Boxing, the physical skill of fighting with fits, originated as a sport around 800 BC. As safety concerns over boxing have grown, some people suggest that it should be banned, on both the professional and amateur levels. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

From ancient times, boxing was a sport that helped individual to practice physical strength. However, it is believed, by many people, that it should be prohibited because of its violence for both professionals and novices. Personally, I partly agree with this view, and will give my argument below.

On the one hand, I agree that boxing should not be allowed. First, boxing could be fatal for those who participated in playing sports. The reason for this is that when being punched in the head, players may suffer paralysis, permanent injuries, or even death. According to a comprehensive survey conducted by American Journal of Sport Medicine, The injury rate in sports, particularly in boxing, is notably high, with an average of 50 injuries reported per 1000 hours of exposure. Second, boxing also brings negatively affects on children’s behaviors. A possible explanation is that when watching violent programs on TV, children have a tendency to imitate violent activities which put them in some dangers. A study shows that exposure to violence in sports at a young age can lead to an increase in aggressive behaviors.

On the other hand, it is also undeniable that participation in boxing should be unrestricted. One convincing point is that sports players could gain some several health benefits. This is because boxing requires people’s determination and regular practices which may help to improve their cardiovascular health and concentration. Moreover, individual can release stress when joining in boxing, this could lead to create adrenaline which eliminates sadness and fluctuations. Statistics indicate that 33% of those who do boxing feel happy and satisfied with their lives.

