The graph shows information about three categories of workers in Australia and the level of unemployment within those categories

While the pie chart depicts the information about 3 groups workers in Australia, the line chart illustrates the unemployed proportions between 1993 and 2003.
Upon examining the data, it is evident that the percentage of work force was born in Australia made up the largest rates. Additionally, all categories of unemployed people witness a downward tendency, whereas that of those was born in non-English speaking nations remained the highest figure over the reported years.
As we can be seen from the pie chart, the proportion of workers was born in Australia and decided to stay their country occupy the largest at 70%, followed by that of labours who live in non -English-speaking countries at 14%. Beside that, the figure for employees in English-speaking nations accounted for 10%, which was the minority figure in surveyed years.
Turning to the line graph, the number of unemployed people who was born in Australia and English-speaking countries experience a slight decrease to 2.5 and 1.5, respectively. Remarkably, the figure for non-English- speaking nations followed a similar trend, with declining significantly from 7 to 3, which was took the lion’s share between 1993 to 2003.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"the line chart illustrates the unemployed proportions" -> "the line chart depicts the unemployment rates"
Explanation: "Depicts" is a more precise verb for visual representations like charts, and "unemployment rates" is a more formal and specific term than "unemployed proportions."
"the percentage of work force was born in Australia made up the largest rates" -> "the proportion of the workforce born in Australia comprised the largest percentage"
Explanation: "Comprised" is more appropriate for describing the composition of a group, and "percentage" should be used to describe the proportion, not "rates."
"all categories of unemployed people witness a downward tendency" -> "all categories of unemployed individuals exhibit a downward trend"
Explanation: "Exhibit" is more formal than "witness," and "trend" is the correct term for describing a continuous pattern of change over time.
"that of those was born in non-English speaking nations remained the highest figure" -> "those born in non-English-speaking countries maintained the highest figures"
Explanation: "Maintained" is more precise and formal than "remained," and "figures" should be plural to match the context.
"As we can be seen from the pie chart" -> "As evident from the pie chart"
Explanation: "As evident" is more concise and academically appropriate than "As we can be seen from."
"the proportion of workers was born in Australia and decided to stay their country" -> "the proportion of workers born in Australia and remaining in the country"
Explanation: "Remaining in the country" is more precise and grammatically correct than "decided to stay their country."
"Beside that" -> "Furthermore"
Explanation: "Furthermore" is a more formal transitional phrase suitable for academic writing than "Beside that."
"the figure for employees in English-speaking nations accounted for 10%" -> "the proportion of employees in English-speaking nations was 10%"
Explanation: "Was" is more appropriate for describing a state or condition, and "proportion" is the correct term for describing a part of a whole.
"which was the minority figure in surveyed years" -> "which represented the smallest proportion during the surveyed period"
Explanation: "Represented" is more precise and formal than "accounted for," and "during the surveyed period" is more specific than "in surveyed years."
"the number of unemployed people who was born in Australia and English-speaking countries experience a slight decrease" -> "the number of unemployed individuals born in Australia and English-speaking countries experienced a slight decrease"
Explanation: "Experienced" is the correct verb form, and "individuals" is more formal than "people."
"Remarkably, the figure for non-English- speaking nations followed a similar trend, with declining significantly from 7 to 3, which was took the lion’s share between 1993 to 2003" -> "Notably, the figure for non-English-speaking nations also exhibited a similar trend, decreasing significantly from 7 to 3, and remained the dominant figure between 1993 and 2003"
Explanation: "Notably" is a more formal alternative to "Remarkably," and "exhibited" is more appropriate than "followed." "Decreasing" is the correct form of "declining," and "remained the dominant figure" is more precise than "took the lion’s share."

