Professional workers like doctors, nurses and teachers make a greater contribution to society and so should be paid more than sports and entertainment personalities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Professional workers like doctors, nurses and teachers make a greater contribution to society and so should be paid more than sports and entertainment personalities.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

There are many types of professional workers available in this world that requires them to put extra effort. A person who involved in profession categories as expert workers must be treated differently compare than other jobs, In my own perspective, I strongly agree with an important profession like doctors, nurses and teachers suppose to received higher-paid as their contribution is direct to the nation.

Professional workers have many responsibilities which require them to be available around the clock. Their working hours are uncertain which sometimes needs them to work during a weekend and holiday. Spending time with family is very limited due to disrupted with a work commitment. For instance, doctors and nurses require them to standby to a certain duration of times after working hours just to assure patients received proper treatment. Additionally, school teachers are also professional workers that need to put consideration to received higher-paid as there are always pressure in managing students. Hence, by considering this circumstance expert workers suppose to be paid with the higher amount.

On the other hand, other carriers like sports and TV personalities are not necessarily to acquires higher-paid as both still require healthcare workers to cured of sickness. For example, during the covid-19 pandemic, many hospitals in this world are not having sufficient doctors and nurses. As a result, many of them are need to work for more than eight hours a day. Although they are not compulsory to obtained higher salary compare than healthcare workers their profession should be respected, this to ensure balancing in society and to ensure the survival of that profession.

To conclude, healthcare workers supposed to obtained higher-paid due to their contribution is much higher. In this regards, other professions should not be left behind as societies are still required sports entertainment to stay healthy and TV entertainment personalities to enjoy and release tension.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "There are many types of professional workers available in this world that requires them to put extra effort." -> "There are numerous types of professional workers that necessitate additional effort from them."
   Explanation: Replacing "available in this world" with "numerous" and "requires them to put extra effort" with "necessitate additional effort from them" refines the sentence by using more precise and formal vocabulary.

2. "A person who involved in profession categories as expert workers must be treated differently compare than other jobs," -> "Individuals in professional categories such as expert workers should be treated differently from other occupations."
   Explanation: "A person who involved" is grammatically incorrect and informal. "Individuals in professional categories such as expert workers" corrects this and enhances formality. "Compare than" is a grammatical error; "from" is the correct preposition for comparison.

3. "suppose to received higher-paid" -> "should receive higher pay"
   Explanation: "Suppose to received higher-paid" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Should receive higher pay" corrects the grammar and simplifies the phrase for clarity and formality.

4. "direct to the nation" -> "directly affecting the nation"
   Explanation: "Direct to the nation" is unclear and informal. "Directly affecting the nation" clarifies the meaning and enhances the formality of the statement.

5. "disrupted with a work commitment" -> "disrupted by work commitments"
   Explanation: "Disrupted with a work commitment" is awkward and incorrect. "Disrupted by work commitments" corrects the preposition and makes the phrase more natural and formal.

6. "standby to a certain duration of times" -> "standby for a certain duration"
   Explanation: "Standby to a certain duration of times" is awkward and unclear. "Standby for a certain duration" simplifies and clarifies the phrase.

7. "put consideration to received higher-paid" -> "deserve higher pay"
   Explanation: "Put consideration to received higher-paid" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Deserve higher pay" is grammatically correct and more direct.

8. "not necessarily to acquires higher-paid" -> "not necessarily require higher pay"
   Explanation: "Not necessarily to acquires higher-paid" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Not necessarily require higher pay" corrects the grammar and improves clarity.

9. "cured of sickness" -> "treat illnesses"
   Explanation: "Cured of sickness" is informal and imprecise. "Treat illnesses" is more formal and accurate in the context of medical professionals.

10. "not having sufficient doctors and nurses" -> "lacking sufficient doctors and nurses"
    Explanation: "Not having sufficient" is less formal and slightly vague. "Lacking sufficient" is more precise and formal.

11. "need to work for more than eight hours a day" -> "must work for more than eight hours a day"
    Explanation: "Need" is less formal than "must," which is more appropriate for academic writing.

12. "compulsory to obtained higher salary compare than healthcare workers" -> "compulsory to receive higher salaries compared to those of healthcare workers"
    Explanation: "Compulsory to obtained higher salary compare than" is grammatically incorrect and awkward. "Compulsory to receive higher salaries compared to those of healthcare workers" corrects the grammar and enhances formality.

