Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? All students should be required to study art and music in secondary school.

In contemporary times, it is widely believed that learning art and music needs to be enforced, especially for secondary students. From my perspective, I wholly concur with the assertion and will thoroughly delve into this issue in the following essay.

To commence, learning art and music helps teenagers develop their brains comprehensively. While art facilitates conducive conditions for students to stimulate their imagination and curiosity and foster creativity, music contributes to releasing emotions and developing empathy. Both music and art play a crucial role as a special language, assisting students to convey messages and emotions that they cannot illustrate with words. To cite an example, some studies have shown that teenagers will be more intelligent than others of the same age group if they approach art and music soon, which exerts profound impacts on their perception, thinking, and concentration.

Another compelling rationale to support the notion is that, in addition to compulsory subjects, art and music lessons create favorable conditions for teenagers to unwind and release stress. It is evident that academic subjects such as math, science, and geography necessitate a high level of concentration and critical thinking skills, putting heavy pressure on students and making them feel demotivated and fatigued. Conversely, music and art are entertaining activities, providing a sense of relaxation. They not only give students the opportunity to unwind but also help them enhance their learning performance and concentration. It, therefore, demonstrates that art and music are paramount parts of the curriculum.

In conclusion, I firmly believe that it is imperative to add music and art lessons to the secondary curriculum. Besides, parents and schools should encourage and ensure that their offspring participate in these activities.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"In contemporary times" -> "In the contemporary era"
Explanation: "In the contemporary era" offers a more formal and precise temporal reference, enhancing the academic tone of the introduction.
"needs to be enforced" -> "should be mandated"
Explanation: "Should be mandated" is more precise and formal, fitting the context of educational policy discussion better than "needs to be enforced."
"wholly concur" -> "completely agree"
Explanation: Although "wholly concur" is not incorrect, "completely agree" is more commonly used in academic writing, making the sentence flow more naturally while maintaining formality.
"thoroughly delve into" -> "comprehensively examine"
Explanation: "Comprehensively examine" is more academically appropriate, indicating a detailed and thorough analysis without the informal connotation of "delve into."
"helps teenagers develop their brains comprehensively" -> "aids in the comprehensive development of adolescents’ cognitive abilities"
Explanation: The revised phrase is more specific and academically precise, focusing on cognitive abilities rather than the colloquial "develop their brains."
"facilitates conducive conditions" -> "creates a conducive environment"
Explanation: "Creates a conducive environment" is a clearer and more direct way of expressing the idea, improving academic tone.
"releasing emotions" -> "the expression of emotions"
Explanation: "The expression of emotions" is more formal and fits the academic style better than the more casual "releasing emotions."
"play a crucial role as a special language" -> "serve a pivotal role as a unique form of communication"
Explanation: "Serve a pivotal role as a unique form of communication" is more precise and academically formal, enhancing the description of art and music’s importance.
"will be more intelligent than others" -> "may exhibit enhanced cognitive abilities compared to their peers"
Explanation: The revised phrase is more specific and avoids the oversimplification of intelligence, aligning better with academic standards.
"exerts profound impacts" -> "has profound impacts"
Explanation: Simplifying "exerts profound impacts" to "has profound impacts" maintains the intended meaning while making the sentence more concise and academically appropriate.
"compelling rationale" -> "compelling argument"
Explanation: "Compelling argument" is a more common academic term for making a persuasive case, fitting the context better than "rationale."
"create favorable conditions" -> "provide a conducive environment"
Explanation: "Provide a conducive environment" is more formal and precise, improving the academic tone of the argument.
"entertaining activities" -> "engaging activities"
Explanation: "Engaging activities" is more academically appropriate, as it implies active participation and interest without the informal connotation of "entertaining."
"paramount parts of the curriculum" -> "integral components of the curriculum"
Explanation: "Integral components of the curriculum" is more formal and accurately conveys the essential role of art and music in education.
"it is imperative" -> "it is essential"
Explanation: "It is essential" is a more commonly used academic phrase to express necessity, enhancing the formality of the conclusion.
"offspring" -> "children"
Explanation: In the context of discussing parents and schools, "children" is more appropriate and less formal than "offspring," which is typically used for animals or in a biological context.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all aspects of the prompt by discussing the benefits of studying art and music in secondary school. It explores how art and music contribute to brain development, emotional expression, and stress relief, aligning with the prompt’s focus on whether all students should be required to study these subjects.
