[ CAUSES - EFFECTS] Even though governments have worked hard to bring about improvements in the healthcare system, the overall standard of physical health in developed countries is decreasing. What are the potential reasons for this, and what are some of the long-term effects?.

[ CAUSES – EFFECTS] Even though governments have worked hard to bring about improvements in the healthcare system, the overall standard of physical health in developed countries is decreasing. What are the potential reasons for this, and what are some of the long-term effects?.

One of the topical subjets these days is that governments have attempted diligently to gain advance in the healthcare system, however, the in developed countries, there is a drop in the overall standard of physical health. There are some reasons for this phenomenon, and it could have some impacts on individual as well as society.

There are some compelling reasons why the physical health in develop countries tend to decrease. The primary reason is that the pressure of morden lifestyle. Individuals in developed countries tend to continueally work to enhance income and position. Because of busy lifestyle, people would almost forget about preparing healthy and nutritious meals. In contrast, they follow unhealthy diet and purchase pre-made meals to save time, nonetheless, that would affect their health. Furthermore, as there is a heavy reliance on advanced technology. In industrialized countries, machinery and technology tend to replace people in many territories, range from manufacture goods to household chores. Individuals have living lead a sedentary lifestyle, even ignore physical activities. As a consequence, this lifestyle habit would gradually deteriorate physcical health.

Virtually, numorous effects derive from this phenomenon. The most obvious outcome is that people would be at risk of chronic illnesses. The overconsumption of ready-made meals and lack of excercises make people susceptible to physical heath problems, such as obesity, cadiovascular diseases, and it means losing the ability to earn a living. Therefore, leading to the pressure of physical health and their families. Another consequence is that lacking of quality workforce. Due to health limitations, workers can not guarantee work performance. Thus, enterprise would be stagnated because of frequent sick leaves. If this situation stretch, it would cause the collapse of businesses. As a consequence, there is a negative impact on the economy, leading to drastic long-term effects.

In conclusion, the decrease in health standards is caused by several factors and this problem might bring about serious impacts on society.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"topical subjets" -> "pertinent subjects"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling error from "subjets" to "subjects" and replacing "topical" with "pertinent" enhances the formal tone and specificity of the language.
"gain advance in the healthcare system" -> "achieve advancements in the healthcare system"
Explanation: "Gain advance" is an awkward construction; "achieve advancements" is more precise and appropriate for an academic context, accurately reflecting progress in healthcare.
"in developed countries" -> "in developed nations"
Explanation: While "countries" is not incorrect, "nations" is often preferred in formal academic writing for its slightly more formal tone.
"the pressure of morden lifestyle" -> "the pressures of modern lifestyles"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling mistake from "morden" to "modern" and using "pressures" and "lifestyles" in plural form make the phrase more accurate and reflective of varied experiences across populations.
"continueally work" -> "continually work"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling error from "continueally" to "continually" ensures proper language use.
"busy lifestyle" -> "hectic lifestyles"
Explanation: Replacing "busy lifestyle" with "hectic lifestyles" offers a more vivid description and aligns better with academic language by acknowledging the diversity of lifestyles.
"heavy reliance on advanced technology" -> "significant dependence on advanced technology"
Explanation: "Significant dependence" is a more precise and formal way to describe the extent of reliance on technology.
"range from manufacture goods to household chores" -> "ranging from manufacturing goods to performing household chores"
Explanation: "Ranging from manufacturing goods to performing household chores" corrects the grammatical structure and provides a clearer, more detailed description.
"living lead a sedentary lifestyle" -> "leading sedentary lifestyles"
Explanation: "Leading sedentary lifestyles" corrects the awkward construction and aligns better with formal academic writing by using the correct verb form and plural noun.
"physcical health" -> "physical health"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling error from "physcical" to "physical" ensures accuracy.
"Virtually" -> "Consequently"
Explanation: "Virtually" is misleading in this context. "Consequently" is more appropriate as it indicates a direct result of the previously mentioned factors.
"numorous effects" -> "numerous effects"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling error from "numorous" to "numerous" ensures proper language use.
"excercises" -> "exercises"
Explanation: Correcting the spelling error from "excercises" to "exercises" ensures proper language use.
"lacking of quality workforce" -> "lack of a quality workforce"
Explanation: "Lack of a quality workforce" corrects the grammatical structure, making the phrase more precise and appropriate for academic writing.
"enterprise would be stagnated" -> "enterprises may stagnate"
Explanation: "Enterprises may stagnate" corrects the awkward construction and tense, providing a more accurate and formal prediction.
"If this situation stretch" -> "Should this situation persist"
Explanation: "Should this situation persist" replaces the awkward and incorrect "stretch" with "persist," improving clarity and formality.
"drastic long-term effects" -> "severe long-term consequences"
Explanation: "Severe long-term consequences" is a more precise and academically appropriate phrase, enhancing the formal tone of the essay.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the different aspects of the prompt by discussing potential reasons for the decline in physical health in developed countries and outlining some of the long-term effects. It acknowledges the issue and provides some insights into the causes and consequences, albeit with some limitations.
- How to improve: To improve, ensure a more comprehensive analysis of all parts of the question. The essay could delve deeper into the specific reasons for the decline in physical health and elaborate further on the potential long-term effects, providing more detailed examples or evidence to support the arguments.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that acknowledges the decrease in physical health standards in developed countries due to modern lifestyle factors such as unhealthy diets and sedentary habits. The stance remains consistent throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, ensure that each paragraph directly supports the main argument and avoids any ambiguity in language or reasoning. Additionally, consider explicitly stating the thesis in the introduction for better coherence.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks sufficient development and support. While it mentions reasons for the decline in physical health, such as busy lifestyles and reliance on technology, these points are not extensively elaborated upon or supported with examples or evidence. Similarly, the long-term effects are briefly mentioned without thorough explanation.
- How to improve: Strengthen the essay by providing more detailed explanations, examples, or statistics to support each idea presented. Consider expanding on each reason for the decline in physical health and discussing its specific consequences in more depth.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by addressing the causes and effects of the decrease in physical health standards in developed countries. However, there are instances where the discussion could be more focused, such as providing more specific examples or elaborating further on certain points.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that each paragraph directly contributes to the central theme of the essay. Avoid tangential discussions and prioritize relevant information that directly addresses the prompt.

