The bar chart shows the information of the number of volunteers and paid workers in 4 different roles in the sports sector of an Australian town in 2015.

The bar chart demonstrates the number of volunteers and paid workers in 4 different roles in the sports sector of an Australian town in 2015
In general, while the percentage of paid in coaching,therapists and other sections are lower than the number of volunteers,the percentage of salary in referees is higher than the number of volunteers
in therapists, the percentage of volunteers was 45% lower than other sections 13%.But the chart in therapists role is more balance because of the amount of salary just decreased 5%,while the paid of other sections decreased 10%.In coaching role, there was a significant increased of the number of volunteers. It is higher than therapists 30% and other sections 12%.However the percentage of paid is only half as volunteers.The last once is referees role. It has a little different because the amount of paid is higher than the amount of volunteers nearly 10%

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"while the percentage of paid in coaching,therapists and other sections are lower than the number of volunteers" -> "while the proportion of paid individuals in coaching, therapy, and other sectors is lower than that of volunteers"
Explanation: Using "proportion" instead of "percentage" is more precise in this context. Additionally, specifying "individuals" after "paid" enhances clarity, and listing the roles separately with proper punctuation improves readability.
"the percentage of salary in referees is higher than the number of volunteers" -> "the proportion of salaries for referees exceeds that of volunteers"
Explanation: Using "proportion" instead of "percentage" is more suitable for comparing relative amounts. Replacing "salary" with "salaries" corrects the grammatical error, and rephrasing "higher than the number of volunteers" to "exceeds that of volunteers" clarifies the comparison.
"in therapists, the percentage of volunteers was 45% lower than other sections 13%" -> "In therapy roles, the proportion of volunteers was 45% lower than that of other sectors at 13%"
Explanation: Clarifying the subject with "therapy roles" instead of "therapists" avoids confusion. The phrase "other sections 13%" should be rephrased as "other sectors at 13%" for clarity and parallelism.
"But the chart in therapists role is more balance" -> "However, the chart for therapy roles is more balanced"
Explanation: Correcting "more balance" to "more balanced" ensures proper adjective form. Using "therapy roles" instead of "therapists role" is more appropriate for clarity and consistency.
"because of the amount of salary just decreased 5%" -> "due to a mere 5% decrease in salaries"
Explanation: Replacing "amount of salary" with "salaries" improves specificity. Using "mere" adds nuance to the decrease, and rephrasing "just decreased" to "a mere 5% decrease" enhances clarity and formal tone.
"there was a significant increased of the number of volunteers" -> "there was a significant increase in the number of volunteers"
Explanation: Correcting "increased" to "increase" maintains grammatical accuracy. Adding "in the number of volunteers" clarifies the subject of the increase.
"It is higher than therapists 30%" -> "It exceeds therapy roles by 30%"
Explanation: Using "exceeds" instead of "higher than" enhances precision and formal tone. Replacing "therapists" with "therapy roles" maintains consistency and clarity.
"However the percentage of paid is only half as volunteers" -> "However, the proportion of paid workers is only half that of volunteers"
Explanation: Correcting "is only half as volunteers" to "is only half that of volunteers" ensures proper comparison. Replacing "percentage" with "proportion" enhances precision.
"The last once is referees role" -> "Lastly, the referees’ role"
Explanation: Using "lastly" improves transition and readability. Correcting "once" to "is" ensures grammatical accuracy. Placing "referees’ role" before the description enhances clarity.
"It has a little different" -> "It exhibits a slight difference"
Explanation: Replacing "has a little different" with "exhibits a slight difference" improves clarity and formal tone.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay attempts to address the task by providing an overview of the data presented in the bar chart regarding the number of volunteers and paid workers in various roles within the sports sector of an Australian town in 2015. It recounts the details of the chart, mentioning the percentages of volunteers and paid workers in each role, albeit with some inaccuracies and unclear expressions.

How to improve:
To improve the score, the essay should focus on presenting a clearer overview of the main trends and differences depicted in the chart. It should avoid inaccuracies in the descriptions and ensure that the information provided is relevant and appropriately selected. Additionally, the essay could benefit from a more structured and coherent presentation of the data, with clearer explanations of the comparisons between volunteer and paid worker percentages in each role.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 3

Band Score: 3.0

Explanation: The essay lacks coherence and cohesion in several key areas. There is a lack of logical organization, making it difficult for the reader to follow the information presented. Sentences are often disjointed, with abrupt transitions between ideas. Cohesive devices are used minimally and inaccurately, failing to establish clear relationships between ideas. Additionally, there are issues with sentence structure and grammar, which further hinder understanding.

How to improve: To improve coherence and cohesion, focus on organizing the essay in a clear and logical manner. Begin by introducing the main idea and then develop supporting points in a structured manner, using appropriate transitions to guide the reader from one idea to the next. Utilize a variety of cohesive devices effectively to establish connections between sentences and paragraphs. Additionally, pay attention to sentence structure and grammar to ensure clarity and coherence throughout the essay. Finally, proofread carefully to eliminate errors and improve overall readability.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary, with some repetition and inappropriate word choices. There are several instances of grammatical errors and awkward phrasing which impede clarity. The essay attempts to convey information about the bar chart but lacks precision and coherence in expression.

How to improve: To improve lexical resource, focus on expanding vocabulary to convey ideas more accurately and fluently. Work on using appropriate terminology for the given task, avoiding repetitive phrases, and enhancing word choice to achieve clarity and coherence. Additionally, attention to grammatical accuracy and sentence structure will enhance overall communication.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt at using a variety of sentence structures and includes both simple and complex sentences. However, there are notable grammatical errors throughout the essay that hinder communication. For example, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("the percentage of salary in referees is higher"), article usage ("therapists role is more balance"), and unclear phrasing ("while the paid of other sections decreased 10%"). Punctuation errors also occur, affecting readability. Despite attempting some complex sentences, accuracy tends to suffer, particularly in conveying precise meaning.

How to improve: To improve the grammatical range and accuracy, focus on clarity and precision in sentence construction. Ensure subject-verb agreement, accurate article usage, and consistent tense throughout the essay. Review punctuation rules, especially regarding comma usage for clarity. Additionally, strive for more accuracy in expressing complex ideas, avoiding ambiguity and ensuring coherence in the overall essay structure. Practice incorporating a wider range of grammatical structures with greater accuracy to enhance communication effectiveness.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided bar chart illustrates the distribution of volunteers and paid workers across four distinct roles within the sports sector of an Australian town in the year 2015.

Overall, the proportion of paid workers in coaching, therapy, and other sectors is lower compared to the number of volunteers, whereas the percentage of paid workers in the role of referees surpasses that of volunteers.

In the therapy sector, volunteer participation stands at 45%, significantly lower than the other sectors, which recorded a 13% volunteer rate. However, the distribution of paid workers in the therapy role exhibits a more balanced distribution, with only a 5% decrease compared to a 10% decrease in other sectors.

In the coaching role, there is a notable increase in volunteer numbers, exceeding those in therapy by 30% and in other sectors by 12%. However, paid workers in coaching roles comprise only half the percentage of volunteers.

The role of referees presents a slight divergence, as the percentage of paid workers exceeds that of volunteers by nearly 10%.