Many people around the world use social media to keep in touch with other people and get the news. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Many people around the world use social media to keep in touch with other people and get the news. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Social media have a crucial part in our lives and there are some discussions about whether it can bring more benefits than drawbacks for people. From my point of view, I lean toward the advantages of the social media
The first advantage of using social media is the closer bonding between people in our society because these platforms can give us a chance to connect with people who live far away from us. For example, some students study abroad and are only able to see their families once or twice a year face to face but with the development of online apps such as Facebook or Zalo, they can see each other through video at any moment. Only a small drawback of this development is these apps depended a lot on the quality of the WIFI connection during the conversation.
Another big advantage of the rise of the social media is people can get the news easier than before and the news have been selected from the topics they like. It happens because in the process of people using these apps, the calculator will know which is their favorite topics and suggest them that topics more often. For example, if a person only just talks to a friend that he or she really love football, then there will be a big chance, Facebook will suggest that person with a lot of football news but sometimes it can be really dangerous for our privacy.
In conclusion, the benefits of the social media are too many that we cannot be ignore and now they become a part of our lives.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "Social media have" -> "Social media have"
   Explanation: The verb "have" should be pluralized to "have" to agree with the plural noun "media."

2. "a crucial part" -> "a crucial role"
   Explanation: "Role" is more precise and appropriate in this context, as it refers to the function or position that social media plays in people’s lives.

3. "lean toward the advantages" -> "favor the advantages"
   Explanation: "Favor" is a more formal and precise term than "lean toward," which is somewhat colloquial and vague.

4. "closer bonding" -> "strengthened bonds"
   Explanation: "Strengthened bonds" is a more formal and precise phrase that better conveys the idea of improved relationships.

5. "give us a chance" -> "provide an opportunity"
   Explanation: "Provide an opportunity" is more formal and academically appropriate than "give us a chance."

6. "only able to see" -> "only able to meet"
   Explanation: "Meet" is more specific and appropriate in this context, referring to in-person interactions.

7. "face to face" -> "in person"
   Explanation: "In person" is a more formal expression commonly used in academic writing.

8. "with the development of online apps such as Facebook or Zalo" -> "with the advent of online platforms such as Facebook and Zalo"
   Explanation: "Advent" is more formal and precise than "development," and "platforms" is a more encompassing term than "apps."

9. "these apps depended a lot on" -> "these platforms rely heavily on"
   Explanation: "Rely heavily on" is a more formal and precise way to express dependence.

10. "the rise of the social media" -> "the rise of social media"
    Explanation: "Social media" should not be preceded by "the" when referring to the general concept.

11. "people can get the news easier than before" -> "people can access news more easily than previously"
    Explanation: "Access news more easily than previously" is more formal and precise, improving clarity and formality.

12. "the news have been selected" -> "news are curated"
    Explanation: "Curated" is a more precise and formal term than "selected," which is somewhat vague in this context.

13. "the calculator will know" -> "algorithms will determine"
    Explanation: "Algorithms" is a more accurate term than "calculator," which is incorrect in this context.

14. "suggest them that topics" -> "suggest topics to them"
    Explanation: "Suggest topics to them" is grammatically correct and clearer.

15. "a big chance" -> "a significant likelihood"
    Explanation: "A significant likelihood" is more formal and precise than "a big chance."

16. "Facebook will suggest that person" -> "Facebook may suggest this person"
    Explanation: "May suggest" is more appropriate than "will suggest" as it acknowledges the uncertainty and potential bias in algorithmic suggestions.

17. "we cannot be ignore" -> "we cannot ignore"
    Explanation: "Cannot ignore" is grammatically correct and more formal.