In conclusion, although boxing should be banned for its danger and bad effects. I believe that taking part in boxing is necessary to protect both physical and mental health.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"individual" -> "individuals"
Explanation: "Individual" should be pluralized to match the subject "individuals" in the sentence, ensuring grammatical agreement.
"However, it is believed, by many people, that" -> "However, many people believe that"
Explanation: Simplifying the sentence structure by removing unnecessary commas and restructuring the phrase "it is believed, by many people" into a more direct and concise form improves clarity and flow.
"Personally, I partly agree with this view, and will give my argument below." -> "Personally, I partially agree with this perspective, and I will elucidate my argument below."
Explanation: "Partly" can be replaced with "partially" for a more formal tone. "Give" is replaced with "elucidate" to enhance the sophistication of language, and "argument" is a more formal term than "view."
"boxing should not be allowed" -> "boxing should be prohibited"
Explanation: "Prohibited" is a more formal synonym for "not allowed," better suited to academic writing.
"fatal for those who participated in playing sports" -> "fatal for participants"
Explanation: Simplifying the phrase by removing redundancy and using "participants" instead of "those who participated in playing sports" maintains clarity while eliminating unnecessary words.
"The reason for this is that" -> "This is because"
Explanation: "The reason for this is that" can be replaced with "This is because" for a more concise and direct expression of causality.
"players may suffer paralysis, permanent injuries, or even death" -> "participants may experience paralysis, permanent injuries, or even fatality"
Explanation: Replacing "players" with "participants" aligns with a broader term, suitable for both professionals and novices. "Experience" is a more formal term than "suffer," and "fatality" is used instead of "death" for a more academic tone.
"according to a comprehensive survey conducted by American Journal of Sport Medicine" -> "according to a comprehensive survey published in the American Journal of Sports Medicine"
Explanation: Correcting the article and preposition usage ("the American Journal of Sports Medicine" instead of "American Journal of Sport Medicine") and ensuring proper capitalization ("Sports" instead of "Sport") maintains accuracy and formal style.
"notably high" -> "significantly high"
Explanation: "Significantly high" is a more formal and precise alternative to "notably high."
"bring negatively affects on children’s behaviors" -> "negatively affect children’s behavior"
Explanation: Simplifying the sentence by correcting the verb form ("affects" to "affect") and rephrasing for clarity and conciseness.
"A possible explanation is that" -> "One possible explanation is"
Explanation: Beginning the sentence with "One possible explanation is" provides a clearer and more direct introduction to the explanation.
"when watching violent programs on TV" -> "while viewing violent television programs"
Explanation: Replacing "when" with "while" and specifying "television programs" instead of "TV" enhances formality and specificity.
"can lead to an increase in aggressive behaviors" -> "can result in heightened aggression"
Explanation: Replacing "lead to an increase in" with "result in heightened" provides a more concise and formal expression of causality.
"it is also undeniable that" -> "it is undeniable that"
Explanation: Removing "also" from the sentence improves clarity and conciseness without altering the intended meaning.
"sports players" -> "athletes"
Explanation: "Athletes" is a more formal term than "sports players" and is commonly used in academic writing.
"some several health benefits" -> "various health benefits"
Explanation: "Various" is a more concise and formal alternative to "some several" for indicating multiple health benefits.
"people’s determination and regular practices" -> "individuals’ determination and consistent training"
Explanation: Replacing "people’s determination and regular practices" with "individuals’ determination and consistent training" provides a more precise and formal description.
"individual can release stress" -> "individuals can alleviate stress"
Explanation: "Alleviate" is a more formal and appropriate term than "release" in this context.
"which eliminates sadness and fluctuations" -> "thereby reducing feelings of sadness and mood swings"
Explanation: Expanding on the effects of adrenaline to provide a clearer and more precise description.
"Statistics indicate that 33% of those who do boxing feel happy and satisfied with their lives." -> "Statistics indicate that 33% of boxing participants report feelings of happiness and satisfaction in their lives."
Explanation: Rephrasing the sentence for clarity and formality while maintaining the original meaning.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses all parts of the question by discussing both sides of the argument regarding the banning of boxing. It acknowledges the concerns about boxing’s violence and its potential negative impacts, while also recognizing the health benefits and personal satisfaction associated with the sport.
- How to improve: To improve, ensure that the discussion of each viewpoint is more balanced and supported with specific examples or evidence. Additionally, provide a clearer indication of your stance in the introduction to enhance coherence.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, stating a partial agreement with the view that boxing should be prohibited, but also recognizing its benefits.
- How to improve: To further strengthen clarity, explicitly state your position in the introduction and ensure that each body paragraph consistently supports this stance with relevant arguments and evidence.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks in-depth development and support. It briefly mentions points regarding the dangers of boxing and its benefits without providing extensive elaboration or evidence.
- How to improve: Extend each idea by providing specific examples, statistics, or studies to support your claims. Additionally, consider discussing potential counterarguments and addressing them to strengthen the overall argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by discussing the issue of whether boxing should be banned due to safety concerns.
- How to improve: To enhance relevance, avoid tangential discussions such as the effects of violent TV programs on children. Focus on directly addressing the implications of banning boxing on both the professional and amateur levels.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and maintains a coherent argument, there is room for improvement in providing more balanced and supported viewpoints, clearer positioning, deeper analysis of ideas, and maintaining focus on the topic.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of ideas. It follows a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs presenting contrasting viewpoints, and a conclusion. Each paragraph discusses a distinct aspect of the argument, with the first addressing reasons for banning boxing and the second presenting arguments in favor of allowing it. However, within paragraphs, the logical progression of ideas could be improved. For instance, in the first body paragraph, the discussion shifts from the dangers of boxing to its negative influence on children’s behavior without a smooth transition.
