Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Some individuals claim that many people have achieved fame for their glamorous lifestyles and affluence rather than for the work they do and thus these celebrities could be a bad role model to young generations. While I accept that there are some arguments in favour of this view, I believe that some other celebrities can set a good example to youngsters.

On the one hand, several reasons can be given to explain why some feel that some celebrities who are famous for wrong reasons are poor role models for the young. The initial explanation is that it has been scientifically proven that young children tend to copy the behaviour of the people they admire. Therefore, if their idols are famous for spending millions of dollars having luxury parties, wearing the latest fashions or driving expensive sports cars, perhaps children would be tricked into pursuing the luxury lifestyle instead of focusing on creating real value for society. In addition, such famous people are more likely to lead children into believing that fame and wealth equal true happiness. This kind of thinking may cause children to place much emphasis on money and material possessions and ignore moral values such as sharing and integrity.

However, I believe that there are still famous people who are well known for good reasons and these people can be good examples for children to follow. Firstly, some famous musicians, actors and sports stars have displayed great qualities by dedicating hours of practice to achieve their full potential. For example, the famous footballer, Cristiano Ronaldo has risen to the top of his chosen field by spending at least 8 hours each day practising football skills. This man has promoted a simple message to millions of youngsters around the world that success is the result of hard work and great effort. Secondly, some other celebrities can educate young people about being good and kind people. For instance, the rich and well-known actor, Keanu Reeves, has had millions of fans because of one special quality, doing good deeds without bragging about it. His good character can certainly have a powerful impact on the way his young fans bahave.

