The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work on one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparison where relevant.

The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work on one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparison where relevant.

Recently, most people have been simple to approach available knowledge in education due to socialization; however, many mature people are still not able to spell or write. This trend leads to a lot of drawbacks for the survival of a nation.
First, education is advanced with both offline and online formal, but many people do not access to this because of the different problems. For instance, their family can not afford their tuition fee or they have to go to work to earn money for daily activities and so on. This causes a big literacy for society and drags down the economy of a nation. Moreover, in a society with less development in knowledge, the residents and the governments will be in danger and their country will be occupied anytime.
Besides, if more and more adults can not read or write, new generations will not be passed down and lacked knowledge of the human race. Therefore, the governments should have different solutions to this issue. They need to build a lot of educational facilities and support people who are in poor circumstances. Addiction, the authority should encourage people to take part in education programs to promote reading and writing skills in this society.
In conclusion, if this problem still occurs, not only the governments but also global citizens should be self-awareness and contribute to prevent literacy.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "Recently, most people have been simple to approach available knowledge" -> "Recently, many individuals have become more accessible to available knowledge"
   Explanation: The original phrase "have been simple to approach" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revised phrase "have become more accessible to" corrects the grammar and enhances clarity, aligning with formal academic language.

2. "socialization" -> "advancements in technology and social media"
   Explanation: The term "socialization" is too broad and informal for this context. "Advancements in technology and social media" specifies the factors contributing to increased access to knowledge, which is more precise and contextually appropriate.

3. "many mature people are still not able to spell or write" -> "many adults still struggle with basic literacy skills"
   Explanation: "Mature people" is vague and informal; "adults" is more specific and formal. "Struggle with basic literacy skills" is a more precise and academically appropriate way to describe the issue.

4. "This trend leads to a lot of drawbacks for the survival of a nation" -> "This trend poses significant challenges to national survival"
   Explanation: "A lot of drawbacks" is vague and informal. "Significant challenges" is more precise and formal, fitting the academic style better.

5. "education is advanced with both offline and online formal" -> "education has evolved to include both offline and online formats"
   Explanation: "Advanced with both offline and online formal" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "Evolved to include both offline and online formats" corrects the grammar and clarifies the meaning.

6. "many people do not access to this" -> "many individuals lack access to these"
   Explanation: "Do not access to this" is grammatically incorrect. "Lack access to these" corrects the grammar and is more formal.

7. "their family can not afford their tuition fee" -> "their families cannot afford the tuition fees"
   Explanation: "Their family can not" is grammatically incorrect and informal. "Their families cannot" corrects the grammar, and "the tuition fees" is the correct plural form.

8. "they have to go to work to earn money for daily activities and so on" -> "they must work to earn a living and cover daily expenses"
   Explanation: "Go to work to earn money for daily activities and so on" is informal and vague. "Must work to earn a living and cover daily expenses" is more precise and formal.

9. "a big literacy for society" -> "a significant literacy gap in society"
   Explanation: "A big literacy for society" is grammatically incorrect and unclear. "A significant literacy gap in society" corrects the grammar and clarifies the meaning.

10. "drags down the economy of a nation" -> "impacts the national economy"
    Explanation: "Drags down" is informal and colloquial. "Impacts" is a more formal and precise term suitable for academic writing.

11. "the residents and the governments will be in danger and their country will be occupied anytime" -> "residents and governments may face danger, and their countries may be vulnerable to occupation at any time"
    Explanation: The original phrase is overly dramatic and informal. The revised version is more measured and formal, avoiding hyperbole.

12. "not only the governments but also global citizens should be self-awareness" -> "not only governments but also global citizens should be self-aware"
    Explanation: "Self-awareness" should be "self-aware" for grammatical correctness. The phrase is also more concise and formal.

