You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Write about the following topic: Nowadays, young people admire sports stars though they often do not set a good example. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words
You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
Write about the following topic:
Nowadays, young people admire sports stars though they often do not set a good example. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Write at least 250 words
Some people argue that the youth nowadays look up to sports stars even though they do not set a good example. Core about the disputable. There can have both benefits and disadvantages to my point of view. I believe that this phenomenon on the one hand the admiration of young individuals can inspire influences. First, celebrities can inspire to you a large number of young people. They also have power and influence to raise funds for helping the poor. For example, Dustin Poirier. American fighter has spent his life to set up a big donation for orphan which touches the heart of young fan. Second, sports stars is a good examples making hard and infinite motivation that make the admirable fan to follow their steps. Never give up to reach their dream. Ronaldo now is forty years old but his routine everyday make people amazed.
On the other hand, sports stars skill has a deck humanity. Some athletes spreading bad thinking to a youth also sports stars may have a disease, name and popular about all they believed that young people thinking stars it is always true. If work they will be very bad habit. The community speaks over their bad choose. Sean O’Malley tips publicity that he aduter have an adulterous relationship. Outfile even that he has a marriage. The poisonous thinking can lead to criticize and fan does like their celebrity anymore.
In conclusion, Sports stars all popular person that have power and influence about food things but also they will have some bad habit that everybody need to dodge or avoid.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"Some people argue" -> "It is argued"
Explanation: "It is argued" shifts the passive voice to a more formal and impersonal tone, which is preferred in academic writing. -
"the youth nowadays" -> "young people today"
Explanation: "Young people today" is more specific and less colloquial than "the youth nowadays," aligning better with formal academic language. -
"look up to" -> "admire"
Explanation: "Admire" is a more precise and formal term than "look up to," which is somewhat informal and colloquial. -
"Core about the disputable" -> "Core to the controversy"
Explanation: "Core to the controversy" corrects the grammatical error and uses a more precise term for discussing a topic of debate. -
"There can have both benefits and disadvantages to my point of view" -> "Both benefits and disadvantages can be associated with my perspective"
Explanation: This revision clarifies the structure and uses more formal language, improving the flow and precision of the sentence. -
"this phenomenon on the one hand the admiration of young individuals can inspire influences" -> "this phenomenon, on the one hand, can inspire admiration in young individuals"
Explanation: This revision corrects the awkward phrasing and clarifies the meaning, aligning with formal academic style. -
"celebrities can inspire to you a large number of young people" -> "celebrities can inspire a large number of young people"
Explanation: Removing "to you" corrects the grammatical error and simplifies the sentence for clarity and formality. -
"They also have power and influence to raise funds for helping the poor" -> "They also possess the power and influence to raise funds for the benefit of the poor"
Explanation: This revision uses more formal vocabulary and corrects the awkward phrasing. -
"American fighter has spent his life to set up a big donation for orphan" -> "the American fighter has dedicated his life to establishing a significant donation for orphans"
Explanation: This revision corrects grammatical errors and enhances formality by using more precise terms. -
"sports stars is a good examples making hard and infinite motivation" -> "sports stars serve as excellent examples of hard work and infinite motivation"
Explanation: This revision corrects the grammatical error and clarifies the meaning, using more formal and precise language. -
"Never give up to reach their dream" -> "Never give up on their dreams"
Explanation: Corrects the preposition "to" to "on," which is the correct preposition for the idiomatic expression "give up on." -
"sports stars skill has a deck humanity" -> "the skills of sports stars have a negative impact on humanity"
Explanation: This revision corrects the grammatical error and clarifies the meaning, using more formal and precise language. -
"Some athletes spreading bad thinking to a youth" -> "Some athletes spread negative attitudes to young people"
Explanation: Corrects the grammatical structure and uses more precise and formal terminology. -
"sports stars may have a disease, name and popular about all they believed that young people thinking stars it is always true" -> "sports stars may be perceived as having a disease, and their popularity stems from the belief that young people view them as role models"
Explanation: This revision clarifies and corrects the confusing and grammatically incorrect original sentence, using more formal and precise language. -
"If work they will be very bad habit" -> "If they work, they will develop bad habits"
Explanation: Corrects the grammatical structure and clarifies the meaning, using more formal and precise language. -
"The community speaks over their bad choose" -> "The community criticizes their poor choices"
Explanation: Corrects the grammatical error and uses more formal vocabulary. -
"Sean O’Malley tips publicity that he aduter have an adulterous relationship" -> "Sean O’Malley’s publicized infidelity has been criticized"
Explanation: This revision corrects the awkward and grammatically incorrect original phrase, using more formal and precise language. -
"Outfile even that he has a marriage" -> "Moreover, despite his marriage"
Explanation: Corrects the awkward and unclear original phrase, improving clarity and formality. -
"The poisonous thinking can lead to criticize and fan does like their celebrity anymore" -> "This toxic thinking can lead to criticism, and fans may no longer support their celebrity"
