Some people think that good health is a basic human need, so medical services should not be run by profit-making companies. Do the advantages of private health care outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Some people think that good health is a basic human need, so medical services should not be run by profit-making companies.
Do the advantages of private health care outweigh the disadvantages?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

It is believed that health related problems should not be treated by profit-driven organizations. However, I believe that the advantages of private healthcare will overshadow the disadvantages with cutting-edge technology and high concentration on patients.

It is usually concerned that the expensive cost of private services is based on bad intentions. Profit motives can lead to institutions deliberate in many health check services and complex procedures. Also, many companies will intentionally raise their price in order to compete with their opponents for brand values and wealthy customers. Therefore, this can become financial burden on households to pay for all these services. However, these critics don’t apply to all situations, in fact, except for the most extreme situations, many private companies still provide healthcare that are adopted with general moral values under rigorous censorship.

I firmly believe that profit-making companies have significant benefits due to it advanced technology and personalized treatment. Private institutions usually invest in many high quality services and equipment, employ skilled professionals and ensure the hospitality and friendly attitudes, therefore patients have access to the best temporary facility and quick healthcare if there are any problems. Moreover, each patient will have private health treatment that is suitable with their conditions, they can recover quickly and limit the side effects or any damage on their physical bodies. For example, research show that the proportion of death in most of private hospitals is usually lower than that in normal one.

In conclusion, although profit-driven organizations may have some drawbacks, I believe that it doesn’t surpass the significant benefits in curing patients’ health due to its modern equipment and private treatment.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "health related problems" -> "health-related issues"
   Explanation: The hyphenation "health-related" is more commonly used in formal writing to denote a connection between health and the issues discussed, enhancing the academic tone.

2. "should not be treated by" -> "should not be managed by"
   Explanation: "Managed" is a more precise term in the context of healthcare, implying a more comprehensive and organized approach, which is more suitable for an academic discussion.

3. "profit-driven organizations" -> "commercial entities"
   Explanation: "Commercial entities" is a more formal and precise term that avoids the colloquial connotation of "profit-driven," aligning better with academic style.

4. "cutting-edge technology" -> "advanced technology"
   Explanation: "Advanced" is a more neutral and academically appropriate term compared to "cutting-edge," which can sound overly promotional.

5. "high concentration on patients" -> "focused attention on patients"
   Explanation: "Focused attention" is a more precise and formal phrase that better conveys the idea of dedicated care, improving the academic tone.

6. "It is usually concerned that" -> "It is often argued that"
   Explanation: "It is often argued that" is a more formal and academically appropriate way to introduce a common viewpoint or criticism.

7. "deliberate in many health check services and complex procedures" -> "engage in numerous health check services and complex procedures"
   Explanation: "Engage in" is more precise and formal than "deliberate in," which is awkward and unclear in this context.

8. "intentionally raise their price" -> "intentionally increase their prices"
   Explanation: "Increase their prices" is grammatically correct and more formal than "raise their price," which is singular and less precise.

9. "financial burden on households" -> "financial burden on families"
   Explanation: "Families" is a more specific and formal term than "households," which is somewhat vague and less commonly used in academic writing.

10. "adopted with general moral values" -> "guided by general moral principles"
    Explanation: "Guided by general moral principles" is a clearer and more formal expression, enhancing the academic tone.

11. "due to it advanced technology" -> "due to its advanced technology"
    Explanation: Corrects the possessive error from "it" to "its," ensuring grammatical accuracy.

12. "private health treatment that is suitable with their conditions" -> "private health treatments tailored to their conditions"
    Explanation: "Tailored to their conditions" is a more precise and formal way to describe customized healthcare, improving the academic quality of the sentence.

13. "research show" -> "research shows"
    Explanation: Corrects the verb agreement error from "show" to "shows," aligning with the singular subject "research."

14. "normal one" -> "standard hospitals"
    Explanation: "Standard hospitals" is a more precise and formal term than "normal one," which is vague and informal.

