the graph below gives information about international tourist arrivals in five countries

The line chart indicates the gross number of foreign visitors in different countries in a 15-year period, starting in 1995.

Based on the given chart, an upward trend can be seen in the data for overseas tourists in all the mentioned nations with the USA being the most tourist-attracting nations in all the time phases and the only place receiving a noticeable decline in the latest stage.

As for the USA , starting at over 70M in 1995, the figure for visitors increased gradually by 20M in 2005, which was the highest peak in the entire chart, before moderately declining in the next five years. While the number for the USA remained the highest in the statistical chart, it was France that witnessed the most substantial growth in tourists. There were only 30M people choosing France as their go-to destination at the start of the period which was followed by an immense rocket of data up to approximately 90M in 2010, creating a joint-point in value with the figure for USA in the same year.

Regarding the remaining nations, just under 10M people decided to travel in Egypt and Brazil and that for Malaysia was slightly over 20M in 1995. All three countries then witnessed a stable rise over the years. To be more specific, Malaysia ended up welcoming around 45M visitors while that figures for Egypt and Brazil stood at 18M and 15M, respectively, at the end of the given timeline.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"gross number" -> "total number"
Explanation: "Gross" can imply a negative connotation or a sense of rough estimation, which is not suitable in this context. "Total" is more neutral and precise, fitting the academic style better.
"starting in 1995" -> "beginning in 1995"
Explanation: "Starting" can be somewhat informal and vague; "beginning" is more specific and formal, suitable for academic writing.
"tourist-attracting nations" -> "most popular tourist destinations"
Explanation: "Tourist-attracting nations" is awkward and unclear. "Most popular tourist destinations" is a clearer and more formal expression.
"the only place receiving a noticeable decline" -> "the only country experiencing a significant decline"
Explanation: "Place" is too vague and informal for this context; "country" is more precise and appropriate. "Noticeable" can be replaced with "significant" for a more academic tone.
"an upward trend can be seen" -> "an upward trend is evident"
Explanation: "Can be seen" is somewhat tentative and informal. "Is evident" is more assertive and formal, fitting the academic style.
"starting at over 70M" -> "beginning at approximately 70 million"
Explanation: "Starting at over" is informal and imprecise. "Beginning at approximately" is more formal and precise.
"the highest peak" -> "the peak"
Explanation: "The highest peak" is redundant. "The peak" is sufficient and maintains the formal tone.
"moderately declining" -> "declining moderately"
Explanation: "Moderately declining" is less formal and slightly awkward. "Declining moderately" is more concise and formal.
"immense rocket of data" -> "substantial increase in visitor numbers"
Explanation: "Immense rocket of data" is an idiom and overly informal. "Substantial increase in visitor numbers" is precise and formal.
"go-to destination" -> "preferred destination"
Explanation: "Go-to" is an informal idiom; "preferred" is more formal and suitable for academic writing.
"an immense rocket of data up to" -> "a significant increase to"
Explanation: "An immense rocket of data" is incorrect and informal. "A significant increase to" is clear and formal.
"joint-point in value" -> "equal level"
Explanation: "Joint-point in value" is unclear and awkward. "Equal level" is straightforward and formal.
"just under 10M people" -> "approximately 10 million people"
Explanation: "Just under" is informal and imprecise. "Approximately" is more suitable for academic writing, and "million" should be written in numerals for formality.
"that for Malaysia was slightly over 20M" -> "Malaysia’s figure was slightly above 20 million"
Explanation: "That for Malaysia was slightly over 20M" is awkward and informal. "Malaysia’s figure was slightly above 20 million" is clearer and more formal.
"that figures for Egypt and Brazil stood at" -> "the figures for Egypt and Brazil were"
Explanation: "That figures" is grammatically incorrect. "The figures" is grammatically correct and maintains formality.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the data, but it does not fully satisfy all the requirements of the task. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the main trends in the data, and it does not adequately highlight the key features of the data. The essay also includes some irrelevant details, such as the specific number of tourists in each country in 1995.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the main trends in the data. The essay could also be improved by highlighting the key features of the data more effectively. For example, the essay could mention that the USA had the highest number of tourists in all the time phases, and that France witnessed the most substantial growth in tourists. The essay could also be improved by removing irrelevant details, such as the specific number of tourists in each country in 1995.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, presenting a clear overall progression from the introduction to the conclusion. However, while cohesive devices are used effectively, there are instances where cohesion within sentences is mechanical, and referencing could be clearer. The paragraphing is present but not always logical, particularly in how the information is grouped and presented. The central topics within paragraphs are identifiable, but the transitions between ideas could be smoother to enhance clarity and flow.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on enhancing the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs by using a wider variety of cohesive devices and ensuring that references are clear and appropriate. Additionally, organizing the information in a more structured manner, possibly by grouping similar ideas together or using clearer topic sentences, would improve coherence. Reducing redundancy and ensuring that each paragraph has a distinct focus will also contribute to a more cohesive essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary suitable for the task, with some attempts to use less common lexical items. However, there are noticeable inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "immense rocket of data" and "joint-point in value," which detract from clarity. Additionally, there are some spelling and grammatical errors, such as "the only place receiving a noticeable decline in the latest stage," which may cause confusion for the reader. Overall, while the vocabulary used is adequate, it lacks the precision and sophistication required for a higher band score.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using more precise vocabulary and ensuring correct collocations. Avoiding awkward phrases and improving grammatical accuracy will also help. Expanding the range of vocabulary by incorporating more sophisticated synonyms and phrases can elevate the overall quality of the essay. Regular practice with varied writing tasks and seeking feedback on word choice can further aid in improvement.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, with some grammatical errors present. While the overall communication is clear, there are instances where errors in grammar and punctuation occur, such as "the only place receiving a noticeable decline in the latest stage" and "that figures for Egypt and Brazil stood at 18M and 15M." These errors do not severely hinder understanding but indicate a need for improvement in accuracy. The essay does attempt to use a variety of structures, but the control over grammar is inconsistent, which is characteristic of a Band 6 score.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Sentence Structure: Practice using a wider variety of complex sentence structures while ensuring they are grammatically correct.
Proofreading: Review the essay for grammatical errors and punctuation mistakes before submission.
Grammar Practice: Engage in targeted grammar exercises to strengthen understanding of complex sentence forms and improve accuracy.
Clarity and Precision: Aim for clearer expressions, especially in comparative statements, to avoid ambiguity (e.g., clarify what "that figures" refers to).

Bài sửa mẫu

The line chart indicates the gross number of foreign visitors in different countries over a 15-year period, starting in 1995.

Based on the given chart, an upward trend can be observed in the data for overseas tourists in all the mentioned nations, with the USA being the most tourist-attracting country throughout the entire period, despite experiencing a noticeable decline in the latest stage.

As for the USA, starting at over 70 million in 1995, the figure for visitors increased gradually by 20 million by 2005, which was the highest peak in the entire chart, before moderately declining in the subsequent five years. While the number for the USA remained the highest in the statistical chart, it was France that witnessed the most substantial growth in tourists. There were only 30 million people choosing France as their preferred destination at the start of the period, which was followed by a remarkable increase to approximately 90 million in 2010, creating a joint point in value with the figure for the USA in the same year.

Regarding the remaining nations, just under 10 million people traveled to Egypt and Brazil, while the figure for Malaysia was slightly over 20 million in 1995. All three countries then experienced a steady rise over the years. To be more specific, Malaysia ended up welcoming around 45 million visitors, while the figures for Egypt and Brazil stood at 18 million and 15 million, respectively, at the end of the given timeline.