18. "now they become a part of our lives" -> "they have become an integral part of our lives"
    Explanation: "Have become an integral part" is more formal and accurately describes the pervasive nature of social media in modern life.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both sides of the prompt by discussing the advantages of social media (closer bonding between people, easier access to news tailored to preferences) while briefly mentioning a minor drawback (dependence on WIFI quality). However, the essay does not thoroughly explore potential disadvantages nor provide a balanced discussion of whether advantages outweigh disadvantages.
  • How to improve: To improve, the essay should provide a more balanced analysis by exploring disadvantages in more depth. It should also clearly articulate a position on whether advantages outweigh disadvantages, supported by specific examples.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay states a clear preference towards the advantages of social media. The position is maintained consistently throughout the essay, albeit with some lack of depth in argumentation and counter-argument.
  • How to improve: To enhance clarity and depth, the essay should provide stronger arguments supporting the chosen position and acknowledge opposing viewpoints with more substantial counter-arguments.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about the benefits of social media (connecting people, easier news access) but lacks depth in supporting these ideas with detailed examples or analysis. The example of students studying abroad using social media for video calls is relevant but could be expanded with more specifics.
  • How to improve: To improve, the essay should provide more specific examples and detailed explanations that illustrate how social media benefits outweigh disadvantages. This can be achieved through deeper analysis of each benefit mentioned.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the advantages and minor drawbacks of social media as related to staying connected and accessing news. However, there are instances where the focus slightly deviates, such as the brief mention of privacy concerns without elaboration.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the essay should ensure that every point discussed directly relates to the prompt. It should avoid tangential discussions and ensure that each example provided reinforces the main argument about whether advantages outweigh disadvantages.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the prompt and maintains a clear position on the advantages of social media, there is room for improvement in providing a more balanced analysis, supporting ideas with deeper examples, and staying consistently focused on the topic throughout. By addressing these areas, the essay could achieve a higher band score by presenting a more comprehensive and well-developed argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic level of organization. It starts with an introduction that outlines the writer’s stance but lacks a clear thesis statement. Each paragraph focuses on a separate advantage of social media: connecting people and accessing news. While the ideas are relevant, the transitions between paragraphs are somewhat abrupt, lacking smooth connections that would enhance coherence.
  • How to improve: To improve logical organization, the writer should consider structuring the essay more cohesively. Introduce a clear thesis statement in the introduction that previews the main advantages discussed. Use transition phrases between paragraphs (e.g., "Furthermore," "On the other hand") to create smoother connections between ideas. Ensure each paragraph builds on the previous one logically to strengthen the overall argument.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use paragraphs to separate different ideas, but some paragraphs could be more developed. For instance, the paragraph discussing the advantages of connecting with distant family members via social media is clear but could benefit from more elaboration on how this impacts relationships and communication.
  • How to improve: Improve paragraph structure by ensuring each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea. Provide supporting details and examples to fully develop each point. Avoid overly short paragraphs that may disrupt the flow of the essay. Consider integrating ideas more seamlessly between paragraphs to enhance coherence.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices such as "for example" and "but," but these are used somewhat sparingly. More sophisticated cohesive devices like pronouns ("these," "it") and linking words ("therefore," "consequently") are underutilized, which affects the overall coherence of the essay.
  • How to improve: To enhance cohesion, incorporate a wider variety of cohesive devices throughout the essay. Use pronouns and demonstratives to refer back to previously mentioned ideas and connect them more explicitly. Introduce linking words and phrases to show logical relationships between sentences and paragraphs (e.g., cause and effect, contrast). This will help create a more cohesive and fluent piece of writing.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of organizing ideas and using paragraphs, there is room for improvement in terms of logical coherence and the effective use of cohesive devices. By implementing these suggestions, the writer can elevate the structure and clarity of their essay to achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. There are attempts to use varied vocabulary, such as "advantages," "drawbacks," "crucial," "development," "bonding," "platforms," "facial," "apps," "quality," "connection," "advantage," "rise," "selected," "topics," "process," "calculator," "suggest," "dangerous," "privacy," and "conclusion." However, some phrases lack specificity or precision, which impacts the overall depth and complexity of the vocabulary used.