In conclusion, although it is understandable why some people think that some celebrities’ way of life can have negative impacts on children’s behaviour and thinking, I believe that some other famous idols are good models for young people to follow.
Tóm lại, mặc dù có thể hiểu được lý do tại sao một số người nghĩ rằng cách sống của một số người nổi tiếng có thể có tác động tiêu cực đến hành vi và suy nghĩ của trẻ em, nhưng tôi tin rằng một số thần tượng nổi tiếng khác là hình mẫu tốt để giới trẻ noi theo.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"glamorous lifestyles and affluence" -> "luxurious lifestyles and wealth"
Explanation: "Glamorous lifestyles and affluence" can be replaced with "luxurious lifestyles and wealth" to enhance the sophistication of the language without changing the meaning significantly.
"thus these celebrities could be a bad role model" -> "thus, these celebrities could serve as poor role models"
Explanation: Using "serve as poor role models" instead of "be a bad role model" is more formal and precise in academic writing.
"While I accept that there are some arguments in favour of this view," -> "While I acknowledge that there are some arguments supporting this perspective,"
Explanation: "I accept that" can be changed to "I acknowledge that" for a more formal tone, and "in favour of this view" can be changed to "supporting this perspective" for variety and clarity.
"On the one hand, several reasons can be given to explain why some feel that some celebrities who are famous for wrong reasons are poor role models for the young." -> "On one hand, several reasons can be provided to explain why some argue that celebrities who are famous for the wrong reasons are poor role models for young people."
Explanation: The sentence is restructured for clarity and formality, avoiding repetition of "some" and using more precise language ("provide" instead of "give").
"The initial explanation is that it has been scientifically proven that young children tend to copy the behaviour of the people they admire." -> "One primary explanation is that scientific studies have shown that young children tend to emulate the behavior of their admired individuals."
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence provides a more formal and concise expression, avoiding the use of "it has been scientifically proven" which is redundant in academic writing.
"Therefore, if their idols are famous for spending millions of dollars having luxury parties, wearing the latest fashions or driving expensive sports cars, perhaps children would be tricked into pursuing the luxury lifestyle instead of focusing on creating real value for society." -> "Consequently, if their idols are renowned for extravagant spending on luxury parties, fashionable attire, or high-end sports cars, children may be influenced to pursue a luxurious lifestyle rather than emphasizing the creation of tangible value for society."
Explanation: The revised sentence is more precise and formal, using synonyms to enhance the vocabulary ("renowned" instead of "famous," "extravagant spending" instead of "spending millions of dollars," etc.).
"This kind of thinking may cause children to place much emphasis on money and material possessions and ignore moral values such as sharing and integrity." -> "Such thinking may lead children to prioritize money and material possessions over moral values such as sharing and integrity."
Explanation: The revised sentence is more concise and formal, avoiding the informal phrase "much emphasis on."
"However, I believe that there are still famous people who are well known for good reasons and these people can be good examples for children to follow." -> "Nevertheless, I believe that there are still renowned individuals known for their positive attributes, who can serve as exemplary figures for children."
Explanation: The revised sentence is more formal and replaces repetitive phrasing with more concise wording.
"Firstly, some famous musicians, actors and sports stars have displayed great qualities by dedicating hours of practice to achieve their full potential." -> "First, certain renowned musicians, actors, and sports figures have demonstrated exceptional qualities by dedicating extensive hours to practice and attain their utmost capabilities."
Explanation: The revised sentence maintains the original meaning while using more formal language and avoiding the use of "some" repeatedly.
"For example, the famous footballer, Cristiano Ronaldo has risen to the top of his chosen field by spending at least 8 hours each day practising football skills." -> "For instance, the renowned footballer Cristiano Ronaldo has attained the pinnacle of his profession through daily practices of at least 8 hours to enhance his football skills."
Explanation: The revised sentence uses synonyms to enhance the vocabulary ("renowned" instead of "famous," "attained the pinnacle of his profession" instead of "risen to the top of his chosen field," etc.).
"This man has promoted a simple message to millions of youngsters around the world that success is the result of hard work and great effort." -> "He has conveyed a straightforward message to millions of young individuals worldwide: success stems from diligent effort and perseverance."
Explanation: The revised sentence maintains the original meaning while using more formal language and avoiding the informal phrasing "This man."
"Secondly, some other celebrities can educate young people about being good and kind people." -> "Secondly, other celebrities can serve as educators for young people, promoting kindness and moral values."
Explanation: The revised sentence is more formal and replaces the repetitive use of "some" with a broader term "other celebrities."
"For instance, the rich and well-known actor, Keanu Reeves, has had millions of fans because of one special quality, doing good deeds without bragging about it." -> "For example, the affluent and renowned actor Keanu Reeves has garnered millions of fans due to his distinctive quality of performing charitable acts without seeking recognition."
Explanation: The revised sentence uses more formal language and avoids redundancy and informal phrasing ("rich and well-known" replaced with "affluent and renowned," "doing good deeds without bragging about it" replaced with "performing charitable acts without seeking recognition," etc.).
"His good character can certainly have a powerful impact on the way his young fans bahave." -> "His exemplary character can undoubtedly exert a profound influence on the behavior of his youthful admirers."
Explanation: The revised sentence is more formal and uses more advanced vocabulary ("exemplary" instead of "good," "exert a profound influence" instead of "have a powerful impact," etc.).

