the pie charts below show the online shopping sales for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013. summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant

The given charts illustrate the online revenues for four different types of commodities in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013.
Overall, the percentage of travel was highest in 2003, while that of film/music became most significant in 2013. Moreover, the decrease in the share of travel and clothes prompted the increase in the proportions of books and film/music.
In 2003, travel was the most dominant merchandise, with 36% but approximately one-fifth of the products purchased online were books, at 19%. Meanwhile, the demand for clothes was slightly higher than that for film/music, with 24% and 21%, respectively.
Subsequently, books and film/music gained more popularity, rising to 22% and 33% in 2013, in that order, whilst travel and clothes shrank their market share, falling to 16% and 29% in the same year. It can be seen that the data for film/music experienced the biggest change with a rise of 12% whereas the figure for books showed the smallest alteration, growing by 3% in a decade.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The given charts illustrate" -> "The charts provided illustrate"
Explanation: "The charts provided" is more precise and formal than "The given charts," which is somewhat informal and less specific.
"online revenues for four different types of commodities" -> "online sales of four distinct product categories"
Explanation: "Sales" is more specific and relevant to the context of commerce than "revenues," and "product categories" is a more precise term than "types of commodities."
"was highest" -> "was the highest"
Explanation: Adding "the" before "highest" corrects the grammatical structure and makes the phrase more formal.
"most significant" -> "most prominent"
Explanation: "Most prominent" is a more formal and academically appropriate term than "most significant," which can be vague and overly broad in this context.
"prompted the increase in the proportions" -> "led to an increase in the proportions"
Explanation: "Led to" is a more direct and formal causal connector than "prompted," which can be seen as slightly informal.
"merchandise" -> "products"
Explanation: "Products" is more commonly used in formal and academic writing to refer to goods sold, whereas "merchandise" can be less precise and slightly archaic.
"approximately one-fifth of the products" -> "approximately one-fifth of the total products"
Explanation: Adding "total" clarifies that the proportion refers to the entire set of products, enhancing precision.
"demand for clothes" -> "demand for clothing"
Explanation: "Clothing" is the correct plural form for the noun, and it is more formal than "clothes."
"Subsequently" -> "Subsequently"
Explanation: No change needed as "Subsequently" is correct and formal.
"gained more popularity" -> "increased in popularity"
Explanation: "Increased in popularity" is a more formal and precise way to describe the rise in demand or usage.
"shrank their market share" -> "contracted their market share"
Explanation: "Contracted" is a more formal and precise term than "shrank," which can be seen as colloquial.
"the biggest change" -> "the most significant change"
Explanation: "Most significant" is more formal and appropriate in an academic context than "biggest," which is less formal.
"growing by 3% in a decade" -> "increasing by 3% over a decade"
Explanation: "Increasing by 3% over a decade" is more formal and precise, specifying the period of time more clearly.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7

Explanation: The essay provides a clear overview of the main trends in online shopping sales in New Zealand between 2003 and 2013. It accurately identifies the most significant changes, such as the increase in film/music sales and the decrease in travel sales. The essay also highlights key features, such as the fact that books and film/music gained popularity while travel and clothes lost market share.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific details about the changes in each category. For example, the essay could state that travel sales decreased by 20% between 2003 and 2013, while film/music sales increased by 12%. The essay could also be improved by using more precise language. For example, instead of saying "the data for film/music experienced the biggest change," the essay could say "film/music sales increased the most."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay arranges information in a generally coherent manner with a clear overall progression from discussing 2003 to 2013 data. It effectively uses cohesive devices to link ideas within sentences and paragraphs, although some mechanical cohesion is evident (e.g., repetitive use of "in 2003" and "in 2013"). Paragraphing is used, but it could be more logically structured, especially in transitioning between different aspects of the data.

How to improve: To improve coherence and cohesion to reach a higher band score:

Paragraph Structure: Ensure each paragraph focuses clearly on a central topic related to the data (e.g., one paragraph for 2003 data and another for 2013 data).
Cohesive Devices: Use a wider variety of cohesive devices (e.g., pronouns, transitional phrases) to create smoother transitions between ideas and paragraphs.
Avoid Repetition: Minimize repetitive phrases by using synonyms or restructuring sentences to maintain cohesion without redundancy.

This would help to make the essay more cohesive and logically organized, aligning it more closely with the Band 7 descriptor.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary appropriate for the task. It effectively describes the main features of the charts and makes comparisons between the years 2003 and 2013. There is an attempt to use less common vocabulary such as "merchandise," "dominant," and "alteration." However, there are some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation that slightly affect the clarity and precision of meaning. For example, "the percentage of travel was highest" could be more precisely phrased as "the highest percentage was in travel." There are also minor errors in word formation, such as "merchandise" instead of "merchandises."

How to improve:
To improve the Lexical Resource score:

Precision and Accuracy: Ensure precise word choice and accurate collocation to convey meanings more effectively. Review phrases for clarity and correct grammatical structure.
Expand Vocabulary: Introduce more varied and sophisticated vocabulary where appropriate to enhance lexical diversity.
Proofread: Pay attention to word forms and spelling to avoid minor errors that can impact clarity.

Overall, while the essay effectively communicates the main trends and comparisons, enhancing lexical precision and variety will help achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a mix of both simple and complex sentence structures. There is an attempt to use a variety of sentence forms, including comparisons and descriptive statements. The overall grammar and punctuation are mostly accurate, although there are several instances where minor errors and awkward phrasings occur. The errors do not significantly hinder understanding but are noticeable in places.

How to improve:

Complex Sentence Structure: Try to incorporate more complex sentence structures to enhance the range and variety of sentences.
Grammar Accuracy: Pay closer attention to subject-verb agreement and sentence clarity to reduce minor errors.
Sentence Fluency: Aim for smoother transitions between sentences to improve overall coherence and readability.

Overall, the essay demonstrates competence in sentence construction and grammar usage but would benefit from a more consistent application of complex structures and improved accuracy to achieve a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided charts illustrate online sales for various retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013.

In 2003, travel dominated online sales with 36%, followed by clothes at 24%, books at 19%, and film/music at 21%. Over the decade, there was a notable shift in consumer preferences. By 2013, film/music took the lead with 33%, surpassing clothes at 29%, books at 22%, and travel at 16%.

The most significant change occurred in the film/music category, which saw a substantial increase of 12%, while books experienced the smallest increase, growing by 3%. During the same period, the shares of travel and clothes decreased, contributing to the rise in the popularity of books and film/music.

Overall, the data illustrates a clear shift in consumer behavior towards digital content such as film and music, while traditional sectors like travel and clothing saw a decline in their online market share.