Nowadays in many countries more and more people are spending their time away from their families. Why is this? What are the effects on themselves and on their families?
Nowadays in many countries more and more people are spending their time away from their families. Why is this? What are the effects on themselves and on their families?
In this day and age, a lot of people are increasingly busy and they do not have much time to invest their parents that has sparked a heated debate. It is my firm conviction that there are various remarkable reasons and consequences regarding this phenomenon.
On the one hand, individuals have less time more and more that is triggered by a couple of main causes. Firstly, pressure from their work make them to be busier. For example, they have to work more in order to accommodate their requirements. Therefore, they allocate less time to their families which leads to the distance among family members. Secondly, the proliferation of the Internet such as social network, games or entertainment programs makes people less to interact with face-to-face. On the grounds that they spend much time on playing games or sharing other information and contact with each other by comments in lieu of sharing family pictures. Moreover, they are likely to live the virtual world or follow a path towards criminal behaviors
On the other hand, when they do not invest much time into relatives, several negative consequences can be anticipated. The first effect is that they are liable to catch easily some of psycholosis, especially adolescents. Since they have much time to work, but they do not have many opportunities to share or interact with their family which make them to be more stressful in the era of 4.0. Moreover, family members do not spend much time in order to connect or communicate with each other. Thus, they do not care about the development of children or cause between husband and wife conflicts more and more. The most fundamental factor is that they have to know ways to create connection among relatives in families such as balance between clarical work and family or take more family trips.
To sum up, it can be concluded that less caring family members occurs as a result of many fundamental causes and it also has some detrimental effects on member connection.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"In this day and age" -> "Currently"
Explanation: "In this day and age" is a colloquial expression. "Currently" is more formal and suitable for academic writing. -
"a lot of people" -> "many individuals"
Explanation: "A lot of people" is informal and vague. "Many individuals" is more precise and formal. -
"invest their parents" -> "spend time with their parents"
Explanation: "Invest their parents" is incorrect and unclear. "Spend time with their parents" correctly conveys the intended meaning. -
"remarkable reasons and consequences" -> "significant reasons and consequences"
Explanation: "Remarkable" can imply emotional judgment, which is less suitable in academic writing. "Significant" is neutral and appropriate. -
"individuals have less time more and more" -> "individuals are increasingly less available"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Increasingly less available" is grammatically correct and clearer. -
"pressure from their work make them to be busier" -> "work-related pressures make them busier"
Explanation: "Make them to be busier" is awkward and incorrect. "Make them busier" is grammatically correct and more direct. -
"the proliferation of the Internet such as social network, games or entertainment programs" -> "the proliferation of the Internet, including social networks, games, and entertainment programs"
Explanation: The original list is grammatically incorrect and lacks proper punctuation. The revised version corrects these issues and improves readability. -
"makes people less to interact with face-to-face" -> "reduces face-to-face interaction"
Explanation: "Makes people less to interact with face-to-face" is awkward and grammatically incorrect. "Reduces face-to-face interaction" is clear and grammatically correct. -
"live the virtual world or follow a path towards criminal behaviors" -> "immerse themselves in the virtual world or engage in criminal behaviors"
Explanation: "Live the virtual world" is an idiom and too informal for academic writing. "Immerse themselves in the virtual world" is more precise and formal. -
"psycholosis" -> "psychological disorders"
Explanation: "Psycholosis" is not a recognized term. "Psychological disorders" is the correct and appropriate term. -
"much time to work, but they do not have many opportunities to share or interact with their family" -> "little time to work, leaving them with few opportunities to share or interact with their family"
Explanation: The original sentence is awkwardly structured. The revised version clarifies the relationship between work and family time. -
"make them to be more stressful" -> "increases their stress levels"
Explanation: "Make them to be more stressful" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "Increases their stress levels" is grammatically correct and clearer. -
"clarical work" -> "official work"
Explanation: "Clarical work" is not a recognized term. "Official work" is the correct term. -
"take more family trips" -> "plan more family trips"
Explanation: "Take more family trips" is vague and informal. "Plan more family trips" is more specific and formal.
