Most people try to balance between work and other part of lives. Unfortunately, not many achieve this balance. What are the problems and how can this situation be solved?

Most people try to balance between work and other part of lives. Unfortunately, not
many achieve this balance. What are the problems and how can this situation be
solved?

In this contemporary era, the prevalence of the failure to balance work and other aspects of life among individuals has become a growing concern. This essay will thoroughly examine the primary causes behind this trend and propose valuable methods to address the issue.
It is evident that this alarming phenomenon can be attributed to a multitude of key determinants, the foremost of which is the lack of time management skills. It is an undeniable fact that not everyone knows how to manage time effectively. This, in turn, leads to spending too much time on one aspect while neglecting another. Another primary culprit of this trend is that people, especially youth demonstrate a lack of perseverance. As a result, they get frustrated when work-life balance doesn't always yield immediate results. For example, seniors lose patience and give up on their initial efforts to balance work and study.
However, these issues can be effectively addressed through practical methods, the most crucial of which is the immediate intervention of each individual. To elaborate, workers need effective time management. Furthermore, rising awareness among individuals about how to use time management tools such as calendars and to-do lists which plays a pivotal role in work-life balance. Indeed, young people must be patient and understand that achieving stability is a long-term process. In doing so, our society will experience a significant improvement in harmonising work with personal life.
In conclusion, the aforementioned phenomenon can be attributed to various causes. Nevertheless, with proactive solutions and the collaborative efforts of both the government and individuals, there is potential for significant improvement in managing work-life equilibrium in the near future.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "In this contemporary era" -> "In the contemporary era"
   Explanation: Removing "this" before "contemporary era" corrects the grammatical structure, aligning with formal academic style by avoiding unnecessary articles before nouns that refer to time periods.

2. "the prevalence of the failure" -> "the prevalence of failures"
   Explanation: Changing "the failure" to "failures" pluralizes the noun to reflect the general trend, which is more appropriate in academic writing where specificity is preferred over singularity.

3. "among individuals" -> "among people"
   Explanation: "People" is a more natural and commonly used term in academic writing than "individuals" in this context, enhancing readability without sacrificing formality.

4. "thoroughly examine" -> "thoroughly examine"
   Explanation: Adding "the" before "examine" corrects the article usage, ensuring grammatical accuracy in formal writing.

5. "valuable methods" -> "effective strategies"
   Explanation: Replacing "valuable methods" with "effective strategies" uses more precise language that is commonly found in academic discourse, emphasizing the practicality and impact of the proposed solutions.

6. "It is an undeniable fact" -> "It is a widely recognized fact"
   Explanation: "Widely recognized" is a more precise and academically appropriate phrase than "undeniable," which can sound overly absolute and informal in academic writing.

7. "spending too much time" -> "devoting excessive time"
   Explanation: "Devoting excessive time" is a more formal and precise way to describe the allocation of time, fitting better in an academic context.

8. "people, especially youth demonstrate" -> "especially young people demonstrate"
   Explanation: Rearranging the phrase to "especially young people demonstrate" corrects the awkward structure and improves readability, aligning with formal writing standards.

9. "get frustrated" -> "become frustrated"
   Explanation: "Become frustrated" is a more formal expression than "get frustrated," which is more conversational and less suitable for academic writing.

10. "seniors lose patience" -> "individuals become impatient"
    Explanation: "Individuals become impatient" is a more neutral and formal way to describe the loss of patience, avoiding the colloquial term "seniors" which is not typically used in formal academic writing to refer to age groups.

11. "immediate intervention of each individual" -> "immediate intervention by each individual"
    Explanation: Adding "by" clarifies the agency involved in the intervention, enhancing the sentence structure and clarity in formal writing.

12. "effective time management" -> "effective time management techniques"
    Explanation: Adding "techniques" specifies the type of time management being referred to, which is more precise and contextually appropriate in an academic essay.

13. "to-do lists which plays" -> "to-do lists that play"
    Explanation: Correcting "which plays" to "that play" fixes the grammatical error and aligns with the plural subject "lists," improving the sentence structure and formality.

14. "young people must be patient" -> "young people must remain patient"
    Explanation: "Remain patient" is a more precise and formal way to express the need for persistence, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.

