Multi-cultural societies, in which there is a mixture of different ethnic people, bring more benefits than drawbacks to a country. To what extent do you agree and disagree?

In a contemporary world, the existence of a diverse ethnic group, called multicultural communities, has led to debate whether it brings about such pros for the nation. In my estimation, I regard this statement with approval for the positive impacts, which is going to be apparently explained in this essay.

First of all, multiple ethnic societies give rise to such worthy knowledge. The diversity of traditions, customs, art forms or even manners may obviously pose a wide range of new horizons for the locals, which enhance their own school of thoughts about the surrounding world. Thereby, abilities of absorbing knowledge may open their minds to be more and more clever, resulting effectively in their daily activities. Therefore, these people with various cultures give the communities such new types of improving intellectual aspects of thinking.

What’s more, this phenomenon causes an increasing trend for the economy as well. As regards, the more developing in populations, the more productitive a workplace can gain. These ethnic labor forces also have various types of working, fostering the efficiency of companies. Due to that, the finance of the countries at large can rise to a significant rate, dealing with the troubles in financial gain. Hence, the development of one nation may reach success thanks to the appearance of the mixture of ethnic people.

To sum up, based on these mentioned advantages, I totally agree with the multicultural trend as it sheds light on such numerous merits to the improvement of the state. Therefore, this matter should be encouraged more by both citizens and the government around the world.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"In a contemporary world" -> "In the contemporary world"
Explanation: Adding "the" before "contemporary world" corrects the grammatical error and aligns with formal writing standards by specifying the definite article.
"called multicultural communities" -> "known as multicultural communities"
Explanation: "Known as" is more precise and formal than "called," which is somewhat informal and less specific in this context.
"has led to debate" -> "has sparked debate"
Explanation: "Spark" is a more precise verb in academic contexts, indicating the initiation of a discussion or controversy.
"such pros for the nation" -> "such benefits for the nation"
Explanation: "Benefits" is a more formal and precise term than "pros," which is colloquial and vague.
"which is going to be apparently explained" -> "which will be explained"
Explanation: "Will be explained" is more direct and formal than "is going to be apparently explained," which is awkward and redundant.
"multiple ethnic societies give rise to such worthy knowledge" -> "the presence of multiple ethnic societies fosters valuable knowledge"
Explanation: "Fosters" is a more precise verb than "give rise to," and "valuable" is more specific than "worthy," which is somewhat vague.
"may obviously pose a wide range of new horizons" -> "may clearly offer a broad range of new perspectives"
Explanation: "Offer" is more appropriate than "pose" in this context, and "perspectives" is more specific and academically suitable than "horizons."
"abilities of absorbing knowledge" -> "capacity for knowledge absorption"
Explanation: "Capacity for knowledge absorption" is a more formal and precise phrase than "abilities of absorbing knowledge."
"may open their minds to be more and more clever" -> "may enhance their cognitive abilities"
Explanation: "Enhance their cognitive abilities" is a more formal and precise way to describe the improvement in mental faculties.
"What’s more" -> "Furthermore"
Explanation: "Furthermore" is a more formal transitional phrase than "What’s more," which is colloquial.
"the more developing in populations" -> "the greater the population growth"
Explanation: "The greater the population growth" is a clearer and more formal expression than "the more developing in populations."
"productitive" -> "productive"
Explanation: "Productive" is the correct spelling and form of the adjective.
"fostering the efficiency of companies" -> "enhancing company efficiency"
Explanation: "Enhancing company efficiency" is a more concise and formal way to express the improvement in business productivity.
"the finance of the countries at large" -> "national finances"
Explanation: "National finances" is a more precise and formal term than "the finance of the countries at large."
"dealing with the troubles in financial gain" -> "addressing financial challenges"
Explanation: "Addressing financial challenges" is more specific and formal than "dealing with the troubles in financial gain."
"the development of one nation may reach success" -> "national development may achieve success"
Explanation: "National development may achieve success" is more formal and avoids the awkward phrasing of "the development of one nation."
"this matter should be encouraged more" -> "this trend should be encouraged further"
Explanation: "This trend should be encouraged further" is more precise and formal, replacing the vague "this matter."

