Nowadays movies and computer games containing violence are very popular. Some people believe that they have negative effect on the society and should be banned, others, however, believe that it is harmless entertainment. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Violent entertainment has the ability to go viral. Some think that it has a negative impact on society and should thus be prohibited. Some argue that it is non-toxic and promotes relaxation. I believe that this form of entertainment contributes significantly to behavioral issues, especially among young people, and should be monitored.

On the one hand, there is an underlying consensus on the need to minimize unnecessary violence. This is especially true when public television broadcasts violent movies, making them readily available. Many countries impose tight content rules on daytime broadcasts to prevent explicit material from having a negative impact on vulnerable youngsters. Some worry that exposing young children and teenagers to violence might result in the formation of an aggressive attitude or habit. According to research published in the journal "Pediatrics" children who watched violent television shows were more likely to show aggressive behavior in adulthood. As a result, it is critical to maintain and possibly enforce laws on violent material to protect the wellness of young viewers.

On the other hand, many people can easily tell the difference between reality and fiction. Consumers of horror entertainment are just spending their time or looking for an imagined thrill. As a result, seeing such videos may discourage viewers from engaging in violent action or entirely fulfill their need for violence. For instance, research by the American Psychological Association found no conclusive link between playing violent video games and real-world aggression, indicating that such games provide a secure outlet for unused emotions. Therefore, it is important to admit that the underlying causes of violence are diverse and multidimensional, going beyond media consumption alone.

