The graph below shows the proportion of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 in three different countries. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main feature and make comparisons where relevant.

The graph below shows the proportion of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 in three different countries.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main feature and make comparisons where relevant.

The line chart illustrates the changes in the number of people aged 65 and over in the past and the prediction in the future over the period of 100 years starting from 1940 in three separate nations.
Overall, the figure for the age group over 65 in all three countries increased throughout the past and these are predicted to rise continuously in the future. It is also evident that Janpanese people aged 65 and over accounted for the lowest number in the past and it is expected to surpass two other nations in the future.
In 1940, the proportion of American stood at around 9%. Then this figure witnessed a moderate growth to 15% in 2024, despite a minimal decrease to 14% in 2015. Similarly, starting at 7% in the first examined year, the number of Swedish people then experienced a two-fold increase to 14% in 1985. This figure saw another rise to a fifth before falling slightly to 19% in 2024. On the other hand, after remaining stable at minor percentage from 1940 to 1985, the figure for Janpanese people climbed gradually to 8% in 2024.
From 2024 onwards, the proposition of all three countries are predicted to increase. The proportion of people aged 65 and over in USA and Sweden are expected to climb significantly to 23% and over a quarter in 2040 respectively. Similarly, the figure for people in Janpan is expected to increase sharply to reach a peak of 27% in the end (the highest number of this year).

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The line chart illustrates" -> "The line graph illustrates"
Explanation: "Graph" is more commonly used in academic contexts to refer to a visual representation of data, making it a more precise choice than "chart."
"the prediction in the future" -> "future projections"
Explanation: "Future projections" is a more formal and precise term that accurately describes the predicted data in an academic context.
"over the period of 100 years starting from 1940" -> "over a 100-year period beginning in 1940"
Explanation: "Over a 100-year period beginning in 1940" is more formal and avoids redundancy by removing "the period of."
"the figure for the age group over 65" -> "the proportion of individuals aged 65 and over"
Explanation: "Proportion of individuals aged 65 and over" is more specific and formal, improving clarity and precision.
"It is also evident that Janpanese people" -> "It is also apparent that Japanese individuals"
Explanation: "Japanese individuals" is the correct spelling and term, and "apparent" is a more academically appropriate term than "evident."
"stood at around 9%" -> "was approximately 9%"
Explanation: "Was approximately" is more formal and precise than "stood at around," which is somewhat colloquial.
"witnessed a moderate growth" -> "experienced a moderate increase"
Explanation: "Experienced a moderate increase" is more specific and appropriate for describing changes in data over time.
"despite a minimal decrease" -> "despite a slight decrease"
Explanation: "Slight" is a more commonly used term in academic writing than "minimal," which can sound overly emphatic.
"a two-fold increase" -> "a doubling"
Explanation: "A doubling" is a more concise and formal way to describe a two-fold increase.
"a fifth" -> "a fivefold increase"
Explanation: "A fivefold increase" is more precise and formal, clarifying the extent of the increase.
"On the other hand" -> "Conversely"
Explanation: "Conversely" is a more formal transitional phrase suitable for academic writing.
"the proposition of all three countries are predicted to increase" -> "the proportions of all three countries are predicted to increase"
Explanation: "Proportions" is the correct plural form, and "are predicted" is grammatically correct.
"climb significantly" -> "increase substantially"
Explanation: "Increase substantially" is more formal and fits better in an academic context than "climb," which is less formal.
"over a quarter" -> "nearly a quarter"
Explanation: "Nearly a quarter" is a more precise expression, indicating a close approximation rather than an exact proportion.
"the figure for people in Janpan" -> "the proportion of individuals in Japan"
Explanation: "Proportion of individuals in Japan" corrects the spelling error and uses more formal language.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation: The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the graph, but the information is not always presented in a clear and concise way. For example, the essay states that "the figure for Janpanese people aged 65 and over accounted for the lowest number in the past and it is expected to surpass two other nations in the future," but it does not provide any specific data to support this claim. The essay also includes some irrelevant details, such as the statement that "the figure for Janpanese people climbed gradually to 8% in 2024." This detail is not relevant to the main trends in the graph.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific data to support the claims made. The essay could also be made more concise by removing irrelevant details. For example, the essay could be improved by stating that "the proportion of the population aged 65 and over in Japan is expected to surpass the proportions in the USA and Sweden by 2040." This statement is more concise and provides specific data to support the claim.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a coherent arrangement of information with a clear overall progression. The main features of the graph are summarized, and comparisons are made between the three countries. However, there are instances of awkward phrasing and mechanical use of cohesive devices, which detracts from the overall fluidity of the writing. Additionally, referencing and substitution could be improved for clarity. Paragraphing is present but not always logically structured, which affects the overall coherence.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on using a wider range of cohesive devices more naturally, ensuring that transitions between ideas and paragraphs are smooth. Improving the clarity of referencing (e.g., using "this" or "these" more effectively) would help avoid repetition and confusion. Additionally, organizing paragraphs around single central topics with clearer topic sentences would strengthen the logical flow of the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary relevant to the task, with attempts to use less common vocabulary. However, there are noticeable inaccuracies in word choice (e.g., "the number of people aged 65 and over" instead of "the proportion of people aged 65 and over") and some errors in spelling (e.g., "Janpanese" instead of "Japanese"). While these errors do not completely impede communication, they do detract from the overall clarity and precision of the essay. The use of phrases like "witnessed a moderate growth" and "climbed gradually" indicates some flexibility in vocabulary use, but the overall lexical resource is limited and lacks sophistication.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource score, the writer should focus on using a wider range of vocabulary with greater precision. This includes ensuring correct word choice and collocation, as well as avoiding spelling errors. Incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and phrases, as well as varying sentence structures, can help convey ideas more effectively. Additionally, practicing the use of synonyms and less common lexical items while ensuring their correct application will contribute to a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence forms, which is characteristic of a Band 6. While there are some clear ideas and comparisons made, the essay contains several grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that occasionally hinder clarity. For example, phrases like "the figure for the age group over 65 in all three countries increased throughout the past" could be more clearly expressed. Additionally, the use of "Janpanese" instead of "Japanese" is a significant error that detracts from the overall accuracy. The essay does show an attempt at complex structures, but the errors present indicate that the control of grammar and punctuation is not consistent.

