The graph shows the average Japanese monthly salary (Yen) from 1970 to 2000, and the price of Black and white televisions and color televisions during the same period.

The graph illustrates the regular income per month and the costs of two types of televisions in Japan between 1970 and 2000.
As shown by this graph, the price of Black & White television was recorded at 110 Yen, as opposed to the Japanese’s usual earnings with a negligible amount. The color television appeared with a competitive price, the fluctuated figure around 100 Yen, while The Black & White one showed significant decreases. Both then experienced declining trends in the following ten years; by contrast, the salary for a month rose dramatically.
Regarding to the previous trend, the income had then seen a noticeable rise by 1990, overtaking the Black & White television respectively. Both types of television continued to fall steadily with similar degrees. The figure for the average earnings showed remarkable rises, reaching the peak of 65 Yen in the final year.
Overall, the figure for Japanese salary observed dramatic growth; on the contrary, the value of Black & White and color TV fell by similar degrees over the period surveyed.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The graph illustrates" -> "The graph depicts"
Explanation: "Depicts" is a more precise and formal term than "illustrates" in the context of presenting data in a graph, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.
"regular income per month" -> "monthly income"
Explanation: "Monthly income" is a more commonly used and precise term in economic and financial contexts, making it more suitable for academic writing.
"the costs of two types of televisions" -> "the prices of two television types"
Explanation: "Prices" is more specific and appropriate in this context, as it directly relates to the monetary values discussed in the graph. Using "types" instead of "types of" also streamlines the phrase.
"Japanese’s" -> "Japanese"
Explanation: The possessive form "Japanese’s" is incorrect; "Japanese" should be used as an adjective to describe the earnings.
"a negligible amount" -> "a minimal amount"
Explanation: "Minimal" is a more precise and academically appropriate term than "negligible," which can imply insignificance or non-existence, which is not accurate in this context.
"fluctuated figure" -> "fluctuating prices"
Explanation: "Fluctuating prices" is a more accurate and natural way to describe the changing values of the televisions over time.
"The Black & White one" -> "the Black and White television"
Explanation: "The Black and White television" is grammatically correct and clearer than the informal "The Black & White one."
"significant decreases" -> "significant decline"
Explanation: "Decline" is a more commonly used term in academic and economic contexts to describe a decrease in value or quantity.
"Regarding to" -> "Regarding"
Explanation: "Regarding" should not be followed by "to," as it is an adverbial phrase that should be used independently.
"the income had then seen a noticeable rise" -> "income subsequently increased noticeably"
Explanation: "Income subsequently increased noticeably" is more formal and avoids the awkward construction of "the income had then seen."
"overtaking the Black & White television respectively" -> "surpassing the price of Black and White televisions"
Explanation: "Surpassing the price of Black and White televisions" is more precise and avoids the awkward and informal "overtaking the Black & White television respectively."
"Both types of television continued to fall steadily with similar degrees" -> "Both types of television continued to decline at similar rates"
Explanation: "Decline at similar rates" is more specific and academically appropriate than "fall steadily with similar degrees," which is vague and less formal.
"The figure for the average earnings showed remarkable rises" -> "The average earnings figure showed significant increases"
Explanation: "The average earnings figure showed significant increases" corrects the awkward phrasing and uses "significant increases," which is more precise and formal.
"the value of Black & White and color TV" -> "the prices of Black and White and color televisions"
Explanation: "Prices" is more specific and appropriate in this context, and "televisions" is grammatically correct and more formal than "TV."
"fell by similar degrees" -> "decreased by similar amounts"
Explanation: "Decreased by similar amounts" is more precise and formal, aligning better with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task, but the format is inappropriate in places. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay also presents some inaccurate information, such as the statement that the price of black and white televisions was recorded at 110 Yen.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends in the data. The essay should also be more accurate in its presentation of the data. For example, the essay should state that the price of black and white televisions fell from 110,000 Yen to 40,000 Yen between 1970 and 1980. The essay should also avoid making subjective statements, such as "the price of color television appeared with a competitive price." Instead, the essay should focus on presenting the data objectively.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay presents some organization by introducing the topic and summarizing key trends in the graph. There is an attempt to organize information chronologically, mentioning trends from 1970 to 2000. However, the progression of ideas lacks clarity and coherence. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate; some sentences are unclear and repetitive ("The Black & White one showed significant decreases"). Paragraphing is attempted but lacks logical coherence between paragraphs.

How to improve:

Clearer Organization: Ensure a clearer chronological and logical progression of ideas. Present the information in a more structured manner, perhaps by discussing each decade separately.
Cohesive Devices: Use a wider range of cohesive devices (such as pronouns, conjunctions, transitional phrases) to better connect ideas within and between sentences.
Paragraph Structure: Ensure each paragraph has a clear central topic and logically connects to the next. This helps in maintaining coherence and cohesion throughout the essay.

Improving these aspects will help elevate the coherence and cohesion of the essay, aiming for a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary appropriate to describe the trends in the graph, though it sometimes lacks precision and clarity. There are noticeable errors in word choice and collocation that occasionally hinder understanding. For instance, phrases like "Japanese’s usual earnings with a negligible amount" are unclear and could be improved for better coherence.

How to improve:

Increase Vocabulary Range: Incorporate a broader variety of vocabulary to describe trends and comparisons more precisely.
Improve Accuracy in Word Choice: Avoid ambiguous or unclear phrases that may confuse the reader.
Enhance Clarity and Coherence: Ensure that each sentence contributes clearly to the overall message of the essay, focusing on clarity of expression.

Improving these areas would elevate the lexical resource score to a higher band level.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an attempt at using a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, but there are numerous errors in grammar and punctuation throughout the text. For example, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("the costs of two types of televisions"), incorrect verb tense usage ("was recorded at 110 Yen"), misuse of articles ("the Japanese’s usual earnings"), and inconsistent capitalization ("Black & White television"). Additionally, sentence structure lacks clarity in several places, making the meaning difficult to follow.

How to improve:

Grammar and Punctuation: Focus on improving accuracy in grammar and punctuation. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and correct article usage.
Sentence Structure: Strive for clearer and more coherent sentence structures. Avoid overly complex sentences if they lead to errors or confusion.
Vocabulary and Expression: Work on vocabulary use and expression to enhance clarity and precision in conveying ideas.
Proofreading: Always proofread your writing to catch errors and improve overall coherence and readability.

Bài sửa mẫu

The graph presents data on average monthly salaries in Japan from 1970 to 2000, alongside the prices of Black & White and color televisions during the same period.

Initially, the price of Black & White televisions started at 110 Yen, considerably higher than the average monthly salary, which was negligible. In contrast, color televisions entered the market at a competitive price, fluctuating around 100 Yen. Subsequently, Black & White television prices saw a significant decline, whereas color television prices remained relatively stable. Both types of television experienced gradual decreases over the following decade.

Conversely, average monthly salaries in Japan exhibited a notable increase by 1990, surpassing the cost of Black & White televisions. Throughout the period, both types of television continued to decrease steadily, showing similar trends in their price reductions. Average salaries demonstrated remarkable growth, peaking at 65 Yen by the end of the surveyed period.

In summary, Japanese monthly salaries witnessed substantial growth, whereas the prices of Black & White and color televisions decreased similarly over the surveyed period.