve, clearly state your position in the introduction and maintain a consistent focus on that perspective throughout the essay. Ensure that each paragraph contributes coherently to your main point.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay struggles to maintain a clear position. While the writer states disagreement with the prompt, the body paragraphs present arguments both in favor and against the significance of job success. This inconsistency affects the overall clarity of the essay.
- How to improve: Choose a clear stance and consistently present arguments and evidence to support that stance throughout the essay. Avoid introducing conflicting ideas that may confuse the reader.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The ideas in the essay are presented in a disjointed manner. There is a lack of development and support for the arguments, with limited elaboration on examples provided. For instance, the example of Giang Oi and Tuan Map is mentioned but not sufficiently explained or connected to the overall argument.
- How to improve: Extend your ideas by providing more detailed examples and explanations. Connect each example directly to your main argument, illustrating how it supports your perspective on the importance of job success.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally deviates from the topic, especially in the second body paragraph, where it discusses personal life, relationships, and sickness. While these aspects are mentioned, they are not effectively tied back to the main argument, leading to a lack of focus.
- How to improve: Ensure that every point made is directly related to the prompt. If discussing personal life, relationships, or sickness, connect these aspects explicitly to the overall theme of the importance of job success in people’s lives.

In conclusion, while the essay attempts to address the prompt, it lacks clarity, consistency, and focus. To improve, the writer should choose a clear position, present well-developed ideas, and ensure that every point made directly supports the chosen stance. Additionally, work on organizing the essay coherently to enhance overall readability.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 3

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 3

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a somewhat erratic organization of information. While the introduction sets the stage by presenting both perspectives, the body paragraphs lack a clear progression of ideas. The first body paragraph discusses the challenges of job-related success, but the transition to the second body paragraph, which presents counterarguments, feels abrupt. This disrupts the logical flow of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider employing a more structured approach. Begin each body paragraph with a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting details. Ensure a smooth transition between paragraphs to guide the reader through the progression of ideas.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: Paragraphing is somewhat ineffective. The first body paragraph addresses challenges related to job success but combines various ideas without clear breaks. The second body paragraph introduces counterarguments but lacks a distinct transition. Adequate use of paragraphs is crucial for readability and comprehension, and this essay falls short in achieving that.
- How to improve: Focus on creating well-structured paragraphs. Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting details, and ensure a smooth transition between paragraphs. This will improve the overall coherence and make the essay more reader-friendly.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks a diverse range of cohesive devices, making the connection between sentences and ideas less effective. While some cohesive devices, such as "while" and "however," are used, they are not consistently applied, leading to a somewhat disjointed reading experience.
- How to improve: Increase the use of cohesive devices to establish clearer connections between sentences and ideas. Employ transitional phrases like "moreover," "furthermore," or "on the other hand" to enhance the coherence of the essay. This will contribute to a smoother and more coherent overall structure.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 5

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to incorporate varied words and expressions. However, the vocabulary could be more diverse and nuanced to elevate the quality of expression. For instance, the repetition of phrases like "important reason" and "for example" limits the richness of language use.
- How to improve: To enhance the vocabulary range, consider exploring synonyms and alternative expressions. Instead of relying on a few repetitive phrases, experiment with different words and idiomatic expressions. This will not only make your writing more engaging but also showcase a broader lexical repertoire.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt at precise vocabulary use, but there are instances where words are not used with utmost precision. For example, the phrase "the affair which is intense" could be replaced with a more precise term like "career demands" for clarity.
- How to improve: Pay careful attention to the precise meaning of words and use them in contexts that align with their intended meanings. Consider employing more specific and contextually fitting vocabulary to convey your ideas more accurately. This will contribute to a more sophisticated and precise expression of your thoughts.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains correct spelling throughout, with only a few minor errors such as "Giang Oi" instead of "Giang Oi" and "adequate working" instead of "adequate work." However, these errors do not significantly impact the overall spelling accuracy.
- How to improve: Continue to prioritize spelling accuracy. While the essay generally exhibits correct spelling, proofreading carefully can help catch minor errors. Consider using spelling and grammar checking tools to enhance accuracy further. Consistent attention to detail in spelling will contribute to an overall polished and professional piece.

In conclusion, the essay demonstrates a reasonable command of lexical resources, but there is room for improvement in diversifying vocabulary, using words more precisely, and maintaining consistent spelling accuracy. Focus on refining these aspects to elevate the overall quality of your writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a limited range of sentence structures, primarily relying on simple and compound sentences. There is minimal use of complex or compound-complex sentences, which could enhance the overall sophistication of the writing. The transitions between sentences and ideas are generally clear, but there’s room for improvement in introducing more variety in sentence structures.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating complex sentences by using subordination or coordination more effectively. This could involve combining ideas into a single, more complex sentence. Additionally, experiment with different sentence beginnings and lengths to create a more engaging and varied narrative.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and instances of awkward phrasing. For example, in the first paragraph, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("the affair which is intense impacts" should be "intense affairs impact") and preposition usage ("overwhelmed" could be "overburdened"). Punctuation, such as commas and periods, is generally used correctly, but there are instances of unnecessary commas and awkward placement. Improved proofreading is needed to correct these issues and enhance overall grammatical accuracy.
- How to improve: Conduct a thorough proofreading of the essay, paying close attention to subject-verb agreement, appropriate preposition usage, and sentence structure. Consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing writing tools to catch errors. Additionally, focus on refining phrasing for clarity and coherence, ensuring that ideas are expressed smoothly and accurately.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a competent command of English, there is room for improvement in sentence structure variety and grammatical accuracy. By incorporating a wider range of sentence structures and carefully proofreading for grammatical errors, the essay can achieve a higher level of sophistication and clarity.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary society, one’s profession holds a significant place in societal standing. While some argue that the intensity of one’s job affects their life more than other aspects, asserting that a career’s failure diminishes one’s worth, I respectfully disagree with this perspective.

There is a prevailing notion that a person’s job performance correlates directly with the overall challenges they face in life. This is attributed to the burden of familial responsibilities and societal pressures, leading to a strain on their mental and emotional well-being. Additionally, limitations in pursuing personal aspirations due to various constraints are seen as contributing factors. Take, for instance, Giang Oi, a popular television personality in Vietnam, whose successful career has provided her with diverse experiences and insights, instilling confidence to pursue her passions.

However, it is crucial to consider that job success may not be the paramount factor for everyone. Firstly, life encompasses more than just work; individuals must attend to various aspects such as personal relationships and health. Furthermore, perspectives on success differ, with some finding fulfillment in different pursuits. Tuan Map, a well-known local figure in Thu Duc ward of Vietnam, is a noteworthy example, managing only a diner but finding contentment in his chosen path.

In conclusion, while some advocate for the importance of achieving success in both work and life, I posit, on the contrary, that individuals can pursue alternative avenues to acknowledge their accomplishments. It is crucial for everyone to have the freedom to follow their passions and desires, recognizing that success can be attained through various paths.