13. "this to ensure balancing in society" -> "this to ensure balance in society"
    Explanation: "Balancing" is not the correct form; "balance" is the noun form needed here.

14. "healthcare workers supposed to obtained higher-paid" -> "healthcare workers are supposed to receive higher pay"
    Explanation: "Supposed to obtained higher-paid" is grammatically incorrect. "Are supposed to receive higher pay" corrects the grammar and improves clarity.

15. "In this regards" -> "In this regard"
    Explanation: "Regards" is a plural noun and incorrect in this context. "Regard" is the singular form needed here.

These changes enhance the formality, clarity, and grammatical accuracy of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the contributions of professional workers such as doctors, nurses, and teachers, and compares them to sports and entertainment personalities. The writer clearly states a position of agreement that professional workers should be paid more. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit acknowledgment of the extent of agreement or disagreement, as the prompt asks "to what extent." The discussion of sports and entertainment personalities is somewhat limited and lacks depth, which could lead to a more balanced argument.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly state the extent of their agreement in the introduction and conclusion. Additionally, they should provide a more detailed comparison of the contributions of both groups, perhaps by discussing specific examples of how each contributes to society.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that healthcare professionals deserve higher pay due to their societal contributions. However, there are moments where the argument could be more cohesive. For instance, the transition between discussing healthcare workers and sports personalities could be smoother, as the current structure creates a slight disconnect in the argument.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, the writer should use clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that directly relate back to the thesis. This would help reinforce the main argument throughout the essay and improve the overall flow.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the responsibilities of professional workers and the challenges they face. However, the support for these ideas is somewhat limited. For example, while the essay mentions the long hours of healthcare workers, it does not delve into the implications of these hours on their well-being or the quality of care they provide. Additionally, the argument regarding sports personalities lacks substantial examples or evidence to support the claim that they should not be paid as much.
  • How to improve: To improve this aspect, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and data to support their claims. For instance, including statistics about the average salaries of healthcare workers versus sports personalities, or discussing specific instances where healthcare workers have made significant contributions during crises, would add depth to the argument.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the contributions of healthcare workers versus sports and entertainment personalities. However, there are moments where the relevance of certain points is questionable, such as the mention of the COVID-19 pandemic without a clear connection to the argument about salary disparities. This could confuse the reader regarding the main focus of the essay.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the central argument about salary and contributions. It may be helpful to outline the main points before writing the essay to ensure that all content is relevant and contributes to the overall argument.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, but it could be improved by providing more detailed support for its claims, ensuring a cohesive structure, and maintaining focus on the prompt throughout.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument in favor of higher pay for professional workers such as doctors, nurses, and teachers. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and the body paragraphs are organized to present supporting points. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing the responsibilities of professional workers to the comparison with sports and entertainment personalities lacks a smooth connection. The mention of the pandemic is relevant but could be better integrated to enhance the overall argument.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that directly relate back to the thesis statement. Additionally, employ transitional phrases to guide the reader through the argument. For example, after discussing the responsibilities of healthcare workers, a transition like "In contrast, the roles of sports and entertainment personalities differ significantly" would clarify the shift in focus.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. However, some paragraphs could be more clearly defined. For instance, the second paragraph discusses the responsibilities of professional workers but could be split into two distinct paragraphs: one focusing on healthcare workers and another on teachers. This would allow for a more in-depth exploration of each group’s contributions.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, ensure that each paragraph contains a single main idea supported by examples. Aim for a clear beginning, middle, and end within each paragraph. For example, when discussing teachers, start with a topic sentence that outlines their unique contributions, followed by supporting details and examples.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "for instance" and "on the other hand," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is limited, and some sentences feel abrupt or disconnected. For example, the phrase "this to ensure balancing in society" lacks clarity and could benefit from a more explicit connection to the preceding sentences.
  • How to improve: To diversify and effectively use cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "in addition," "conversely," and "therefore." This will help to create smoother transitions between ideas. Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device clearly relates to the ideas being connected. For example, rephrasing the unclear sentence to something like "This respect is essential for maintaining balance in society and recognizing the value of all professions" would improve clarity and cohesion.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, focusing on logical organization, clearer paragraphing, and a broader range of cohesive devices will enhance the overall coherence and cohesion, potentially leading to a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, but it lacks variety and sophistication in word choice. Phrases like "professional workers," "higher-paid," and "extra effort" are repeated without much variation. For example, the term "professional workers" is used multiple times, which could be replaced with synonyms such as "specialized professionals" or "skilled workers" to enhance lexical diversity.
  • How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate a broader range of vocabulary related to the topic. Using synonyms and varied expressions can help convey ideas more effectively. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "higher-paid," alternatives like "greater remuneration" or "increased compensation" could be employed. Additionally, integrating more advanced vocabulary related to the professions discussed would elevate the essay’s overall quality.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that detract from the clarity of the argument. For example, the phrase "suppose to received higher-paid" is grammatically incorrect and should be "supposed to receive higher pay." Additionally, the term "acquires" in "other carriers like sports and TV personalities are not necessarily to acquires higher-paid" is misused; it should be "required" or "entitled."
  • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on grammatical accuracy and ensure that vocabulary is used correctly in context. Reviewing verb forms and ensuring subject-verb agreement will help. Furthermore, using a thesaurus to find more precise words that fit the context can improve clarity. For example, instead of "cured of sickness," a more precise phrase would be "treated for illnesses."