- How to improve: To enhance logical coherence, ensure that each paragraph maintains a clear focus on a single aspect of the argument. Use transitional phrases or sentences to smoothly connect ideas within paragraphs. For example, in the first body paragraph, after discussing the physical dangers of boxing, transition smoothly to the discussion on its negative impact on children’s behavior by indicating the link between the two points.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to organize ideas, with distinct sections for the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the argument, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay. However, some paragraphs could be further developed to provide more depth and coherence. For instance, the second body paragraph briefly mentions the benefits of boxing without fully exploring or supporting these claims.
- How to improve: Aim to develop each paragraph fully by providing sufficient explanation, evidence, and analysis to support the argument. In the second body paragraph, expand on the health benefits of boxing by providing specific examples or studies that demonstrate how boxing can improve cardiovascular health and relieve stress. This will enhance the coherence and persuasiveness of the argument.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate use of cohesive devices to link ideas and maintain coherence. Transitional phrases such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" are used to indicate shifts between contrasting viewpoints. Additionally, pronouns and conjunctions are used to connect sentences within paragraphs. However, there is room for improvement in the diversity and sophistication of cohesive devices used.
- How to improve: Expand the range of cohesive devices used to include a variety of transition words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "conversely," and "in addition." These cohesive devices can help to create smoother transitions between ideas and improve the overall coherence of the essay. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used consistently and appropriately throughout the essay to maintain coherence and clarity.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory range of vocabulary, incorporating terms such as "prohibited," "fatal," "paralysis," "unrestricted," "convincing," "cardiovascular health," and "adrenaline." However, there is room for improvement in the variety and sophistication of vocabulary used. For instance, synonyms or alternative expressions could enhance lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To broaden the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating synonyms or more nuanced expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "boxing," variations like "pugilism" or "the sweet science" could add variety. Additionally, exploring more specialized terms related to sports injuries or psychological effects could enrich the vocabulary further.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary with reasonable precision. For example, terms like "fatal," "paralysis," and "unrestricted" are used appropriately to convey specific meanings. However, some instances of imprecise vocabulary usage are evident, such as "partly agree," which could be clarified to indicate the degree of agreement more precisely.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, strive for clarity in expression and avoid ambiguous terms. Instead of "partly agree," specify the extent of agreement or disagreement more precisely, such as "moderately agree" or "partially disagree." Additionally, ensure that each term used accurately reflects the intended meaning to avoid ambiguity.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy in the essay is generally acceptable, with no glaring errors observed. However, there are minor spelling inaccuracies, such as "fits" instead of "fists," "negatively affects" instead of "negative effects," and "create adrenaline" instead of "produces adrenaline."
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider reviewing and proofreading the essay carefully to catch any minor spelling errors. Additionally, utilizing spell-checking tools and practicing spelling of commonly misspelled words can help improve accuracy further.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. Simple sentences are predominant, with some attempts at complex structures, such as "First, boxing could be fatal for those who participated in playing sports" and "A possible explanation is that when watching violent programs on TV, children have a tendency to imitate violent activities which put them in some dangers." However, more sophisticated structures like conditional sentences or inverted syntax are lacking.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, consider incorporating a broader variety of sentence types, such as compound-complex sentences or rhetorical devices like parallelism and inversion. For instance, instead of solely relying on simple sentences to present arguments, integrate more complex constructions to add depth and sophistication to the essay’s expression.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a commendable level of grammatical accuracy, with few noticeable errors. However, there are instances of grammatical issues, such as subject-verb agreement ("boxing was a sport that helped individual[s] to practice physical strength") and awkward phrasing ("boxing also brings negatively affects on children’s behaviors"). Additionally, there are punctuation errors, like missing commas after introductory phrases and in compound sentences.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on ensuring subject-verb agreement and refining sentence structure for clarity. Pay close attention to punctuation rules, particularly the use of commas for clarity and coherence. Engaging in regular practice with sentence structure and punctuation through exercises and writing tasks can help solidify these skills.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid grasp of grammar and a moderate range of sentence structures, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence patterns and refining grammatical accuracy for more effective communication.

Bài sửa mẫu

From ancient times, boxing has been a sport that individuals used to enhance their physical strength. However, many people argue that it should be banned due to its violence, both for professionals and beginners. Personally, I partially agree with this perspective, and I will outline my reasons below.

On one hand, I agree that boxing should be prohibited. Firstly, boxing can be life-threatening for participants. When struck in the head, players may experience paralysis, permanent injuries, or even death. According to a comprehensive survey by the American Journal of Sports Medicine, the injury rate in boxing is notably high, with an average of 50 injuries reported per 1000 hours of exposure. Secondly, boxing can negatively impact children’s behavior. Exposure to violent programs on TV can lead children to imitate violent activities, putting them in danger. Research indicates that exposure to violence in sports at a young age can increase aggressive behaviors.

On the other hand, it is undeniable that participation in boxing should not be restricted. One compelling argument is that sports players can gain several health benefits. Boxing requires determination and regular practice, which can improve cardiovascular health and concentration. Additionally, individuals can release stress through boxing, as it generates adrenaline, reducing sadness and mood swings. Statistics indicate that 33% of those who participate in boxing feel happy and satisfied with their lives.

In conclusion, although boxing should be banned due to its dangers and negative effects, I believe that engaging in boxing is essential for both physical and mental well-being.