Topic: smoking is a major cause of serious illness and death throughout the world today. In the interest of public health, government should ban cigarettes and other tobacco products. To what do you agree or disagree?

In the contemporary society, the main cause of serious illness and death is tobacco smoke. Some individuals suppose that the governments should place a ban on tobaco and similar product. In my opinion, the should be a prohibition on these ideas as they cause some severe problems.
Tobacco consumption should be prohibited as it brings about numerous problems, such as pneumonia or lung cancer, which can lower smokers’ life expectancy. Because, cigarettes smoke contain more than 4 thousand substances, most are toxic substances of which 60 are carcinogens, the most dangerous being nicotine. Besides, people who live around smokers are also effected by smoke, especially babies and pregnant woman, when cigarette smoke penetrates the blood through the lung, it accumulates over time and becomes acondition and cause of cardiovascular, respiratory and many other organ diseases. With regard to the medical cause, having too many smokers can put a tremendons pressure on the healthcare system. If the government imposed a ban on tobacco products, this would lead to fewer cases of preventable deseases to smoking, which turn could free up human resources in the healthcare sector.
On the other hand, from an economic perspective, tobacco is an industry that brings huge profits. Just one company like Vinataba in Vietnam has daily revenus of nearly 53 billion VND. Companies like Vinataba not only earn huge profits but the state budget also collects alarge amout of tax from this business activity. Without much difficulty we can find cigarette shops everywhere, in every corner around. The value chain ecosystem surrouding tobacco production and consumption is developing at a high level, creating jobs for many people. If the government imposed a ban on tobacco products, it will easily lead to increased unemployment. Futhermore, there is no truly clear reseach on the harmful effects of tobacco, because the harmful effects of tobacco are a long-term process and there are many other factor that cause disease such as food unsafety, and at the same time, tobacco is a addictive substances, so if a country bans smoking but people’s need for smoking is still very large and cigarettes are an addictve product, it will lead to illegal production and trafficking. Cigarette smuggling increases to meet the needs of cigarette addcts. Therefore, it is not feasible for the government to prohibit tobacco.
Inconclusion, athough the hamful effects of tobacco are underniable, but the benefits from tobacco are very high and related to many sides of country. For the aforementioned reasons, I contend that the government should not impose a ban on the production and consumption of these products.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"In the contemporary society" -> "In contemporary society"
Explanation: Removing "the" before "contemporary society" corrects the phrase, as "contemporary society" is a general concept that does not require a definite article.
"suppose" -> "believe"
Explanation: "Believe" is more academically appropriate than "suppose," which is less formal and less precise in this context.
"the should be a prohibition" -> "there should be a prohibition"
Explanation: Correcting "the" to "there" fixes a typographical error and clarifies the sentence’s intended meaning.
"tobaco and similar product" -> "tobacco and similar products"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling of "tobacco" and makes "product" plural to match the plural context.
"brings about numerous problems" -> "results in numerous health issues"
Explanation: "Results in" is more precise, and "health issues" is more specific than "problems," enhancing academic tone.
"Because, cigarettes smoke contain" -> "Given that cigarette smoke contains"
Explanation: "Given that" is a more formal causal connector, and correcting "cigarettes smoke contain" to "cigarette smoke contains" addresses grammatical errors.
"effected" -> "affected"
Explanation: Corrects the misuse of "effected" to "affected," as the latter is the correct term for being impacted by something.
"woman" -> "women"
Explanation: Corrects the singular "woman" to plural "women" to match the plural context.
"acondition" -> "a condition"
Explanation: Adds a necessary space to correct the typo and improve readability.
"tremendons" -> "tremendous"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling of "tremendous."
"deseases" -> "diseases"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling of "diseases."
"to smoking" -> "attributable to smoking"
Explanation: "Attributable to smoking" is more formal and precise than "to smoking."
"revenus" -> "revenues"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling of "revenues."
"alarge amout" -> "a large amount"
Explanation: Adds a necessary space and corrects the spelling of "amount" to improve readability and accuracy.
"Without much difficulty we can find" -> "It is not difficult to find"
Explanation: "It is not difficult to find" is more formal and fits the academic style better than the conversational "Without much difficulty we can find."
"surrouding" -> "surrounding"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling of "surrounding."
"Futhermore" -> "Furthermore"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling of "Furthermore."
"reseach" -> "research"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling of "research."
"a addictive substances" -> "an addictive substance"
Explanation: Corrects the article "a" to "an" for phonetic accuracy and changes "substances" to singular to match the singular noun "tobacco."
"addcts" -> "addicts"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling of "addicts."
"Inconclusion" -> "In conclusion"
Explanation: Adds a necessary space to correct the typo and improve readability.
"athough" -> "although"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling of "although."
"hamful" -> "harmful"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling of "harmful."
"but the benefits from tobacco are very high and related to many sides of country" -> "yet the economic benefits of tobacco are significant and impact various sectors of the nation"
Explanation: Replaces "but" with "yet" for a smoother transition and rephrases to enhance formality and clarity, specifying "economic benefits" and their broad impact.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address all parts of the question by discussing both the health-related concerns associated with tobacco use and the economic implications of banning tobacco products. However, the discussion lacks depth and coherence in addressing these aspects comprehensively.
- How to improve: To improve, ensure a more thorough analysis of both sides of the argument, with clear explanations and examples. The essay should delve deeper into the public health consequences and government responsibilities, as well as the economic impacts of banning tobacco products.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position against the ban on tobacco products, maintaining this stance throughout the essay. However, the clarity could be enhanced by providing stronger reasoning and organization to support the position.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, clearly outline the reasons supporting the stance in the introduction and develop each supporting argument with specific examples and logical reasoning in the body paragraphs. This will strengthen the coherence and consistency of the position.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas but lacks sufficient development and support. While it mentions health concerns and economic benefits, the arguments are not elaborated upon adequately, and examples are limited.
- How to improve: To improve, provide more detailed explanations, examples, and evidence to support each idea presented. Develop each argument further to enhance the persuasiveness and depth of the essay.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by addressing the issue of tobacco use and the government’s potential ban. However, it briefly veers off-topic when mentioning food safety without connecting it back to the main argument effectively.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that all points discussed directly relate to the central argument regarding the ban on tobacco products. If bringing up related issues such as food safety, clearly connect them to the main argument to avoid tangential discussions.

