The importance of biodiversity is being more widely recognised as increasing numbers of species come under threat What can be done to maintain biodiversity?
The importance of biodiversity is being more widely recognised as increasing numbers of species come under threat
What can be done to maintain biodiversity?
Biodiversity is considered to be a crucial way of preserving and rising a large number of species that are at risk of being extinct. Although there are several setbacks, government have made concerted effort to maintain biodiversity for ages.
Firstly, we can not deny that human activities pose a threat to species' lives, which could come from deforestation and water pollution. Forests are cut down for personal demand such as agriculture building home reproduction, which lead to the dearth of creatures' habitat. As a result, a variety of plans have been implemented by authorities, regulations like forbidding farmers to cut down woods in the forest that have various kinds of animals have been imposed.
Furthermore, more and more firms are releasing chemical pollutants and waste illegally into the river, which lead to the consequence that sea animals have to suffer from toxic stream and floating to death. For example Fomosa company in Ha Tinh, a province of Vielnam, killed the majority of fishes from the river that It released potluted water. Thus, sewage systems need building in as much areas, so that it could create a ftresh environment for sea animals to survive, also residents have the chance to access natural and revitalizing water
In summary, small changes could not make a bigger effect, but over the time, actions can make a big deal. It requires the collaboration between government, organizations and citizens to maintain the biodiversity.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
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"rising a large number of species" -> "preserving and sustaining a diverse array of species"
Explanation: "Rising" is not the most appropriate term here. "Preserving and sustaining" conveys the idea of maintaining biodiversity more accurately and formally. "Diverse array of species" is a more sophisticated way to express "large number of species" in academic writing. -
"government have made concerted effort" -> "governments have made concerted efforts"
Explanation: "Government" should be pluralized to match the plural subject "governments." Also, "effort" should be pluralized to agree with the plural subject. Using "efforts" rather than "effort" emphasizes that multiple actions have been taken over time. -
"we can not deny" -> "it is undeniable"
Explanation: "We can not deny" is too informal for academic writing. "It is undeniable" maintains formality while conveying the same meaning. -
"lead to the dearth of creatures’ habitat" -> "result in habitat depletion for various species"
Explanation: "Dearth" is somewhat informal and not the best fit here. "Habitat depletion" is a more precise and formal term to describe the loss of habitat. Also, "for various species" adds specificity. -
"plans have been implemented by authorities" -> "measures have been implemented by governmental authorities"
Explanation: "Plans" is a bit vague and informal. "Measures" is a more precise term. Also, specifying "governmental authorities" enhances clarity and formality. -
"regulations like forbidding farmers to cut down woods" -> "regulations such as prohibiting deforestation by farmers"
Explanation: "Forbidding" is less formal compared to "prohibiting." "Woods" is imprecise; "deforestation" is a more accurate term. -
"more and more firms are releasing chemical pollutants and waste illegally into the river" -> "an increasing number of companies are illegally discharging chemical pollutants and waste into rivers"
Explanation: "More and more" is informal; "an increasing number of" is more formal. "Firms" is relatively informal compared to "companies." "Releasing" can be replaced with "discharging" for a more formal tone. -
"which lead to the consequence that sea animals have to suffer from toxic stream and floating to death" -> "resulting in sea animals suffering from toxic contamination and perishing"
Explanation: "Lead to the consequence that" is redundant. "Toxic stream" is unclear; "toxic contamination" is more precise. "Floating to death" is informal; "perishing" is a more formal alternative. -
"For example Fomosa company" -> "For example, the Formosa company"
Explanation: "Fomosa" should be "Formosa," and the company should be preceded by "the" for grammatical correctness. -
"Thus, sewage systems need building in as much areas" -> "Therefore, sewage systems need to be constructed in many areas"
Explanation: "Need building in as much areas" is awkward and ungrammatical. "Need to be constructed" is a more formal and precise phrase. -
"so that it could create a ftresh environment" -> "to create a fresh environment"
Explanation: "So that it could create" is unnecessarily wordy. "To create" is more concise and direct. -
"over the time" -> "over time"
Explanation: "Over the time" is incorrect; "over time" is the correct phrase to indicate a gradual progression. -
"actions can make a big deal" -> "actions can have a significant impact"
Explanation: "Make a big deal" is colloquial and not suitable for academic writing. "Have a significant impact" is a more formal and appropriate phrase. -
"It requires the collaboration between government, organizations and citizens" -> "It requires collaboration among governments, organizations, and citizens"
Explanation: Adding "the" before "collaboration" and using "among" instead of "between" improve the grammatical correctness. Also, listing the entities in parallel form enhances clarity and formality.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Task Response: 6 – UNDER WORD
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses the importance of biodiversity and proposes measures to maintain it. It recognizes human activities as a threat to species’ existence, mentioning deforestation and water pollution. Additionally, it acknowledges governmental efforts to preserve biodiversity, albeit without delving into specific actions or strategies.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, delve deeper into the specific actions individuals, communities, and governments can take to preserve biodiversity. Provide concrete examples and elaborate on how these measures address the various aspects of maintaining biodiversity, as outlined in the prompt.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance on the significance of biodiversity preservation and the need for collaborative efforts between governments, organizations, and citizens. However, the connection between the introduction and the conclusion could be strengthened to ensure consistency in the presentation of the position.