15. "achieving stability is a long-term process" -> "achieving stability requires a long-term approach"
    Explanation: Replacing "is a long-term process" with "requires a long-term approach" shifts the focus from a passive description to an active requirement, which is more assertive and suitable for academic writing.

16. "managing work-life equilibrium" -> "managing work-life balance"
    Explanation: "Balance" is the correct term in this context, replacing "equilibrium," which is less commonly used in this specific context and may sound overly technical or scientific in an academic essay.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by identifying problems related to work-life balance, such as poor time management and lack of perseverance, and proposes solutions like individual intervention and the use of time management tools. The introduction clearly sets the stage for the discussion, and the conclusion succinctly summarizes the key points. However, while the essay mentions the role of the government in the conclusion, it does not elaborate on how governmental actions could contribute to solving the issues presented.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay could include specific examples of governmental policies or initiatives that could support individuals in achieving better work-life balance. For instance, discussing flexible work hours or mental health support programs could provide a more comprehensive answer to the prompt.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position regarding the challenges of achieving work-life balance and the necessity for individual responsibility in addressing these challenges. The stance is consistent throughout, with the author advocating for personal accountability and the development of time management skills. However, the mention of government intervention in the conclusion feels somewhat abrupt and less integrated into the overall argument.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, the essay could weave in references to the role of the government earlier in the discussion. This could involve suggesting that while individual efforts are crucial, systemic changes are also necessary, thereby creating a more nuanced argument that acknowledges multiple facets of the issue.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents its ideas clearly, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the problem or solution. The use of examples, such as the mention of youth frustration, helps to illustrate points effectively. However, the development of ideas could be more robust; for instance, the discussion on time management tools is somewhat brief and could benefit from further elaboration on how these tools can be implemented in daily life.
  • How to improve: To improve the extension and support of ideas, the author could include more detailed examples or case studies demonstrating successful time management strategies. Additionally, discussing potential barriers to implementing these solutions could provide a more rounded perspective.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic of work-life balance throughout, with all points contributing to the overall discussion. The structure is logical, progressing from identifying problems to proposing solutions. However, the introduction of government intervention in the conclusion, while relevant, could distract from the primary focus on individual responsibility.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the essay could either integrate the discussion of government intervention more thoroughly into the body paragraphs or omit it altogether if the primary emphasis is on individual solutions. This would help ensure that every part of the essay aligns closely with the main topic of work-life balance.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a coherent argument, it could benefit from deeper exploration of certain ideas and a more integrated approach to discussing the role of government in addressing work-life balance issues.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear and logical structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the topic and the purpose of the essay. The body paragraphs effectively separate the problems and solutions, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses the causes of the imbalance, while the second addresses potential solutions. This organization allows the reader to follow the argument easily. However, the transition between the discussion of problems and solutions could be smoother, as the shift feels somewhat abrupt.
  • How to improve: To enhance the logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect the problems to the solutions. For example, after discussing the causes, a sentence like "Having identified these challenges, it is essential to explore effective strategies to mitigate them" could provide a clearer transition.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids in readability and comprehension. Each paragraph has a clear main idea, and the first paragraph serves as a strong introduction. However, the second body paragraph could benefit from clearer topic sentences that explicitly state the main point of the paragraph, as the current opening could be more direct in linking back to the previous discussion.
  • How to improve: Strengthen the topic sentences in each paragraph to ensure they clearly reflect the content that follows. For example, starting the second body paragraph with a sentence like "To counteract the issues of time mismanagement and impatience, individuals can adopt several practical strategies" would clarify the focus of the paragraph right from the beginning.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "however," "furthermore," and "indeed," which help to connect ideas and maintain the flow of the argument. The use of these devices contributes to the overall coherence of the essay. However, there is a reliance on a limited range of cohesive devices, which can make the writing feel somewhat repetitive.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, using alternatives like "in addition," "consequently," or "on the other hand" can enhance the richness of the text. Additionally, consider using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned ideas, which can help reduce redundancy and improve cohesion.