Overall, while the essay presents a clear position against banning tobacco products and attempts to address the prompt, it lacks depth, coherence, and sufficient support for its arguments. To improve, the essay should provide more detailed analysis, stronger reasoning, and better organization of ideas. Additionally, ensuring all discussions remain directly relevant to the central argument will enhance the overall effectiveness of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate level of logical organization. The writer introduces the topic effectively, presenting a clear thesis statement that outlines their position on the issue. The body paragraphs are structured to discuss different aspects of the argument: the first focuses on the health implications of tobacco use, while the second explores the economic impacts of the tobacco industry. This separation of ideas helps to maintain a logical flow. However, the transition between these sections is somewhat abrupt, and the conclusion does not effectively summarize the arguments made, weakening the overall coherence.
- How to improve: To enhance the logical flow and structure, the writer could benefit from more explicit transition sentences that connect the paragraphs and sections of the essay. Additionally, a more comprehensive conclusion that summarizes the key points made throughout the essay would help to reinforce the logical organization and provide a stronger closing argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids in the overall readability and organization. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, which is a strength. However, the paragraph structure could be improved. Some paragraphs are overly long and tackle multiple ideas, which can confuse the reader and dilute the effectiveness of the arguments. There are also instances of minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing within paragraphs, which disrupt the flow of information.
- How to improve: The writer could improve paragraphing by ensuring each paragraph focuses on a single main idea, supported by relevant examples and explanations. This clarity would enhance the effectiveness of each paragraph. Additionally, reviewing and refining the language used within paragraphs for clarity and correctness would further improve the quality and readability of the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic use of cohesive devices, such as conjunctions and pronouns, to link sentences and ideas. However, the range and effectiveness of these devices are limited. Some sections of the essay rely heavily on simple conjunctions (e.g., "and", "besides", "because") without exploring more sophisticated devices that could enhance the coherence and sophistication of the argument (e.g., "therefore", "as a result", "consequently").
- How to improve: To diversify and effectively use cohesive devices, the writer should explore a wider range of linking words and phrases that not only connect sentences but also show cause-and-effect relationships, contrasts, and conclusions. Incorporating these devices would enhance the flow of the essay and make the argument more persuasive. Practicing the use of these devices in various contexts will help to improve their effective application in essays.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, covering various aspects of the topic such as health, economics, and government policies. Examples include "prohibition," "carcinogens," "revenues," and "unemployment." However, there are instances where more precise or varied vocabulary could enhance the depth of analysis and expression.
- How to improve: To enrich the vocabulary further, consider incorporating synonyms or alternative phrases for commonly used terms. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "ban," explore alternatives like "prohibition," "restriction," or "outlawing." Additionally, utilize more specialized terms related to the economic impacts of tobacco, such as "fiscal implications" or "economic ramifications."
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary appropriately, but there are some instances of imprecise or awkward phrasing. For example, "Tobacco consumption should be prohibited as it brings about numerous problems" could be more precisely stated as "Tobacco consumption should be prohibited due to its myriad health risks." Conversely, precise language is evident in phrases like "toxic substances" and "carcinogens."
- How to improve: Review each sentence for clarity and precision. Aim to express ideas concisely and accurately. Consider rephrasing ambiguous or convoluted sentences to enhance clarity. Additionally, pay attention to word choice to ensure alignment with the intended meaning.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors and typos, such as "tobaco," "deseases," "tremendons," "amout," "reseach," "underniable," and "addct." These errors detract from the overall quality of the writing and may impede reader comprehension.
- How to improve: Prioritize proofreading to identify and correct spelling errors. Utilize spelling and grammar checkers, but also manually review the essay for accuracy. Pay particular attention to commonly misspelled words and ensure consistency in spelling throughout the essay. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing online resources to improve spelling skills.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair variety of sentence structures, albeit with some repetitions. There is an attempt to use complex sentences, but they are not always executed effectively. For instance, there’s a mix of simple and compound sentences, but there’s a lack of more sophisticated structures such as conditional or passive constructions.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical range, the writer could incorporate a wider variety of sentence structures. Introducing conditional sentences, passive voice, and relative clauses could add complexity and depth to the essay. Varying the length of sentences would also improve readability and engagement.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a noticeable number of grammatical errors and punctuation mistakes throughout. These errors include subject-verb agreement issues ("the should be a prohibition"), article misuse ("the medical cause"), punctuation errors (missing commas before introductory phrases), and sentence structure problems ("most are toxic substances of which 60 are carcinogens"). Additionally, there are spelling errors ("deseases" instead of "diseases").
- How to improve: To enhance accuracy, the writer should focus on mastering basic grammar rules and punctuation conventions. Proofreading carefully and using grammar-checking tools can help identify and correct errors. Reviewing sentence structure and ensuring coherence can also improve clarity and readability. Moreover, paying attention to spelling accuracy is crucial for conveying professionalism in writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary society, tobacco smoke stands out as a major contributor to serious illnesses and premature deaths worldwide. Some argue that governments should enforce a ban on cigarettes and similar products. In my view, there should be a prohibition on these items due to the severe problems they cause.