In conclusion, although some degrees of violence in video games and films may need to be regulated, only unique violent material should be allowed. Therefore, excessive monitoring efforts may be misused, resulting in unneeded uncertainty regarding the actual influence of such media on behavior.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Violent entertainment has the ability to go viral." -> "Violent entertainment can spread rapidly."
Explanation: The phrase "go viral" is informal and colloquial. "Spread rapidly" is a more formal and precise term that fits better in an academic context.
"Some think" -> "Some individuals believe"
Explanation: "Some think" is somewhat informal and vague. "Some individuals believe" is more specific and formal, suitable for academic writing.
"non-toxic" -> "harmless"
Explanation: "Non-toxic" is typically used in chemical contexts, not to describe the nature of entertainment. "Harmless" is more appropriate and clear in this context.
"promotes relaxation" -> "offers relaxation"
Explanation: "Promotes" implies causation, which might be too strong for the context. "Offers" is more neutral and accurate in describing the potential benefits of entertainment.
"behaviors" -> "behavioural issues"
Explanation: "Behaviors" is correct but "behavioural issues" is more specific and formal, aligning better with academic style.
"should be monitored" -> "should be regulated"
Explanation: "Monitored" implies observation rather than control. "Regulated" is more precise in the context of governing or controlling the content.
"Many countries impose tight content rules" -> "Several countries impose stringent content regulations"
Explanation: "Tight" is informal and vague; "stringent" is more precise and formal. "Regulations" is also more specific than "rules."
"to prevent explicit material from having a negative impact" -> "to prevent explicit content from exerting a negative influence"
Explanation: "Material" is less specific than "content," and "exerting a negative influence" is more formal and precise than "having a negative impact."
"Many people can easily tell the difference" -> "Many individuals can readily distinguish"
Explanation: "Many people" is informal; "many individuals" is more formal. "Can readily distinguish" is more academically precise than "can easily tell."
"Consumers of horror entertainment are just spending their time or looking for an imagined thrill" -> "Viewers of horror entertainment are merely seeking an imagined thrill or passing the time"
Explanation: "Consumers" is less specific than "viewers" in this context. "Merely" is more formal than "just," and "passing the time" is a more precise phrase than "spending their time."
"seeing such videos may discourage viewers from engaging in violent action" -> "viewing such content may deter viewers from engaging in violent behavior"
Explanation: "Seeing" is less formal than "viewing," and "content" is more specific than "videos." "Deter" is more formal than "discourage," and "behavior" is preferred over "action" in formal writing.
"entirely fulfill their need for violence" -> "completely satisfy their need for violence"
Explanation: "Entirely" is less formal than "completely," which is more suitable for academic writing. "Satisfy" is also more precise than "fulfill" in this context.
"only unique violent material should be allowed" -> "only specific violent content should be permitted"
Explanation: "Unique" is vague and informal; "specific" is more precise. "Permitted" is more formal than "allowed."
"excessive monitoring efforts may be misused" -> "excessive monitoring efforts could be misused"
Explanation: "May" is less forceful than "could," which is more appropriate for hypothetical situations in formal writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses both views regarding the impact of violent movies and computer games on society. The first body paragraph discusses the negative effects, emphasizing the potential for aggressive behavior among youth due to exposure to violent content. The second body paragraph presents the opposing view, arguing that many individuals can distinguish between fiction and reality, and that violent media can serve as a harmless outlet for emotions. However, while both perspectives are discussed, the conclusion could have more explicitly summarized both sides before stating the author’s opinion.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the author could ensure that each viewpoint is not only presented but also explicitly linked back to the overall argument. A clearer summary of both sides in the conclusion would strengthen the essay’s ability to comprehensively address all aspects of the prompt.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The author maintains a clear position throughout the essay, advocating for the regulation of violent content due to its potential negative effects on youth. This is consistently supported by references to research and logical reasoning. However, the conclusion introduces the idea of "unique violent material" which could confuse the reader about the author’s stance on what should be regulated.
- How to improve: To maintain clarity, the author should ensure that the conclusion aligns with the established position. It would be beneficial to reiterate the main argument more directly, perhaps by clearly stating what types of violent content should be regulated and why, thus avoiding ambiguity.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents and supports ideas well, utilizing relevant examples and research to substantiate claims. For instance, the reference to the journal "Pediatrics" effectively supports the argument about the negative impact of violent media on youth. Additionally, the mention of the American Psychological Association’s findings provides a counterpoint that is well-articulated. However, some ideas could be extended further to deepen the analysis.
- How to improve: To improve, the author could expand on the implications of the research findings. For example, discussing how societal factors or parental guidance might mitigate the effects of violent media could provide a more nuanced view. Additionally, integrating more specific examples of violent media and their societal impacts could enhance the depth of the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains largely focused on the topic of violent entertainment and its societal effects. Each paragraph addresses relevant aspects of the prompt. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly focused, particularly in the second body paragraph, where the argument about the harmlessness of violent media could be more directly tied back to the prompt.
- How to improve: To maintain topic focus, the author should ensure that each point made directly relates back to the central question of whether violent media should be banned or not. This can be achieved by explicitly linking back to the prompt in each paragraph, ensuring that all arguments contribute to the overall discussion of the issue at hand.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the topic and effectively communicates the author’s viewpoint, but there are areas for improvement in clarity, depth, and focus.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the topic and the writer’s stance. The body paragraphs are organized to discuss both sides of the argument, which is essential for addressing the prompt effectively. For example, the first body paragraph focuses on the negative impacts of violent media, while the second presents the opposing view. However, the transition between the two sides could be smoother, as the shift from discussing the negative effects to the argument for harmlessness feels somewhat abrupt.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that guide the reader through the argument. For instance, after discussing the negative impacts, a phrase like "Conversely," or "On the other hand," could be employed to signal the shift to the opposing viewpoint more clearly. Additionally, summarizing the main points of each paragraph at the end could reinforce the connections between ideas.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids readability and comprehension. Each paragraph has a clear focus, with the first addressing the negative effects of violence in media and the second countering that argument. However, the conclusion could be more distinct, as it somewhat blends into the final body paragraph without a strong closing statement that encapsulates the discussion.
- How to improve: Ensure that the conclusion is a separate paragraph that succinctly summarizes the main arguments presented in the essay and reiterates the writer’s opinion. This could involve restating the key points made in the body paragraphs and providing a clear final thought or call to action regarding the issue.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand," "On the other hand," and "Therefore," which help to connect ideas and indicate relationships between arguments. However, the range of cohesive devices could be expanded. For instance, while the essay uses some linking words effectively, there are moments where the same devices are repeated, which can make the writing feel somewhat monotonous.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of transitions and connectors. For example, using phrases like "In addition," "Furthermore," or "Conversely" can help to create a more dynamic flow of ideas. Additionally, consider using pronouns or synonyms to avoid repetition and enhance cohesion, such as replacing "violent media" with "such content" in subsequent references.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents arguments clearly, refining the transitions, enhancing paragraph separation, and diversifying cohesive devices will elevate the coherence and cohesion further, potentially improving the band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary related to the topic of violent media. Terms such as "prohibited," "non-toxic," "aggressive attitude," and "secure outlet" show an ability to use varied language effectively. However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more sophisticated or varied. For example, the phrase "violent entertainment" is repeated, which could be replaced with synonyms like "aggressive media" or "violent content" to enhance lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate a broader array of synonyms and expressions. This could involve using a thesaurus to find alternative words or phrases that convey similar meanings, thus avoiding repetition and enhancing the richness of the vocabulary.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary correctly, but there are moments where precision could be improved. For instance, the term "non-toxic" is somewhat misleading in this context, as it typically refers to substances that are not harmful to health, rather than media content. Additionally, the phrase "unique violent material" in the conclusion could be interpreted ambiguously; it is unclear what "unique" refers to in this context.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should ensure that the vocabulary used is appropriate for the context. This can be achieved by double-checking the meanings of words and considering their connotations. For example, replacing "non-toxic" with "harmless" or "benign" would be more suitable when discussing media content.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is largely accurate, which contributes positively to the overall impression of the writing. However, there is a notable error in the phrase "wellness of young viewers," where "wellness" could be more effectively replaced with "well-being" to convey the intended meaning more clearly.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, focusing on commonly confused words and ensuring that all terms are spelled correctly. Additionally, utilizing spell-check tools or writing software can help catch any inadvertent mistakes before submission.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary and a good understanding of the topic, focusing on enhancing lexical variety, precision, and spelling accuracy will help in achieving a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of complex sentences is evident in phrases like "According to research published in the journal ‘Pediatrics’ children who watched violent television shows were more likely to show aggressive behavior in adulthood." This sentence effectively combines a dependent clause with an independent clause, showcasing an understanding of more sophisticated grammatical structures. However, there are instances where sentence structures could be more varied. For example, the phrase "Some think that it has a negative impact on society and should thus be prohibited" could be restructured to enhance its complexity and engagement.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures further, consider incorporating more varied introductory phrases, such as "While some argue that…" or "In contrast to this viewpoint…". Additionally, using more conditional sentences (e.g., "If violent media were banned, it might lead to…") can add complexity and depth to arguments. Experimenting with different ways to connect ideas, such as using participial phrases or relative clauses, can also enhance the overall variety of sentence structures.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay displays a solid command of grammar and punctuation. The use of commas is generally appropriate, as seen in the sentence "As a result, it is critical to maintain and possibly enforce laws on violent material to protect the wellness of young viewers." However, there are some grammatical errors that detract from the overall accuracy. For instance, in the phrase "According to research published in the journal ‘Pediatrics’ children who watched violent television shows were more likely to show aggressive behavior in adulthood," a comma is needed after "Pediatrics" to separate the introductory clause from the main clause. Additionally, the phrase "only unique violent material should be allowed" is somewhat ambiguous and could be clearer.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, pay close attention to punctuation, particularly with introductory clauses and lists. Regularly reviewing rules for comma usage can help prevent errors. Additionally, consider rephrasing ambiguous statements for clarity. For example, instead of "only unique violent material should be allowed," you might say "only certain types of violent material that are deemed particularly harmful should be restricted." This not only clarifies the statement but also enhances the overall coherence of the argument.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