These changes enhance the academic tone and precision of the essay, aligning it with formal writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by clearly stating a position in favor of multicultural societies and outlining the benefits they bring to a country. The introduction sets the stage for discussing the positive impacts, and the body paragraphs provide specific examples related to knowledge enhancement and economic growth. However, the essay could have briefly acknowledged potential drawbacks to present a more balanced view, which is often expected in IELTS Task 2 responses.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could include a brief mention of potential drawbacks of multicultural societies, such as social tensions or integration challenges. This would demonstrate a more nuanced understanding of the topic and allow for a more comprehensive discussion.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, consistently supporting the idea that multicultural societies are beneficial. Phrases like "I regard this statement with approval" and "I totally agree" reinforce the writer’s stance. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother to enhance clarity.
- How to improve: To improve clarity, the writer should ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that directly relates to the thesis. Additionally, using transitional phrases between points can help guide the reader through the argument more effectively.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents and supports ideas well, particularly in the discussion of knowledge and economic benefits. The examples provided are relevant and illustrate the points made. However, some ideas could be further developed. For instance, the mention of "new horizons for the locals" could benefit from specific examples or anecdotes to illustrate how this knowledge manifests in real-life scenarios.
- How to improve: To strengthen the support for ideas, the writer should aim to include specific examples or data that illustrate the benefits of multicultural societies. This could involve citing studies, statistics, or real-world examples that demonstrate the positive impacts mentioned.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic, focusing on the benefits of multicultural societies. However, there are moments where the phrasing could be more precise. For instance, the phrase "the finance of the countries at large can rise to a significant rate" could be clearer in its implications and relevance to the topic.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every sentence contributes directly to the argument. Avoiding vague statements and ensuring that all examples are tightly linked to the benefits of multiculturalism will help keep the essay on topic. Additionally, reviewing the essay for any off-topic phrases or ideas before submission can help tighten the focus.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the topic and presents a well-supported argument. With some adjustments to address potential drawbacks, enhance clarity, and provide more specific examples, the essay could achieve an even higher score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument in favor of multicultural societies, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct benefit. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and the conclusion succinctly summarizes the main points. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing knowledge acquisition in the first paragraph to economic benefits in the second feels somewhat abrupt.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect ideas between paragraphs. For example, after discussing the benefits of knowledge in the first paragraph, a sentence like "In addition to intellectual growth, multicultural societies also contribute significantly to economic development" could serve as a bridge to the next point.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is structured into clear paragraphs, each addressing a specific aspect of the argument. The first paragraph focuses on knowledge, the second on economic benefits, and the conclusion reiterates the overall stance. However, the first paragraph could be further divided to separate the introduction of the topic from the elaboration on the benefits, which would enhance clarity.
- How to improve: Consider starting a new paragraph after the sentence that introduces the benefits of multiculturalism. This would allow for a more focused discussion on knowledge in one paragraph and a separate paragraph for its implications. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that outlines its main idea.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as "first of all," "what’s more," and "to sum up," which help guide the reader through the argument. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat repetitive, particularly the phrase "such" in different contexts, which can detract from the overall sophistication of the writing.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "such," consider alternatives like "these," "this," or "these factors." Additionally, using more complex cohesive devices, such as "in contrast," "consequently," or "for instance," can enhance the essay’s cohesion and complexity.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion, meriting a band score of 8. By refining transitions, improving paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices, the essay can achieve an even higher level of clarity and sophistication.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to use a variety of vocabulary related to the topic of multiculturalism, such as "diverse ethnic group," "multicultural communities," and "intellectual aspects." However, the range is somewhat limited, and some phrases are repetitive or awkwardly constructed, such as "the existence of a diverse ethnic group" and "the mixture of ethnic people." This indicates a reliance on certain expressions rather than a broader vocabulary.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. For example, instead of repeating "ethnic," alternatives like "cultural," "racial," or "community" could be used. Additionally, using more sophisticated phrases such as "cultural exchange" or "social integration" would enrich the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "worthy knowledge" and "new horizons," which may not effectively convey the intended meaning. The phrase "abilities of absorbing knowledge" is also somewhat awkward and could be clearer. The use of "school of thoughts" is incorrect; the correct term is "schools of thought."