13. "contribute to prevent literacy" -> "contribute to preventing illiteracy"
    Explanation: "Prevent literacy" is incorrect as literacy refers to the state of being able to read and write. "Preventing illiteracy" corrects this and is grammatically correct.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 2

Band Score for Task Response: 2 – UNDER WORD

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay fails to address the prompt effectively. The task requires summarizing information from a chart regarding employment in five types of work, but the essay discusses literacy issues instead. There is no mention of the chart, its data, or any comparisons relevant to the employment figures from 2001 and 2008. This indicates a significant misunderstanding of the task requirements.
  • How to improve: To improve, the writer should first ensure they fully understand the prompt. They should focus on summarizing the key features of the chart, such as trends in employment numbers across the different job types. Including specific data points and making comparisons between the years would be essential to meet the task requirements.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay lacks a clear position regarding the topic of employment as it diverts to discussing literacy instead. While there are opinions expressed about the importance of education, they do not relate to the employment data required by the prompt. As a result, the essay does not maintain a consistent stance throughout.
  • How to improve: The writer should establish a clear position that directly relates to the employment data. They could state their viewpoint on the significance of the employment trends shown in the chart and ensure that all subsequent points support this position. Staying focused on the topic will help maintain clarity.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas related to literacy and education but fails to extend or support them with relevant evidence from the chart. There are no statistics or specific examples from the data provided in the prompt, which weakens the argument and makes it less persuasive.
  • How to improve: To enhance the presentation of ideas, the writer should refer directly to the data in the chart. They could present key statistics, explain their significance, and compare the changes over the two years. This would not only support their ideas but also demonstrate a thorough understanding of the task.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay deviates significantly from the topic of employment in the specified region. Instead of discussing the employment figures and their implications, it focuses on literacy issues, which are unrelated to the prompt. This lack of focus results in a failure to address the task adequately.
  • How to improve: To stay on topic, the writer should carefully read the prompt and outline their response based on the chart’s content. They should ensure that each paragraph relates back to the employment data, avoiding unrelated themes. A clear structure that follows the chart’s layout could help maintain focus.

In summary, the essay does not meet the requirements of the IELTS Task 2 prompt due to its lack of relevance to the topic, absence of data analysis, and failure to present a clear position. To improve, the writer should focus on summarizing the chart’s information, maintaining relevance to the prompt, and supporting their ideas with specific examples from the data.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 5

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas that are somewhat related to the topic of literacy and education; however, the organization lacks clarity and logical progression. For example, the initial statement about socialization and knowledge in education does not clearly connect to the subsequent discussion on literacy issues. The transition from discussing the barriers to education to the consequences of poor literacy is abrupt and does not follow a clear logical sequence.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the essay could benefit from a clearer introduction that outlines the main points to be discussed. Each paragraph should focus on a single idea, with clear topic sentences that guide the reader. Using linking phrases such as "Firstly," "In addition," and "Finally" can help to create a more coherent flow of ideas.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use paragraphs, but they are not effectively structured. The first paragraph introduces the topic but mixes several ideas without clear separation. The second paragraph begins to address solutions but does so without a clear transition from the previous ideas. The conclusion is also somewhat vague and does not summarize the key points effectively.
  • How to improve: Each paragraph should have a clear focus. For instance, the first paragraph could discuss the current state of literacy, the second could address the causes of low literacy rates, and the third could outline potential solutions. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph starts with a clear topic sentence and ends with a concluding sentence can help reinforce the main ideas.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, such as "however" and "moreover," but they are limited and not always used correctly. For example, "Addiction" seems to be a typographical error and disrupts the flow of the argument. The use of cohesive devices is inconsistent, which affects the overall coherence of the essay.
  • How to improve: To improve the use of cohesive devices, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases to connect ideas more effectively. For example, using "Furthermore," "Consequently," and "On the other hand" can help clarify relationships between points. Additionally, ensuring that cohesive devices are used appropriately in context will enhance the overall clarity of the essay.

