The graph below gives information on the numbers of participant for different activities at one social event in Melbourne, Australia for the period 2000 to 2020. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisions where relevant.

The graph below gives information on the numbers of participant for different activities at one social event in Melbourne, Australia for the period 2000 to 2020.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisions where relevant.

The graph illustrates information about variety of activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia and the figures of participants for each one between 2000 and 2020.

Overview, Australian prefered going to the film club to participating other activities during that time. Beside, amateur dramatics was not favourable and reduced dramatically through time.

Australian were really into movies and it showed that participants of film club kept rising flutuactingly from 60 percents to nearly 70 percents. Another activity that didn’t change much in the 20 year period is martial art, which was never over 40 percents or lower 30 percents. There were two opposite cases in this graph, which were amateur dramatics and table tennis. The difference between these two was that they both met at the same 20 percents in 2010 and then table tennis rose increasingly over 30 percents comparing to its figures in 2010, while amateur dramatics started to lose people’s interest and fell in numbers. Last but not least, people of Australia didn’t pay any attention to musical performances in the first 5 years of the 21st century. However, it got more people noticing it and numbers grew slightly each 5 years.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "The graph illustrates information about variety of activities" -> "The graph presents information on various activities"
   Explanation: "Presents information on" is more precise and formal than "illustrates information about," and "various" is the correct plural form for "variety of."

2. "Australian prefered going to the film club" -> "Australians preferred attending the film club"
   Explanation: "Australians" is the correct plural form, and "preferred attending" is grammatically correct and more formal than "prefered going."

3. "participating other activities" -> "participating in other activities"
   Explanation: "In" is necessary to complete the prepositional phrase "participating in," which is the correct form for indicating involvement in activities.

4. "Beside, amateur dramatics was not favourable" -> "Furthermore, amateur dramatics was not favored"
   Explanation: "Furthermore" is a more formal transitional phrase than "beside," and "favored" should be used instead of "favourable" in this context to maintain parallel structure with "not."

5. "reduced dramatically" -> "dramatically decreased"
   Explanation: "Decreased" is more specific and academically appropriate than "reduced" when describing a change in quantity.

6. "Australian were really into movies" -> "Australians were particularly fond of films"
   Explanation: "Were particularly fond of" is more formal and precise than "were really into," and "films" is a more formal term than "movies."

7. "kept rising flutuactingly" -> "steadily increased"
   Explanation: "Steadily increased" is a more accurate and formal way to describe a consistent upward trend, replacing the incorrect "flutuactingly."

8. "Another activity that didn’t change much" -> "Another activity that showed little variation"
   Explanation: "Showed little variation" is more formal and precise than "didn’t change much."

9. "never over 40 percents or lower 30 percents" -> "never exceeded 40% or fell below 30%"
   Explanation: "Exceeded" and "fell below" are more precise and formal expressions than "never over" and "lower."

10. "table tennis rose increasingly" -> "table tennis participation increased significantly"
    Explanation: "Participation increased significantly" is more specific and formal than "rose increasingly."

11. "people of Australia didn’t pay any attention to" -> "Australians showed little interest in"
    Explanation: "Showed little interest in" is more formal and precise than "didn’t pay any attention to."

12. "it got more people noticing it" -> "it gained more popularity"
    Explanation: "Gained more popularity" is a more formal and succinct way to describe increased interest.

13. "numbers grew slightly each 5 years" -> "numbers increased gradually over 5-year intervals"
    Explanation: "Increased gradually over 5-year intervals" is more formal and precise, specifying the frequency and duration of the increase.

Band điểm Task Achivement ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5

Explanation: The essay generally addresses the task. The essay provides an overview of the main trends in the graph, but it does not fully cover all of the key features. For example, the essay mentions that amateur dramatics and table tennis met at the same 20% in 2010, but it does not mention that table tennis rose to over 30% while amateur dramatics fell to under 10%. The essay also does not provide any data to support its descriptions.

How to improve: The essay could be improved by providing more specific details about the trends in the graph. The essay could also be improved by providing data to support its descriptions. For example, the essay could state that the number of participants in film club rose from 60% in 2000 to nearly 70% in 2020. The essay could also provide more specific comparisons between the different activities. For example, the essay could state that the number of participants in table tennis rose by 10% between 2010 and 2020, while the number of participants in amateur dramatics fell by 10% during the same period.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay presents information with some organization, but there is a noticeable lack of overall progression. While it attempts to compare different activities, the connections between ideas are not always clear, leading to confusion. The use of cohesive devices is inadequate and at times inaccurate, which detracts from the overall coherence. Additionally, paragraphing is present but not effectively utilized, contributing to the overall disorganization of the response.
How to improve: To enhance coherence and cohesion, the writer should focus on creating clearer topic sentences for each paragraph, ensuring that each paragraph has a distinct focus. Improving the use of cohesive devices by varying them and ensuring they are used appropriately will help clarify relationships between ideas. Additionally, organizing the essay into well-defined paragraphs with logical progression will improve overall clarity.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary that is minimally adequate for the task. While it attempts to describe the data presented in the graph, the use of vocabulary is basic and repetitive, with noticeable errors in word choice and spelling (e.g., "prefered," "flutuactingly," "percents"). The vocabulary used does not always convey precise meanings, and there are instances where the word choice is inappropriate for the context (e.g., "amateur dramatics was not favourable"). These factors contribute to a score of 5, as the errors may cause some difficulty for the reader but do not completely impede communication.

How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider range of vocabulary, including less common lexical items that are relevant to the topic. This could involve using synonyms and varied expressions to avoid repetition. Additionally, careful proofreading to correct spelling errors and improve word choice would help convey meanings more accurately. Practicing the use of collocations and idiomatic expressions related to the topic could also elevate the overall quality of the vocabulary used in the essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score: 5.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of grammatical structures, primarily using simple sentences with some attempts at complex forms. While there are some accurate structures, frequent grammatical errors and awkward phrasing are present, which can cause difficulty for the reader. For instance, phrases like "Australian prefered going to the film club" and "participants of film club kept rising flutuactingly" contain errors that detract from clarity. Additionally, punctuation issues, such as missing commas and incorrect use of conjunctions, further hinder the overall quality of the writing.
How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should focus on using a wider variety of sentence structures, including more complex sentences with subordinate clauses. Additionally, proofreading for spelling and grammatical errors will help improve clarity. Practicing the correct use of punctuation and ensuring subject-verb agreement will also contribute to a more polished essay. Engaging with more advanced grammar resources or writing exercises can further develop these skills.

Bài sửa mẫu

The graph illustrates information about a variety of activities at one social centre in Melbourne, Australia, and the figures of participants for each one between 2000 and 2020.

Overall, Australians preferred going to the film club over participating in other activities during that time. Additionally, amateur dramatics was not popular and declined dramatically over the years.

Australians were particularly interested in movies, as evidenced by the participants in the film club, which fluctuated and rose from 60 percent to nearly 70 percent. Another activity that did not change much over the 20-year period was martial arts, which remained consistently between 30 percent and 40 percent. There were two contrasting cases in this graph: amateur dramatics and table tennis. The difference between these two activities was that they both reached the same 20 percent participation rate in 2010. Subsequently, table tennis increased significantly, rising over 30 percent compared to its figures in 2010, while amateur dramatics started to lose people’s interest and experienced a decline in numbers. Lastly, Australians initially showed little interest in musical performances during the first five years of the 21st century. However, awareness grew, and participation numbers increased slightly every five years.