Some people think that society effects on the youth more than their parents. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Some people think that society effects on the youth more than their parents.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

In recent times, some individuals believe that the community can have a greater influence on young people than their parents.As persuasive as this prediction may sound on the surface, I only partially agree with it for the reasons that I will present in this article.

On the one hand, it is true that the outside world has a lot of influence on young people that their parents cannot compare. For example, young people have to face the digital age, the advancement of technology has made them easily influenced by social norms and ideals. Moreover, peer pressure and the desire to fit in with social expectations also influence the psychology, behavior, and attitudes of young individuals. These influences can sometimes overshadow the values and beliefs that parents have passed on to their children.

Despite these influences, parents are still the ones who love, support, and teach basic values to their children. Besides, parents also play an important role in shaping ethics, personality, and helping young individuals overcome difficulties and challenges in society. For example, when young people face difficulties in their work or studies, parents will be the ones to encourage and help them overcome those things. The help and love from parents can help young people forget the difficulties and pressures from the influences of society.
In conclusion, I partially agree with the opinion that society can directly influence young people, and I believe that balancing parental guidance and societal influences is crucial to ensure the development of youth in this era.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "In recent times" -> "In recent years"
   Explanation: "In recent years" is a more precise and commonly used temporal reference in academic writing, enhancing the formality and clarity of the introduction.

2. "some individuals believe" -> "some scholars argue"
   Explanation: Replacing "some individuals believe" with "some scholars argue" shifts the focus from a general population to a more specific and authoritative group, which is more suitable for academic discourse.

3. "As persuasive as this prediction may sound" -> "As compelling as this argument may seem"
   Explanation: "Compelling" is more academically appropriate than "persuasive" in this context, and "argument" is more precise than "prediction," aligning better with the scholarly tone.

4. "I only partially agree" -> "I concur partially"
   Explanation: "Concur partially" is a more formal expression that maintains the nuance of partial agreement, enhancing the academic tone.

5. "the outside world" -> "the external environment"
   Explanation: "The external environment" is a more precise and formal term that better fits the context of discussing societal influences on young people.

6. "has a lot of influence" -> "exerts considerable influence"
   Explanation: "Exerts considerable influence" is more formal and specific, improving the academic tone and precision of the statement.

7. "their parents cannot compare" -> "their parents cannot match"
   Explanation: "Cannot match" is a more precise and formal way to express the idea that the influence of the outside world surpasses that of parents.

8. "the advancement of technology has made them easily influenced" -> "the advancement of technology has rendered them susceptible to influence"
   Explanation: "Rendered them susceptible to influence" is a more formal and precise way to describe how technology affects young people’s susceptibility to influence.

9. "peer pressure and the desire to fit in with social expectations" -> "peer pressure and the desire to conform to societal norms"
   Explanation: "Conform to societal norms" is a more formal and precise phrase than "fit in with social expectations," aligning better with academic language.

10. "can sometimes overshadow" -> "may occasionally overshadow"
    Explanation: "May occasionally overshadow" is a more cautious and academically appropriate phrasing, suggesting a possibility rather than certainty, which is more suitable for scholarly discussions.

11. "parents are still the ones who love, support, and teach basic values to their children" -> "parents remain the primary source of love, support, and the transmission of fundamental values to their children"
    Explanation: This revision uses more formal vocabulary and structure, enhancing the academic tone and precision of the statement.

12. "play an important role in shaping ethics, personality, and helping young individuals overcome difficulties and challenges" -> "play a crucial role in shaping ethics, personality, and assisting young individuals in overcoming difficulties and challenges"
    Explanation: "Assisting" is more formal than "helping," and "crucial" emphasizes the significance of parental influence more strongly than "important," fitting better in an academic context.

13. "will be the ones to encourage and help them overcome those things" -> "will be the primary sources of encouragement and support in overcoming these challenges"
    Explanation: This revision uses more formal language and avoids the informal phrasing of "those things," replacing it with "these challenges" for clarity and formality.

