The chart below gives information about the most common sports played in New Zealand in 2002. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main fatures, and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart illustrates the percentage distribution of several sports engagement across two genders in New Zealand during the year 2002.
Overall, there was a pronounced tendency of sports playing observed among the males. In addition, while most girls participated in Netball, the opposite was true to Cricket.
A closer examination unveils that in 2002, the proportion of female Netball players was the highest, standing at a notable 25% plus, followed closely by the figure for female swimmers, while the engagement of males in these two sports was much less noticeable, at merely 1% and 13% respectively. Furthermore, up to 10% of girls played other sports, whose category recorded a remarkable difference in comparison with the boys counterpart, mirroring the similar tendency in basketball and tennis. Likewise, the data for the rest of surveyed sports were under 5%.
Analyzing the inclination toward sports of boys, it was observed that the majority of male gender participated in soccer, which was five times greater compared to the female counterpart, reflecting the same trend seen in marital arts and cricket. Moreover, while the percentage of boys playing other sports was two times greater than girls, the gap between two genders in basketball and tennis was less notable. Netball and athletics received the least propensity of male engagement.

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Errors and Improvements:

"pronounced tendency" -> "marked propensity"
Explanation: "Pronounced tendency" is a common phrase, but "marked propensity" provides a more sophisticated and precise description, enhancing the formal tone of the essay.
"Notable 25% plus" -> "Significant 25% and above"
Explanation: "Notable 25% plus" is somewhat colloquial. Replacing it with "significant 25% and above" maintains clarity while using a more formal and precise expression.
"much less noticeable" -> "considerably less conspicuous"
Explanation: "Much less noticeable" is a bit informal. "Considerably less conspicuous" offers a more formal and refined alternative, aligning better with the academic tone of the essay.
"remarkable difference" -> "significant disparity"
Explanation: While "remarkable difference" is not incorrect, "significant disparity" conveys a more precise and formal tone, which is suitable for academic writing.
"surveyed sports" -> "studied sports"
Explanation: "Surveyed sports" is acceptable but "studied sports" is more formal and commonly used in academic contexts.
"reflecting the same trend seen in marital arts" -> "echoing the trend observed in martial arts"
Explanation: "Reflecting the same trend seen" is somewhat redundant and can be replaced with "echoing the trend observed," which is more concise and elegant.
"propensity of male engagement" -> "participation of males"
Explanation: "Propensity of male engagement" is a bit convoluted. "Participation of males" is simpler and clearer, enhancing readability.
"Netball and athletics" -> "Netball and track and field"
Explanation: While "athletics" is technically correct, using "track and field" provides a more specific and formal term, improving precision and clarity.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay adequately addresses the requirements of the task by providing an overview of the main sports played by gender in New Zealand in 2002. It highlights key features such as the prevalence of certain sports among males and females, and it makes relevant comparisons between the genders. However, the details provided could be more accurate and relevant, and some information lacks clarity. For instance, the description of the percentages could be clearer, and there are minor inaccuracies in stating that basketball and tennis showed similar gender tendencies. Additionally, the essay could benefit from more extended development of some points.

How to improve: To improve, ensure that all details provided are accurate and relevant. Provide clearer descriptions of the percentages and avoid minor inaccuracies. Extend the discussion of key points to provide a more thorough analysis. Additionally, focus on maintaining a consistent level of clarity throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay presents information in a generally coherent manner with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. There is an attempt to logically organize the information, with separate paragraphs discussing the sports engagement of males and females. The writer attempts to use cohesive devices such as transitional phrases ("Overall," "Furthermore," "Moreover") to connect ideas, but some sentences lack clarity due to faulty or mechanical cohesion. For instance, the phrase "up to 10% of girls played other sports, whose category recorded a remarkable difference in comparison with the boys counterpart" is somewhat awkward and could be clearer. Additionally, while paragraphing is attempted, it could be more logically structured for better coherence.

How to improve:

Enhance clarity in sentence structure to improve cohesion.
Ensure logical progression within and between paragraphs.
Use cohesive devices more effectively to establish clear connections between ideas.
Refine paragraphing to create a more organized and cohesive essay structure.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary, covering various sports and their participation rates. The writer attempts to use less common vocabulary such as "propensity" and "counterpart," but there are some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, which slightly impede the flow of the essay. Additionally, there are occasional errors in word formation and spelling, such as "marital arts" instead of "martial arts."

How to improve: To improve lexical resource, focus on using more precise and appropriate vocabulary throughout the essay. Pay attention to word choice and collocation to ensure fluency and accuracy. Proofreading for spelling and word formation errors will also enhance clarity and communication. Additionally, expanding the range of vocabulary and refining its usage will contribute to a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures, incorporating a variety of grammatical forms. There is a reasonable attempt at using complex sentences, although some simplifications are evident. The essay communicates the main features of the chart effectively, presenting an overview of the sports engagement among genders in New Zealand in 2002.

How to improve: To improve the grammatical range and accuracy, aim to incorporate more varied sentence structures, including more complex sentences where appropriate. Additionally, ensure greater accuracy in punctuation and grammar to minimize errors and enhance clarity. Reviewing and revising for clarity and precision can help in refining the expression of ideas.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided bar chart illustrates the distribution of sports participation between genders in New Zealand during the year 2002. Overall, there was a clear preference for sports among males, while certain sports showed distinct gender disparities.

Examining female participation, it is evident that Netball was the most popular sport, with over 25% of females engaging in it. Swimmers also represented a significant portion, albeit at a lower percentage compared to Netball, standing at approximately 13%. Additionally, around 10% of girls participated in other sports, marking a noticeable difference from the participation rates of boys. Similar trends were observed in basketball and tennis, where female involvement surpassed that of males. However, participation rates in these sports remained relatively low, each registering below 5%.

On the other hand, the majority of boys were inclined towards soccer, with participation rates approximately five times higher than that of girls. This trend was mirrored in martial arts and cricket as well. Furthermore, while the percentage of boys engaging in other sports was double that of girls, the disparity in participation between genders in basketball and tennis was less pronounced. Notably, Netball and athletics received the least attention from male participants.

In summary, the data from 2002 highlights a significant gender disparity in sports participation in New Zealand, with males showing a higher propensity for sports engagement compared to females.