In summary, to achieve a higher band score for coherence and cohesion, the essay should focus on improving the logical organization of ideas, structuring paragraphs more effectively, and using a broader range of cohesive devices accurately.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but it lacks variety and sophistication in word choice. For example, phrases like "simple to approach available knowledge" and "big literacy for society" are somewhat awkward and do not convey the intended meaning clearly. The use of "advanced" in the context of education is also vague and could be replaced with more precise terms such as "enhanced" or "improved."
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more specific terms. For instance, instead of "big literacy," consider using "significant literacy challenges" or "high levels of illiteracy." Engaging with a broader vocabulary through reading and practice can help the writer express ideas more effectively.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that can lead to confusion. For example, the phrase "their family can not afford their tuition fee" could be more accurately expressed as "their families cannot afford tuition fees." Additionally, the term "addiction" in the context of encouraging education programs appears to be a misused word, as it typically refers to a compulsive behavior rather than a call to action.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on the context in which words are used. It may be beneficial to review commonly used phrases and collocations in academic writing. For example, replacing "addiction" with "Furthermore" or "Additionally" would clarify the intent and improve the flow of the argument.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of correct and incorrect spelling. Words such as "mature" and "government" are spelled correctly, while "can not" should be written as "cannot," and "self-awareness" is incorrectly presented as "self-awareness." The inconsistency in spelling detracts from the overall professionalism of the essay.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular proofreading practices. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help identify errors. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of frequently misspelled words can aid in improving overall spelling skills.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary appropriate for the task, there are clear areas for improvement in range, precision, and spelling. By focusing on expanding vocabulary, using words more accurately, and enhancing spelling practices, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in Lexical Resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. Most sentences are simple or compound, with few complex sentences that could enhance the depth of the writing. For example, sentences like "This trend leads to a lot of drawbacks for the survival of a nation" and "Moreover, in a society with less development in knowledge, the residents and the governments will be in danger" show some variety but lack complexity. The use of conjunctions is present, but the essay could benefit from more varied sentence beginnings and structures to convey ideas more effectively.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses. For instance, instead of saying "many people do not access to this because of the different problems," the writer could say, "Many people are unable to access education due to various challenges, such as financial constraints or the need to work." Additionally, varying the use of introductory phrases or clauses can help create a more engaging flow.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its clarity. For example, the phrase "most people have been simple to approach available knowledge in education" is awkward and grammatically incorrect; it should be rephrased for clarity. Additionally, "can not" should be written as "cannot," and "a big literacy for society" is an incorrect expression; it should be "a significant literacy issue for society." Punctuation errors, such as missing commas and periods, also affect the readability of the essay.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should review basic grammar rules, particularly concerning verb forms and sentence structure. Practicing sentence rephrasing can help clarify meaning. For punctuation, the writer should focus on proper comma usage, especially in compound sentences and before conjunctions. Reading the essay aloud can help identify awkward phrases and punctuation errors, allowing for corrections before submission.

In summary, while the essay presents relevant ideas, improving the range of grammatical structures and enhancing accuracy in grammar and punctuation will significantly elevate the overall quality of the writing. Regular practice and feedback can aid in developing these skills further.

Bài sửa mẫu

Recently, most people have found it easier to access available knowledge in education due to socialization; however, many adults are still unable to read or write. This trend poses significant challenges to the survival of a nation.

First, education has evolved to include both offline and online formats, but many individuals lack access to these due to various problems. For instance, their families cannot afford the tuition fees, or they must work to earn a living and cover daily expenses. This creates a significant literacy gap in society and negatively impacts the national economy. Moreover, in a society with less development in knowledge, residents and governments may face danger, and their countries may be vulnerable to occupation at any time.

Additionally, if more and more adults cannot read or write, new generations will not inherit the knowledge of the human race. Therefore, governments should implement different solutions to this issue. They need to build more educational facilities and support people who are in poor circumstances. Furthermore, authorities should encourage people to participate in educational programs to promote reading and writing skills in society.

In conclusion, if this problem persists, not only should governments but also global citizens be self-aware and contribute to preventing illiteracy.