some people feel that the private lives of celebrities should not be openly shared by the media. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is sometimes argued that celebrities should not share their every day stories to the public’s eyes. Back to the point of my view. I am thoroughly in the same boat with this perspective. There are several reasons why I agree with publishing famous people’s lives is inappropriate. firstly it is too intrusive to them because whoever they are they still need privacy as humans do for example, some people can not relax and let their hair down owning to They cannot be who they really are when every day they have to put up a front like a robot who has no flaw just because of being afraid of being judged for what is normal to them, but extremely quirky to others. another point for this issues is it can be dangerous to the well-known people because of private details in their posted stories Such as view rooms ,how their house and where it looks like .in consequences ,their vitriolic anti-fans would find out where they inhabit to track them down and attack them if they are deliberate.

On the other hand, keeping posting famed peoples affairs is beneficial to some extent. One prime illustration for this is they can solicit for fundraising to do charity, because they are influencers and beloved, who are allegedly prestigious received belief from the masses in social media. there are some statistics proving that a dozen of undernourished children living in remote areas has been improved the way of life since more and more celebrities called for donation to fund children in poverty. And the final point is those having reputation could fight for justice, helping people been biased and speak up for the right things as well criticise wrongdoings.

In conclusion, I believe that life of influenced individuals should not be shared publicly in order to keep away from toxic people and an own privacy

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"every day stories" -> "daily stories"
Explanation: "Daily" is a more formal and concise term than "every day stories," which aligns better with academic writing.
"Back to the point of my view." -> "Returning to my perspective,"
Explanation: "Returning to my perspective," is a more formal and academically appropriate phrase than the colloquial "Back to the point of my view."
"I am thoroughly in the same boat with this perspective." -> "I am in complete agreement with this viewpoint."
Explanation: "In the same boat" is an idiom that is too informal for academic writing. "In complete agreement with this viewpoint" is formal and clear.
"firstly" -> "Firstly,"
Explanation: The beginning of a new sentence, especially when listing points, should be capitalized and followed by a comma for clarity and proper punctuation in formal writing.
"whoever they are they still need privacy as humans do for example," -> "regardless of their status, they still require privacy, as do all humans. For example,"
Explanation: This revision clarifies the sentence structure, adds necessary punctuation for clarity, and uses more formal language ("require" instead of "need").
"owning to They cannot be who they really are" -> "owing to their inability to be their authentic selves"
Explanation: "Owing to" is corrected for spelling, and the phrase is restructured for clarity and formality. "Their inability to be their authentic selves" is more precise and academically suitable than the original phrasing.
"like a robot who has no flaw" -> "as if they are flawless automatons"
Explanation: "As if they are flawless automatons" uses more formal vocabulary ("automatons" instead of "robot") and corrects the analogy to fit an academic tone.
"another point for this issues" -> "Another point regarding these issues"
Explanation: Capitalization at the beginning of the sentence is necessary, and "regarding these issues" is more formal and grammatically correct than "for this issues."
"view rooms ,how their house and where it looks like" -> "details such as the layout of their homes and their appearance"
Explanation: This revision clarifies and formalizes the description of what is being shared by celebrities, removing the awkward and unclear original phrasing.
"in consequences ," -> "Consequently,"
Explanation: "Consequently" is the correct transitional word to use in formal writing, and it should be capitalized and followed by a comma when beginning a sentence.
"vitriolic anti-fans" -> "malicious detractors"
Explanation: "Malicious detractors" is a more formal and precise term than "vitriolic anti-fans," which sounds informal and vague.
"keeping posting famed peoples affairs" -> "continuing to post about the affairs of famous individuals"
Explanation: The revised phrase is more formal and clearly conveys the intended meaning without the awkward original construction.
"solicit for fundraising to do charity," -> "solicit funds for charitable activities,"
Explanation: "Solicit funds for charitable activities" is a more precise and formal way of expressing the idea of raising money for charity.
"beloved, who are allegedly prestigious received belief from" -> "esteemed and thus believed by"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. "Esteemed and thus believed by" simplifies and clarifies the relationship between being beloved, prestigious, and trusted.
"a dozen of undernourished children" -> "numerous undernourished children"
Explanation: "Numerous" is a more appropriate term for an unspecified large number, avoiding the specificity implied by "a dozen," which is informal and likely inaccurate.
"life of influenced individuals" -> "lives of influential individuals"
Explanation: "Lives of influential individuals" corrects the grammatical error ("life" to "lives") and uses the correct adjective ("influential" instead of "influenced") for clarity and formality.
"keep away from toxic people and an own privacy" -> "avoid toxic individuals and preserve their privacy"
Explanation: "Avoid toxic individuals and preserve their privacy" is more direct, formal, and clear than the original phrasing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both sides of the argument, acknowledging reasons for and against sharing celebrities’ private lives with the public. It recognizes the need for privacy for celebrities while also mentioning potential benefits of sharing their lives.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, ensure that each point is developed with more depth and clarity. Provide specific examples or evidence to support arguments, making the discussion more comprehensive.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear stance that agrees with the idea that celebrities’ private lives should not be shared by the media. This position is maintained consistently throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To further strengthen the clarity of the position, consider explicitly stating the stance in the introduction and conclusion, reinforcing it with stronger language throughout the body paragraphs.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks thorough development and support. For example, it briefly mentions the intrusion into celebrities’ privacy and potential dangers but does not elaborate or provide examples. The points about soliciting fundraising and fighting for justice are mentioned but not sufficiently expanded upon or supported with evidence.
- How to improve: Extend each idea by providing more detailed explanations, examples, or anecdotes. Support arguments with relevant evidence, such as specific instances of celebrities facing privacy invasion or successful fundraising campaigns initiated by celebrities.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by discussing the sharing of celebrities’ private lives by the media and its implications. However, there are moments of tangential discussion, such as mentioning undernourished children and fundraising, which could be more directly related to the main topic.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that all points directly relate to the topic of whether celebrities’ private lives should be openly shared by the media. Avoid introducing unrelated examples or ideas that distract from the main argument.

