More and more women are going out to work, so they can either hire domestic worker or eat out. Some people think that children, especially girls, do not need to learn to cook or do housework. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion

More and more women are going out to work, so they can either hire domestic worker or eat out. Some people think that children, especially girls, do not need to learn to cook or do housework.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion

In the contemporary era, as more women join the workforce, the debate about whether children should learn domestic skills has become more relevant While some argue that hiring help or dining out eliminates the need for these skills, , I express a partial level of support for this suggestion based on some rationales that would be elucidated further in this essay.
Admittedly, it is seemingly comprehensible why some hold this view, asserting that doing housework and cooking has had a considerable bearing on the teenagers. The chief reason is that hiring domestic workers has become more accessible and affordable, enabling working parents to delegate household tasks. Consequently, children are relieved of these responsibilities, allowing them to focus more on academic pursuits and extracurricular activities, which enhances their overall development. An additional reason is that enforcing traditional gender roles in cooking and housework perpetuates stereotypes and restricts opportunities for girls. This limitation not only reinforces gender inequality but also hinders their pursuit of diverse interests and careers, thereby stifling their potential in various fields.
Conversely, those who advocate for the importance of learning domestic skills argue that these abilities are essential for children’s holistic development.. The key reason is that acquiring these skills instills a sense of responsibility and self-sufficiency in children. Learning to cook nutritious meals and perform household tasks equips them with essential life skills, fostering independence and resilience, which are crucial for their success and well-being in adulthood. An added supporting argument is that involving children in cooking and household chores fosters healthy eating habits and strengthens family bonds. By preparing meals at home, families can meticulously control ingredients and portion sizes, significantly reducing reliance on processed and unhealthy foods. Additionally, working together on these tasks encourages children to develop a sense of responsibility and teamwork, which enhances familial harmony and contributes to a supportive, cohesive family environment.
In summary, while there are some sufficient justifications to support the view that girls are not required to acquire cooking or housekeeping skills, I am convinced that teaching children to cook and do housework is essential for their development and well-being.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "In the contemporary era" -> "In the modern era"
   Explanation: "Contemporary" can sometimes imply a focus on the present moment, whereas "modern" encompasses a broader time frame, which is more suitable for an academic context discussing ongoing trends and issues.

2. "more women join the workforce" -> "more women enter the workforce"
   Explanation: "Enter" is a more precise verb in this context, as it specifically indicates the act of joining a workforce, which is more formal and appropriate for academic writing.

3. "the debate about whether" -> "the discussion regarding"
   Explanation: "Discussion regarding" is a more formal and precise term than "debate about," which can carry a connotation of controversy that may not be intended in this context.

4. "I express a partial level of support" -> "I partially support"
   Explanation: "I partially support" is a more concise and direct expression, enhancing the formal tone and clarity of the statement.

5. "some rationales that would be elucidated further" -> "reasons that will be elaborated upon"
   Explanation: "Reasons that will be elaborated upon" is more formal and academically appropriate, replacing the less formal "some rationales that would be elucidated further."

6. "doing housework and cooking has had a considerable bearing on the teenagers" -> "performing household tasks and cooking has significantly impacted teenagers"
   Explanation: "Performing household tasks and cooking has significantly impacted teenagers" is more precise and formal, avoiding the awkward phrasing and vague term "considerable bearing."

7. "hiring domestic workers has become more accessible and affordable" -> "hiring domestic workers has become more accessible and affordable"
   Explanation: This is a correction to maintain parallel structure and grammatical consistency in the list of adjectives.

8. "enabling working parents to delegate household tasks" -> "allowing working parents to delegate household responsibilities"
   Explanation: "Responsibilities" is a more specific and formal term than "tasks," which is more general and less precise in this context.

9. "enforcing traditional gender roles in cooking and housework perpetuates stereotypes" -> "upholding traditional gender roles in cooking and household tasks perpetuates stereotypes"
   Explanation: "Upholding" is a more precise verb than "enforcing," and "household tasks" is a more formal term than "housework."

10. "This limitation not only reinforces gender inequality but also hinders their pursuit of diverse interests and careers" -> "This limitation not only reinforces gender inequality but also restricts their pursuit of diverse interests and careers"
    Explanation: "Restricts" is a more precise verb than "hinders," which is somewhat vague and less formal.

11. "those who advocate for the importance of learning domestic skills" -> "those who advocate for the significance of acquiring domestic skills"
    Explanation: "Significance" is a more formal and precise term than "importance," and "acquiring" is more specific than "learning" in this context.

12. "instills a sense of responsibility and self-sufficiency" -> "instills a sense of responsibility and autonomy"
    Explanation: "Autonomy" is a more precise and formal term than "self-sufficiency," which can be somewhat vague and colloquial.