These revisions aim to enhance the academic tone and clarity of the essay by using more precise and sophisticated language.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the prompt by discussing both sides of the argument. The writer acknowledges that some celebrities may set a poor example due to their focus on glamour and wealth, yet also argues that other celebrities can be positive role models due to their hard work and personal virtues. This balanced approach ensures that the essay comprehensively covers the topic, providing a nuanced view rather than a one-sided argument.
- How to improve: To enhance the response even further, the writer could deepen the analysis of how exactly positive celebrity influences might counteract the negative ones, perhaps by including more specific examples or statistical evidence that showcases the positive impact of celebrities on young people.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, stating from the introduction through to the conclusion that while some celebrities negatively influence young people, others serve as beneficial role models. This thesis is reiterated in the conclusion, reinforcing the writer’s stance. The use of phrases such as "I believe" helps to clearly communicate personal opinion, anchoring the essay around a consistent central argument.
- How to improve: The essay could benefit from slightly stronger phrasing that projects even more confidence in the arguments made. For instance, transitioning from "I believe" to assertive statements like "Evidence shows" or "It is evident" could make the arguments appear more robust and persuasive.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: Ideas are generally well-presented and supported with relevant examples, such as Cristiano Ronaldo’s dedication to football and Keanu Reeves’ charitable behavior. These examples effectively illustrate the essay’s argument that not all celebrities are poor role models. Each main point is extended by explaining how these behaviors influence young people, which strengthens the essay’s arguments.
- How to improve: To further improve, the essay could integrate additional supporting evidence such as citations from psychological studies or surveys on celebrity influence. This would add depth to the claims and provide a stronger factual basis for the arguments.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay stays on topic throughout, consistently relating the discussion back to the influence of celebrities on young people. There are no deviations into irrelevant areas, which keeps the essay focused and cohesive.
- How to improve: While the essay stays well-focused, it could benefit from a tighter connection between the examples and the overarching argument. Ensuring that every example directly ties back to how young people may perceive these actions would reinforce relevance and strengthen the focus on the essay’s topic.

Overall, the essay scores well in Task Response due to its balanced analysis, clear position, relevant examples, and focus on the topic. However, minor enhancements in evidence support and assertiveness could elevate the overall effectiveness and persuasiveness of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. Each paragraph presents a clear idea, with the introduction and conclusion framing the discussion effectively. The introduction introduces the topic and presents a clear thesis statement outlining the author’s stance. Each body paragraph focuses on either the negative or positive aspects of celebrities’ influence, providing supporting examples and arguments. The conclusion summarizes the main points and restates the author’s position. However, there could be a smoother transition between paragraphs to enhance coherence further.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transition phrases or sentences at the beginning or end of each paragraph to connect ideas more smoothly. For instance, phrases like "On the one hand," and "However," can signal shifts in argumentation, aiding the reader in following the essay’s flow.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to organize ideas. Each paragraph focuses on a single aspect of the argument, with clear topic sentences introducing the main point. However, some paragraphs could benefit from further development or more extensive analysis to fully support the thesis.
- How to improve: Ensure each paragraph fully develops its main idea with supporting evidence or examples. Additionally, consider varying sentence structure within paragraphs to maintain reader engagement and clarity.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas and improve coherence. These include transition words and phrases like "while," "on the one hand," "firstly," and "in conclusion," which help guide the reader through the argumentative structure. Additionally, cohesive devices such as pronouns ("these people," "such famous people") and repetition ("some other celebrities," "some other famous idols") reinforce key concepts and maintain cohesion.
- How to improve: Continue utilizing a diverse range of cohesive devices to strengthen the connections between ideas. Ensure that each cohesive device is used appropriately and effectively to enhance coherence without overreliance on any single type. Additionally, consider incorporating more advanced cohesive devices, such as parallelism and subordination, to further refine the essay’s cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

**Band Score for Lexical Resource**: 7
- **Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary**:
  - **Detailed explanation**: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, using terms such as "glamorous lifestyles," "affluence," "idols," and "moral values." There is evidence of varied vocabulary that enhances the expressiveness and clarity of the arguments. The writer also uses terms that are appropriate for the context, like "true happiness," "practice," and "achievements."
  - **How to improve**: To further increase the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating more idiomatic expressions, phrasal verbs, or complex terms. Exploring synonyms or using a thesaurus might help diversify word choices. Additionally, introducing more academic or topic-specific terminology can contribute to a higher lexical resource score.

- **Use Vocabulary Precisely**:
  - **Detailed explanation**: Overall, the vocabulary is used with a high level of precision. The essay effectively conveys its arguments, and the word choice is generally appropriate to the context. However, there are some instances where precision could be improved. For example, "tricked into pursuing the luxury lifestyle" might not be the most accurate phrase, and could be reworded for clarity.
  - **How to improve**: To enhance precision, be mindful of word connotations and ensure that each term aligns with its intended meaning. Review phrases and consider whether simpler or more specific words could replace complex or ambiguous terms. Using context-based feedback from peers or educators can help identify areas where vocabulary can be sharpened.