Overall, while the essay effectively presents a clear position and touches on relevant points, it would benefit from deeper analysis, more extensive support for arguments, and tighter focus on the main topic. Strengthening these aspects would enhance the coherence and persuasiveness of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a moderate level of logical organization. It begins with an introduction that presents the writer’s stance, followed by two body paragraphs presenting reasons for and against sharing celebrities’ private lives. However, the transition between these paragraphs could be smoother to enhance coherence.
- How to improve: To improve logical organization, consider restructuring the essay to ensure a clear progression of ideas. Use transitional phrases or sentences to connect paragraphs more effectively. For instance, a clearer transition from discussing the negative aspects to the positive aspects of sharing celebrities’ lives would enhance coherence.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs adequately, with distinct sections for the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, the organization within paragraphs could be strengthened. Some sentences within paragraphs lack cohesion with the main idea, causing minor disruptions in readability.
- How to improve: Focus on maintaining coherence within each paragraph by ensuring that every sentence supports the central theme of the paragraph. Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that previews the main idea. Additionally, use transition words or phrases to smoothly connect sentences and maintain a cohesive flow of thought.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited use of cohesive devices. While some cohesive devices such as pronouns ("they," "their") and conjunctions ("but," "on the other hand") are used, their effectiveness is hindered by grammatical errors and inconsistencies.
- How to improve: Enhance the variety and effectiveness of cohesive devices by incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases (e.g., "furthermore," "however," "in addition"). Ensure grammatical accuracy and consistency in the use of cohesive devices to improve coherence. Additionally, pay attention to referencing pronouns to avoid ambiguity and maintain clarity in the essay’s structure.

Overall, to improve coherence and cohesion, focus on enhancing the logical organization of ideas, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying the use of cohesive devices. Practice incorporating these elements effectively to elevate the clarity and coherence of your essays.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 5

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary with varied word choices throughout. For instance, the essay employs diverse vocabulary such as "intrusive," "quirky," "vitriolic," "influencers," and "prestigious," showcasing the author’s ability to utilize a wide lexicon.
- How to improve: To further enhance the lexical resource, the author could incorporate more sophisticated vocabulary and idiomatic expressions where appropriate. Additionally, paying attention to the nuances of word usage and employing synonyms effectively can elevate the lexical richness of the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay generally uses vocabulary effectively, there are instances where word choice could be more precise. For example, the phrase "solicit for fundraising" could be refined to "solicit donations for fundraising," and "been biased" might be clearer as "faced bias." These nuances can enhance the clarity and precision of the author’s expression.
- How to improve: To improve precision, it is advisable for the author to carefully consider the context in which words are used and ensure that they accurately convey the intended meaning. Consulting a thesaurus or utilizing vocabulary in various contexts through reading can aid in developing a more precise vocabulary.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits some spelling errors, such as "inhabit" instead of "inhibit" and "vitriolic" instead of "vitriolically." While these errors do not significantly impede comprehension, they detract from the overall professionalism and clarity of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, it is recommended that the author proofreads their work carefully before submission, paying close attention to common spelling pitfalls. Additionally, utilizing spell-check tools and seeking feedback from peers or instructors can help in identifying and rectifying spelling errors more effectively.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. However, there is room for improvement in the variety and complexity of structures. For example, there is a tendency to use simple sentences, which can make the writing seem repetitive and less engaging.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, try incorporating more complex sentences with subordinate clauses and varied sentence beginnings. This can help to create a more sophisticated and interesting writing style.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay shows a reasonable level of grammatical accuracy, but there are some errors throughout the text. For instance, there are issues with subject-verb agreement (e.g., "some people can not relax") and punctuation (e.g., missing commas).
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it’s important to review the rules of English grammar and punctuation. Pay particular attention to common mistakes, such as subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and proper comma usage. Additionally, proofreading your work carefully can help to identify and correct errors before submission.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument. However, to improve your score further, focus on diversifying your sentence structures and improving your grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is often argued that the private lives of celebrities should not be openly shared by the media. Returning to my perspective, I am in complete agreement with this viewpoint. Firstly, regardless of their status, they still require privacy, as do all humans. For example, owing to their inability to be their authentic selves, they may feel compelled to present themselves as flawless automatons, fearing judgment for what is normal to them but may seem quirky to others. Another point regarding these issues is that sharing details such as the layout of their homes and their appearance can lead to potential dangers. Consequently, malicious detractors may use this information to track them down and potentially harm them.

On the other hand, continuing to post about the affairs of famous individuals can be beneficial to some extent. One prime illustration of this is their ability to solicit funds for charitable activities, leveraging their influence and esteemed status. This is believed by many, leading to increased support and donations. There are numerous undernourished children whose lives have been improved due to the efforts of celebrities calling for donations to aid those in poverty-stricken areas. Additionally, influential individuals can use their platform to fight for justice, advocating for marginalized communities and speaking out against wrongdoing.

In conclusion, I firmly believe that the lives of influential individuals should not be shared publicly in order to avoid toxic individuals and preserve their privacy.