The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In the contemporary era, obesity has been a matter of debate, with some advocating for more physical education lessons in schools, which is the optimal method to mitigate the issue. In my opinion, while comprehending the perspective, I still believe there are alternative strategies that are also effective in addressing the issue.

First and foremost, increasing the frequency of P.E. lessons can promote the physical well-being of the young. In particular, as there are many opportunities for students to engage in sports, their likelihood of obesity may decline. Research reveals that children can burn approximately 150 calories after joining a physical education lesson. In doing so, if schools conduct a lesson on physical education every day, pupils may burn a massive quantity of calories, leading to a reduction in body fat. As a result, this strategy can bolster their physical health, resulting in an increase in their life expectancy.

However, there are other methods that governments can implement to cope with the phenomenon. First of all, lawmakers can raise awareness among residents about the repercussions of being overweight. For instance, authorities could display videos relating to such problems on televisions and various social platforms so everyone can access and gain knowledge about obesity. Thus, people will be encouraged to engage in sports and avoid eating high-calorie food. On top of that, governments can enhance facilities such as parks and sports centers so citizens can utilize exercising equipment. Consequently, everyone may avoid a sedentary lifestyle, directly contributing to the nation’s health quality.

In conclusion, while acknowledging the outcomes of extending the PE lessons, there are other methods that can tackle the issue of obesity, namely advancing amenities and the dissemination of an appropriate lifestyle.

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Errors and Improvements:

1. "matter of debate" -> "subject of scholarly debate"
   Explanation: The phrase "subject of scholarly debate" elevates the formality of the sentence, making it more suitable for an academic context.

2. "optimal method" -> "most effective strategy"
   Explanation: "Most effective strategy" is a more precise and formal way of expressing the superiority of a method, aligning better with academic style.

3. "comprehending the perspective" -> "acknowledging the viewpoint"
   Explanation: "Acknowledging the viewpoint" is a more academically appropriate phrase that conveys a respectful consideration of alternative opinions.

4. "alternative strategies" -> "alternative approaches"
   Explanation: The term "approaches" is more formal and precise in an academic context when discussing methods to address an issue.

5. "increasing the frequency of P.E. lessons can promote" -> "enhancing the regularity of physical education classes may foster"
   Explanation: "Enhancing the regularity" and "may foster" are more formal expressions, and "physical education classes" is a more precise term than "P.E. lessons."

6. "a massive quantity of calories" -> "a significant number of calories"
   Explanation: "A significant number of calories" is a more formal and academically appropriate way to quantify calorie burn.

7. "bolster" -> "strengthen"
   Explanation: While "bolster" is not incorrect, "strengthen" is more commonly used in academic writing to describe the improvement of health or other qualities.

8. "cope with the phenomenon" -> "address this issue"
   Explanation: "Address this issue" is a clearer and more formal way of indicating the actions taken towards solving the problem of obesity.

9. "raise awareness among residents" -> "increase awareness among the population"
   Explanation: "Increase awareness among the population" is more formal and avoids the slightly informal connotation of "residents."

10. "display videos relating to such problems" -> "disseminate educational content addressing these issues"
    Explanation: "Disseminate educational content addressing these issues" is more formal and precise, indicating the distribution of informative material in a way that is academically appropriate.

11. "everyone can access and gain knowledge" -> "the public can access and acquire knowledge"
    Explanation: "The public" is a more formal term than "everyone," and "acquire knowledge" is more academically precise than "gain knowledge."

12. "enhance facilities" -> "improve facilities"
    Explanation: "Improve facilities" is a more straightforward and academically appropriate term for making better use of existing resources.

13. "utilize exercising equipment" -> "utilize exercise equipment"
    Explanation: "Exercise equipment" is the correct term, making the sentence more precise and appropriate for an academic context.