13. "fosters healthy eating habits and strengthens family bonds" -> "promotes healthy eating habits and strengthens family bonds"
    Explanation: "Promotes" is a more formal and academically appropriate verb than "fosters" in this context.

14. "By preparing meals at home" -> "By cooking meals at home"
    Explanation: "Cooking" is a more specific and relevant verb than "preparing" in the context of food preparation.

15. "fosters healthy eating habits" -> "encourages healthy eating habits"
    Explanation: "Encourages" is a more precise and formal term than "fosters" in this context, aligning better with academic style.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both sides of the argument regarding whether children, particularly girls, need to learn domestic skills. The introduction clearly states a partial agreement with the notion that hiring help or eating out reduces the necessity for these skills. The essay presents arguments for both perspectives, acknowledging the benefits of hiring domestic help while also emphasizing the importance of domestic skills for children’s development. However, the essay could have benefited from a more explicit discussion of the extent to which the author agrees or disagrees with the statement, as the prompt asks for a clear stance.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the author should clarify their position more explicitly in the introduction and conclusion. Phrasing like "I partially agree" could be expanded to specify the extent of agreement, such as "I believe that while hiring help can be beneficial, it is crucial for children to learn these skills for their overall development."

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a generally clear position, but the use of "partial level of support" and "some rationales" introduces ambiguity. While the author presents arguments for both sides, the position could be more assertively stated throughout the essay. The conclusion reiterates the importance of teaching domestic skills, but it could be stronger in reaffirming the author’s stance on the need for these skills in light of the arguments presented.
  • How to improve: To improve clarity of position, the author should consistently use definitive language throughout the essay. Instead of "I express a partial level of support," the author could state, "I believe it is essential for children to learn these skills, despite the convenience of hiring help." This would reinforce the author’s viewpoint more effectively.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a range of ideas and supports them with relevant reasoning. For instance, the argument that learning domestic skills fosters responsibility and self-sufficiency is well articulated. However, some points could benefit from further elaboration or examples. For example, the mention of "healthy eating habits" could be expanded with specific examples of how cooking at home can lead to better dietary choices.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the support for ideas, the author should include specific examples or anecdotes that illustrate the benefits of learning domestic skills. For instance, discussing a study that links home-cooked meals to better health outcomes could provide empirical support for the argument.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay remains largely focused on the topic, addressing the implications of women working and the necessity of domestic skills for children. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly aligned with the prompt. For instance, while the essay discusses gender roles, it could more directly connect this to the necessity of cooking and housework skills for all children, not just girls.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that every paragraph ties back to the central question of whether children need to learn these skills. Including a brief mention of how these skills are beneficial for all children, regardless of gender, could provide a more comprehensive view and reinforce the relevance of the discussion to the prompt.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view. With clearer positioning, more detailed examples, and tighter focus on the prompt, it could achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument structure, with an introduction that outlines the writer’s stance and body paragraphs that discuss both sides of the issue. The progression from the introduction to the body paragraphs is logical, as the writer first addresses the viewpoint against teaching domestic skills and then counters it with the opposing perspective. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother; for instance, the shift from discussing the advantages of hiring help to the importance of domestic skills could be more explicitly connected to enhance the logical flow.
  • How to improve: To improve logical organization, the writer could use clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that directly relate back to the thesis statement. Additionally, incorporating transitional phrases such as "On the other hand," or "In contrast," at the beginning of the second body paragraph would help clarify the shift in perspective and reinforce the connection between the arguments.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids readability. Each paragraph focuses on a distinct aspect of the argument, with the first body paragraph discussing the reasons for not teaching domestic skills and the second body paragraph advocating for their importance. However, the second body paragraph is somewhat lengthy and could benefit from being divided into two separate paragraphs to enhance clarity and focus.
  • How to improve: To enhance paragraphing, the writer should ensure that each paragraph contains a single main idea and supporting details. For example, the second body paragraph could be split into one paragraph discussing the development of responsibility and self-sufficiency, and another focusing on the benefits of healthy eating habits and family bonding. This would allow for a more in-depth exploration of each point and improve overall coherence.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "Admittedly," "Conversely," and "In summary," which help to guide the reader through the argument. However, there are instances where the use of cohesive devices is repetitive, particularly within the body paragraphs. For example, the phrase "An additional reason is that…" is used multiple times, which can detract from the overall fluidity of the writing.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer should consider varying the phrases used to introduce supporting arguments. Instead of repeatedly using "An additional reason is that…," alternatives such as "Furthermore," "Moreover," or "Another significant point is that…" could be employed. Additionally, incorporating more complex cohesive devices, such as subordinating conjunctions (e.g., "Although," "While," "Because"), would enhance the sophistication of the writing and improve the overall coherence.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the writer can enhance the clarity and effectiveness of their argument, potentially raising their band score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with terms such as "contemporary era," "holistic development," and "self-sufficiency" showcasing the writer’s ability to use varied language. However, there are instances of repetition, such as the phrases "housework" and "cooking," which could be substituted with synonyms like "domestic tasks" or "culinary skills" to enhance lexical variety.
  • How to improve: To elevate the vocabulary range, the writer should actively seek synonyms and related terms. For instance, instead of repeating "cooking," they could use "meal preparation" or "culinary practices." Incorporating idiomatic expressions or more sophisticated phrases could also add depth to the vocabulary used.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs vocabulary accurately, but there are moments where the precision could be improved. For example, the phrase "considerable bearing on the teenagers" is somewhat vague and could be interpreted in multiple ways. A more precise expression might clarify the intended impact, such as "significant influence on teenagers’ development."
  • How to improve: The writer should focus on using vocabulary that conveys their intended meaning more clearly. This can be achieved by replacing vague terms with more specific language. For example, instead of "perpetuates stereotypes," they could specify which stereotypes are being reinforced, such as "traditional gender stereotypes related to domestic roles."