Tobacco consumption ought to be prohibited due to the myriad of issues it brings about. For instance, smoking leads to ailments like pneumonia or lung cancer, significantly reducing smokers’ life expectancy. This is primarily because cigarette smoke contains over 4,000 substances, with the majority being toxic and around 60 classified as carcinogens, with nicotine being the most perilous. Additionally, individuals exposed to secondhand smoke, especially infants and pregnant women, suffer adverse health effects as cigarette smoke accumulates in their bloodstream over time, contributing to cardiovascular, respiratory, and other organ diseases. From a medical standpoint, a high prevalence of smokers strains the healthcare system significantly. Thus, a governmental ban on tobacco products would result in fewer instances of preventable smoking-related diseases, consequently alleviating pressure on healthcare resources.

Conversely, economically, the tobacco industry yields substantial profits. For instance, a single company like Vinataba in Vietnam generates daily revenues of nearly 53 billion VND. Not only do such companies rake in considerable profits, but they also contribute significantly to state revenue through taxes. Cigarette vendors are ubiquitous, reflecting a robust ecosystem surrounding tobacco production and consumption that provides employment for many. Enforcing a ban on tobacco products could lead to increased unemployment and a thriving black market due to the addictive nature of cigarettes and the lack of clear research on their harmful effects. Since the adverse effects of tobacco unfold over the long term and various other factors contribute to disease, such as unsafe food, implementing a ban may drive production and trafficking underground to meet the demand of addicted smokers.

In conclusion, although the undeniable harmful effects of tobacco are acknowledged, the economic benefits associated with it are substantial and impact various sectors of the nation. For these reasons, I maintain that the government should refrain from imposing a ban on the production and consumption of tobacco products.