Adopting a simple lifestyle, free from the constant pursuit of material wealth, leads to a more peaceful and happy life. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reason for your answers and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Adopting a simple lifestyle, free from the constant pursuit of material wealth, leads to a more peaceful and happy life.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reason for your answers and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

It is asserted that embracing a minimalist lifestyle, which is free from the incessant pursuit of material possessions, will bring more tranquility in life. While I believe that material wealth plays an integral role in leading a happy and fulfilled life, a minimalist lifestyle would free one from potential negative impacts that excessive materialism may bear, thus, striking a balance is crucial.

On the one hand, there are a variety of reasons why material abundance is necessary in this modern world. First, material wealth provides basic needs and comforts on a daily basis, contributing to the overall happiness and fulfillment in life. Indeed, several individuals from certain cultural or economic contexts, such as those who come from the middle class, consider basic financial availability, which offers them a frugal yet filled with basic amenities life, to be a source of happiness. Also, material possessions can be a driver of better performance at work and study. It is widely asserted that money can cater people with a plethora of benefits such as financial gain, improved social status and better quality of life.
These alluring benefits, as a result, make people boost productivity and efficiency at work and school so that they they can get promotion or win scholarships in an attempt to improve their living standard and status quo.

On the other hand, money is not the sole motivator of success as there are a myriad of non-material factors such as personal values, relationships or intrinsic rewards that surpass material wealth. As a result, heavy reliance on material wealth as a motivator may cause some people to work hard to achieve their idealized expectations. This can lead to potential drawback, including burnout from overwork or limited satisfaction, proving that an insatiable desire for material possessions is not always universally beneficial. Furthermore, financial gain, even though can lead to immediate success, may not necessarily translate into long-term fulfillment. Indeed, material brings us contemporary happiness once we can purchase luxurious or overpriced items; however, once the initial thrill fades, it may lead to growing greed, making us overlook mental values and become more materialistic. Lastly, excessive focus on material can lead to significant distress by creating unrealistic expectations and fostering a sense of inadequacy when expectations are not met.

All in all, while a minimalist lifestyle can lead to a more peaceful life, it is crucial to balance with pursuit of financial stability. This approach not only foster productivity, secure financial status but also mitigate distress caused by excessive materialism.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "embracing a minimalist lifestyle" -> "adopting a minimalist lifestyle"
   Explanation: "Adopting" is a more formal and precise term than "embracing," which can carry a slightly more emotional connotation that may not be suitable for academic writing.

2. "incessant pursuit" -> "persistent pursuit"
   Explanation: "Incessant" can imply a sense of urgency or overemphasis, which may not be the intended meaning here. "Persistent" better conveys a steady and ongoing pursuit without the negative connotations.

3. "plays an integral role" -> "plays a crucial role"
   Explanation: "Integral" typically refers to something that is essential to the structure or composition of something, whereas "crucial" better emphasizes the importance of material wealth in leading a happy and fulfilled life.

4. "free one from potential negative impacts" -> "protect individuals from potential negative impacts"
   Explanation: "Free one from" is somewhat informal and vague; "protect individuals from" is more precise and formal, enhancing the academic tone.

5. "striking a balance is crucial" -> "achieving a balance is essential"
   Explanation: "Striking a balance" is a metaphorical expression that may be too informal for academic writing. "Achieving a balance" is more direct and formal.

6. "material abundance" -> "material wealth"
   Explanation: "Abundance" can imply an excessive amount, which may not be the intended meaning. "Wealth" is a more precise term for the context of discussing the importance of material possessions.

7. "filled with basic amenities" -> "equipped with basic amenities"
   Explanation: "Filled with" is less formal and slightly vague; "equipped with" is more precise and suitable for academic writing.

8. "money can cater people with" -> "money can provide for individuals"
   Explanation: "Cater people with" is awkward and informal; "provide for individuals" is more natural and formal.

9. "boost productivity and efficiency" -> "enhance productivity and efficiency"
   Explanation: "Boost" is somewhat informal and colloquial; "enhance" is more formal and academically appropriate.

10. "they they" -> "they"
    Explanation: The repetition of "they" is a typographical error and should be corrected to "they" for grammatical accuracy.

11. "insatiable desire for material possessions" -> "insatiable desire for material possessions"
    Explanation: This is a repetition of the same phrase, which is unnecessary and can be removed for clarity and conciseness.

12. "material brings us contemporary happiness" -> "material possessions bring us temporary happiness"
    Explanation: "Material" is an adjective that should be used with a noun; "possessions" is the correct noun form. Also, "contemporary" is not the correct term here; "temporary" better describes the fleeting nature of happiness from material possessions.

