Nowadays, celebrities earn more money than politicians. What are the reasons for this? Is it a positive or negative development?

In contemporary society, there is a prevailing notion that being well-known figures could make more profit compared to policy makers. This essay would delve into the underlying causes and assert my disagreement regarding this negative tendency.

There are compelling reasons why famous people like singers or dancers are likely to seek a huge amount of fortune. Chief among these is due to the rapid rise in the demand of entertainment among individuals in today’s society, thereby creating a recreational market for people to develop. Another justifiable rationale is the diversification of income sources. This can be explained by the fact that a singer can not only earn money from her talent of singing, but also from receiving lucrative endorsement deals thanks to advertising for a label. By contrast, public servants could derived solely from their official duties while being banned from cultivating commercial connections with corporations to avoid the abuse of power

From my own perspective, the disparity between the income of celebrities and statesmen might constitute certain valid concerns. Firstly, being captivated by a high-paid job, a booming number of young people are driven towards the entertainment industry rather than pursuing legislative careers as well as other fields which challengingly require exceptional academic qualifications. As a consequence, the society could potentially be converted into a materialistic life in which money and fame are considered the most prioritized factor over legislative issues. At the same time, the workforce of lawmakers is evitable to be adversely affected, in the sense that low-paid salaries discourage talented people from enrolling in such fields. If this shortage prolongs, the effectiveness of the state systems associated with the development of a nation will be reduced

In conclusion, the disproportionate gap earning primarily stems from the diverse revenue income available to public figures and the constraints of legislators. This phenomenon poses significant threats to the job market and the development of a society(the societal advancement.)

