The diagram shows how rainwater is collected for the use of drinking water in an Australian town

At the beginning of the process, rainwater falls on the roof. After that, through a drain located on the side of the house, all of the water collected will have flowed to the water filler areas. After being separated out in order to eliminate bacteria and other harmful substances. The water is all put in the water storage to prepare for another step to process.

The process continued with the water treatment, where useful chemicals is added and transferred to domestic taps or water tanks for people to use.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"At the beginning of the process" -> "Initially"
Explanation: "Initially" is a more concise and formal term that effectively conveys the idea of the beginning of a process without redundancy.
"rainwater falls on the roof" -> "rainwater collects on the roof"
Explanation: "Collects" is a more precise verb in this context, as it accurately describes the action of rainwater accumulating on the roof.
"After that, through a drain located on the side of the house, all of the water collected will have flowed" -> "Subsequently, the water is channeled through a drain on the house’s side, eventually flowing"
Explanation: "Subsequently" provides a more formal transition between sentences, and "is channeled" is more specific than "will have flowed," which is unnecessarily complex and less direct.
"all of the water collected will have flowed" -> "all the collected water flows"
Explanation: Simplifying "will have flowed" to "flows" removes the future tense, which is unnecessary in this context, making the sentence more direct and formal.
"to the water filler areas" -> "to the water storage areas"
Explanation: "Water storage areas" is a more accurate and formal term than "water filler areas," which is unclear and potentially misleading.
"After being separated out in order to eliminate bacteria and other harmful substances" -> "After being filtered to remove bacteria and other contaminants"
Explanation: "Filtered" is a more precise term than "separated out," and "contaminants" is a more technical term than "harmful substances."
"The water is all put in the water storage to prepare for another step to process" -> "The water is stored in preparation for further processing"
Explanation: "Stored in preparation for further processing" is more concise and formal, avoiding the redundancy of "put in the water storage to prepare for another step to process."
"useful chemicals is added" -> "chemicals are added"
Explanation: Correcting "is" to "are" addresses the grammatical error and maintains subject-verb agreement.
"useful chemicals" -> "chemical additives"
Explanation: "Chemical additives" is a more precise term in the context of water treatment, enhancing the technical accuracy of the statement.
"transferred to domestic taps or water tanks for people to use" -> "distributed to domestic faucets and water storage tanks for consumer use"
Explanation: "Distributed" is more specific and formal than "transferred," and "faucets and water storage tanks" are more precise terms than "domestic taps or water tanks." Additionally, "consumer use" is more formal than "people to use."

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 4

Band Score: 4

Explanation: The essay attempts to address the task but does not cover all key features/bullet points. The essay does not provide a clear overview of the process, and it does not adequately highlight all key features/bullet points. For example, the essay does not mention the water filter, which is a key feature of the process. The essay also does not mention the fact that the water is treated with chemicals before being transferred to domestic taps or water tanks.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing a clearer overview of the process and by highlighting all key features/bullet points. The essay could also be improved by providing more detail about the process, such as the types of chemicals used in the water treatment process. The essay should also be written in a more formal and objective tone.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there are notable issues with overall progression and clarity. While it attempts to describe the process of rainwater collection, the sequence of ideas is not entirely logical, particularly in the second sentence, which lacks clarity. The use of cohesive devices is inconsistent, leading to some confusion in the flow of information. Additionally, paragraphing is present but not effectively utilized, as the ideas could be better grouped to enhance coherence.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on logically sequencing the steps in the process and ensuring that each paragraph has a clear central topic. Using a wider range of cohesive devices appropriately will help to connect ideas more fluidly. Additionally, improving the clarity of sentences and ensuring that each step in the process is fully explained before moving on to the next will contribute to a more coherent overall structure.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it communicates the basic process of rainwater collection, the vocabulary used is quite basic and lacks variety. There are noticeable errors in word choice, such as "useful chemicals is added" instead of "useful chemicals are added," which affects grammatical accuracy. Additionally, the phrase "the water filler areas" is somewhat unclear and could be expressed more precisely. Spelling and word formation errors are present, which may cause some difficulty for the reader, such as "separated out in order to eliminate bacteria" which is awkwardly phrased.

How to improve: To enhance the Lexical Resource score, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary, including less common lexical items relevant to the topic. Using more precise terms to describe the process (e.g., "collection points" instead of "water filler areas") would improve clarity. Additionally, ensuring grammatical accuracy in subject-verb agreement and avoiding awkward phrasing will strengthen the overall quality of the essay. Practicing with synonyms and varying sentence structures can also help to convey meanings more fluently and flexibly.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily relying on simple sentence forms. While there are attempts at complex sentences, they are not consistently accurate. The essay contains several grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement issues (e.g., "useful chemicals is added") and awkward phrasing ("the water is all put in the water storage"). These errors can cause some difficulty for the reader in understanding the process being described. Overall, the grammatical control is insufficient to achieve a higher band score.
How to improve: To improve the score, the writer should focus on using a wider variety of sentence structures, including more complex and compound sentences. Additionally, ensuring subject-verb agreement and refining sentence clarity will enhance grammatical accuracy. Proofreading for common grammatical errors and practicing writing more complex sentences can also help achieve a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

The diagram illustrates how rainwater is collected for drinking water in an Australian town.

At the beginning of the process, rainwater falls on the roof. After that, through a drain located on the side of the house, all of the collected water flows to the water filler areas. The water is then separated to eliminate bacteria and other harmful substances. Subsequently, it is stored in the water storage tank in preparation for the next processing step.

The process continues with water treatment, where useful chemicals are added, and the treated water is transferred to domestic taps or water tanks for people to use.