13. "foster productivity, secure financial status" -> "promote productivity and secure financial stability"
    Explanation: "Foster" is less direct and less commonly used in this context; "promote" is more straightforward and formal. Also, "status" is vague; "stability" is more specific and appropriate in the context of financial security.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both sides of the argument regarding material wealth and a minimalist lifestyle. The introduction clearly states the author’s belief in the importance of material wealth while acknowledging the potential benefits of minimalism. The body paragraphs explore the necessity of material wealth for basic needs and happiness, as well as the drawbacks of excessive materialism. However, the conclusion could be more explicit in summarizing the extent to which the author agrees or disagrees with the statement, which would strengthen the response.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the author should explicitly state their position regarding the extent of agreement or disagreement in the conclusion. Additionally, providing a more balanced discussion of both perspectives could help clarify the overall stance.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that values both material wealth and a minimalist lifestyle, but it occasionally wavers in clarity. For instance, the phrase "striking a balance is crucial" suggests a middle ground, but the author does not consistently reinforce this throughout the essay. The discussion of material wealth is strong, but the argument for minimalism could be more robust to support the initial claim.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clearer position, the author should consistently refer back to the main argument throughout the essay. Using transitional phrases that reiterate the importance of balance and explicitly linking back to the prompt in each paragraph would help solidify the position.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a variety of ideas regarding the benefits of material wealth and the drawbacks of excessive materialism. The author provides examples, such as the impact of financial stability on happiness and productivity. However, some points, particularly those related to minimalism, could be further developed. For example, the discussion on how minimalism can lead to peace and happiness is somewhat underexplored compared to the arguments for material wealth.
  • How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the author should provide more specific examples or anecdotes related to minimalism and its benefits. Additionally, elaborating on how a minimalist lifestyle can counteract the negative effects of materialism would strengthen the argument.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the relationship between material wealth and a minimalist lifestyle. However, there are moments where the discussion becomes slightly tangential, particularly in the exploration of non-material factors that contribute to happiness. While these points are relevant, they could be more directly tied back to the main argument about minimalism versus materialism.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the prompt. This can be achieved by consistently linking back to the main thesis in each paragraph and ensuring that all examples and discussions serve to reinforce the central argument.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the topic and presents a well-rounded argument, there are areas for improvement in clarity, depth of argumentation, and focus on the prompt. By addressing these aspects, the author can further enhance the effectiveness of their response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument structure, with an introduction that outlines the writer’s stance and two body paragraphs that explore both sides of the argument. The first paragraph discusses the necessity of material wealth, while the second addresses the drawbacks of excessive materialism. This logical organization helps the reader follow the writer’s reasoning. However, the transition between the two paragraphs could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing the benefits of material wealth to the limitations of it could be more explicitly stated to enhance clarity.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases at the beginning of each paragraph that explicitly connect the ideas. For example, phrases like "Conversely" or "On the flip side" can help signal a shift in perspective, making the argument more cohesive.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is crucial for readability. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct aspect of the argument, which aids in comprehension. However, the second body paragraph is somewhat lengthy and could benefit from being split into two smaller paragraphs. This would allow for a more focused discussion on the drawbacks of materialism and the importance of non-material factors.
  • How to improve: Consider breaking down the second body paragraph into two parts: one focusing on the negative consequences of materialism and the other on the value of non-material factors. This will not only enhance clarity but also allow for a deeper exploration of each point.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as "first," "also," "on the other hand," and "all in all," which help to guide the reader through the argument. However, there are instances where the same cohesive devices are repeated, which can detract from the overall fluidity of the essay. For example, the phrase "as a result" is used multiple times, which could be varied to maintain reader engagement.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating synonyms or alternative phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "as a result," you could use "consequently," "therefore," or "thus." Additionally, varying sentence structures can also enhance cohesion; for example, using relative clauses or participial phrases can create more complex and engaging sentences.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion principles, implementing these suggestions can elevate the clarity and effectiveness of the argument, potentially leading to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, utilizing terms such as "minimalist lifestyle," "material possessions," "tranquility," and "intrinsic rewards." This variety enriches the text and conveys nuanced ideas. However, some phrases, such as "basic financial availability" and "frugal yet filled with basic amenities life," could be more effectively expressed. The use of "alleged" and "asserted" in the introduction also creates a somewhat formal tone that may not be necessary in all contexts.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider incorporating more synonyms and varied expressions. For instance, instead of repeating "material wealth," you could use "financial resources" or "economic assets." Additionally, strive to avoid redundancy by varying sentence structures and word choices throughout the essay.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are instances of imprecision. For example, the phrase "financial availability" could be interpreted ambiguously; it may be clearer to say "financial security" or "financial resources." Additionally, "making us overlook mental values" could be more precisely articulated as "distracting us from intrinsic values."
  • How to improve: Focus on clarity and precision in word choice. When discussing complex ideas, ensure that the vocabulary used conveys the intended meaning without ambiguity. Consider revising phrases that may confuse the reader or fail to capture the essence of your argument.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a high level of spelling accuracy, with only minor errors present, such as the repetition of "they they" in the sentence discussing productivity. This suggests a need for careful proofreading to catch typographical errors that can detract from the overall quality of the writing.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, implement a systematic proofreading process. After completing the essay, take a break before reviewing it to gain a fresh perspective. Additionally, reading the text aloud can help identify awkward phrasing and typographical errors that may have been overlooked during the initial writing process.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary with a band score of 7, there are opportunities for improvement in the areas of vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these aspects, the writer can enhance the overall effectiveness and clarity of their writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. For instance, complex sentences such as "While I believe that material wealth plays an integral role in leading a happy and fulfilled life, a minimalist lifestyle would free one from potential negative impacts that excessive materialism may bear" effectively convey nuanced ideas. Additionally, the use of conditional structures, as seen in "if we can purchase luxurious or overpriced items," adds depth to the argument. However, there are instances of repetitive structure, particularly in listing points, which could be improved for greater variety.
  • How to improve: To enhance the diversity of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more compound-complex sentences and varying sentence lengths. For example, instead of repeatedly using "material wealth provides" or "money is not the sole motivator," the writer could use introductory phrases or clauses to vary the flow, such as "Despite the benefits of material wealth, it is essential to recognize…" This would not only diversify the sentence structures but also improve the overall rhythm of the essay.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a high level of grammatical accuracy, with only minor errors. For instance, the phrase "to be a source of happiness" is correctly structured, and the use of commas is generally appropriate, such as in "first, material wealth provides basic needs and comforts." However, there are some issues, such as the phrase "so that they they can get promotion," which contains a typographical error (repetition of "they"). Additionally, the sentence "money can cater people with a plethora of benefits" could be more accurately phrased as "money can provide people with a plethora of benefits."
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should carefully proofread the essay to catch typographical errors and ensure clarity in expression. Additionally, reviewing common grammatical structures and their correct usage, such as subject-verb agreement and prepositional phrases, would be beneficial. Practicing with varied sentence constructions can also help solidify understanding and application of grammatical rules.

