look at the bar chart and describe

The bar graph indicates the total spending on 3 distinct types among various age groups of the UK’s citizens in 2004.
Overall, what stands out from the graph is that the expenditure on food and drink was the most common from the age 31 to age 76 and beyond, the opposite spending pattern was true for people under 30. In addition, the amount of money people at 61-75 spent on restaurant and hotel took up the smallest proportion of the other age group.
To begin with, as regards the citizens under the age 30, the majority of spending on restaurant and hotel was approximately 15% while only 7% for food and drink. If we look at the figure for residents from group 31-4, the percentage of restaurant and hotel was as many as the proportion of those seen in age group 46-60. Also, people in the UK spend only 8% on entertainment which was half as much as food and drink. If we look at the graph, as for group of residents from 46-60, the expenditure on food and drink was much more than on restaurant and hotel, at about 18% and 12% respectively.
Regarding citizen from the age 61-75 and over 76, food and drink together with entertainment was the most common option and about 3 times higher than the other. By contrast, restaurant and hotel had the lowest percentage which were all under 10% for restaurant and hotel spending in both groups.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"the total spending on 3 distinct types" -> "the total expenditure on three distinct categories"
Explanation: Replacing "spending" with "expenditure" and "3 distinct types" with "three distinct categories" enhances the formality and specificity of the phrase, aligning better with academic style.
"what stands out from the graph is" -> "it is evident from the graph that"
Explanation: "It is evident from the graph that" is a more formal and precise way to introduce a conclusion drawn from data, improving the academic tone.
"the expenditure on food and drink was the most common" -> "expenditure on food and drink was the dominant"
Explanation: Replacing "the most common" with "the dominant" uses a more precise term that is commonly used in academic discourse to describe patterns in data.
"the opposite spending pattern was true for people under 30" -> "the opposite pattern of expenditure was observed among individuals under 30"
Explanation: "The opposite pattern of expenditure was observed among individuals under 30" uses more formal language and specifies the subject, enhancing clarity and formality.
"the amount of money people at 61-75 spent on restaurant and hotel took up the smallest proportion" -> "the proportion of expenditure on restaurant and hotel by individuals in the 61-75 age group was the smallest"
Explanation: This revision clarifies the subject and verb agreement, and uses a more formal structure, which is preferable in academic writing.
"the majority of spending on restaurant and hotel" -> "the majority of expenditure on restaurant and hotel services"
Explanation: Adding "services" specifies the type of expenditure, enhancing precision and clarity.
"as many as the proportion of those seen in age group 46-60" -> "comparable to the proportion in the 46-60 age group"
Explanation: "Comparable to the proportion in the 46-60 age group" is more precise and avoids the informal "as many as," which is better suited for everyday conversation than academic writing.
"people in the UK spend only 8% on entertainment" -> "UK residents allocated only 8% of their expenditure to entertainment"
Explanation: "Allocated only 8% of their expenditure to entertainment" is more formal and precise, specifying the action of spending and the type of expenditure.
"food and drink together with entertainment was the most common option" -> "food and drink, along with entertainment, was the most prevalent option"
Explanation: "Along with entertainment" is a more formal way to connect items in a list, and "prevalent" is a more academic term than "common."
"about 3 times higher than the other" -> "approximately three times higher than the others"
Explanation: "Approximately three times higher than the others" is more precise and formal, improving the academic tone.
"restaurant and hotel had the lowest percentage" -> "restaurant and hotel expenditures had the lowest percentages"
Explanation: Adding "expenditures" and "percentages" clarifies the subject and verb agreement, enhancing the formality and specificity of the statement.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the data, but it does not fully extend the key features. For example, the essay states that "the expenditure on food and drink was the most common from the age 31 to age 76 and beyond," but it does not provide any specific details about the percentage of spending on food and drink in these age groups. The essay also presents some irrelevant details, such as the fact that "people in the UK spend only 8% on entertainment which was half as much as food and drink." This detail is not relevant to the main trends in the data.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific details about the key features of the data. For example, the essay could state that "the percentage of spending on food and drink was highest in the age group 61-75, at 23%." The essay could also be improved by removing irrelevant details. For example, the essay could remove the sentence "people in the UK spend only 8% on entertainment which was half as much as food and drink."

