It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

One school of thought holds that young students should necessarily learn about the historic origins and events of their locales rather than global ones. While acknowledging the validations behind this sentiment, I would contend that understanding about worldwide history would contribute to students’ comprehensive perspective of history.
Granted, a strong foundation in local history plays a pivotal role in heightening students’ patriotic spirits and responsibilities with the locales. Exploring the local history involves learning about the establishment, the past events and development of places where students grow up; therefore by bewaring of those, the young could gain a sense of belonging to their locales and appreciation for their ancestors’ contribution to create their today’s lives. For example, in Vietnam, by learning about the Vietnam wars, many students have grown a deep appreciation for their ancestors’ sacrifices for their country’s independence and volunteered to serve the military forces to preserve their sovereignty. Hence, as civic duty requires a high spirit of patriotism and responsibilities towards their nation, a decent understanding about local history is essential to shape up those in children.
However, the aforementioned rationale does not deny the significance of learning outside history, which in combination with local ones would benefit the learners. The prime advantage is that learning world history would deepen students’ views about this subject beyond their domestic scope. As a country’s or an area’s history is just a part of the interconnected history of the world as a whole, if students expand the scope of their research, they would stand a good chance of discovering interesting facts about the occurred events of larger scales such as when Vietnamese students only know the ideology of communism was first proposed in Vietnam by the former president Ho Chi Minh, they will mistake that he invented the idea whereas if students learn about Russian history, they will realize that he actually adopted the ideology from the Russian Revolution. In addition, by learning about the past of other nations, children would get exposed to unique and diverse cultures different from theirs; therefore, expand their visions of the world. Consequently, the significance of world history does not pale in comparison to domestic one but rather both kinds are crucial and supportive of each other in educating students about the past events.
In conclusion, while local history is the root in educating school children about their country, world history holds its own justifications to provide wider knowledge, which could not be overshadowed. In general, students should learn both kinds to adopt their values.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"necessarily learn" -> "should necessarily learn"
Explanation: Adding "should" clarifies the obligation or recommendation, enhancing the formal tone and precision of the statement.
"validations" -> "arguments"
Explanation: "Validations" is not typically used in this context; "arguments" is the correct term for the reasons or justifications supporting a viewpoint.
"understanding about" -> "knowledge of"
Explanation: "Understanding about" is redundant; "knowledge of" is more direct and academically appropriate.
"heightening students’ patriotic spirits" -> "enhancing students’ patriotic sentiments"
Explanation: "Patriotic spirits" is less formal and slightly vague; "patriotic sentiments" is more precise and suitable for academic writing.
"Exploring the local history involves learning about" -> "Exploring local history involves learning"
Explanation: Removing "the" before "local history" simplifies the phrase and aligns better with formal academic style.
"by bewaring of those" -> "by being aware of these"
Explanation: "Bewaring" is not a standard term; "being aware of" is the correct phrase for indicating knowledge or understanding.
"the young could gain" -> "students could gain"
Explanation: "The young" is too vague and informal; "students" is specific and appropriate for academic contexts.
"a deep appreciation for their ancestors’ contribution" -> "a profound appreciation for their ancestors’ contributions"
Explanation: "Contribution" should be plural to match the plural subject "ancestors," and "profound" is more formal than "deep."
"shape up those in children" -> "develop these qualities in children"
Explanation: "Shape up those in children" is informal and unclear; "develop these qualities in children" is clearer and more formal.
"learning outside history" -> "studying outside of history"
Explanation: "Learning outside history" is awkward and unclear; "studying outside of history" is more precise and formal.
"the prime advantage" -> "the primary advantage"
Explanation: "Prime" is less formal and slightly archaic; "primary" is more commonly used in academic writing.
"the occurred events" -> "the occurred events"
Explanation: "The occurred events" is grammatically incorrect; "the occurred events" should be "the occurred event" or "the events that occurred."
"when Vietnamese students only know" -> "when Vietnamese students are only aware"
Explanation: "Know" is too simplistic and informal; "are only aware" is more precise and formal.
"he actually adopted the ideology from the Russian Revolution" -> "he actually adopted the ideology from the Russian Revolution"
Explanation: This is a correct and clear statement, no change needed.
"get exposed to unique and diverse cultures" -> "become exposed to unique and diverse cultures"
Explanation: "Get exposed" is informal; "become exposed" is more formal and suitable for academic writing.
"expand their visions of the world" -> "expand their perspectives on the world"
Explanation: "Visions" is less formal and slightly vague; "perspectives" is more precise and appropriate for academic discourse.
"the significance of world history does not pale in comparison to domestic one" -> "the significance of world history does not diminish compared to domestic history"
Explanation: "Pale in comparison" is idiomatic and informal; "does not diminish compared to" is more formal and precise.
"both kinds are crucial and supportive of each other" -> "both are equally crucial and mutually supportive"
Explanation: "Both kinds" is less formal; "both are equally crucial and mutually supportive" is more formal and emphasizes the equality of the two types of history.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by presenting a balanced view on the importance of both local and world history. The introduction acknowledges the argument for local history while clearly stating a position that supports the significance of world history. The body paragraphs provide arguments for both sides, with strong examples, such as the reference to Vietnam’s history and the implications of understanding world history through the lens of communism and the Russian Revolution. This comprehensive approach demonstrates a thorough engagement with the question.
- How to improve: To enhance the response further, the essay could explicitly state the extent of agreement or disagreement with the prompt in the introduction. For instance, it could clarify whether the author believes one is more important than the other or if they advocate for an equal emphasis on both. This would provide a clearer roadmap for the reader.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that while local history is important, world history is equally, if not more, significant for a well-rounded education. The author consistently supports this stance throughout the essay, particularly in the second body paragraph where the benefits of learning world history are articulated. However, the transition between discussing local and world history could be smoother to reinforce the overall position.
- How to improve: To improve clarity, the author could use more explicit transitional phrases that reiterate their stance. For example, after discussing local history, a phrase like "However, it is equally important to consider…" could help guide the reader through the argument more effectively.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents and supports ideas well, particularly in the discussion of local history’s role in fostering patriotism and civic duty. The example of Vietnam’s wars effectively illustrates this point. Similarly, the explanation of how world history can provide context to local events is well-developed. The essay does a commendable job of extending ideas by linking local and world history, showing their interdependence.
