Leaders and directors in organizations are older people. Some people say that younger leaders would be better. Do you agree or disagree?
Leaders and directors in organizations are older people. Some people say that younger leaders would be better. Do you agree or disagree?
Nowadays, There are more young leaders in organizations than old people have the same positions and many people believe that immature directors do better than elder people. A fact that I agree with their opinion because young workforce working as leaders will bring more efficiency.
To begin with, the rising generation have more dynamic than older people in different major such as: work, entertainment, give a decision,… For example, young managers take participant in many programme and have perfect performance that make a good impression in the heart of customers. Apart from that, youngsters directors are more likely to update new trend and adapt more quickly than older people. Truth, most customers are about young age like to have new trend, new style and new awareness so leaders have to updates and quickly to access if they want to maintain and increase the customers. Beside that, younger leaders have a good heath and much time for work, They always find new way to improve and boost their facility of work. Likewise, young management force will have a multi-dimensional view on a problem and quicly to have a good decision.
In contrast, some young leaders do as not well as older people. In the majority of cases, young leaders do not have enough experience and skills to solve the complex problems. Next, they often have strong ways because of the quickly process.
Conclusion, young people may be work for management better than older and they can do somethings which is older people can not work in enourmous of subject.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
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"Nowadays, There are" -> "Currently, there are"
Explanation: "Currently" is a more formal alternative to "Nowadays," and the capitalization of "There" after a comma is incorrect. -
"old people have the same positions" -> "older individuals hold similar positions"
Explanation: "Old people" can be seen as informal and potentially disrespectful; "older individuals" is more formal and respectful. Additionally, "hold similar positions" is more precise than "have the same positions." -
"immature directors" -> "less experienced leaders"
Explanation: "Immature" can carry a negative connotation and may not accurately represent younger leaders’ capabilities. "Less experienced leaders" is a more neutral and accurate description. -
"elder people" -> "older individuals"
Explanation: "Elder people" is less formal and can be seen as less respectful. "Older individuals" is more formal and neutral. -
"young workforce working as leaders will bring more efficiency" -> "a younger leadership workforce can enhance efficiency"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly constructed and informal. The suggested alternative is more concise and maintains a formal tone. -
"the rising generation have more dynamic" -> "the emerging generation possesses greater dynamism"
Explanation: "Have more dynamic" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "Possesses greater dynamism" is grammatically correct and more formally expresses the idea of energy and innovation. -
"in different major such as: work, entertainment, give a decision,…" -> "across various domains, including work, entertainment, and decision-making,"
Explanation: "In different major" is unclear and grammatically incorrect. The suggested revision clarifies and formalizes the statement. -
"take participant in many programme" -> "participate in numerous programs"
Explanation: "Take participant" is incorrect. "Participate in numerous programs" is grammatically correct and more formal. -
"make a good impression in the heart of customers" -> "create a positive impression among customers"
Explanation: "In the heart of customers" is overly emotional and informal for academic writing. "Among customers" is more appropriate and maintains a formal tone. -
"youngsters directors" -> "younger directors"
Explanation: "Youngsters directors" is grammatically incorrect and informal. "Younger directors" is correct and more formal. -
"Truth, most customers are about young age like to have new trend" -> "Indeed, many customers, who are of a younger age, prefer new trends"
Explanation: "Truth" is an informal transition that doesn’t fit the academic style. "Indeed" is more formal. Also, the original sentence structure was awkward and unclear. -
"leaders have to updates and quickly to access" -> "leaders must update and swiftly adapt"
Explanation: "Have to updates and quickly to access" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "Must update and swiftly adapt" is grammatically correct and more precise. -
"good heath" -> "good health"
Explanation: "Heath" is a typographical error. The correct term is "health." -
"much time for work" -> "more time for work"
Explanation: "Much time" is less specific and slightly informal in this context. "More time" is clearer and more appropriate. -
"quicly to have a good decision" -> "quickly make sound decisions"
Explanation: "Quicly to have a good decision" is awkward and grammatically incorrect. "Quickly make sound decisions" is grammatically correct and more formal. -
"do as not well as" -> "do not perform as well as"
Explanation: "Do as not well as" is awkward and incorrect. "Do not perform as well as" is clear and maintains a formal tone. -
"strong ways because of the quickly process" -> "aggressive approaches due to rapid processes"
Explanation: "Strong ways because of the quickly process" is unclear and informal. "Aggressive approaches due to rapid processes" is clearer and more formal. -
"Conclusion, young people may be work for management better than older" -> "In conclusion, younger individuals may perform better in management roles than their older counterparts"
Explanation: The original sentence is awkward and grammatically incorrect. The suggested revision is more formal, clear, and grammatically correct. -
"somethings which is older people can not work in enourmous of subject." -> "tasks that older individuals may not be able to undertake across a broad range of subjects."