Overall, while the essay acknowledges the issue of declining physical health standards in developed countries and presents a clear position, it could benefit from further development of ideas, more comprehensive analysis, and improved focus to enhance coherence and effectiveness.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to present a structured argument, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, there are issues with logical organization. The introduction briefly mentions reasons for the decline in physical health without clearly stating them, making it somewhat unclear. The body paragraphs discuss reasons and effects in separate paragraphs, which is logical, but the transition between ideas is sometimes abrupt. Additionally, some ideas could be more effectively connected for smoother progression.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure that the introduction clearly outlines the main reasons for the decline in physical health. In body paragraphs, use transitional phrases to smoothly connect ideas and provide a clear flow of thought. Consider using a more structured approach, such as presenting causes followed by their effects, to improve coherence.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use paragraphs, but the structure and effectiveness are inconsistent. There is an attempt to separate the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, but paragraphing within the body paragraphs lacks consistency. Some paragraphs contain multiple ideas without clear separation, affecting readability.
- How to improve: Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and starts with a clear topic sentence. Use paragraphs to effectively separate different points or arguments, improving readability and organization. Consider breaking down longer paragraphs into shorter ones to enhance clarity and coherence.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, such as transition words like "furthermore" and "as a consequence," to connect ideas within and between sentences. However, the range and effectiveness of cohesive devices could be improved. Some connections between ideas feel abrupt or underdeveloped, impacting the overall coherence.
- How to improve: Expand the variety of cohesive devices used, including pronouns, conjunctions, and transitional phrases, to create smoother transitions between ideas. Ensure that cohesive devices are used consistently and appropriately to strengthen the coherence of the essay. Additionally, pay attention to coherence at the paragraph level by using cohesive devices to connect sentences within paragraphs effectively.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary with attempts at varied word choices. For instance, the writer uses phrases like "topical subjects," "compelling reasons," and "numorous effects," which contribute to lexical diversity. However, some expressions lack precision, such as "gain advance" instead of "make advancements," and "living lead" instead of "leading to a sedentary lifestyle."
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, strive for more precise and varied expressions throughout the essay. Replace general terms with more specific ones where possible. For instance, instead of using "reasons" repeatedly, consider employing synonyms like "factors," "causes," or "drivers." Additionally, explore synonyms and related terms to convey ideas more precisely and vividly.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to use vocabulary, but there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, "morden" instead of "modern," "numorous" instead of "numerous," and "physcical" instead of "physical." These errors hinder clarity and may detract from the overall coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve precision in vocabulary usage, proofreading for spelling errors is crucial. Additionally, consulting a dictionary or utilizing spell-checking tools can help identify and correct such errors. Moreover, reading widely and paying attention to vocabulary usage in context can aid in internalizing correct spellings and enhancing overall precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is an area that requires improvement in the essay. There are several instances of misspelled words, such as "morden" (modern), "develop" (developed), "continually" (continually), "heath" (health), "excercises" (exercises), and "numorous" (numerous). These errors affect the readability and overall impression of the essay.
- How to improve: Employing strategies such as proofreading multiple times, using spell-checking tools, and seeking feedback from peers or instructors can assist in identifying and correcting spelling errors. Additionally, practicing spelling through writing exercises and actively learning commonly misspelled words can contribute to improved spelling accuracy over time.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, it utilizes complex sentence structures to convey relationships between ideas, such as "Individuals in developed countries tend to continually work to enhance income and position" and "As a consequence, this lifestyle habit would gradually deteriorate physical health." However, there’s room for improvement in the use of more sophisticated structures like conditional sentences or passive voice constructions to add depth and complexity to the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating conditional sentences to speculate on potential outcomes or passive voice constructions to shift the focus of sentences. For example, instead of "Individuals in developed countries tend to continually work to enhance income and position," one could write "If income and position enhancement were prioritized less, individuals in developed countries might experience less pressure on their physical health."
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates competence in grammar and punctuation. However, there are several instances of grammatical errors and punctuation inaccuracies throughout the essay. For instance, there are errors in subject-verb agreement (e.g., "Individuals have living lead a sedentary lifestyle") and incorrect word choices (e.g., "continueally" instead of "continually"). Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as missing commas in compound sentences (e.g., "Individuals have living lead a sedentary lifestyle, even ignore physical activities").
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it’s crucial to review subject-verb agreement rules and ensure consistency in verb tenses throughout the essay. Proofreading for incorrect word choices and using a variety of sentence structures can also help in enhancing grammatical accuracy. Additionally, pay close attention to punctuation, especially the use of commas in compound sentences to separate independent clauses properly. Reviewing grammar guides and practicing sentence construction can aid in strengthening grammatical skills.