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "compare" instead of "compared," "carries" instead of "careers," and "obtained" instead of "obtain." These errors can disrupt the flow of reading and detract from the overall professionalism of the essay.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular practice, such as writing exercises focused on commonly misspelled words. Additionally, proofreading the essay before submission can help catch and correct spelling mistakes. Utilizing spell-check tools or apps can also provide immediate feedback on spelling errors, allowing for corrections before finalizing the essay.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling are necessary to achieve a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as simple sentences ("There are many types of professional workers available in this world") and compound sentences ("Their working hours are uncertain which sometimes needs them to work during a weekend and holiday"). However, the overall range is limited, with many sentences following a similar pattern. For example, the phrase "professional workers that need to put consideration to received higher-paid" lacks complexity and could benefit from more varied constructions. Additionally, the use of phrases like "suppose to received higher-paid" indicates a lack of complex grammatical structures.
  • How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should incorporate more complex and compound-complex sentences. For instance, instead of saying "doctors and nurses require them to standby," the writer could use a structure like "doctors and nurses are often required to stand by, ensuring that patients receive proper treatment." Additionally, using subordinate clauses can add depth, such as "Although sports personalities entertain the public, their contributions do not directly impact society’s well-being as much as those of healthcare professionals."

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from clarity. For example, "compare than other jobs" should be "compared to other jobs," and "suppose to received higher-paid" should be "supposed to receive higher pay." The phrase "disrupted with a work commitment" is awkward and should be rephrased for clarity. Additionally, punctuation errors, such as the comma splice in "jobs, In my own perspective," disrupt the flow of the essay. The use of articles is inconsistent, as seen in "the higher amount," which could be more effectively stated as "a higher amount."
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and verb forms. Practicing the correct use of tenses and ensuring that verbs match their subjects will help. For punctuation, the writer should review rules regarding comma usage, particularly in complex sentences. Reading the essay aloud can help identify awkward phrases and punctuation errors. Furthermore, using grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers can provide additional insights into common mistakes.

In summary, while the essay presents a clear argument, there is a need for greater variety in sentence structures and improved grammatical accuracy. By focusing on these areas, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their writing and potentially achieve a higher band score in the future.

Bài sửa mẫu

There are many types of professional workers available in this world that require them to put in extra effort. A person who is involved in professional categories as expert workers must be treated differently compared to other jobs. In my perspective, I strongly agree that important professions like doctors, nurses, and teachers should receive higher pay, as their contributions are direct to the nation.

Professional workers have many responsibilities that require them to be available around the clock. Their working hours are uncertain, which sometimes requires them to work during weekends and holidays. Spending time with family is very limited due to disruptions from work commitments. For instance, doctors and nurses are required to stand by for a certain duration after working hours just to ensure patients receive proper treatment. Additionally, school teachers are also professional workers who need to be considered for higher pay, as there is always pressure in managing students. Hence, by considering this circumstance, expert workers should be paid a higher amount.

On the other hand, other careers like sports and TV personalities do not necessarily require higher pay, as both still need healthcare workers to treat illnesses. For example, during the COVID-19 pandemic, many hospitals in this world lacked sufficient doctors and nurses. As a result, many of them had to work for more than eight hours a day. Although they are not compulsory to receive higher salaries compared to healthcare workers, their profession should be respected to ensure balance in society and to support the survival of that profession.

To conclude, healthcare workers should receive higher pay due to their much greater contributions. In this regard, other professions should not be left behind, as society still requires sports entertainment to stay healthy and TV personalities to enjoy and relieve tension.