  • How to improve: To enhance lexical range, incorporate more precise and nuanced vocabulary. For instance, instead of "advantages" and "drawbacks," consider more specific terms like "benefits" and "limitations." Aim for synonyms that convey shades of meaning more effectively, such as "essential" instead of "crucial" or "platforms" instead of "apps." Utilize idiomatic expressions and collocations naturally to elevate lexical sophistication.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally uses vocabulary precisely, as seen in phrases like "closer bonding," "video," "suggest," and "privacy." However, there are instances where vocabulary lacks precision, such as "advantages" and "development," which are used broadly without specific contextualization. This affects the clarity and impact of the arguments presented.
  • How to improve: Ensure each word choice is deliberate and accurate. For example, instead of using general terms like "advantages," specify the exact benefits, such as "enhanced connectivity" or "expanded social networks." Use adjectives and adverbs effectively to qualify nouns and verbs, providing clarity and depth to your points. Avoid overuse of generic phrases and strive for more exact terminology to articulate ideas more precisely.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally adequate, with words like "crucial," "development," "advantage," and "privacy" correctly spelled throughout the essay. However, there are occasional errors, such as "facial" instead of "face-to-face" and "calculator" instead of "algorithm." These errors do not significantly detract from overall comprehension but indicate room for improvement.
  • How to improve: Pay closer attention to specific terms and their correct spelling. Practice proofreading to catch minor errors and consider using spelling tools to verify accuracy. Additionally, reviewing common problem areas like hyphenated phrases or technical terms can help improve spelling consistency.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable command of vocabulary and spelling, there is room for enhancement, particularly in the precision and variety of vocabulary usage. By focusing on selecting more specific and contextually appropriate words and refining spelling accuracy, the essay can achieve a higher level of lexical resource proficiency.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. There is evidence of simple and compound sentences throughout, with occasional complex structures (e.g., "Only a small drawback of this development is these apps depended a lot on the quality of the WIFI connection during the conversation"). However, more variety in sentence structure, such as the use of conditional sentences, passive voice, or more complex clauses, could enhance the essay’s sophistication and clarity.
  • How to improve: To improve, try incorporating more diverse sentence structures. Introduce conditional sentences (e.g., "If social media were to enhance privacy settings, users might feel more secure"), passive constructions (e.g., "News is disseminated based on user preferences"), and complex sentences with subordinate clauses (e.g., "Although social media facilitates global connections, privacy concerns persist"). These additions can elevate the essay’s complexity and improve coherence.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay displays reasonable grammatical accuracy with some noticeable errors. For instance, there are issues with subject-verb agreement (e.g., "these apps depended") and punctuation (e.g., missing commas before coordinating conjunctions in compound sentences). Additionally, some sentences could benefit from clearer structuring to avoid ambiguity.
  • How to improve: Focus on improving grammatical accuracy by reviewing subject-verb agreement rules and practicing punctuation rules, especially the use of commas in compound sentences (e.g., "…, and suggest them that topics more often" should be "…, and suggest those topics more often"). Revise sentence structures to enhance clarity and coherence, ensuring each sentence conveys its intended meaning effectively.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates competency in grammatical range and accuracy, further diversification of sentence structures and refinement of grammatical precision would strengthen the overall presentation and coherence of ideas.

Bài sửa mẫu

Social media plays a crucial role in our lives, sparking debates over whether its advantages outweigh the drawbacks. From my perspective, I firmly believe in the benefits of social media.

One significant advantage is the strengthened bonds among people in our society. Platforms like Facebook and Zalo provide an opportunity for individuals separated by vast distances to maintain regular contact. For instance, students studying abroad may only meet their families once or twice a year in person, but with the advent of online platforms such as Facebook and Zalo, they can engage in video calls anytime. The only potential drawback of this development is its reliance on a stable WIFI connection for uninterrupted communication.

Another major benefit of the rise of social media is the ease with which people can access news tailored to their interests. These platforms rely heavily on algorithms that suggest topics based on users’ preferences. For example, if someone frequently discusses their passion for football with friends, there is a significant likelihood that Facebook may suggest football-related news. However, this could also pose risks to personal privacy.

In conclusion, the advantages of social media are undeniable; they have become an integral part of our lives that we cannot ignore. They not only strengthen personal connections but also provide easy access to personalized news updates.