Explanation: This revision corrects grammatical errors and clarifies the meaning, using more formal and precise language. -
"Sports stars all popular person that have power and influence about food things" -> "All popular sports stars possess power and influence over various aspects of life"
Explanation: This revision corrects the grammatical errors and uses more formal and precise language. -
"but also they will have some bad habit" -> "but also they may exhibit some negative habits"
Explanation: Corrects the grammatical error and uses more formal and precise terminology.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Task Response: 5
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt regarding whether the admiration of sports stars by young people is a positive or negative development. However, the response is somewhat vague and lacks a clear exploration of both sides. For instance, while the author mentions benefits such as inspiration and fundraising, these points are not fully developed or clearly linked to the question. The negative aspects are introduced but are not sufficiently elaborated upon, leading to an incomplete analysis.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that both positive and negative aspects are fully explored. This could involve providing specific examples and explanations for each point made. Additionally, a clear conclusion summarizing the overall stance on the issue would help solidify the response.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a somewhat unclear position. The phrase "there can have both benefits and disadvantages to my point of view" indicates an intention to discuss both sides, but the lack of a definitive stance makes it difficult for the reader to understand the author’s ultimate viewpoint. The transitions between points are also weak, which contributes to the confusion.
- How to improve: To present a clearer position, the writer should explicitly state their viewpoint in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. Using phrases like "In my opinion" or "I believe" can help clarify the author’s stance. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph supports this position will create a more cohesive argument.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The ideas presented in the essay are underdeveloped and lack sufficient support. For example, the mention of Dustin Poirier and his charitable work is a good start, but it is not expanded upon or connected back to the main argument effectively. Similarly, the negative consequences of idolizing sports stars are mentioned but not sufficiently explained or supported with examples.
- How to improve: The writer should aim to elaborate on each point made. This could involve providing more detailed examples, explaining the implications of the ideas presented, and connecting them back to the main argument. Using specific statistics or studies could also strengthen the argument.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally deviates from the main topic, particularly in the second paragraph where the discussion of "bad thinking" and "bad habits" lacks clarity and coherence. The mention of Sean O’Malley’s personal life feels disconnected from the main argument about the influence of sports stars on youth.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each point made is directly relevant to the prompt. This can be achieved by outlining the essay before writing, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear purpose and ties back to the central argument. Additionally, avoiding overly personal anecdotes that do not support the main argument can help keep the essay on track.
Overall, to improve the essay, the writer should focus on clearly articulating their position, developing and supporting their ideas more thoroughly, and ensuring that all content is relevant to the prompt.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 5
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a mix of ideas regarding the admiration of sports stars, but the organization lacks clarity. The introduction mentions both benefits and disadvantages but fails to clearly outline these points. For instance, the transition from discussing the positive influence of sports stars to their negative impact is abrupt and does not provide a clear logical flow. The ideas within paragraphs also seem disjointed, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer should create a clear outline before writing. Each paragraph should start with a topic sentence that states the main idea, followed by supporting sentences that elaborate on this idea. Additionally, using transitional phrases (e.g., "Firstly," "On the other hand," "In conclusion") can help guide the reader through the argument more smoothly.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay does use paragraphs, but they are not effectively structured. The first paragraph attempts to cover both the positive and negative aspects of sports stars in a single block, which can overwhelm the reader. The second paragraph also mixes ideas without clear separation, leading to confusion about which points are being made.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should focus on a single main idea. For example, one paragraph could discuss the positive influences of sports stars, while another could address the negative impacts. This separation not only clarifies the argument but also makes it easier for the reader to digest the information. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear beginning, middle, and end will strengthen the overall structure.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates limited use of cohesive devices, which affects the flow of ideas. Phrases like "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" are used, but there are few other cohesive devices present. This lack of variety can make the writing feel repetitive and less engaging. For instance, the phrase "for example" is used, but there are no other linking words or phrases to connect ideas within and between sentences effectively.
- How to improve: To improve the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "In addition," "However," and "Consequently." These can help clarify relationships between ideas and improve the overall flow of the essay. Practicing the use of these devices in different contexts can also help the writer become more comfortable with their application.