- **Use Correct Spelling**:
  - **Detailed explanation**: The spelling throughout the essay is generally correct, with only a few noticeable errors. However, the phrase "the way his young fans bahave" contains a clear spelling mistake, which might lower the overall impression of accuracy.
  - **How to improve**: To minimize spelling errors, consider using spell-checking tools and manually proofreading the text. Reading the essay aloud can also help catch errors. It is also beneficial to practice with spelling exercises and build a habit of double-checking commonly misspelled words.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of sentence structures, including complex sentences with dependent and independent clauses, conditional sentences, and comparative structures. For instance, the writer employs complex sentences like "While I accept that there are some arguments in favour of this view…" showcasing the ability to construct sophisticated grammatical structures.
- How to improve: To further enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex grammatical constructions such as inversion, passive voice, and participial phrases. Additionally, strive to vary the length of sentences to create a more engaging rhythm and flow in the essay.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and punctuation. The writer effectively uses punctuation marks such as commas, periods, and apostrophes to convey meaning clearly. For example, the use of commas in the sentence "On the one hand, several reasons can be given to explain why some feel that some celebrities who are famous for wrong reasons are poor role models for the young" enhances readability and clarity.
- How to improve: While the essay exhibits a high level of grammatical accuracy, occasional errors in subject-verb agreement and article usage are present. For instance, in the sentence "perhaps children would be tricked into pursuing the luxury lifestyle instead of focusing on creating real value for society," the subject-verb agreement should be corrected to "perhaps children would be tricked into pursuing the luxury lifestyle instead of focusing on creating real value for society." To improve accuracy, consider reviewing grammar rules related to agreement, articles, and verb tense consistency.

Overall, the essay effectively utilizes a variety of sentence structures and demonstrates a strong command of grammar and punctuation, contributing to its overall coherence and clarity. To further enhance grammatical range and accuracy, continue practicing diverse sentence structures and paying attention to grammatical details in writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some argue that many individuals gain fame due to their luxurious lifestyles and wealth rather than their professional achievements, potentially setting a detrimental example for young people. While I acknowledge the validity of this viewpoint, I contend that there are celebrities who serve as positive role models for the youth.

On one hand, it is understandable why some perceive celebrities known for their extravagant lifestyles as poor role models. It is widely accepted that children often emulate the behavior of those they admire. Thus, if their idols are renowned for extravagant spending on lavish parties, fashionable attire, or expensive vehicles, youngsters might be influenced to pursue a materialistic lifestyle rather than focusing on contributing meaningfully to society. Moreover, such figures may perpetuate the misconception that fame and wealth equate to genuine happiness, potentially leading children to prioritize monetary gains over moral values such as generosity and integrity.

However, it is important to recognize that there are still celebrities esteemed for their positive attributes, serving as exemplary figures for young individuals to emulate. Firstly, certain renowned musicians, actors, and athletes have demonstrated admirable qualities by dedicating extensive time and effort to hone their skills. For instance, Cristiano Ronaldo, a celebrated footballer, has ascended to the pinnacle of his profession through rigorous daily training sessions lasting at least 8 hours. His journey underscores the message that success is attainable through perseverance and hard work, offering valuable inspiration to millions of young people worldwide. Secondly, some celebrities exemplify kindness and altruism, imparting important lessons to their admirers. Take Keanu Reeves, a respected actor renowned not only for his talent but also for his humility and philanthropic deeds performed without seeking recognition. His exemplary conduct has the potential to significantly influence the behavior of his young fans, promoting empathy and compassion.

In conclusion, while it is evident why some perceive certain celebrities’ lifestyles as detrimental to children’s behavior and mindset, I firmly believe that other influential figures serve as positive role models for the youth.