- How to improve: While the essay covers the main points well, providing specific examples or citing research studies could enhance the depth of analysis. Additionally, discussing potential counterarguments and addressing them would further strengthen the response.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, firmly supporting the idea that all students should be required to study art and music in secondary school. The thesis statement clearly states the writer’s agreement with this position, and each paragraph reinforces this stance.
- How to improve: To further enhance clarity, ensuring that each paragraph directly relates to the thesis statement and avoiding tangential discussions would be beneficial. Additionally, emphasizing the central argument in the conclusion can reinforce the essay’s stance.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents and supports ideas effectively, providing explanations and examples to illustrate the benefits of studying art and music. It elaborates on how these subjects contribute to brain development, emotional expression, and stress relief, demonstrating a good understanding of the topic.
- How to improve: To extend ideas further, integrating more varied examples or perspectives could enrich the discussion. Additionally, citing specific studies or research findings to support claims would add credibility to the arguments presented.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic by focusing on the importance of studying art and music in secondary school. It does not deviate into unrelated discussions and maintains relevance to the prompt throughout.
- How to improve: To ensure complete alignment with the topic, explicitly linking each supporting point back to the central argument would reinforce coherence and relevance. Additionally, avoiding repetition of ideas could help maintain focus and clarity.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and presents a coherent argument supporting the requirement for studying art and music in secondary school, further development of ideas through specific examples, incorporation of counterarguments, and tighter thematic cohesion could enhance the overall quality of the response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively organizes information with a clear introduction, body paragraphs discussing different aspects of the topic, and a concise conclusion. The introduction sets the stage by stating the author’s stance clearly, followed by body paragraphs that elaborate on two main reasons supporting the argument. Each paragraph stays focused on a single idea, enhancing coherence. Transitions between ideas and paragraphs are smooth, aiding the logical flow of the essay.
- How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, consider incorporating more nuanced transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph maintains a clear central idea will strengthen coherence.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively utilizes paragraphs to structure its content. Each paragraph addresses a distinct point, contributing to clarity and organization. The introduction presents the thesis statement, followed by body paragraphs discussing separate reasons supporting the argument. Each paragraph maintains coherence by elaborating on a specific aspect without digression.
- How to improve: While the paragraph structure is generally sound, ensuring consistency in paragraph length could enhance the essay’s visual appeal and readability. Additionally, incorporating topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph would provide clearer guidance to the reader about the focus of each section.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas and ensure coherence. Examples include transitional phrases such as "To commence," "Another compelling rationale," and "In conclusion." These phrases signal shifts between different parts of the essay, aiding in maintaining a smooth flow of thought. Additionally, cohesive devices like pronouns ("it," "they") and demonstrative adjectives ("this") help link concepts across sentences and paragraphs.
- How to improve: While the essay effectively utilizes cohesive devices, incorporating a wider range of connectors and discourse markers could further enhance cohesion. For instance, employing connectors such as "furthermore," "moreover," or "however" can add variety and sophistication to the essay’s structure. Additionally, using cohesive devices more strategically within sentences to emphasize relationships between ideas would strengthen coherence.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion principles, refining the use of transitional devices and ensuring consistency in paragraph structure can elevate the clarity and coherence of the writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, with the use of varied and sophisticated words and phrases such as "contemporary times," "enforced," "wholly concur," "stimulate," "conducive conditions," "profound impacts," "favorable conditions," "unwind," "paramount," and "offspring." These lexical choices enhance the clarity and depth of the writer’s arguments.