15. "it doesn’t surpass" -> "it does not surpass"
    Explanation: Corrects the contraction "it doesn’t" to "it does not" for formal writing standards.

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of private healthcare. The writer acknowledges concerns about profit motives leading to increased costs and unnecessary procedures, which reflects an understanding of the disadvantages. However, the discussion of disadvantages is somewhat limited and lacks depth. The advantages are more thoroughly explored, particularly in terms of technology and personalized care, which aligns well with the prompt’s request to weigh the pros and cons.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should provide a more balanced analysis by elaborating on the disadvantages of private healthcare. This could include discussing potential inequalities in access to care, the impact of profit motives on patient care, or ethical concerns surrounding profit-driven healthcare. Including specific examples or statistics could strengthen this section.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The writer presents a clear position that the advantages of private healthcare outweigh the disadvantages. This stance is maintained throughout the essay, particularly in the conclusion. However, the transition between discussing disadvantages and advantages could be smoother to reinforce the overall argument.
  • How to improve: To maintain clarity and consistency, the writer could use clearer transitional phrases when moving from discussing disadvantages to advantages. Additionally, reiterating the main argument in the body paragraphs could help reinforce the position.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas related to the advantages of private healthcare, such as advanced technology and personalized treatment. However, some points lack sufficient development. For example, the claim that private hospitals have lower death rates is mentioned but not supported with specific data or references, which weakens the argument.
  • How to improve: To improve the support for ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed explanations and examples. Incorporating relevant statistics, studies, or real-world examples would enhance the credibility of the claims made. Additionally, expanding on the implications of these advantages for patients could provide a more comprehensive view.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the advantages and disadvantages of private healthcare. However, there are moments where the discussion becomes slightly vague or strays into generalizations, such as the statement about "bad intentions" of profit motives without specific context.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each point made directly relates back to the prompt. Avoiding vague statements and instead providing specific examples or scenarios will help keep the discussion relevant and grounded in the topic. Additionally, a clearer structure with distinct paragraphs for advantages and disadvantages could enhance coherence.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, it would benefit from deeper analysis, more specific examples, and improved transitions to achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization with a clear introduction, body paragraphs discussing advantages and disadvantages, and a concise conclusion. The introduction sets up the argument clearly, discussing both viewpoints. Each body paragraph focuses on either advantages or disadvantages, supporting them with relevant examples and arguments. The conclusion effectively summarizes the author’s opinion without introducing new information.
  • How to improve: To further enhance logical flow, ensure that each paragraph maintains a cohesive focus on its main point. Consider refining transitions between paragraphs to improve the overall coherence. For instance, clearer topic sentences and linking expressions could strengthen the connection between ideas and paragraphs.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to structure the argument. Each paragraph addresses a distinct point, such as the advantages and disadvantages of private healthcare. However, there are moments where paragraphing could be more refined. For instance, some paragraphs could be more tightly focused on specific aspects of the argument rather than attempting to cover multiple ideas.
  • How to improve: Focus on developing each paragraph around a single main idea related to the prompt. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that introduces the main point, followed by supporting details or examples. Consider breaking longer paragraphs into smaller ones to improve readability and clarity.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices to connect ideas within and between sentences. Examples include cohesive devices such as "however," "therefore," "in conclusion," and pronouns to maintain coherence and progression of ideas. These devices contribute to the overall coherence of the essay.
  • How to improve: Continue to use a range of cohesive devices effectively, ensuring that their use enhances rather than interrupts the flow of the argument. Consider integrating more advanced cohesive devices such as parallel structures or more varied linking words to add sophistication to the essay’s coherence.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid organizational structure and effective use of paragraphs and cohesive devices, refining these elements further could elevate the coherence and cohesion to an even higher level, potentially reaching an 8 band score. Focus on maintaining clear paragraph structure, enhancing transitions between paragraphs, and diversifying cohesive devices for improved clarity and coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "cutting-edge technology," "profit-driven organizations," and "personalized treatment." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly in the use of "healthcare" and "private." This limits the overall lexical variety and richness of the essay. For instance, the phrase "high quality services" could be enhanced with synonyms like "premium services" or "superior care."
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. Instead of repeating "private healthcare," alternatives like "privately-operated medical services" or "for-profit health institutions" could be used. Additionally, using more advanced adjectives and adverbs would enrich the text.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: While the essay includes some precise vocabulary, there are instances of imprecise usage that can lead to confusion. For example, the phrase "institutions deliberate in many health check services" is unclear; it seems to suggest that institutions are intentionally misleading, which may not be the intended meaning. The phrase "financial burden on households" is appropriate, but the term "bad intentions" is vague and could be more specifically articulated.
  • How to improve: The writer should focus on clarity and specificity in word choice. Instead of "bad intentions," a more precise term could be "exploitative practices." Additionally, rephrasing unclear sentences for better clarity would enhance the overall quality of the essay. For example, the sentence could be revised to say, "Profit motives can lead institutions to prioritize unnecessary health checks and complex procedures."