Violent entertainment has the ability to go viral. Some think that it has a negative impact on society and should thus be prohibited. Others, however, argue that it is harmless and promotes relaxation. I believe that this form of entertainment contributes significantly to behavioral issues, especially among young people, and should be monitored.

On the one hand, there is an underlying consensus on the need to minimize unnecessary violence. This is especially true when public television broadcasts violent movies, making them readily available. Many countries impose stringent content regulations on daytime broadcasts to prevent explicit material from exerting a negative influence on vulnerable youngsters. Some worry that exposing young children and teenagers to violence might result in the formation of an aggressive attitude or habit. According to research published in the journal “Pediatrics,” children who watched violent television shows were more likely to show aggressive behavior in adulthood. As a result, it is critical to maintain and possibly enforce laws on violent material to protect the well-being of young viewers.

On the other hand, many individuals can readily distinguish between reality and fiction. Viewers of horror entertainment are merely seeking an imagined thrill or passing the time. As a result, viewing such content may deter viewers from engaging in violent behavior or completely satisfy their need for violence. For instance, research by the American Psychological Association found no conclusive link between playing violent video games and real-world aggression, indicating that such games provide a secure outlet for unused emotions. Therefore, it is important to acknowledge that the underlying causes of violence are diverse and multidimensional, going beyond media consumption alone.

In conclusion, although some degrees of violence in video games and films may need to be regulated, only specific violent content should be permitted. Therefore, excessive monitoring efforts could be misused, resulting in unnecessary uncertainty regarding the actual influence of such media on behavior.