Overall, the essay is well-structured and coherent, demonstrating a strong command of coherence and cohesion principles. By implementing the suggested improvements, the writer can further refine their essay to achieve an even higher level of clarity and fluidity.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary, employing terms such as "contemporary era," "prevalence," "determinants," and "harmonising." However, the vocabulary tends to be somewhat repetitive, particularly with phrases like "work-life balance" and "time management." The use of synonyms or more varied expressions could enhance the richness of the language.
  • How to improve: To improve vocabulary range, the writer could incorporate synonyms or related phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "work-life balance," alternatives like "work-life integration" or "professional-personal equilibrium" could be used. Additionally, exploring more descriptive adjectives or adverbs could add depth to the arguments presented.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary correctly, but there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "the immediate intervention of each individual" could be misinterpreted; it may imply that individuals need to intervene in others’ lives rather than focusing on their own time management. Additionally, the term "youth" is used, which could be more precisely defined as "young adults" or "teenagers" depending on the context.
  • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should consider the context in which terms are used and ensure that they convey the intended meaning. Clarifying terms like "youth" and rephrasing ambiguous statements would help. For instance, instead of saying "the immediate intervention of each individual," a more precise phrase could be "individuals must take proactive steps in managing their own time."

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a good level of spelling accuracy, with no major errors that impede understanding. Words like "perseverance," "frustrated," and "collaborative" are spelled correctly, indicating a solid grasp of spelling conventions.
  • How to improve: To maintain and further improve spelling accuracy, the writer should continue to proofread their work carefully. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch any overlooked mistakes. Additionally, familiarizing oneself with commonly misspelled words in academic writing can be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid foundation in lexical resource, there are clear areas for improvement. By expanding vocabulary range, enhancing precision in word choice, and maintaining spelling accuracy, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and a mix of simple and compound sentences. For instance, the use of phrases like "the prevalence of the failure to balance work and other aspects of life" showcases a complex structure that effectively conveys the main idea. Additionally, the essay employs conditional structures, such as "if individuals manage their time effectively," which adds depth to the argument. However, there are instances where sentence structures could be more varied; for example, the repeated use of "it is evident that" and "this, in turn," could be replaced with alternative phrases to enhance the flow and engagement of the writing.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures further, consider incorporating more varied introductory phrases or clauses. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "It is evident that," try using phrases like "One clear indication is…" or "Research suggests that…" Additionally, varying the length and complexity of sentences can create a more dynamic reading experience. Practice using different sentence types, such as rhetorical questions or exclamatory sentences, to add interest.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, with few errors that do not impede understanding. For example, the phrase "the immediate intervention of each individual" is grammatically correct and effectively conveys the intended meaning. However, there are some minor grammatical issues, such as the phrase "the lack of perseverance," which could be more clearly expressed as "a lack of perseverance" to avoid ambiguity. Additionally, punctuation is mostly accurate, but there are a few instances where commas could enhance clarity, such as before "especially youth" in the second paragraph.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, review the use of articles and ensure that they are correctly applied. For example, consider whether "the lack of perseverance" should be "a lack of perseverance" in the context. Additionally, focus on punctuation by practicing the rules for comma usage, especially in complex sentences. Reading the essay aloud can help identify areas where pauses or breaks might be necessary for clarity. Lastly, consider seeking feedback from peers or using grammar-checking tools to catch any overlooked errors.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision. By implementing the suggested strategies, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their writing and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In this contemporary era, the prevalence of failures to balance work and other aspects of life among individuals has become a growing concern. This essay will thoroughly examine the primary causes behind this trend and propose valuable methods to address the issue.

It is evident that this alarming phenomenon can be attributed to a multitude of key determinants, the foremost of which is the lack of time management skills. It is a widely recognized fact that not everyone knows how to manage time effectively. This, in turn, leads to devoting excessive time to one aspect while neglecting another. Another primary culprit of this trend is that people, especially young people, demonstrate a lack of perseverance. As a result, they become frustrated when work-life balance doesn’t always yield immediate results. For example, individuals lose patience and give up on their initial efforts to balance work and study.

However, these issues can be effectively addressed through practical methods, the most crucial of which is the immediate intervention by each individual. To elaborate, workers need effective time management techniques. Furthermore, rising awareness among individuals about how to use time management tools such as calendars and to-do lists plays a pivotal role in achieving work-life balance. Indeed, young people must remain patient and understand that achieving stability requires a long-term approach. In doing so, our society will experience a significant improvement in harmonizing work with personal life.

In conclusion, the aforementioned phenomenon can be attributed to various causes. Nevertheless, with proactive solutions and the collaborative efforts of both the government and individuals, there is potential for significant improvement in managing work-life balance in the near future.