- How to improve: Strengthen the coherence between the introductory statements and the concluding remarks by reinforcing the thesis statement throughout the essay. Ensure that each paragraph contributes to the overall argument and reinforces the central position.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas regarding the threats to biodiversity, such as deforestation and water pollution, and suggests measures like implementing regulations and building sewage systems. However, these ideas lack depth and development. While an example of a company polluting a river is provided, it would benefit from further elaboration and additional examples to strengthen the argument.
- How to improve: Extend each idea by providing more detailed explanations, examples, and potential consequences. Consider incorporating evidence from reputable sources to support the proposed solutions and emphasize the importance of each measure in maintaining biodiversity.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic by addressing the importance of biodiversity and proposing measures to maintain it. However, there are instances where the discussion could be more focused, such as the brief mention of individual actions without further elaboration.
- How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph directly contributes to the discussion of biodiversity preservation. Avoid tangential points or unrelated examples that detract from the main argument. Provide clear transitions between ideas to maintain coherence and relevance to the topic.
Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the importance of biodiversity and proposes measures to maintain it, there is room for improvement in providing more comprehensive and well-developed ideas, maintaining clarity and consistency in the presentation of the position, and ensuring focus and relevance to the topic throughout the essay. Strengthening these aspects will enhance the overall coherence and persuasiveness of the response.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the importance of biodiversity and the threats it faces due to human activities. However, the organization lacks clarity and coherence. The introduction sets up the discussion broadly, but the body paragraphs jump between ideas without clear progression. For instance, the essay discusses deforestation and water pollution separately without tying them back to the broader theme effectively. The conclusion attempts to summarize but does not reinforce the main points effectively.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the essay should follow a more structured approach. Begin with a clear thesis statement outlining the importance of biodiversity and the primary threats. Then, develop each point systematically in separate paragraphs. For example, one paragraph could focus on deforestation and its impact on habitat loss, followed by another on water pollution and its effects on aquatic life. Ensure that each point connects back to the overarching theme of maintaining biodiversity.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs but lacks consistency and coherence within them. Each paragraph attempts to address a specific point but often includes multiple ideas without clear transitions. For instance, the second paragraph discusses deforestation and habitat loss but also introduces regulations without a clear transition.
- How to improve: Improve paragraph structure by focusing on one main idea per paragraph. Start with a topic sentence that introduces the paragraph’s main point (e.g., the impact of deforestation on biodiversity). Then, provide supporting details and examples. Use transitions to guide the reader from one idea to the next seamlessly.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks effective use of cohesive devices to connect ideas and improve coherence. There are few transitional words or phrases used to link sentences and paragraphs. As a result, the flow of ideas feels disjointed.
- How to improve: Incorporate a variety of cohesive devices such as conjunctions (e.g., therefore, furthermore, consequently), transition words (e.g., firstly, secondly, in summary), and pronouns (e.g., this, these) to improve the flow and coherence. Use these devices consistently to connect related ideas and guide the reader through the essay more smoothly.