Explanation: The original sentence is unclear, grammatically incorrect, and informal. The suggested revision clarifies the meaning and employs a more formal academic tone.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Task Response: 5
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address all parts of the question by presenting arguments both for and against the idea that younger leaders would be better than older ones. It acknowledges the viewpoint that younger leaders might bring more efficiency.
- How to improve: While the essay acknowledges both sides of the argument, it could provide a more balanced exploration of the opposing viewpoint before concluding. Additionally, clearer articulation of the specific parts of the question being addressed would strengthen the response.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position supporting the notion that younger leaders would be better, emphasizing their dynamism, adaptability, and multi-dimensional view on problems.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, it would be beneficial to explicitly state the position in the introduction and ensure consistency in supporting arguments throughout the essay.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to present and support ideas, providing examples such as young managers participating in programs, adapting quickly to new trends, and having a multi-dimensional view on problems.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay could elaborate more on these examples, providing specific instances or data to further substantiate the claims made.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by discussing the advantages of younger leaders over older ones in organizations.
- How to improve: While the essay maintains relevance to the topic, some sections could be more focused and directly related to the prompt, avoiding tangential discussions.
Overall, while the essay effectively argues for the advantages of younger leaders, it could benefit from a more balanced exploration of opposing viewpoints, clearer articulation of the thesis, stronger support for arguments through detailed examples, and increased focus on directly addressing the prompt.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a basic level of logical organization. It introduces the topic in the introduction, presents arguments in the body paragraphs, and concludes with a summary. However, the flow of ideas is somewhat disjointed, with abrupt transitions between points. For instance, the sudden shift from discussing the advantages of young leaders to the disadvantages lacks smooth transition.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure that each paragraph builds upon the previous one, maintaining a clear and coherent progression of ideas. Utilize transitional phrases or sentences to connect different points seamlessly. Consider a more structured approach to presenting arguments, such as introducing each advantage or disadvantage in separate paragraphs.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use paragraphs but struggles with coherence within them. Each paragraph addresses a distinct point, but the lack of topic sentences or clear transitions between ideas results in a disjointed flow. Additionally, some paragraphs contain multiple ideas without clear delineation.
- How to improve: Focus on structuring paragraphs around a central idea or argument. Begin each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main point, followed by supporting details or examples. Ensure a smooth transition between paragraphs to maintain coherence and facilitate the reader’s understanding.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a limited range of cohesive devices, primarily relying on basic conjunctions such as "but" and "so." While some attempts are made to connect ideas, the lack of variety and sophistication in cohesive devices hinders the overall coherence of the essay. Additionally, transitions between sentences and paragraphs are often abrupt.
- How to improve: Expand the repertoire of cohesive devices to include a variety of conjunctions, transitional phrases, and linking words. Use cohesive devices strategically to establish logical relationships between ideas, such as cause and effect, comparison, and contrast. Incorporate smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs to improve the overall flow of the essay.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates some coherence and cohesion in organizing ideas, there is room for improvement in enhancing logical structure, paragraphing, and the use of cohesive devices. By refining these aspects, the essay can achieve greater clarity and coherence, thereby enhancing the reader’s comprehension and engagement.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 5
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some attempts at using varied expressions and terminology. However, there are instances of repetition and imprecise word choice that hinder the overall effectiveness of lexical resource. For example, phrases like "young leaders," "older people," and "young workforce" are frequently repeated, lacking diversity in vocabulary. Additionally, phrases such as "perfect performance," "good heath," and "strong ways" could be further elaborated with more nuanced vocabulary choices.