These changes enhance the formality, clarity, and precision of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Task Response: 5
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both aspects of the prompt—reasons why people spend less time with their families and the effects on themselves and their families. It discusses reasons such as work pressure and distractions like the Internet. However, the explanations lack depth and clarity. The effects on individuals and families are mentioned briefly but not elaborated sufficiently.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay should provide more specific examples and elaborate further on how work pressure and digital distractions lead to less family time. Additionally, it should expand on the effects on individuals’ mental health and family dynamics with clear examples.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay’s position is somewhat clear—it acknowledges that people are spending less time with their families due to work and digital distractions. However, the essay lacks a strong thesis statement that clearly outlines this position from the outset. The stance on the effects is hinted at but not explicitly stated or consistently maintained throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, the essay should begin with a clear thesis statement that outlines the reasons and effects discussed. It should also ensure that every paragraph and example reinforces this stance, maintaining coherence and consistency.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas but lacks sufficient development and support. For instance, it mentions work pressure and digital distractions as reasons but does not delve into specific examples or provide evidence to substantiate these claims. Similarly, the effects on individuals and families are briefly mentioned without detailed elaboration.
- How to improve: To strengthen the essay, each idea should be supported with specific examples, statistics, or anecdotes. This will add depth and credibility to the arguments presented. Additionally, each idea should be extended by exploring its implications or providing counterarguments where appropriate.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by discussing why people spend less time with their families and the resulting effects. However, there are instances where the language and examples used (e.g., "criminal behaviors," "psycholosis") seem tangential and unclear, detracting from the coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the essay should avoid vague or unrelated terms and ensure that all examples and arguments directly relate to the topic of family time and its consequences. Clear, precise language will help in maintaining relevance and coherence.
Overall, while the essay attempts to address the prompt, it lacks depth in its explanations and coherence in maintaining a clear position throughout. By providing more specific examples, developing ideas with evidence, ensuring clarity in stance, and maintaining relevance to the topic, the essay could significantly improve its Task Response score.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to organize its points logically but struggles with coherence due to frequent grammatical errors and unclear progression of ideas. For instance, the introduction lacks clarity and coherence, making it challenging for the reader to understand the main argument immediately.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, focus on structuring each paragraph around a clear topic sentence that directly relates to the essay prompt. Ensure each paragraph develops a single idea coherently before transitioning to the next. Consider using linking words and phrases more effectively to connect ideas and improve overall flow.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: Paragraphing is attempted, but transitions between paragraphs are often abrupt, and some paragraphs lack clear topic sentences or cohesive development of ideas. The second paragraph, for example, shifts abruptly from discussing work pressures to internet activities without a clear link.
- How to improve: Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea of the paragraph. Ensure that all sentences within the paragraph support and develop that main idea logically. Use transitional phrases or words (e.g., "Furthermore," "In addition," "Moreover") to create smoother transitions between paragraphs and ensure coherence throughout the essay.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: Cohesive devices are used inconsistently and often incorrectly throughout the essay. There is an attempt to use linking words (e.g., "firstly," "on the other hand") but their effectiveness is limited due to grammatical errors and improper usage.
- How to improve: Focus on using cohesive devices correctly and appropriately. Use a variety of linking words and phrases to show logical relationships between ideas (e.g., cause and effect, contrast, addition). Ensure that each cohesive device enhances the clarity and coherence of your arguments rather than confusing the reader. Practice using these devices in context to develop a more natural flow of ideas.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates an attempt to organize ideas and use paragraphs, improvements in clarity, coherence, and effective use of cohesive devices are necessary to achieve a higher band score. Focus on structuring your essay more clearly around the prompt and refining your use of language to improve overall coherence and cohesion.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 5
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of vocabulary, although there are instances of repetitive word choices and some imprecise use of vocabulary. For example, "psycholosis" is not a standard term and could confuse the reader. There are instances where simpler synonyms could have been used to enhance clarity and sophistication.