Overall, the essay is well-structured and presents a coherent argument with a strong command of language. By focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical accuracy, the writer can further enhance the quality of their writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is asserted that embracing a minimalist lifestyle, which is free from the incessant pursuit of material possessions, will bring more tranquility to life. While I believe that material wealth plays an integral role in leading a happy and fulfilled life, a minimalist lifestyle would free one from the potential negative impacts that excessive materialism may bear; thus, striking a balance is crucial.

On the one hand, there are a variety of reasons why material abundance is necessary in this modern world. First, material wealth provides basic needs and comforts on a daily basis, contributing to overall happiness and fulfillment in life. Indeed, several individuals from certain cultural or economic contexts, such as those who come from the middle class, consider basic financial availability, which offers them a frugal yet equipped with basic amenities life, to be a source of happiness. Also, material possessions can be a driver of better performance at work and study. It is widely asserted that money can provide individuals with a plethora of benefits such as financial gain, improved social status, and a better quality of life. These alluring benefits, as a result, make people enhance productivity and efficiency at work and school so that they can get promotions or win scholarships in an attempt to improve their living standards and status quo.

On the other hand, money is not the sole motivator of success, as there are a myriad of non-material factors such as personal values, relationships, or intrinsic rewards that surpass material wealth. As a result, heavy reliance on material wealth as a motivator may cause some people to work hard to achieve their idealized expectations. This can lead to potential drawbacks, including burnout from overwork or limited satisfaction, proving that an insatiable desire for material possessions is not always universally beneficial. Furthermore, financial gain, even though it can lead to immediate success, may not necessarily translate into long-term fulfillment. Indeed, material possessions bring us temporary happiness once we can purchase luxurious or overpriced items; however, once the initial thrill fades, it may lead to growing greed, making us overlook mental values and become more materialistic. Lastly, excessive focus on material wealth can lead to significant distress by creating unrealistic expectations and fostering a sense of inadequacy when those expectations are not met.

All in all, while a minimalist lifestyle can lead to a more peaceful life, it is crucial to balance it with the pursuit of financial stability. This approach not only promotes productivity and secures financial status but also mitigates distress caused by excessive materialism.