The chart shows the division of household tasks by gender in Great Britain.

The provided chart illustrates the allocation of housework by two sexes in Great Britain.
Overall, it is conspicuous that females work more household tasks than males in most of the categories, except for gardening and retaining odd jobs. In addition, the rate of cooking, baking or washing up is the highest in females, while the opposite was true for that of maintenance odd jobs.
Initial examination of the first three groups, 74% of the females do cooking, baking and washing up, thus becoming the climax of the women’s household, which was 44% higher than males doing the same things. Meanwhile, the figure for cleaning or tidying house accounted for less than 60% in women, but only at north of 10% in men. By contrast, regarding to gardening or pet care, the percentage of males is at nearly 50%, becoming the highest point for the male gender’s figure, which more than double that of the other gender, at 20%.
Pertaining to other categories, the female rate constituted for roughly 45% in care of children and play and 25% in clothes, which are both more than 20% higher than that of male at the corresponding groups. However, for retaining odd jobs, the percentage for this group took up 9.5% in females, and significant 26% in males.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"it is conspicuous that" -> "it is evident that"
Explanation: "Conspicuous" typically refers to something that is noticeable due to its unusual or striking nature, which is not the intended meaning here. "Evident" is more appropriate for indicating that something is clear or obvious based on the data presented.
"the rate of cooking, baking or washing up" -> "the proportion of cooking, baking, and washing up"
Explanation: "Rate" is often used for measuring quantities or frequencies, but "proportion" is more precise when discussing the distribution of tasks among groups. Also, the use of "or" is replaced with a comma to correctly separate items in a list.
"the opposite was true for that of maintenance odd jobs" -> "the opposite was true for maintenance and odd jobs"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly constructed. Simplifying it to "maintenance and odd jobs" clarifies the meaning and maintains formal tone.
"the first three groups" -> "the first three categories"
Explanation: "Groups" is vague and can refer to various types of entities. "Categories" specifically refers to classifications or divisions, which is more precise in this context.
"thus becoming the climax of the women’s household" -> "thus representing the peak of women’s household responsibilities"
Explanation: "Climax" is incorrectly used here, as it typically refers to the most intense or critical point in a process. "Peak" is more appropriate for describing the highest point in a series of values. Also, "women’s household" is rephrased to "women’s household responsibilities" for clarity and formality.
"the figure for cleaning or tidying house" -> "the proportion for cleaning and tidying the house"
Explanation: Similar to earlier, "figure" is replaced with "proportion" for precision, and "or" is replaced with "and" for correct list construction.
"By contrast, regarding to" -> "In contrast, regarding"
Explanation: "Regarding to" is grammatically incorrect. "Regarding" should be used as an adverb to introduce a contrast, without "to."
"the female rate constituted for roughly 45%" -> "the female proportion was approximately 45%"
Explanation: "Constituted for" is awkward and unclear; "was approximately" is a more natural and precise way to express the degree of the proportion.
"which are both more than 20% higher than that of male at the corresponding groups" -> "which are both more than 20% higher than that of males in these categories"
Explanation: "Male" should be pluralized to "males" for grammatical correctness, and "at the corresponding groups" is rephrased to "in these categories" for clarity and formality.
"significant 26%" -> "a significant 26%"
Explanation: Adding "a" before "significant" corrects the grammatical structure, making the phrase more idiomatic and formal.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the chart, but the selection of information is not always appropriate. For example, the essay states that "the rate of cooking, baking or washing up is the highest in females" but does not provide any specific data to support this claim. The essay also includes some irrelevant details, such as the statement that "the figure for cleaning or tidying house accounted for less than 60% in women, but only at north of 10% in men." This information is not relevant to the main trends in the chart.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific data to support the overview. The essay could also be improved by focusing on the most important trends in the chart and avoiding irrelevant details. The essay could also be improved by using more precise language. For example, instead of saying "the percentage for this group took up 9.5% in females, and significant 26% in males," the essay could say "males spent significantly more time on maintenance odd jobs than females, with 26% of their time dedicated to this task compared to 9.5% for females."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay presents information and ideas in a coherent manner, with a clear overall progression from one point to another. The main trends are identified, and the essay generally follows a logical structure. However, there are instances where the use of cohesive devices is somewhat mechanical, and the referencing could be clearer. For example, phrases like "the opposite was true" could be more explicitly linked to the previous statement for better clarity. Additionally, paragraphing is present but could be improved to enhance the logical flow of ideas.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing the clarity and variety of cohesive devices used, ensuring that they contribute to the logical flow of the essay rather than appearing forced. Improving paragraph structure by clearly defining the main idea of each paragraph and ensuring that all sentences within a paragraph relate directly to that idea would also help. Lastly, refining the language for precision and avoiding redundancy will strengthen the overall coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary suitable for the task, with attempts to use less common vocabulary. However, there are noticeable inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "becoming the climax of the women’s household," which is awkward and unclear. Additionally, there are errors in spelling and word formation, such as "retaining odd jobs" instead of "performing odd jobs," which may cause some difficulty for the reader but do not completely impede communication. Overall, while the vocabulary used is adequate, it lacks the precision and sophistication expected at higher band levels.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using more precise and varied vocabulary, ensuring that less common lexical items are used accurately. Additionally, improving collocation and avoiding awkward phrases will contribute to a more natural flow. Regular practice with synonyms and contextually appropriate expressions can help in achieving greater flexibility and precision in vocabulary use.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is a requirement for Band 6. While there are some grammatical errors and issues with punctuation, they do not significantly impede communication. The writer attempts to present a variety of structures, but the accuracy of these structures is inconsistent, leading to some awkward phrasing and unclear expressions. For example, phrases like "the opposite was true for that of maintenance odd jobs" could be clearer. Overall, the essay shows a reasonable level of control over grammar, but the frequent errors and occasional awkwardness in expression prevent it from achieving a higher band score.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Sentence Structure: Aim to use a wider variety of complex sentence structures while ensuring they are grammatically correct.
Error Correction: Carefully proofread the essay to identify and correct grammatical errors and awkward phrases.
Punctuation: Pay attention to punctuation, as errors can lead to confusion in meaning.
Clarity and Precision: Strive for clarity in expression to avoid ambiguity, particularly in comparative statements.

Bài sửa mẫu

The provided chart illustrates the allocation of housework by gender in Great Britain. Overall, it is evident that females perform more household tasks than males in most categories, except for gardening and odd jobs. Additionally, the rate of cooking, baking, or washing up is the highest among females, while the opposite is true for maintenance tasks.

An initial examination of the first three categories reveals that 74% of females engage in cooking, baking, and washing up, making this the most common household task for women, which is 44% higher than the corresponding figure for males. Meanwhile, the percentage for cleaning or tidying the house accounts for less than 60% among women, but only just above 10% for men. In contrast, regarding gardening or pet care, the percentage of males is nearly 50%, representing the highest figure for the male gender, which is more than double that of females, at 20%.

In terms of other categories, the female rate constitutes roughly 45% for child care and play, and 25% for laundry, both of which are over 20% higher than the corresponding figures for males. However, for odd jobs, the percentage for females is 9.5%, while a significant 26% of males are involved in this category.