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay attempts to address the task by providing an overview of the information presented in the pie chart and line graph. However, the essay does not present a clear overview of the main trends in the data. The essay also presents some inaccurate information, such as stating that the unemployment rate for workers born in non-English-speaking countries "declined significantly from 7 to 3". The actual decline is from 7% to 3%.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends in the data. The essay should also be more accurate in its presentation of the data. For example, the essay could state that the unemployment rate for workers born in non-English-speaking countries declined from 7% to 3% between 1993 and 2003. The essay could also be improved by using more precise language to describe the trends in the data. For example, instead of saying that the unemployment rate for workers born in Australia "experienced a slight decrease", the essay could say that the unemployment rate for workers born in Australia decreased from 4% to 2.5% between 1993 and 2003.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates some attempt at coherence and cohesion but falls short in several key areas. There are noticeable issues with coherence as the ideas are not arranged logically or with clear progression. The introduction lacks clarity and coherence, and there is minimal structuring of paragraphs. Cohesive devices are used incorrectly and inconsistently, leading to repetitive phrasing and unclear relationships between ideas. Paragraphing is inadequate and does not contribute to the overall organization of the essay.

How to improve:

Logical Organization: Ensure that ideas are logically sequenced and there is a clear progression throughout the essay. Start with a clear introduction that outlines what will be discussed.
Cohesive Devices: Use cohesive devices accurately and appropriately to connect ideas within sentences and paragraphs. Avoid repetitive use and ensure each device contributes to coherence.
Paragraphing: Structure the essay into coherent paragraphs with clear topic sentences. Each paragraph should focus on a central idea related to the topic.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve greater coherence and cohesion, leading to a more organized and effective response.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates basic vocabulary usage appropriate for the task, but it lacks variety and sophistication. There are noticeable errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation throughout the essay, which could strain the reader’s comprehension. For instance, errors like "those was born," "live in non -English-speaking countries," and "which was took the lion’s share" detract from clarity and precision.

How to improve:
To improve the Lexical Resource score to a higher band, the writer should focus on diversifying vocabulary to include more precise and appropriate terms. Paying attention to grammatical accuracy, especially in word formation and collocation, would also strengthen the essay. Proofreading for spelling errors and ensuring the correct use of articles and prepositions would contribute to clearer communication.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.5

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an attempt to use a mix of simple and complex sentence structures. There is an effort to vary sentence forms, although errors in grammar and punctuation are frequent and noticeable throughout the essay. The essay attempts to convey ideas but is hindered by numerous grammatical mistakes and inaccuracies. While some complex sentences are attempted, they often lack accuracy, impacting clarity and coherence.

How to improve:

Grammar and Accuracy: Focus on improving grammatical accuracy, particularly in verb tense consistency and subject-verb agreement.
Sentence Structure: Aim for a more consistent use of complex sentence structures with clarity and accuracy.
Punctuation: Pay attention to punctuation rules, especially regarding commas and capitalization.
Clarity and Coherence: Ensure that each sentence contributes clearly to the overall message of the essay, avoiding unclear or awkward phrasing.

Improving these areas will help in achieving higher band scores by enhancing the clarity, accuracy, and overall effectiveness of the essay in meeting the criteria for grammatical range and accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

Certainly! Here’s the improved version of the IELTS Task 1 report:

The given figures present data on three distinct categories of workers in Australia as well as the levels of unemployment within these groups from 1993 to 2003. The information is displayed through a pie chart and a line graph.

Firstly, according to the pie chart, the majority of the workforce, comprising 70%, consists of native-born Australians who choose to reside in their homeland. In contrast, workers from non-English-speaking countries constitute 14% of the total, while those from English-speaking nations make up the smallest segment at 10%.

Turning to the line graph, it is evident that unemployment rates varied among these groups over the period. Initially, unemployment among native-born Australians and English-speaking immigrants started at 2.5% and 1.5% respectively in 1993, both experiencing a slight decrease to 1.5% and 1% by 2003. Conversely, unemployment among non-English-speaking immigrants, which began at 7% in 1993, saw a significant decline to 3% by 2003, maintaining the highest rate throughout the period under review.

In conclusion, the data illustrates a consistent decrease in unemployment across all categories over the decade, with disparities remaining notably higher among immigrants from non-English-speaking backgrounds.

This revised version maintains the original data points and structure while enhancing clarity, coherence, and grammatical accuracy for an IELTS Task 1 response.