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors that detract from its overall quality. For instance, "it advanced technology" should be "its advanced technology," and "the proportion of death" should be "the proportion of deaths." These errors indicate a lack of attention to detail and can affect the reader’s understanding.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help identify errors. Additionally, practicing commonly misspelled words and reviewing grammatical structures can enhance overall writing precision.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling are necessary to achieve a higher band score in Lexical Resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of phrases like "I believe that the advantages of private healthcare will overshadow the disadvantages" showcases a complex structure that effectively conveys the writer’s opinion. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings, such as starting multiple sentences with "private" or "many," which can detract from the overall variety.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more introductory phrases or clauses. For example, instead of repeatedly starting sentences with "private," the writer could use alternatives like "In private healthcare settings," or "When considering private institutions," to introduce ideas. Additionally, varying the length of sentences can enhance the rhythm of the writing.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are several noticeable errors that affect clarity. For example, the phrase "the expensive cost of private services is based on bad intentions" could be clearer if rephrased to "the high costs associated with private services may stem from profit-driven motives." Furthermore, the sentence "these critics don’t apply to all situations" lacks clarity and could be more effectively expressed as "However, these criticisms do not apply universally." Punctuation is mostly correct, but there are instances where commas could enhance readability, such as before conjunctions in compound sentences.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for common errors, such as subject-verb agreement and clarity in phrasing. For instance, the phrase "due to it advanced technology" should be corrected to "due to its advanced technology." Additionally, practicing the use of commas in complex sentences can help improve punctuation skills. The writer could benefit from reviewing grammar rules related to possessive forms and the use of commas in lists or before conjunctions.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, addressing the identified weaknesses will help elevate the score further.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is believed that health-related problems should not be treated by profit-driven organizations. However, I believe that the advantages of private healthcare will overshadow the disadvantages due to cutting-edge technology and a high concentration on patients.

It is usually a concern that the expensive cost of private services is based on bad intentions. Profit motives can lead to institutions deliberately engaging in numerous health check services and complex procedures. Also, many companies will intentionally raise their prices in order to compete with their opponents for brand value and wealthy customers. Therefore, this can become a financial burden on households to pay for all these services. However, these critics don’t apply to all situations; in fact, except for the most extreme cases, many private companies still provide healthcare that is guided by general moral principles under rigorous scrutiny.

I firmly believe that profit-making companies have significant benefits due to their advanced technology and personalized treatment. Private institutions usually invest in many high-quality services and equipment, employ skilled professionals, and ensure hospitality and friendly attitudes. Therefore, patients have access to the best temporary facilities and quick healthcare if there are any problems. Moreover, each patient will have private health treatments tailored to their conditions, allowing them to recover quickly and limit the side effects or any damage to their physical bodies. For example, research shows that the proportion of deaths in most private hospitals is usually lower than that in standard hospitals.

In conclusion, although profit-driven organizations may have some drawbacks, I believe that they do not surpass the significant benefits in curing patients’ health due to their modern equipment and private treatment.