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion suitable for Band 6. The information is generally arranged coherently with a clear overall progression from discussing spending patterns of different age groups to specific categories. Paragraphing is used adequately but could be more logically structured in places. There is an attempt to use cohesive devices, although some of them are used mechanically or inaccurately ("the opposite spending pattern was true," "to begin with," "by contrast"). Overall, while the essay shows coherence in its organization and progression of ideas, improvements in the use of cohesive devices and paragraphing logic would strengthen its cohesion.

How to improve:
To improve coherence and cohesion towards a higher band score:

Ensure that cohesive devices (such as pronouns, conjunctions, and linking words) are used more effectively to establish clear relationships between ideas.
Pay attention to paragraphing to ensure each paragraph focuses clearly on a central topic and follows a logical order of presentation.
Avoid mechanical use of cohesive devices; instead, use them more naturally to enhance the flow and clarity of ideas throughout the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a somewhat limited range of vocabulary, focusing on basic and repetitive terms such as "expenditure," "spending," and "proportion." While there are attempts to vary sentence structure and include some descriptive language ("the majority of spending," "much more than"), there is a lack of sophistication in lexical choice and occasional inaccuracies ("the opposite spending pattern was true," "restaurant and hotel took up the smallest proportion"). Additionally, noticeable errors in word choice ("as many as the proportion," "3 times higher than the other") and word formation ("over 76," should be "76 and older") detract from clarity.

How to improve: To improve lexical resource, aim to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary that is more precise and varied. Use more specific terms instead of general ones (e.g., "expenditure" could be replaced with "spending habits" or "outlays"). Focus on accuracy in word choice and avoid repetitive phrasing. Work on spelling and word formation accuracy to enhance overall clarity and readability.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an attempt at using a variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences, but there are several grammatical errors throughout. The errors include problems with subject-verb agreement, incorrect word choices, and awkward phrasing that occasionally disrupts the clarity of communication. Punctuation issues also contribute to the lack of fluency in some sentences. While there is an effort to vary sentence structure, the accuracy of these attempts varies, with frequent errors that sometimes hinder understanding.

How to improve:
To improve the Grammatical Range and Accuracy score:

Grammar Accuracy: Focus on correcting errors related to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and word form accuracy.
Sentence Structure: Aim for clearer and more precise sentence structures, ensuring complex sentences are used accurately and effectively.
Punctuation: Practice using punctuation correctly to enhance clarity and coherence in writing.

Overall, while the essay attempts to vary sentence structures and include complex sentences, the frequent grammatical errors and occasional lack of clarity suggest a Band 5.0 for Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

The bar graph illustrates the expenditure across three distinct categories among different age brackets of UK residents in the year 2004.

Overall, the most notable trend depicted in the graph is the predominant spending on food and drink among individuals aged 31 and older, contrasting with younger age groups. Conversely, expenditure on restaurants and hotels was lowest among those aged 61-75 and above 76, compared to other age groups.

For individuals under 30 years old, the majority of expenditure was allocated to restaurants and hotels, comprising approximately 15%, while spending on food and drink accounted for only 7%. Moving to the 31-45 age group, spending on restaurants and hotels equaled that of the 46-60 age group. Additionally, entertainment spending was recorded at 8%, half the amount spent on food and drink.

Examining the 46-60 age group, expenditure on food and drink was significantly higher at around 18%, compared to 12% spent on restaurants and hotels. In contrast, individuals aged 61-75 and over 76 allocated the highest proportion of their expenditure to food and drink, as well as entertainment, which together accounted for approximately three times the amount spent by other age groups. Conversely, spending on restaurants and hotels in these age groups remained below 10%.

This revised version maintains the original data and structure while enhancing clarity and precision in expression, aligning with the standards expected in IELTS Writing Task 1.