Overall, to improve coherence and cohesion and potentially achieve a higher band score, focus on structuring the essay more logically with clear topic sentences and supporting details within well-organized paragraphs. Use a range of cohesive devices effectively to connect ideas and create a cohesive flow throughout the essay.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary relevant to the topic of biodiversity and conservation efforts. Examples include terms like "biodiversity," "extinct," "deforestation," "pollution," "regulations," "sewage systems," and "collaboration." However, there is room for improvement in the variety and sophistication of vocabulary used. For instance, synonyms or alternative phrases for repetitive terms like "species" or "government" could enhance lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To improve vocabulary range, consider incorporating more specialized terminology related to biodiversity conservation, such as "ecosystem services," "habitat fragmentation," or "species conservation strategies." Additionally, aim to use synonyms, antonyms, or idiomatic expressions to avoid repetition and add nuance to your language.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay generally communicates its ideas clearly, there are instances where vocabulary could be more precise. For example, the phrase "personal demand" could be replaced with a more specific term like "urban expansion" or "agricultural expansion." Similarly, "small changes" and "big effect" could be substituted with more precise terms like "incremental alterations" and "substantial impact."
- How to improve: To enhance precision, strive to select vocabulary that accurately conveys your intended meaning. Consider consulting a thesaurus or subject-specific resources to find precise terms that capture the nuances of your ideas. Additionally, focus on using terminology that is directly relevant to the topic and avoids ambiguity.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors and typos that detract from its overall coherence and professionalism. Examples include "reproduction" instead of "reproductive," "forbidding" instead of "forbidding," "Fomosa" instead of "Formosa," "Vielnam" instead of "Vietnam," "potluted" instead of "polluted," "ftresh" instead of "fresh," and "residents" instead of "residents." These errors hinder the reader’s comprehension and diminish the credibility of the writer.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider employing spelling and grammar checkers, proofreading your work carefully before submission, and familiarizing yourself with common spelling rules and patterns. Additionally, practice regularly to reinforce correct spelling habits and consider seeking feedback from peers or instructors to identify and correct errors.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures, including simple and compound sentences. However, there is limited variety in the sentence structures used, with a tendency towards simpler constructions. Complex sentences are sporadically used but not consistently. For instance, there is a reliance on basic subject-verb-object patterns throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and variety of sentence structures, incorporate a wider range of sentence types such as complex and compound-complex sentences. Introduce subordinate clauses, relative clauses, and participial phrases to add depth and complexity to your sentences. Varying sentence structures will make your writing more engaging and sophisticated.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay generally maintains coherence through its use of grammar and punctuation, there are notable errors throughout. These errors include subject-verb agreement issues ("government have made"), incorrect word choice ("ftresh" instead of "fresh"), and punctuation errors (missing commas, incorrect use of apostrophes). Additionally, some sentences lack clarity due to awkward phrasing and faulty sentence structure.
- How to improve: Focus on improving grammatical accuracy by reviewing basic grammar rules, especially subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and pronoun usage. Pay close attention to punctuation rules, particularly the correct use of commas and apostrophes. Revise sentences for clarity and coherence, ensuring that each sentence conveys its intended meaning clearly. Consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-checking tools to identify and correct errors effectively. Additionally, practice writing sentences with varied structures to reinforce grammatical concepts and improve overall writing proficiency.
Bài sửa mẫu
Biodiversity plays a crucial role in preserving and sustaining a diverse array of species that face the threat of extinction. It is undeniable that human activities, such as deforestation and water pollution, pose significant challenges to the survival of various species. Forests are often cleared for agricultural purposes, urban development, and other human needs, resulting in habitat depletion for numerous creatures. To address this issue, measures have been implemented by governmental authorities, including regulations such as prohibiting deforestation by farmers in areas crucial for wildlife conservation.
Moreover, an increasing number of companies are illegally discharging chemical pollutants and waste into rivers, resulting in sea animals suffering from toxic contamination and perishing. For example, the Formosa company in Ha Tinh, a province of Vietnam, caused the death of a significant portion of the river’s fish population due to its release of polluted water. Therefore, sewage systems need to be constructed in many areas to mitigate water pollution and create a fresh environment for aquatic species to thrive. Additionally, this would provide residents with access to clean and revitalizing water resources.
In summary, while individual actions may seem insignificant, over time, they can have a significant impact on maintaining biodiversity. Preserving and sustaining a diverse array of species requires collaboration among governments, organizations, and citizens. By working together, we can address the challenges posed by human activities and ensure the long-term survival of Earth’s precious biodiversity.
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