- How to improve: To further enrich the vocabulary, consider incorporating more specialized or domain-specific terminology related to education, psychology, or art and music theory. Additionally, be cautious not to overuse certain words or phrases, as this can affect the overall lexical variety.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with precision, effectively conveying the intended meanings. For instance, the phrase "special language" accurately describes the communicative aspect of art and music, and "unwind" effectively captures the idea of relaxation.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, aim to use vocabulary that precisely captures the nuances of your ideas. Avoid overly general or vague terms that may weaken the clarity of your arguments. Consider using more specific adjectives, adverbs, and descriptive phrases to paint a vivid picture for the reader.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a high level of spelling accuracy, with no noticeable spelling errors detracting from the overall quality of the writing.
- How to improve: To maintain this level of accuracy, continue to proofread your work carefully before submitting it. Consider using spelling and grammar checking tools to identify and correct any potential errors.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a strong command of vocabulary, with a wide range of words and phrases used effectively to convey ideas. To further enhance the lexical resource, strive for even greater variety and precision in word choice while maintaining the current level of spelling accuracy. Overall, the essay is well-written and effectively communicates the writer’s perspective on the topic.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a commendable range of sentence structures. It employs varied sentence types, including compound sentences ("While art facilitates conducive conditions… and foster creativity"), complex sentences ("To cite an example, some studies have shown…"), and compound-complex sentences ("It is evident that academic subjects… making them feel demotivated and fatigued"). Additionally, the writer effectively incorporates transitions and cohesive devices to connect ideas smoothly.
- How to improve: To further enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider integrating rhetorical questions, parallelism, and occasional use of inversion for emphasis. Introducing occasional use of appositives or participial phrases can also enrich sentence structure diversity. Moreover, ensure that the complexity of sentences aligns with the clarity of expression to avoid convoluted structures.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and punctuation. There are no major grammatical errors, and sentence structures are generally well-constructed. However, a few minor issues such as article misuse ("It, therefore, demonstrates…") and inconsistent verb tense usage ("From my perspective, I wholly concur…"; "Another compelling rationale to support the notion is…") slightly detract from the overall accuracy.
- How to improve: To address article misuse, pay closer attention to article-noun agreement, ensuring that articles (such as "a," "an," or "the") are appropriately used based on noun countability and specificity. Regarding verb tense consistency, maintain consistency within paragraphs to avoid confusing the reader. Proofreading for such errors before submission can significantly enhance the essay’s grammatical accuracy.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates proficiency in grammatical range and accuracy, attention to finer details such as article usage and verb tense consistency can further elevate the quality of writing. Keep practicing diverse sentence structures and meticulous proofreading to refine language skills and achieve even greater fluency and precision in academic writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the contemporary era, it should be mandated that all students engage in studying art and music during their secondary school years. I completely agree with this assertion and will now gently refine this essay, focusing on grammatical errors and clarity of expression.

To commence, learning art and music helps teenagers develop their brains comprehensively. While art facilitates conducive conditions for students to stimulate their imagination and curiosity and foster creativity, music contributes to releasing emotions and developing empathy. Both music and art serve a pivotal role as a unique form of communication, aiding in the comprehensive development of adolescents’ cognitive abilities. To cite an example, some studies have shown that teenagers who engage with art and music may exhibit enhanced cognitive abilities compared to their peers of the same age group, which has profound impacts on their perception, thinking, and concentration.

Another compelling argument supporting this notion is that, in addition to compulsory subjects, art and music lessons create a conducive environment for teenagers to unwind and release stress. It is essential to note that academic subjects such as math, science, and geography necessitate a high level of concentration and critical thinking skills, putting heavy pressure on students and making them feel demotivated and fatigued. Conversely, music and art provide a conducive environment for engaging activities, which not only give students the opportunity to unwind but also help them enhance their learning performance and concentration. Therefore, it is essential to recognize art and music as integral components of the curriculum.

In conclusion, it is essential to add music and art lessons to the secondary curriculum. Besides, parents and schools should encourage and ensure that their children participate in these activities.