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"being well-known figures" -> "being public figures"
Explanation: The term "well-known figures" is somewhat informal and vague. "Public figures" is more precise and academically appropriate, referring to individuals known by the public due to their roles or achievements.
"make more profit" -> "generate higher income"
Explanation: "Make more profit" is a colloquial expression. "Generate higher income" is more formal and suitable for an academic context, focusing on the process of income generation rather than the simplistic notion of profit.
"this negative tendency" -> "this perceived trend"
Explanation: The phrase "negative tendency" introduces an unnecessary value judgment that may not be appropriate in an academic analysis. "Perceived trend" is neutral and focuses on the observation rather than an emotional response.
"huge amount of fortune" -> "substantial financial gain"
Explanation: "Huge amount of fortune" is an informal and imprecise phrase. "Substantial financial gain" is more formal and accurately conveys the idea of significant economic benefit.
"due to the rapid rise" -> "attributable to the significant increase"
Explanation: "Due to the rapid rise" is somewhat informal and lacks precision. "Attributable to the significant increase" is more formal and provides a clearer connection between cause and effect.
"creating a recreational market for people to develop" -> "facilitating the development of a market for entertainment"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. The suggested revision clarifies the meaning and employs more formal language to describe the creation of an entertainment market.
"diversification of income sources" -> "diversification of revenue streams"
Explanation: "Income sources" is a bit informal and vague. "Revenue streams" is a more precise term commonly used in academic and professional contexts to discuss various sources of income.
"could derived solely" -> "could derive income solely"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and lacks clarity. The correction ensures grammatical accuracy and clarifies that the income is derived solely from specific activities.
"being captivated by a high-paid job" -> "attracted to high-paying careers"
Explanation: "Being captivated by a high-paid job" is informal and less precise. "Attracted to high-paying careers" is more formal and accurately describes the allure of financially rewarding professions.
"booming number of young people" -> "increasing number of young individuals"
Explanation: "Booming" is too informal and imprecise for academic writing. "Increasing number" is more formal and provides a clearer indication of growth.
"converted into a materialistic life" -> "shift towards materialism"
Explanation: The phrase "converted into a materialistic life" is awkward and informal. "Shift towards materialism" is more concise and academically appropriate, effectively conveying the change in societal values.
"evitable to be adversely affected" -> "inevitably adversely affected"
Explanation: "Evitable" is incorrect in this context, and the phrase is awkwardly constructed. "Inevitably adversely affected" is grammatically correct and more directly states the negative impact.
"disproportionate gap earning" -> "disproportionate earnings gap"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. "Disproportionate earnings gap" correctly orders the words to clearly describe a significant difference in income.
"the societal advancement" -> "societal advancement"
Explanation: The use of "the" before "societal advancement" is unnecessary and makes the phrase more cumbersome than needed. Removing "the" simplifies and clarifies the expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both parts of the question. It discusses the reasons behind celebrities earning more than politicians and evaluates whether this is a positive or negative development.
- How to improve: While the essay covers both aspects of the prompt, there could be more depth in the analysis. Exploring the positive and negative aspects with more detail and providing additional examples would enrich the response.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, arguing against the notion that celebrities earning more than politicians is positive.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, ensure that the position is explicitly stated in the introduction and reiterated in the conclusion. Additionally, providing stronger transitions between paragraphs can help reinforce the stance.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas adequately, providing reasons for the disparity in earnings between celebrities and politicians. However, some ideas could be developed further, and more examples could be provided to support the arguments.
- How to improve: To extend and support ideas, consider providing specific examples of celebrities and politicians and their respective incomes. Additionally, delve deeper into the societal implications of this income gap to strengthen the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic, discussing the reasons behind the income gap between celebrities and politicians and its potential consequences.
- How to improve: To ensure coherence and relevance, avoid tangential discussions and maintain a focus on the central theme of the prompt. Tightening the structure and ensuring each paragraph directly relates to the topic will enhance the essay’s effectiveness.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and maintains a coherent argument, there is room for improvement in providing deeper analysis, offering stronger support for ideas, and maintaining focus throughout. By incorporating these suggestions, the essay can enhance its clarity, depth, and overall effectiveness.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear attempt at organization, with distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction sets the stage by introducing the topic and the author’s stance. Each body paragraph presents a different reason for the income gap between celebrities and politicians, followed by a conclusion summarizing the main points. However, there are some instances where the flow of ideas could be smoother. For example, transitions between paragraphs could be improved for better coherence.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, focus on improving transitions between paragraphs. Use transition phrases or sentences to smoothly guide the reader from one idea to the next. Additionally, ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea, avoiding tangents that may disrupt the flow of thought.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs to organize its ideas, which is essential for readability and coherence. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the topic, such as reasons for the income gap or potential consequences. However, there are areas where paragraph structure could be strengthened. Some paragraphs contain multiple ideas without clear separation, making it harder for readers to follow the argument.
- How to improve: Aim for clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph, followed by supporting details and examples. Ensure that each paragraph addresses a single main idea and consider breaking longer paragraphs into shorter ones for improved clarity and focus.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay incorporates cohesive devices to connect ideas and enhance coherence. Examples include transitional phrases like "chief among these" and "in conclusion," as well as pronouns and demonstrative adjectives for reference. However, there is room for improvement in the variety and effectiveness of cohesive devices. The essay could benefit from using a wider range of cohesive devices, such as conjunctions, adverbs, and synonyms, to create smoother connections between sentences and paragraphs.
- How to improve: Experiment with different types of cohesive devices to vary sentence structures and improve coherence. Use conjunctions like "however," "moreover," and "nevertheless" to show relationships between ideas. Additionally, consider repeating key terms or using synonyms to reinforce connections between sentences and paragraphs.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable breadth of vocabulary, with a variety of terms utilized to articulate ideas. For instance, it employs terms like "prevailing notion," "recreational market," "diversification of income sources," and "materialistic life." These choices contribute to a nuanced discussion of the topic.
- How to improve: While the vocabulary usage is generally strong, incorporating more advanced or domain-specific terminology could enhance the sophistication of the argument. Additionally, paying attention to collocations and idiomatic expressions could further enrich the language.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally utilizes vocabulary with precision, but there are instances where more precise word choices could strengthen the expression of ideas. For example, instead of "valid concerns," specifying the nature of these concerns would provide clarity and depth.
- How to improve: To improve precision, strive to select words that precisely convey intended meanings. Consider employing synonyms or related terms that capture the nuances of the ideas being communicated. Additionally, avoid vague or overly general terms that may dilute the specificity of the argument.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy, with only minor errors observed throughout. Notable examples include "derived" (derived), "evitable" (inevitable), and "captivated" (captivated). While these errors do not significantly detract from comprehension, attention to spelling consistency is advisable.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider employing tools such as spell-checkers and proofreading techniques to identify and rectify errors. Additionally, reviewing commonly misspelled words and practicing spelling exercises can further solidify proficiency in this area.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, ranging from simple to complex. For instance, there is effective use of subordinate clauses ("There are compelling reasons why famous people like singers or dancers are likely to seek a huge amount of fortune") and conditional sentences ("If this shortage prolongs, the effectiveness of the state systems associated with the development of a nation will be reduced"). Additionally, there is a mix of passive and active voice constructions throughout the essay, contributing to its overall coherence and sophistication.
- How to improve: To further enhance the variety and effectiveness of sentence structures, consider integrating more complex compound sentences and incorporating rhetorical devices such as parallelism or chiasmus. Additionally, experimenting with different sentence beginnings and lengths can add flair to the writing, making it more engaging for the reader.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and punctuation. However, there are a few instances where minor errors detract from the overall clarity and precision of the writing. For example, in the sentence "As a consequence, the society could potentially be converted into a materialistic life," the use of "the society" instead of "society" is slightly awkward and could be improved for smoother readability. Additionally, there are some inconsistencies in subject-verb agreement, such as "the workforce of lawmakers is evitable," where "is" should agree with the plural subject "workforce."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it’s essential to carefully proofread the essay for subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and proper noun-verb agreement. Additionally, paying attention to articles (e.g., "a materialistic life") and sentence structure coherence can further refine the clarity and precision of the writing. Engaging in regular grammar practice and seeking feedback from peers or tutors can also aid in honing grammatical skills.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammatical range and accuracy, refining sentence structures for increased variety and addressing minor grammatical errors can elevate the clarity and sophistication of the writing, thereby enhancing its overall impact on the reader.

Bài sửa mẫu

In today’s world, there is a prevalent belief that being public figures can result in higher income compared to politicians. This essay will explore the reasons behind this perceived trend and argue against its negative implications.

There are significant reasons why celebrities such as singers or dancers tend to earn substantial financial gain. One key factor is the significant increase in demand for entertainment in modern society, which facilitates the development of a market for entertainment. Another important factor is the diversification of revenue streams. For instance, a singer can generate income not only from their talent but also from lucrative endorsement deals, such as advertising for a label. In contrast, politicians derive income solely from their official duties and are restricted from forming commercial connections to prevent abuse of power.

From my perspective, the disproportionate earnings gap between celebrities and politicians raises valid concerns. Firstly, the increasing number of young individuals attracted to high-paying careers in the entertainment industry could signify a shift towards materialism, prioritizing money and fame over other professions, including legislative roles that require exceptional academic qualifications. Consequently, society may become more materialistic, neglecting important legislative issues. Additionally, the low salaries of politicians may discourage talented individuals from pursuing careers in public service, potentially weakening state systems and hindering societal advancement.

In conclusion, the significant difference in earnings primarily arises from the diverse income opportunities available to public figures compared to the constraints faced by politicians. This phenomenon poses significant threats to the job market and societal advancement.