14. "The help and love from parents can help young people forget the difficulties and pressures from the influences of society" -> "The support and affection from parents can mitigate the difficulties and pressures imposed by societal influences"
    Explanation: "Mitigate" is a more precise and formal term than "help forget," and "imposed by societal influences" clarifies the source of the difficulties and pressures, enhancing the academic tone and precision.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the influence of society and the role of parents in shaping the youth. The introduction clearly states a partial agreement with the statement, and the body paragraphs provide arguments supporting both sides. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit acknowledgment of the extent to which the author agrees or disagrees, as the prompt asks for a clear position on this spectrum.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response to the prompt, the writer should clarify the extent of their agreement or disagreement in the introduction and conclusion. For instance, they could specify whether they believe society has a slightly greater influence or if the influences are roughly equal, providing a more nuanced stance.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position of partial agreement, which is evident throughout the text. However, the transition between discussing societal influences and parental roles could be smoother to reinforce the author’s stance. The conclusion reiterates the partial agreement but lacks a strong summary of the arguments presented.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, the writer should use transitional phrases that link the ideas more cohesively. Additionally, summarizing the key arguments in the conclusion would reinforce the position and provide a clearer takeaway for the reader.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents relevant ideas regarding the influence of society and parents, with examples such as peer pressure and parental support. However, some points could be more thoroughly developed. For instance, the discussion on societal influences could include specific examples of social norms or media influences that affect youth today, while the parental influence section could benefit from more detailed examples of how parents instill values.
  • How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more specific examples and elaborate on them. This could involve discussing particular societal trends or parental strategies that illustrate their points more vividly.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the influences of society and parents on youth. However, some sentences could be more concise to avoid any potential ambiguity. For instance, the phrase "the outside world has a lot of influence on young people that their parents cannot compare" could be rephrased for clarity.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each sentence directly contributes to the argument being made. They can achieve this by reviewing each point for relevance and clarity, ensuring that all statements directly relate back to the main argument of the essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, but there are areas for improvement in clarity, depth of argumentation, and explicitness in addressing the prompt.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the influences of society and parents on youth. The introduction effectively sets up the discussion, stating the writer’s position. The body paragraphs are organized into two distinct viewpoints: one acknowledging societal influences and the other emphasizing parental roles. However, the transition between these points could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing societal influences to parental influences feels abrupt, which can disrupt the logical flow.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect the ideas between paragraphs. For example, phrases like "On the other hand" or "Conversely" can help signal a shift in perspective. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea will help guide the reader through the argument more effectively.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs appropriately, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The first paragraph introduces the topic, while the subsequent paragraphs delve into the influences of society and parents, respectively. However, the second body paragraph could benefit from clearer internal structure. The ideas presented are somewhat jumbled, making it harder for the reader to follow the argument.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, ensure that each paragraph has a clear internal organization. Start with a topic sentence, followed by supporting details and examples. For instance, in the second body paragraph, you could separate the discussion of parental support from the discussion of values and ethics to create a clearer distinction between the points being made.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "for example" and "besides," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and the essay relies heavily on basic connectors. This can make the writing feel repetitive and less sophisticated. Additionally, the use of cohesive devices could be more varied to enhance the overall flow of the essay.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, use "furthermore," "in addition," or "however" to introduce contrasting ideas or additional points. Also, consider using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned ideas, which can help to create a more cohesive narrative throughout the essay.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the overall band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "influence," "peer pressure," and "social norms" being effectively used. However, the vocabulary tends to be somewhat repetitive, particularly with the use of "influence" and "young people." For instance, the phrase "the outside world has a lot of influence on young people" could be varied with synonyms such as "impact," "effect," or "sway."
  • How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms to avoid repetition. For example, instead of repeatedly using "influence," they could use "impact," "affect," or "shape." Additionally, exploring more sophisticated vocabulary related to the topic, such as "formative experiences" or "developmental factors," would elevate the essay.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary appropriately, but there are instances where the word choice could be more precise. For example, the phrase "the advancement of technology has made them easily influenced by social norms and ideals" could be clearer. The term "easily influenced" is somewhat vague; it could be replaced with "susceptible to" or "vulnerable to," which conveys a stronger sense of the impact of technology on youth.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on selecting words that convey their intended meaning more clearly. This can be achieved by using a thesaurus to find more specific alternatives or by considering the context in which certain words are used. For instance, instead of saying "the community can have a greater influence," they might say "the community exerts a more profound impact," which adds depth to the argument.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a good level of spelling accuracy overall, with no major spelling errors that detract from comprehension. However, there are minor grammatical issues, such as the phrase "society effects on the youth," where "effects" should be "affects." This indicates a misunderstanding of the difference between the noun "effect" and the verb "affect."
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling and grammatical accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, focusing on commonly confused words and their correct usage. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or engaging in peer reviews could also help identify and correct such errors before submission.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and employs a reasonable range of vocabulary, there are opportunities for improvement in vocabulary variety, precision, and grammatical accuracy. By focusing on these areas, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures. For instance, complex sentences are used effectively, such as "the advancement of technology has made them easily influenced by social norms and ideals." However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and structures, particularly in the second paragraph where phrases like "parents are still the ones who…" and "parents will be the ones to…" are used, which detracts from the overall variety.
  • How to improve: To enhance the diversity of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more compound and complex sentences that begin with different phrases or clauses. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "parents," the writer could use introductory phrases like "In addition to their influence," or "While parents provide support," to vary the sentence openings. Additionally, using passive voice or inversion in some sentences could further enrich the grammatical range.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are some errors that affect clarity. For example, the phrase "the community can have a greater influence on young people than their parents.As persuasive as this prediction may sound on the surface," lacks a space after the period. Furthermore, the sentence "the outside world has a lot of influence on young people that their parents cannot compare" is awkwardly phrased; it would be clearer as "the outside world has a lot of influence on young people that parents cannot match."
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should pay closer attention to punctuation, ensuring that spaces are included after periods and commas. Additionally, reviewing sentence constructions for clarity and coherence is essential. The writer could benefit from reading their work aloud to catch awkward phrasing and grammatical errors. Engaging in grammar exercises focused on common pitfalls, such as sentence structure and punctuation, could also be beneficial.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent times, some individuals believe that the community can have a greater influence on young people than their parents. As persuasive as this argument may seem on the surface, I only partially agree with it for the reasons that I will present in this article.

On the one hand, it is true that the external environment exerts considerable influence on young people that their parents cannot match. For example, young people have to face the digital age, and the advancement of technology has rendered them susceptible to influence by social norms and ideals. Moreover, peer pressure and the desire to conform to societal norms also influence the psychology, behavior, and attitudes of young individuals. These influences may occasionally overshadow the values and beliefs that parents have passed on to their children.

Despite these influences, parents remain the primary source of love, support, and the transmission of fundamental values to their children. Besides, parents also play a crucial role in shaping ethics, personality, and assisting young individuals in overcoming difficulties and challenges in society. For example, when young people face difficulties in their work or studies, parents will be the primary sources of encouragement and support in overcoming these challenges. The support and affection from parents can mitigate the difficulties and pressures imposed by societal influences.

In conclusion, I partially agree with the opinion that society can directly influence young people, and I believe that balancing parental guidance and societal influences is crucial to ensure the development of youth in this era.