In summary, while the essay addresses the prompt, it suffers from issues related to organization, paragraph structure, and cohesive devices. By focusing on clear logical organization, effective paragraphing, and a variety of cohesive devices, the writer can significantly improve the coherence and cohesion of their writing.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 5
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to use varied vocabulary, such as "admiration," "influence," "donation," and "motivation." However, the range is limited and often repetitive. Phrases like "good example" and "bad habit" are used multiple times without variation, which detracts from the overall lexical richness. Additionally, some phrases, such as "the youth nowadays look up to sports stars," could be expressed more creatively.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "good example," alternatives like "positive role model" or "inspiring figure" could be employed. Exploring phrases like "adverse influence" or "negative behavior" instead of "bad habit" would also diversify the language.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "Core about the disputable," which is unclear and confusing. The phrase "sports stars skill has a deck humanity" is also vague and does not convey a clear meaning. The use of "adulterous relationship" is an attempt to convey a serious issue, but it is not well integrated into the context of the sentence.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on clarity and context. For instance, instead of "Core about the disputable," a clearer phrase could be "This topic is highly debated." Furthermore, ensuring that each term accurately reflects its intended meaning will enhance the overall quality. The writer should also consider using phrases like "lack of moral integrity" instead of vague expressions.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "disputable" (correctly spelled but used awkwardly), "adulterous," and "infinite motivation," which should be "infinite motivation" but is awkwardly phrased. Additionally, "deck humanity" is likely a misspelling or misuse of "lack of humanity." These errors can distract the reader and undermine the credibility of the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should practice proofreading their work before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, familiarizing oneself with commonly misspelled words and their correct forms will aid in improving overall spelling proficiency.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates some understanding of vocabulary related to the topic, there is a need for greater variety, precision, and accuracy in spelling. By focusing on these areas, the writer can improve their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future essays.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. For instance, simple sentences like "Some people argue that the youth nowadays look up to sports stars" are prevalent, but complex and compound sentences are underutilized. The sentence "I believe that this phenomenon on the one hand the admiration of young individuals can inspire influences" is awkwardly constructed and lacks clarity. The use of phrases such as "sports stars is a good examples making hard and infinite motivation" shows confusion in subject-verb agreement and structure.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should practice combining simple sentences into more complex ones. For example, instead of saying "Ronaldo now is forty years old but his routine everyday make people amazed," the writer could say, "Although Ronaldo is now forty years old, his daily routine continues to amaze people." Additionally, incorporating more varied conjunctions and transition phrases can help create smoother and more sophisticated sentence flows.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For example, "There can have both benefits and disadvantages to my point of view" is grammatically incorrect; it should be "There can be both benefits and disadvantages from my point of view." The phrase "sports stars skill has a deck humanity" is unclear and likely intended to convey that sports stars lack humanity, but it is poorly expressed. Punctuation errors are also present, such as missing commas and periods, which disrupt the flow of reading.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement, proper use of articles, and sentence clarity. For example, "sports stars is a good examples" should be corrected to "sports stars are good examples." Regular practice with grammar exercises, particularly in areas like verb forms and sentence structure, can help. Additionally, proofreading the essay for punctuation errors before submission can significantly enhance clarity and coherence. Utilizing grammar-checking tools may also assist in identifying and correcting mistakes.
In summary, while the essay presents relevant ideas, the grammatical range and accuracy need significant improvement. By diversifying sentence structures and focusing on grammatical correctness, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
Some people argue that the youth nowadays look up to sports stars even though they do not set a good example. Core to the controversy is that there can be both benefits and disadvantages to my point of view. I believe that this phenomenon, on the one hand, can inspire admiration in young individuals. First, celebrities can inspire a large number of young people. They also have the power and influence to raise funds for helping the poor. For example, Dustin Poirier, an American fighter, has dedicated his life to establishing a significant donation for orphans, which touches the hearts of young fans. Second, sports stars serve as good examples of hard work and infinite motivation that make admirable fans want to follow in their steps. They encourage young people to never give up on their dreams. Ronaldo, for instance, is now forty years old, but his daily routine amazes people.
On the other hand, the skills of sports stars can have a negative impact on humanity. Some athletes spread negative attitudes to young people, and sports stars may be perceived as having a disease, as their popularity stems from the belief that young people view them as role models. If they work, they may develop bad habits. The community criticizes their poor choices. For example, Sean O’Malley’s publicized infidelity has been criticized, despite his marriage. This toxic thinking can lead to criticism, and fans may no longer support their celebrity.
In conclusion, sports stars are all popular individuals who possess power and influence over various aspects of life. However, they may also exhibit some negative habits that everyone needs to dodge or avoid.