- How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider array of vocabulary, including synonyms and more specific terms where applicable. This could involve utilizing a thesaurus to explore alternative expressions for commonly used words. Additionally, focusing on contextually appropriate vocabulary and avoiding repetition will contribute to a more sophisticated language use.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally employs vocabulary precisely, but there are instances of imprecise usage that weaken the clarity and effectiveness of expression. For instance, phrases like "take participant," "perfect performance," and "strong ways" lack precision and could be replaced with more accurate terms. Furthermore, there are moments where the intended meaning may be unclear due to ambiguous word choices.
- How to improve: To improve precision in vocabulary usage, the writer should strive for clarity and specificity in their expressions. This involves selecting words that accurately convey the intended meaning and avoiding vague or ambiguous terms. Revising sentences to ensure each word contributes to the clarity and coherence of the message will enhance the overall precision of vocabulary usage.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits several spelling errors throughout the text, which detract from the overall coherence and professionalism of the writing. Examples include "imature" instead of "immature," "heath" instead of "health," and "enourmous" instead of "enormous." These errors indicate a need for improvement in spelling accuracy.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should employ strategies such as proofreading carefully, utilizing spell-checking tools, and practicing spelling exercises regularly. Additionally, paying attention to commonly misspelled words and seeking feedback from peers or educators can aid in identifying and correcting errors more effectively. By prioritizing accuracy in spelling, the writer can elevate the quality of their written communication.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates some strengths in vocabulary usage, there is room for improvement in terms of range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By incorporating diverse vocabulary, using words precisely, and ensuring correct spelling, the writer can enhance the lexical resource and elevate the quality of their essay.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5
- Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of sentence structures, including simple and compound sentences. However, there is a lack of complex structures such as subordinate clauses or conditional sentences, which could enhance the sophistication of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve, consider incorporating a variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound-complex sentences. This can be achieved by introducing subordinate clauses, using different types of conjunctions, and varying sentence lengths to create a smoother flow and add depth to the argument.
- Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits several grammatical errors and inconsistencies throughout. For instance, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("There are more young leaders… than old people have the same positions"), incorrect verb tense usage ("young workforce working as leaders will bring more efficiency"), and punctuation errors (missing commas, misuse of ellipsis).
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, pay closer attention to subject-verb agreement and verb tense consistency. Proofreading the essay thoroughly can help identify and correct punctuation errors. Additionally, consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-checking tools to improve accuracy.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, there is room for improvement in both grammatical accuracy and punctuation. By incorporating a wider range of sentence structures and addressing grammatical errors, the essay could achieve a higher band score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy.
Bài sửa mẫu
Nowadays, there is a growing trend towards younger individuals occupying leadership roles within organizations, challenging the traditional notion of older individuals holding similar positions. Many argue that younger leaders may outperform their older counterparts, a view with which I concur, as I believe that a younger leadership workforce can enhance efficiency.
Firstly, the emerging generation possesses greater dynamism across various domains, including work, entertainment, and decision-making. For instance, younger managers actively participate in numerous programs and consistently deliver performances that create a positive impression among customers. Furthermore, younger directors are more adept at staying updated with new trends and swiftly adapting to changes. Indeed, many customers, who are of a younger age, prefer new trends, thereby necessitating that leaders must update and swiftly adapt to meet their evolving preferences. Additionally, younger leaders typically enjoy good health and have more time for work, enabling them to quickly make sound decisions and continually improve their work capabilities.
However, it is important to acknowledge that some young leaders may not perform as well as their older counterparts. In many cases, this is due to their lack of experience and skills in solving complex problems. Moreover, they may adopt aggressive approaches due to the rapid processes they encounter.
In conclusion, younger individuals may perform better in management roles than their older counterparts, as they possess the dynamism and adaptability required to excel across various domains. While there are tasks that older individuals may not be able to undertake, the emerging generation demonstrates potential in handling a broad range of subjects.
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