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a high level of spelling accuracy, with only a couple of minor errors, such as the repeated comma before "I express a partial level of support" and the extra period in "holistic development..". These issues do not significantly detract from the overall readability but indicate a need for careful proofreading.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should implement a proofreading strategy after completing their essay. This could involve reading the essay aloud to catch any typographical errors or using digital tools that highlight spelling mistakes. Additionally, practicing spelling of commonly used academic vocabulary can help solidify their spelling skills.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of lexical resource, but there is room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these areas, the writer can aim for a higher band score in future writing tasks.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and conditional clauses. For instance, phrases like "as more women join the workforce" and "while some argue that hiring help or dining out eliminates the need for these skills" showcase the use of subordinate clauses effectively. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, such as starting several sentences with "The key reason is that" or "An additional reason is that," which can detract from the overall variety.
  • How to improve: To enhance the diversity of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more varied introductory phrases or transition words. For example, instead of repeatedly using "The key reason is that," the writer could use alternatives like "One significant factor is…" or "Another important consideration is…". Additionally, mixing simple sentences with more complex structures can create a more engaging flow.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are some noticeable errors. For example, the phrase "the debate about whether children should learn domestic skills has become more relevant" is grammatically correct, but the sentence lacks a comma before "while," which leads to a run-on sentence. Additionally, there is a misplaced comma in "the debate about whether children should learn domestic skills has become more relevant While some argue," which should be corrected to "relevant. While some argue." Furthermore, the use of "sufficient justifications" in the conclusion is slightly awkward, as "sufficient" and "justifications" can be seen as redundant.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should carefully proofread the essay for punctuation errors, particularly focusing on comma placement and sentence boundaries. It may also be helpful to read the essay aloud to catch any awkward phrasing or run-on sentences. Additionally, varying vocabulary and avoiding redundancy can enhance clarity and precision. For instance, instead of "sufficient justifications," the writer could consider using "valid reasons" or "compelling arguments" to convey the same idea more effectively.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, but attention to detail in punctuation and sentence variety will further enhance the quality of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the contemporary era, as more women join the workforce, the discussion regarding whether children should learn domestic skills has become more relevant. While some argue that hiring help or dining out eliminates the need for these skills, I express a partial level of support for this suggestion based on some reasons that will be elaborated upon further in this essay.

Admittedly, it is seemingly comprehensible why some hold this view, asserting that performing household tasks and cooking has had a considerable bearing on teenagers. The chief reason is that hiring domestic workers has become more accessible and affordable, enabling working parents to delegate household responsibilities. Consequently, children are relieved of these tasks, allowing them to focus more on academic pursuits and extracurricular activities, which enhances their overall development. An additional reason is that upholding traditional gender roles in cooking and housework perpetuates stereotypes and restricts opportunities for girls. This limitation not only reinforces gender inequality but also hinders their pursuit of diverse interests and careers, thereby stifling their potential in various fields.

Conversely, those who advocate for the significance of acquiring domestic skills argue that these abilities are essential for children’s holistic development. The key reason is that learning these skills instills a sense of responsibility and autonomy in children. Learning to cook nutritious meals and perform household tasks equips them with essential life skills, fostering independence and resilience, which are crucial for their success and well-being in adulthood. An added supporting argument is that involving children in cooking and household chores promotes healthy eating habits and strengthens family bonds. By cooking meals at home, families can meticulously control ingredients and portion sizes, significantly reducing reliance on processed and unhealthy foods. Additionally, working together on these tasks encourages children to develop a sense of responsibility and teamwork, which enhances familial harmony and contributes to a supportive, cohesive family environment.

In summary, while there are some sufficient justifications to support the view that girls are not required to acquire cooking or housekeeping skills, I am convinced that teaching children to cook and do housework is essential for their development and well-being.