- How to improve: To further strengthen the support for ideas, the author could include additional examples or statistics that highlight the benefits of learning world history. For instance, citing studies or educational outcomes related to students who learn both local and world history could provide more substantial backing for the claims made.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic throughout, discussing the importance of both local and world history in education. It does not deviate from the central argument, which is commendable. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points without introducing new ideas, maintaining relevance to the prompt.
- How to improve: While the essay is generally on topic, the author should ensure that every point made directly ties back to the prompt. For instance, when discussing the benefits of world history, it could be beneficial to explicitly relate these benefits back to the context of schoolchildren’s education, reinforcing why this knowledge is critical at that stage of development.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a well-argued position. With minor adjustments to clarify the extent of agreement, improve transitions, and enhance the support for ideas, it could achieve an even higher score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument that balances the importance of local and world history. The introduction effectively outlines the stance, and the body paragraphs are structured to support this argument. The first paragraph discusses the benefits of local history, while the second paragraph addresses the significance of world history. However, the transition between the two ideas could be smoother. For instance, the phrase "However, the aforementioned rationale does not deny the significance of learning outside history" could be more directly linked to the previous paragraph to enhance logical flow.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer transitional phrases that explicitly connect the ideas between paragraphs. For example, after discussing local history, you might say, "While local history is undeniably important, it is equally crucial to explore world history to gain a more comprehensive understanding." This would create a more seamless transition and reinforce the relationship between the two arguments.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The first paragraph discusses local history, while the second addresses world history. However, the conclusion could be more distinct from the body paragraphs. It currently reiterates points made earlier without summarizing the main arguments succinctly.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that the conclusion not only summarizes the main points but also reinforces the overall argument. Consider restructuring the conclusion to clearly state the importance of both types of history and how they complement each other, rather than simply restating previous ideas. This will provide a stronger closure to the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "however," "therefore," and "consequently," which help to connect ideas and indicate relationships between them. However, the range of cohesive devices could be expanded. For example, phrases like "on the one hand" and "on the other hand" could be used to introduce contrasting ideas more effectively.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, you might use "in addition," "furthermore," or "moreover" to introduce additional points, and "in contrast" or "alternatively" to highlight differences. This will enhance the essay’s coherence and make the argument more compelling.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a balanced argument. By improving the logical flow between paragraphs, refining the conclusion, and diversifying cohesive devices, the essay could achieve a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with terms such as "historic origins," "patriotic spirits," "civic duty," and "interconnected history." These choices reflect an ability to discuss complex ideas effectively. However, there are instances of repetitive phrasing, such as "local history" and "world history," which could be varied to enhance the richness of the vocabulary. For example, instead of repeatedly using "local history," alternatives like "regional history" or "community history" could be employed.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and related terms to avoid redundancy. Additionally, using more sophisticated vocabulary to express ideas could elevate the essay. For instance, instead of "understanding about worldwide history," consider "comprehension of global historical narratives."
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are moments of imprecision that could lead to confusion. For example, the phrase "bewaring of those" is awkward and unclear; it seems to intend "being aware of those." Furthermore, the phrase "the occurred events of larger scales" is somewhat convoluted and could be simplified to "significant historical events."
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on clarity and conciseness. Reviewing phrases for clarity and ensuring that they convey the intended meaning without ambiguity is essential. Additionally, using a thesaurus to find more precise terms can help refine vocabulary choices.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay shows a good level of spelling accuracy overall, with only a few minor errors. The term "bewaring" is incorrect and should be "being aware." Additionally, "shape up those in children" could be more clearly expressed as "shape these values in children." Such errors, while not numerous, can detract from the overall impression of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully, focusing on commonly misspelled words and phrases. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can also help catch errors that might be overlooked during the writing process.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary appropriate for a Band 7 score, there is room for improvement in terms of variety, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these areas, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their lexical resource in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences, conditional clauses, and a mix of simple and compound sentences. For instance, phrases like "While acknowledging the validations behind this sentiment" and "the prime advantage is that learning world history would deepen students’ views" showcase effective use of subordinate clauses and varied sentence beginnings. However, some sentences are lengthy and could benefit from clearer segmentation to enhance readability.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures further, consider incorporating more varied sentence openings and using different forms of punctuation to create rhythm in writing. For example, using semicolons to connect closely related ideas or employing introductory phrases can enhance the flow. Additionally, breaking down overly complex sentences into shorter, clearer ones can improve comprehension.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits a high level of grammatical accuracy, with only minor errors present. For example, the phrase "by bewaring of those" is incorrect; the correct term should be "by being aware of those." Additionally, there are instances of awkward phrasing, such as "the young could gain a sense of belonging to their locales," which could be more clearly expressed as "young people could develop a sense of belonging to their communities." Punctuation is mostly accurate, but there are a few places where commas could enhance clarity, particularly in longer sentences.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on proofreading for common errors, such as incorrect word forms or awkward phrasing. Reading the essay aloud can help identify areas where the language feels unnatural. Additionally, reviewing punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas and conjunctions in complex sentences, can help refine the writing further. Practicing with targeted grammar exercises can also reinforce correct usage.