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately reflects their ideas. For instance, instead of "worthy knowledge," they could say "valuable insights." Additionally, reviewing common collocations and idiomatic expressions would help in selecting the most appropriate words for their arguments.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "productitive" (should be "productive") and "finance of the countries at large can rise to a significant rate" (the phrase is awkward, but spelling is correct). While the overall spelling is generally acceptable, these errors detract from the professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, possibly using spell-check tools or reading the essay aloud to catch mistakes. Additionally, practicing spelling common academic vocabulary and terms related to the essay topic can help solidify correct spelling in future writings.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of lexical resource, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling are necessary to achieve a higher band score. Focusing on these areas will enhance the overall quality of the writing and better convey the writer’s arguments.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of phrases like "In my estimation, I regard this statement with approval for the positive impacts" showcases a complex structure that effectively conveys the author’s viewpoint. However, there are instances where sentence structures could be more varied. For instance, the sentence "The diversity of traditions, customs, art forms or even manners may obviously pose a wide range of new horizons for the locals" is somewhat convoluted and could benefit from clearer segmentation or rephrasing.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures further, the writer should consider incorporating more varied introductory phrases and clauses. Using participial phrases or conditional clauses could enhance the complexity and fluidity of sentences. For example, instead of saying "the more developing in populations, the more productive a workplace can gain," the writer could rephrase it to "As populations develop, workplaces can become increasingly productive." This not only varies the structure but also improves clarity.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that detract from the overall quality. For instance, the phrase "the more developing in populations" is grammatically incorrect; it should be "the more developed populations." Additionally, punctuation issues arise, such as the missing comma in "As regards, the more developing in populations, the more productive a workplace can gain," which disrupts the flow of the sentence. The use of "which is going to be apparently explained in this essay" is awkward and could be simplified for better clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and correct word forms. Regular practice with grammar exercises that emphasize these areas can be beneficial. Furthermore, reviewing punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, will help improve clarity. Reading the essay aloud can also help identify awkward phrasing and punctuation errors, allowing for revisions that enhance overall readability.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, there are specific areas for improvement. By diversifying sentence structures and focusing on grammatical precision, the writer can elevate their writing to achieve a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the contemporary world, the existence of diverse ethnic groups, known as multicultural communities, has sparked debate about whether it brings more benefits than drawbacks to a country. In my estimation, I regard this statement with approval for the positive impacts, which will be explained in this essay.

First of all, multiple ethnic societies give rise to valuable knowledge. The diversity of traditions, customs, art forms, and even manners may clearly offer a broad range of new perspectives for the locals, which enhances their own ways of thinking about the surrounding world. Thereby, the capacity for knowledge absorption may open their minds to become more clever, resulting effectively in their daily activities. Therefore, these people with various cultures provide the communities with new types of intellectual improvement.

Furthermore, this phenomenon causes an increasing trend in the economy as well. As regards the greater the population growth, the more productive a workplace can become. These ethnic labor forces also have various types of working styles, fostering the efficiency of companies. Due to this, the national finances can rise to a significant rate, addressing financial challenges. Hence, the development of a nation may achieve success thanks to the presence of a mixture of ethnic people.

To sum up, based on these mentioned advantages, I totally agree with the multicultural trend as it sheds light on numerous merits for the improvement of the state. Therefore, this trend should be encouraged further by both citizens and the government around the world.