The bar chart below shows the results of a survey conducted by a personnel department at a major company. The survey was carried out on two groups of workers: those aged from 18-30 and those aged 45-60, and shows factors affecting their work performance.

The diagram illustrates the survey findings in relation to the employees’ working performance influenced by 10 factors between two age cohorts, namely 18-30 and 45-60.
Overall, the noticeable feature of this bar chart is the younger group that are more significantly impacted by those motives than the older one, except for the factors of respect from colleagues and competent managers. Moreover, for the group aged 18-30, opportunities for individual development play the greatest contributor to their working performance.
In the bar chart, younger workers feel most motivated to work effectively by the purpose of enhancing their personal skills, comprising approximately 90%, which is twice as much as that affected the senior ones. It is followed by three other determinants, stress-free working environment (at 80%), promotion prospects (at 80%), and money
(75%). These figures for the 45-60 age bracket are much lower, roughly 30%, 50%, and 70%, respectively.
There is a similarity in the influence of team spirit and work environment between the two groups, making up 70% and 30%, respectively. On the other hand, the elder group seem to perform better in work than the other one who are affected by their coworkers’ respect and skilled administrators.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"are more significantly impacted by those motives" -> "are significantly more affected by those factors"
Explanation: "Impacted" is an acceptable term, but "affected" is more precise and commonly used in this context. Additionally, "significantly more affected" maintains clarity and emphasizes the extent of influence.
"except for the factors of respect from colleagues and competent managers" -> "apart from the aspects of respect from colleagues and competent management"
Explanation: "Factors" could be replaced with "aspects" to avoid repetition. Additionally, "management" is more specific and formal than "managers."
"the group aged 18-30" -> "the 18-30 age cohort"
Explanation: Using "age cohort" is more formal and precise. It also reduces redundancy by avoiding repetition of "group."
"motivated to work effectively by the purpose of enhancing their personal skills" -> "motivated to enhance their personal skills for effective work"
Explanation: Rearranging the phrase improves clarity and flow. Additionally, "for effective work" clarifies the purpose more explicitly.
"approximately 90%, which is twice as much as that affected the senior ones" -> "nearly 90%, twice the proportion observed in the older cohort"
Explanation: Replacing "approximately" with "nearly" adds precision. "Proportion" is a more formal term than "amount." Also, "observed in the older cohort" provides a clearer reference.
"elder group" -> "older cohort"
Explanation: "Elder" can sometimes carry a connotation of respect or authority, which may not be intended here. "Older cohort" is more neutral and precise.
"seem to perform better in work" -> "seem to exhibit better performance"
Explanation: "Perform better in work" is slightly awkward. Using "exhibit better performance" is more concise and formal.
"who are affected by their coworkers’ respect and skilled administrators" -> "who are influenced by the respect of their coworkers and skilled management"
Explanation: "Affected by" is replaced with "influenced by" for clarity. Also, "management" is more precise than "administrators."

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

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Band Score: 7.0
Explanation: The essay adequately covers the requirements of the task by presenting a clear overview of the main trends affecting the work performance of two age groups. It highlights key features such as factors influencing motivation and compares them between the age cohorts. The essay also provides specific data from the chart to support its analysis.
How to improve: To improve, the essay could extend the analysis of key features, providing more detail on how each factor affects the work performance of the two age groups. Additionally, ensuring clarity and coherence in presenting comparisons would enhance the overall effectiveness of the response.
]

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay logically organizes information by dividing the discussion into clear paragraphs, each addressing different aspects of the survey findings. The introduction provides a succinct overview of the age cohorts and the factors affecting their work performance, setting up a clear structure for the essay. Within paragraphs, there is a progression of ideas, moving from general observations to specific details about each age group’s response to different factors. Cohesive devices such as transition words ("overall," "more significantly," "moreover," "on the other hand") help maintain coherence and guide the reader through the essay. Additionally, the essay effectively presents a central topic within each paragraph, focusing on one or two factors influencing work performance.

How to improve:
To further enhance coherence and cohesion, consider refining the use of cohesive devices to ensure smoother transitions between sentences and paragraphs. Additionally, strive for more consistent paragraphing to ensure that each paragraph contains a clear main idea and supports it with relevant details. Lastly, be cautious of minor grammatical errors that may slightly interrupt the flow of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing for flexibility and precision in conveying ideas. It uses less common lexical items, such as "cohort" and "determinants," and shows awareness of style and collocation. The writer fluently discusses the survey findings, employing vocabulary related to statistics ("approximately," "roughly") and comparison ("twice as much," "much lower"). The essay effectively communicates the differences between the age groups and their motivations at work. However, there are some minor errors in word choice and collocation, such as "affected" instead of "affecting" and "perform better in work" which could be revised for clarity.

How to improve:
To enhance lexical resource, strive for more precise word choices and ensure accurate collocation. Proofreading for minor errors in word choice and sentence structure can further improve clarity and coherence. Additionally, incorporating a wider variety of vocabulary, particularly in transitions and sentence structures, could elevate the lexical sophistication of the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, incorporating a variety of structures such as compound sentences ("The diagram illustrates…"), comparative structures ("more significantly impacted"), and subordinate clauses ("except for the factors of respect…"). However, there are some errors in grammar and punctuation throughout the essay, such as the missing comma after introductory phrases ("Overall, the noticeable feature…"), inconsistent verb tense usage ("are more significantly impacted" should be "are impacted more significantly"), and awkward phrasing ("…more significantly impacted by those motives than the older one"). These errors occasionally affect the clarity of the communication but do not significantly hinder comprehension.

How to improve:
To improve the grammatical range and accuracy, focus on ensuring consistent and correct verb tense usage throughout the essay. Pay attention to punctuation, particularly using commas after introductory phrases and clauses. Additionally, strive for clarity in sentence structure to avoid awkward phrasing and enhance readability. Regular practice with sentence construction and grammar rules can help refine these skills.

Bài sửa mẫu

The diagram depicts survey results regarding factors affecting work performance among employees aged 18-30 and 45-60. Overall, the data reveals that the younger cohort is more significantly influenced by these factors, with some exceptions.

In the younger age group, opportunities for individual development emerge as the most significant factor, contributing substantially to their work performance. Specifically, approximately 90% of respondents in this group cite personal skill enhancement as their primary motivator, a proportion twice that of their older counterparts. Additionally, stress-free working environments (80%), promotion prospects (80%), and monetary incentives (75%) also significantly impact the younger demographic. Conversely, these factors exhibit substantially lower influence among the 45-60 age group, with proportions roughly at 30%, 50%, and 70%, respectively.

Notably, both age groups demonstrate a similar reliance on team spirit (70%) and work environment (30%) as factors influencing their performance. However, the older demographic appears to outperform their younger counterparts in areas where respect from colleagues and competent management are influential factors.