The bar chart shows the number of people who visited different museums in London.

In June, the number of guests to History, British, and Science museums were relatively similar, at a bit higher than 400,000 while National museum recorded half the figure, at around 200,000 visits. The figures for History, British, and National museums remained fairly constant in the subsequent month before skyrocketing to a high of 600,000, over 700,000 and more than 300,000 visits in August respectively. In contrast, Science museum saw a slight decrease in its number of visits in August.
Going to museums became less popular by the end of the year. Although the figure for British museum witnessed a sudden fall to a low of 450,000 in December, it remained the most chosen destination among the given places. Similarly, there were significant decreases in the number of visits to History Museum and National Museum to 250,000 and 180,000 in turn. On the contrary, the figure for Science museum shot up to 500,000 visits in September before a pullback to 300,000 at the end of the time frame.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"In June, the number of guests to History, British, and Science museums were relatively similar" -> "In June, the visitor numbers to the History, British, and Science museums were comparable"
Explanation: Replacing "the number of guests" with "visitor numbers" and "were relatively similar" with "were comparable" refines the language to be more precise and formal, suitable for an academic context.
"at a bit higher than 400,000" -> "slightly exceeding 400,000"
Explanation: "Slightly exceeding" is more precise and formal than "a bit higher than," aligning better with academic style.
"National museum recorded half the figure" -> "The National Museum recorded half this number"
Explanation: Replacing "half the figure" with "half this number" clarifies that it refers to the previously mentioned number, enhancing clarity and formality.
"skyrocketing to a high of 600,000, over 700,000 and more than 300,000 visits" -> "peaked at 600,000, 700,000, and over 300,000 visits"
Explanation: "Peaked at" is a more precise and formal term than "skyrocketing," which can be seen as overly dramatic and informal for academic writing.
"Science museum saw a slight decrease" -> "The Science Museum experienced a minor decline"
Explanation: "Experienced a minor decline" is more formal and specific than "saw a slight decrease," fitting the academic tone better.
"Going to museums became less popular" -> "Visitation to museums decreased"
Explanation: "Visitation to museums decreased" is a more formal and precise way to describe the change in popularity, avoiding the informal tone of "going to museums became less popular."
"the most chosen destination" -> "the most visited destination"
Explanation: "The most visited destination" is more accurate and formal than "the most chosen destination," which is awkward and unclear in this context.
"On the contrary" -> "In contrast"
Explanation: "In contrast" is a more formal and academically appropriate phrase than "On the contrary," which can sound slightly informal.
"the figure for Science museum shot up" -> "visitation to the Science Museum increased dramatically"
Explanation: "Visitation to the Science Museum increased dramatically" is more formal and precise than "the figure for Science museum shot up," which uses colloquial language.
"pullback to 300,000 at the end of the time frame" -> "returned to 300,000 by the end of the period"
Explanation: "Returned to" is more precise and formal than "pullback," which is an informal term not typically used in academic writing.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the data, but it does not fully cover all the key features. For example, the essay mentions that the number of visitors to the British Museum decreased in December, but it does not mention that the number of visitors to the Science Museum increased in September.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more detail about the key features of the data. For example, the essay could mention the specific number of visitors to each museum in each month. The essay could also be improved by providing a more detailed overview of the main trends in the data. For example, the essay could mention that the number of visitors to all four museums generally decreased from August to December.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay arranges information and ideas coherently, demonstrating a clear overall progression. However, while cohesive devices are used effectively, there are instances where cohesion between sentences is somewhat mechanical. The referencing is not always clear, and while paragraphing is present, it does not always follow a logical structure. The essay presents a central topic within each paragraph, but the transitions between ideas could be smoother to enhance clarity.
How to improve: To achieve a higher band score, the writer should focus on improving the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs. This can be done by using a wider variety of cohesive devices and ensuring that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. Additionally, clarifying references and ensuring that all cohesive devices are used appropriately will strengthen the overall coherence of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, with some attempts to use less common vocabulary, such as "skyrocketing" and "pullback." However, there are inaccuracies in word choice and collocation, such as "the number of guests to" instead of "the number of visitors to," and "the most chosen destination" which could be more naturally phrased. There are also minor errors in spelling and word formation, such as "National museum" which should be "National Museum." These issues do not impede communication but do detract from the overall lexical resource.
How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with greater precision. This includes selecting more appropriate collocations and ensuring correct capitalization of proper nouns. Additionally, incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and phrases would elevate the essay’s quality. Regular practice with synonyms and varied sentence structures can also help improve lexical flexibility.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6 performance. While the writer attempts to convey information clearly, there are some grammatical errors and awkward phrases that occasionally hinder communication. For example, phrases like "at a bit higher than 400,000" could be more clearly expressed, and the use of "in turn" is somewhat inappropriate in this context. Overall, the essay shows a basic understanding of grammatical structures, but the errors present do affect the overall clarity and flow of the writing.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on the following areas:

Sentence Structure: Aim to use a wider variety of complex sentence structures while ensuring they are grammatically correct.
Error Correction: Review and revise sentences to eliminate awkward phrasing and grammatical errors. Reading the essay aloud can help identify areas that sound unnatural.
Punctuation: Pay attention to punctuation rules to ensure clarity and correctness, especially in compound and complex sentences.
Practice: Regularly practice writing essays and seek feedback to identify recurring grammatical issues and work on them systematically.

Bài sửa mẫu

In June, the number of guests to the History, British, and Science museums was relatively similar, at just over 400,000, while the National Museum recorded half that figure, at around 200,000 visits. The figures for the History, British, and National museums remained fairly constant in the subsequent month before skyrocketing to highs of 600,000, over 700,000, and more than 300,000 visits in August, respectively. In contrast, the Science Museum saw a slight decrease in its number of visits in August.

Visiting museums became less popular by the end of the year. Although the figure for the British Museum witnessed a sudden fall to a low of 450,000 in December, it remained the most popular destination among the given places. Similarly, there were significant decreases in the number of visits to the History Museum and the National Museum, dropping to 250,000 and 180,000, respectively. On the contrary, the figure for the Science Museum shot up to 500,000 visits in September before pulling back to 300,000 at the end of the time frame.