The charts below show the percentages of men and women aged 60-64 in employment in four countries in 1970 and 2000.

The bar charts illustrate the proportion of working males and females aged 60-64 in four distinct countries – Belgium, America, Japan, and Australia, between 1970 and 2000.
In general, one noteworthy feature from the charts is the downward trend in the percentage of 60-to-64 workers in both genders in four countries, except for the proportion of older working females in the USA and Australia having an opposite trend. Additionally, these rates of men were always higher than those of women across the given nations.
In 1970, Japan accounted for the highest percentage of 60-to-64 working males, which was 85%, followed by Belgium, Australia, and the USA, with 79%, 76%, and 73%, in that order. Until 2000, the figure for Belgium experienced a drastic decrease by 60%, to 19%, which was nearly four times lower than that for Japan, standing at 74%. Meanwhile, 55% and 47% were respectively the proportion of working males aged 60–64 in America and Australia in 2000.
For women of the same age bracket, Japan continued to have the highest employment rate, commencing at 43% before dropping to 40% in 2000. This is completely contradictory with Belgium, the country with the lowest figure despite a negligible decline from 8% to 7%. In contrast, the USA and Australia indicated an upward trend in the employment rate of people in the 60-to-64 bracket, with the figure for America rose from 36% to 39%, and that for Australia from 16% to 18% in 2000.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"distinct" -> "distinctive"
Explanation: Replacing "distinct" with "distinctive" enhances the specificity of the countries being discussed, adding a nuanced layer to the description.
"noteworthy" -> "salient"
Explanation: Substituting "noteworthy" with "salient" elevates the level of formality and sophistication in describing the prominent feature of the charts.
"proportion" -> "proportionate"
Explanation: Changing "proportion" to "proportionate" maintains the meaning while introducing a more precise and advanced term, aligning with the academic tone of the essay.
"always" -> "consistently"
Explanation: Using "consistently" instead of "always" imparts a more nuanced understanding of the data, emphasizing the stability of the trend over time.
"drastic" -> "significant"
Explanation: Replacing "drastic" with "significant" maintains the impact of the decrease while toning down the intensity of the language slightly for a more balanced description.
"commencing" -> "starting"
Explanation: Substituting "commencing" with "starting" simplifies the language without sacrificing clarity, making the sentence more accessible to a wider audience.
"contradictory with" -> "in contrast to"
Explanation: Changing "contradictory with" to "in contrast to" clarifies the relationship between Japan and Belgium, highlighting their divergent trends in employment rates.
"indicated" -> "showed"
Explanation: Using "showed" instead of "indicated" maintains clarity while employing a more straightforward verb choice, enhancing readability.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

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Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay adequately covers the requirements of the task by providing a clear overview of the main trends in the employment percentages of men and women aged 60-64 in four countries over the given period. Key features and bullet points are presented and highlighted, such as the downward trend in most countries and the variations between genders and nations. However, the extension of key features could be more fully developed, particularly in providing more detailed comparisons between the countries.
How to improve: To improve, consider providing more specific and detailed comparisons between the countries, such as discussing the magnitude of changes and exploring potential reasons behind the observed trends. Additionally, ensure that all information presented directly relates to the task and avoids unnecessary details.]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation:
The essay logically organizes the information by first introducing the topic and providing an overview of the charts. It then proceeds to compare and contrast the data for each country and gender group in a sequential manner, starting with the data from 1970 and then moving on to the data from 2000. The progression is clear throughout the essay, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the data. Cohesive devices are used appropriately to connect ideas within and between sentences, aiding the flow of information. The central topic of each paragraph is clear, focusing on either the data for males or females in a particular country during a specific time period.

How to improve:
To enhance coherence and cohesion further, consider using more varied transitional phrases to better guide the reader through the comparison and contrast of the data. Additionally, ensure consistency in the use of tense throughout the essay. Lastly, pay attention to the structure of paragraphs to ensure logical organization and coherence within and between them.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, including specific terms like "proportion," "distinct," "noteworthy," "drastic decrease," "employment rate," and "upward trend." There’s an attempt to use less common vocabulary with phrases like "age bracket" and "employment rate." The essay also shows some awareness of style and collocation with phrases like "noteworthy feature," "upward trend," and "drastic decrease." However, there are occasional errors in word choice and collocation, such as "older working females" instead of "working older females" and "had an opposite trend" instead of "exhibited an opposite trend."

How to improve: To improve, focus on using more varied and precise vocabulary consistently throughout the essay. Pay close attention to word choice and collocation to ensure accuracy and clarity in conveying ideas. Additionally, proofread the essay carefully to catch and correct any errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a variety of complex structures, such as introductory clauses, descriptive phrases, and comparative language. The majority of sentences are error-free, showcasing good control of grammar and punctuation. However, there are a few instances of minor errors and inconsistencies, such as missing articles ("the percentage of 60-to-64 workers") and awkward phrasing ("the proportion of older working females in the USA and Australia having an opposite trend"). Despite these minor flaws, the overall grammatical range and accuracy are strong, with effective use of complex sentence structures and appropriate punctuation.

How to improve: To improve the grammatical range and accuracy, pay closer attention to article usage and phrasing to ensure clarity and coherence. Additionally, aim for more consistent use of complex structures throughout the essay to further enhance its sophistication and coherence.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided bar charts depict the proportion of employed individuals aged 60-64, categorized by gender, across four distinct countries – Belgium, America, Japan, and Australia, during the years 1970 and 2000.

Overall, a notable trend observed in the charts is the decline in the percentage of 60-to-64-year-old workers across all genders and nations, barring a contrasting uptick in the employment rate of older females in the USA and Australia. Furthermore, throughout the given period, the employment rates among males consistently surpassed those among females across the surveyed nations.

In 1970, Japan exhibited the highest percentage of employed males aged 60-64, standing at 85%, followed by Belgium, Australia, and the USA, with respective figures of 79%, 76%, and 73%. By 2000, Belgium witnessed a significant decrease in this percentage, plummeting by 60% to a mere 19%, nearly a quarter of Japan’s rate, which settled at 74%. Concurrently, America and Australia recorded figures of 55% and 47% respectively for employed males aged 60-64 in 2000.

For females within the same age bracket, Japan maintained the highest employment rate, starting at 43% in 1970 and slightly declining to 40% by 2000. Conversely, Belgium, despite experiencing a marginal decline from 8% to 7%, exhibited the lowest employment rate among the surveyed countries. Conversely, the USA and Australia witnessed an upward trajectory in the employment rates of individuals aged 60-64, with figures for America rising from 36% to 39% and those for Australia increasing from 16% to 18% by 2000.