- How to improve: To improve, focus on incorporating more diverse synonyms and avoiding repetitive phrases. For instance, instead of "make them to be more stressful," consider "exacerbate their stress levels." Additionally, use established terms correctly; for instance, replace "psycholosis" with "psychological issues" or "mental health problems" for clarity and accuracy.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are examples where vocabulary could be more precise. For instance, the phrase "on the grounds that" could be replaced with "because," and "follow a path towards criminal behaviors" might be clearer as "engage in criminal activities."
- How to improve: Aim for more precise and concise expressions. Use words in contexts that fit their exact meanings. Replace general terms with specific ones where possible, like replacing "fundamental factor" with "key consideration" or "critical aspect."
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally adequate but inconsistent. There are several errors such as "psycholosis" instead of "psychosis," "clarical" instead of "clerical," and "make them to be" should be "make them."
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, proofread carefully for common errors and consider using spell-check tools. Focus on learning the correct spelling of unfamiliar or problematic words encountered during writing.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates an attempt to use a variety of vocabulary, improvements in precision and spelling accuracy could elevate the Lexical Resource score. Ensuring precise vocabulary usage and consistent spelling would help convey ideas more effectively and improve overall coherence.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic variety of sentence structures, including simple and compound sentences. However, the complexity and variety are limited. For instance, there is a frequent use of simple sentence structures throughout, such as "On the one hand," and "Moreover," which although clear, lack sophistication. There is an attempt at some complex structures, but these are not consistently applied or well-developed.
- How to improve: To enhance variety and effectiveness, incorporate a wider range of sentence structures, including complex sentences with subordinate clauses. For example, instead of starting every paragraph with a basic transition phrase, consider integrating more complex sentence patterns that showcase greater syntactical control and sophistication. This could involve using conditional sentences, passive voice constructions, or embedding clauses within sentences to express relationships more subtly.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay shows some proficiency in grammar and punctuation, but errors are noticeable throughout the text. These errors include subject-verb agreement issues ("a lot of people are increasingly busy"), incorrect verb forms ("they do not have much time to invest their parents"), and punctuation mistakes (e.g., missing commas in complex sentences).
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on fundamental grammar rules such as subject-verb agreement, verb forms, and proper punctuation. Reviewing sentence structures for clarity and correctness will help in avoiding fragmentary or run-on sentences. For instance, revise sentences for proper punctuation and clarity, ensuring that each sentence is complete and grammatically correct. Additionally, consider seeking feedback or using grammar-checking tools to identify and correct recurring errors.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a sufficient level of grammatical accuracy and a basic range of sentence structures, there is room for improvement in both areas to achieve a higher band score. Strengthening these aspects will enhance the coherence, sophistication, and overall effectiveness of the writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
In contemporary society, many individuals are increasingly occupied with work-related pressures, leaving them with little time to spend with their parents, sparking considerable debate. I firmly believe that there are several significant reasons and consequences associated with this trend.
On the one hand, people are becoming busier primarily due to work demands. For instance, the necessity to meet job requirements often compels individuals to work longer hours, resulting in reduced family time and increased distance among family members. Additionally, the widespread use of the Internet, including social networks, games, and entertainment platforms, further diminishes face-to-face interactions. People spend considerable time on these activities, replacing traditional family interactions with virtual engagements. Moreover, some may even immerse themselves in the virtual world or engage in activities that lead to criminal behavior.
On the other hand, the lack of investment in family time can have various negative effects. Firstly, individuals, especially adolescents, are more susceptible to psychological disorders due to heightened stress levels resulting from excessive work commitments and insufficient family interaction. Furthermore, decreased family time leads to reduced communication and connection among family members, potentially hindering the development of children and exacerbating conflicts between spouses. Addressing these issues requires finding a balance between professional obligations and family responsibilities, as well as prioritizing activities like family outings to foster stronger familial bonds.
In conclusion, the trend of spending less time with family members stems from multiple underlying factors and has detrimental effects on familial relationships. Efforts should be made to mitigate these effects by promoting a healthier balance between work and family life and enhancing opportunities for meaningful family interactions.