14. "tackle the issue" -> "address the issue"
    Explanation: "Address the issue" is a more formal and academically suitable phrase for discussing the resolution of a problem.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the question by discussing both the proposed solution of introducing more physical education (P.E.) lessons in schools and presenting alternative strategies for addressing obesity.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, consider providing a more thorough exploration of the potential drawbacks or limitations of increasing P.E. lessons, as well as further elaboration on how alternative strategies could complement or substitute for increased P.E. lessons.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position by acknowledging the potential benefits of increasing P.E. lessons while also advocating for alternative strategies to address obesity. The stance is consistent throughout the essay.
  • How to improve: To strengthen clarity, ensure that the thesis statement explicitly states the position taken on the issue and provide a roadmap of how the essay will support that position.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas regarding the benefits of increased P.E. lessons and alternative strategies such as raising awareness and enhancing facilities. However, these ideas could be further extended and supported with additional evidence or examples.
  • How to improve: To improve the presentation and development of ideas, provide more detailed examples or statistics to support claims and elaborate on how each proposed strategy could effectively address obesity.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by discussing strategies for dealing with obesity, including the proposed solution of increased P.E. lessons and alternative approaches. However, some tangential points, such as the discussion of life expectancy, could be more directly linked to the main topic.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that all points discussed directly relate to the topic of addressing obesity. Avoid introducing tangential ideas that do not directly support the main argument.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and presents a well-structured argument. To improve the score, consider providing more in-depth analysis, supporting ideas with additional evidence, and ensuring all points directly contribute to the central argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. It starts with an introduction that presents the topic and the writer’s stance clearly. Each body paragraph discusses a different method for addressing obesity, with one paragraph focusing on increasing physical education lessons and the other on alternative government interventions. The conclusion neatly summarizes the main points presented in the body paragraphs.
  • How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and that there is a clear transition between paragraphs. Additionally, consider providing more specific examples or evidence to support the points made in each paragraph.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to organize its content. Each paragraph addresses a different aspect of the topic, with clear topic sentences and supporting details. The paragraphs flow logically from one to the next, aiding the overall coherence of the essay.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, ensure that each paragraph develops a single coherent idea. Additionally, consider varying sentence structure within paragraphs to maintain reader interest and engagement.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a range of cohesive devices to connect ideas and enhance coherence. Examples include transitional phrases such as "First and foremost," "However," and "In conclusion," which guide the reader through the essay’s structure. Additionally, pronouns and demonstratives are used effectively to reference previously mentioned ideas.
  • How to improve: To further diversify cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of transition words and phrases to denote relationships between ideas, such as cause and effect, contrast, and similarity. Additionally, ensure consistent pronoun usage to avoid confusion for the reader.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates effective coherence and cohesion, there is room for improvement in providing more specific examples and varying cohesive devices to enhance clarity and engagement.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety in vocabulary, with terms such as "optimal," "mitigate," "bolster," and "dissemination" highlighting the writer’s capacity to navigate a broad lexical landscape. This range is further emphasized by phrases like "a matter of debate," "physical well-being," and "sedentary lifestyle," which contribute to the essay’s overall clarity and persuasiveness. However, the usage of complex vocabulary sometimes feels forced or slightly off-context, suggesting a preference for sophistication over natural flow.
  • How to improve: While the broad vocabulary is advantageous, focusing on the natural application of words can enhance readability and engagement. Practice incorporating advanced vocabulary into sentences where they fit seamlessly, without compromising the natural tone of the narrative. Reading widely and engaging in writing exercises that focus on context-appropriate vocabulary usage can be beneficial.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits instances of precise vocabulary usage, particularly in descriptive passages and argumentative points. For example, "promote the physical well-being," "massive quantity of calories," and "reduction in body fat" accurately convey the intended meaning and strengthen the argument. However, there are moments where word choice could be refined for greater precision. For instance, using "optimal method" in the introduction might oversimplify the complexity of the proposed solution, and the term "phenomenon" to describe obesity might not capture the severity of the issue.
  • How to improve: Enhancing precision in vocabulary usage involves selecting words that best fit the context and fully capture the nuances of the topic. It is helpful to consider synonyms and their connotations before deciding on the most appropriate term. Engaging in activities like peer review, where feedback is provided on word choice, and practicing rewriting sentences for clarity and precision can also aid improvement.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a high level of spelling accuracy, with no apparent spelling errors. This accuracy contributes significantly to the essay’s professionalism and readability, allowing readers to focus on the content without being distracted by avoidable mistakes.
  • How to improve: Maintaining and improving spelling accuracy can be achieved through regular practice and utilization of tools like spell checkers. However, it is also important to develop the habit of manually proofreading to catch errors that automated tools might miss. Engaging in reading activities, especially with materials that challenge your current level, can also expose you to correct spellings and usage in varied contexts.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences, compound sentences, and conditional constructions. For instance, the writer employs complex structures like "In particular, as there are many opportunities for students to engage in sports, their likelihood of obesity may decline." This complexity enhances the readability and coherence of the essay, providing a sophisticated level of expression.
  • How to improve: To further diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating rhetorical questions, parallel structures, and varied transitions. This could add further depth and sophistication to your writing, enhancing its overall impact.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and punctuation. However, there are a few instances where minor errors occur. For example, in the sentence "As a result, this strategy can bolster their physical health, resulting in an increase in their life expectancy," the use of a comma before "resulting" is unnecessary. Additionally, there’s a missing article in "First of all, lawmakers can raise awareness among residents about the repercussions of being overweight," where it should read "raise awareness among the residents."
  • How to improve: Pay close attention to article usage and unnecessary punctuation, ensuring that each mark serves a clear purpose in enhancing the clarity and flow of your sentences. Reviewing these areas during proofreading can help minimize such errors in future writing endeavors.

Bài sửa mẫu

In today’s world, obesity has become a subject of scholarly debate, with some advocating for the introduction of more physical education lessons in schools as the most effective strategy to address this issue. While acknowledging this viewpoint, I still believe there are alternative approaches that are equally effective in tackling the problem.

First and foremost, enhancing the regularity of physical education classes may foster the physical well-being of young individuals. By providing more opportunities for students to engage in sports, the likelihood of obesity may decrease. Studies show that children can burn approximately 150 calories during a single physical education lesson. Therefore, by increasing the frequency of these lessons, students have the potential to burn a significant number of calories, leading to a reduction in body fat and ultimately improving their overall physical health and life expectancy.

However, there are other approaches that governments can take to address this issue. Firstly, increasing awareness among the population about the consequences of being overweight is crucial. For instance, authorities could disseminate educational content addressing these issues through various media channels, such as television and social platforms, so that the public can access and acquire knowledge about obesity and its associated health risks. By increasing awareness, individuals may be encouraged to participate in physical activities and adopt healthier eating habits. Additionally, improving facilities such as parks and sports centers and making exercise equipment more accessible to citizens can also play a vital role in addressing this issue. This could help individuals avoid a sedentary lifestyle, thereby contributing to the overall health and well-being of the nation.

In conclusion, while recognizing the benefits of increasing physical education lessons, there are alternative approaches, such as enhancing facilities and increasing awareness, that can also effectively address the issue of obesity and promote a healthier lifestyle.