the maps show a present layout of an office building and plans for it future redevelopment

the maps show a present layout of an office building and plans for it future redevelopment

The illustrations depict how an office building is organized currently, and its renovation plan for the future.

Overall, the area will witness radical changes with the most noticeable being the positions of the working places and the construction of other facilities.

Looking first at the positions of the offices, as shown at the bottom of the present map, there are four working areas to the right of the main entrance. However, it is planned to move the entrance to the middle of the two offices, and the other two will be relocated to the top of the map to replace the kitchen and the canteen. Nevertheless, the storeroom which is next to the canteen will remain unchanged.

Turning to the other infrastructures, the two grassy areas located at two sides of the building will be cleared to make room for the additional facilities. To the right-hand side, the WCs will be moved to the upper right corner beside the new coffee machine. There will be a meeting area opposite that site. Furthermore, an outdoor seating area with several chairs will be erected to the left of this office building.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "depict" -> "illustrate"
    Explanation: "Illustrate" is a more formal and precise term commonly used in technical or descriptive contexts, enhancing the sophistication of the description.

  2. "radical changes" -> "significant alterations"
    Explanation: "Significant alterations" maintains the meaning while offering a more refined and nuanced expression, suitable for a formal description of architectural changes.

  3. "positions of the working places" -> "arrangement of workspaces"
    Explanation: "Arrangement of workspaces" is a more precise and professional term, conveying the layout of the office more effectively.

  4. "Nevertheless" -> "However"
    Explanation: "However" is a more appropriate transitional phrase in this context, signaling a shift in focus or contradiction more smoothly.

  5. "infrastructures" -> "facilities"
    Explanation: "Facilities" is a more accurate term to describe the various amenities and structures within the building, aligning better with standard usage.

  6. "grassy areas" -> "green spaces"
    Explanation: "Green spaces" is a more descriptive and elegant term, conveying the nature of the areas more vividly.

  7. "erected" -> "established"
    Explanation: "Established" is a more formal and appropriate term when referring to the creation or installation of structures or amenities.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay adequately addresses the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the current layout of the office building and its future redevelopment plans. Key features such as the relocation of offices, construction of new facilities, and changes in infrastructure are identified and described. However, the presentation lacks some detail and extension, particularly in explaining the significance or impact of the changes mentioned. Additionally, some information could be clarified further for a more comprehensive understanding.

How to improve:
To enhance the essay’s score, provide more specific details about the reasons behind the redevelopment plans and how they will benefit the office environment or its occupants. Extend the discussion on each aspect of the renovation, emphasizing the rationale and potential outcomes. Ensure clarity and precision in describing the changes to avoid ambiguity or confusion.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

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Band Score: 7

Explanation: This essay is logically organized, with clear progression throughout the text. The writer uses a variety of cohesive devices, including transitional phrases ("Overall," "Looking first at," "Turning to"), to link different sections of the response. Each paragraph has a clear central topic, and the flow between paragraphs is smooth.

However, there is a slight overuse of some cohesive devices, such as multiple introductory phrases at the start of paragraphs. Additionally, while the paragraphing is appropriate, the transition between the second and third paragraphs could be a bit smoother to ensure a seamless flow. These factors suggest a Band 7 for Coherence and Cohesion.

How to improve: To achieve a higher score, consider varying the cohesive devices to avoid repetition. In addition, focusing on creating smoother transitions between paragraphs, possibly by using more varied linking words or phrases, would improve cohesion. Paying careful attention to the logical flow of ideas will enhance the coherence of the essay. Using paragraphing to emphasize shifts in focus or topic more clearly could also help raise the score to Band 8.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, covering various aspects of the present layout and future redevelopment plans of the office building. There is an attempt to use less common vocabulary such as "radical changes" and "infrastructure," but there are some inaccuracies and inconsistencies in word choice and collocation. For example, "working places" could be replaced with "workspaces" for better precision. Additionally, there are minor errors in word formation, such as "erection" instead of "construction," and awkward phrasing like "at two sides of the building." However, these errors do not significantly impede communication.

How to improve: To improve the lexical resource, strive for greater accuracy and precision in word choice and collocation. Use more varied and appropriate vocabulary where possible. Proofread carefully to correct errors in word formation and ensure clarity in expression. Consider revising awkward phrasing for smoother readability.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation:
This essay demonstrates a good range of structures, including complex sentences and varied sentence forms. The writer effectively uses transitions like "Looking first at…" and "Turning to…" to organize ideas, showcasing a variety of sentence structures. The use of passive voice ("will be cleared," "will be moved") also contributes to the complexity of the essay. Additionally, the essay maintains good control over grammar and punctuation, with only occasional errors.

How to improve:
To move towards a Band 8 score, focus on further refining accuracy and complexity. Ensure that complex sentences are used accurately and consistently throughout the essay. Also, pay attention to minor errors and work on eliminating them to enhance overall clarity and precision. Keep practicing and pay attention to feedback to continue improving your writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided illustrations delineate the current layout of an office building alongside plans for its future redevelopment.

Overall, substantial transformations are anticipated within the area, particularly notable are the relocations of working spaces and the introduction of additional facilities.

Beginning with the arrangement of offices, as depicted at the lower section of the present diagram, four working areas are situated to the right of the primary entrance. However, there are intentions to relocate the entrance to a central position between two offices, while the remaining two will be shifted to the uppermost part of the map, replacing the existing kitchen and canteen. Notably, the storeroom adjacent to the canteen will remain unaltered.

Transitioning to other amenities, the two grassy areas flanking the building will be cleared to accommodate the forthcoming facilities. On the right-hand side, the WCs are slated for relocation to the upper right corner, alongside the newly proposed coffee machine. Adjacent to this, a designated meeting area is planned. Moreover, an outdoor seating arrangement comprising several chairs is proposed for the left side of the office building.

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