How to improve:

Enhance Sentence Variety: Incorporate a wider range of complex structures and ensure that they are used accurately. This will help to demonstrate a better command of grammatical range.
Proofread for Errors: Carefully check for spelling mistakes (e.g., "Janpanese" should be "Japanese") and grammatical inaccuracies. This will help reduce the frequency of errors and improve clarity.
Clarify Ideas: Work on expressing ideas more clearly and concisely. Avoid awkward phrasing and ensure that each sentence contributes effectively to the overall argument or description.
Practice with Feedback: Regularly practice writing essays and seek feedback specifically on grammatical accuracy and range to identify areas for improvement.

Bài sửa mẫu

The line chart illustrates the changes in the proportion of people aged 65 and over from 1940 to 2040 in three separate countries.

Overall, the figures for the age group over 65 in all three countries increased throughout the past, and these are predicted to rise continuously in the future. It is also evident that Japanese people aged 65 and over accounted for the lowest proportion in the past, but it is expected to surpass the other two nations in the future.

In 1940, the proportion of Americans aged 65 and over stood at around 9%. This figure witnessed moderate growth to 15% in 2024, despite a minimal decrease to 14% in 2015. Similarly, starting at 7% in the first examined year, the proportion of Swedish people then experienced a two-fold increase to 14% in 1985. This figure saw another rise to 20% before falling slightly to 19% in 2024. On the other hand, after remaining stable at a minor percentage from 1940 to 1985, the proportion of Japanese people climbed gradually to 8% in 2024.

From 2024 onwards, the proportions of all three countries are predicted to increase. The proportion of people aged 65 and over in the USA and Sweden is expected to climb significantly to 23% and over a quarter in 2040, respectively. Similarly, the figure for people in Japan is expected to increase sharply to reach a peak of 27% by the end of the period, the highest number for that year.