Bài sửa mẫu

One of the pertinent subjects of discussion revolves around the efforts made by governments to achieve advancements in the healthcare system. However, despite these endeavors, there has been a noticeable decline in the overall standard of physical health in developed nations. Understanding the potential reasons behind this trend and its long-term effects is crucial.

The pressures of modern lifestyles play a significant role in this decline. In developed countries, individuals often find themselves caught up in hectic routines, relentlessly striving to improve their income and social status. Consequently, they tend to overlook the importance of preparing healthy and nutritious meals. Instead, they opt for convenient but unhealthy dietary choices, such as pre-made meals, in a bid to save time. Moreover, the significant dependence on advanced technology exacerbates this issue. With machinery and technology replacing manual labor in various domains, ranging from manufacturing goods to performing household chores, people lead increasingly sedentary lifestyles, neglecting physical activities. Consequently, this sedentary lifestyle gradually deteriorates physical health.

Consequently, numerous effects stem from this situation. Primarily, individuals become more susceptible to chronic illnesses due to overconsumption of processed foods and lack of exercise. This puts them at risk of obesity and cardiovascular diseases, ultimately impacting their ability to work and provide for their families. Moreover, the lack of a quality workforce becomes evident as health-related limitations hinder employees’ performance, leading to frequent sick leaves and stagnation in enterprises. Should this situation persist, it could culminate in the collapse of businesses, resulting in severe long-term consequences for the economy.

In conclusion, the decline in health standards in developed countries can be attributed to various factors related to modern lifestyles and technology dependence. Addressing these issues is paramount to mitigating their adverse effects on society in the long run.