Overall, the essay is well-structured and demonstrates a strong command of grammatical range and accuracy. By focusing on refining sentence clarity and grammatical precision, the writer can elevate their writing even further.

Bài sửa mẫu

Granted, a strong foundation in local history plays a pivotal role in enhancing students’ patriotic sentiments and responsibilities towards their locales. Exploring local history involves learning about the establishment, past events, and development of the places where students grow up; therefore, by being aware of these, the young could gain a sense of belonging to their locales and appreciation for their ancestors’ contributions to create their today’s lives. For example, in Vietnam, by learning about the Vietnam wars, many students have developed a deep appreciation for their ancestors’ sacrifices for their country’s independence and volunteered to serve in the military forces to preserve their sovereignty. Hence, as civic duty requires a high spirit of patriotism and responsibility towards their nation, a decent understanding of local history is essential to develop these qualities in children.

However, the aforementioned rationale does not deny the significance of studying outside of history, which, in combination with local history, would benefit the learners. The primary advantage is that learning world history would deepen students’ views about this subject beyond their domestic scope. As a country’s or an area’s history is just a part of the interconnected history of the world as a whole, if students expand the scope of their research, they would stand a good chance of discovering interesting facts about the occurred events on larger scales. For instance, when Vietnamese students are only aware that the ideology of communism was first proposed in Vietnam by the former president Ho Chi Minh, they may mistake that he invented the idea. However, if students learn about Russian history, they will realize that he actually adopted the ideology from the Russian Revolution. In addition, by learning about the past of other nations, children would become exposed to unique and diverse cultures different from theirs; therefore, they would expand their perspectives on the world. Consequently, the significance of world history does not diminish compared to domestic history, but rather both are equally crucial and mutually supportive in educating students about past events.

In conclusion, while local history is the root of educating schoolchildren about their country, world history holds its own justifications to provide wider knowledge, which cannot be overshadowed. In general, students should learn both kinds to adopt their values.