Many people believe that the career-oriented subject should be included in the school curriculum so that high school students are better prepared for their future. To what extent do you agree with this? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Many people believe that the career-oriented subject should be included in the school curriculum so that high school students are better prepared for their future.

To what extent do you agree with this? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Whether many high schools should integrate oriented subjects into curriculum is a topic of constant debate. A significant number of people contend that such subjects may be useful in better preparing for the students’ future. From my point of view, I totally agree with this opinion as this inclusion brings numerous benefits to learners.

On the one hand, those who advocate for the curriculum with oriented subjects argue that it brings several advantages to students. The primary benefit of this integration is that it facilitates for them to get better jobs in the future. When learners are early navigated about various kinds of professions, they can have a clearer understanding of their future career paths and opt for a suitable occupation for themselves. Hence, raising their awareness of equipping with essential skills and experiences to improve their future career prospects, like getting a high-paid job. Secondly, it helps students quickly adapt to the turbulence of the labour market. After high school graduation, students who are better prepared for their future career paths may be more flexible to appropriately alter themselves to keep up with the speed of job market changes than those who are ignorant in career orientation. In today’s rapidly evolving job market, technological skills are increasingly essential. Including subjects related to IT, digital media, or engineering can equip students with the necessary skills to thrive in the modern economy, for instance.

Conversely, a curriculum without such subjects may cause several disadvantages to learners. The major disadvantage of it is leading students to have difficulty in making informed career choices after leaving school. A curriculum that does not include career-oriented subjects may limit students' understanding of the variety of career paths available to them. Without this exposure, they may struggle to find a good occupation that brings both high income and comfort.

Overall, I agree with the inclusion of career-oriented subjects in the high school curriculum to a significant extent, as they can play a crucial role in preparing students for the demands of the modern workforce and helping them make informed career decisions.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "Whether many high schools" -> "Whether many high schools should"
   Explanation: Adding "should" clarifies the question and aligns with formal academic style by specifying the inquiry.

2. "oriented subjects" -> "career-oriented subjects"
   Explanation: Using "career-oriented subjects" provides a more specific and precise term that is commonly used in educational contexts, enhancing clarity and formality.

3. "A significant number of people contend" -> "Many scholars argue"
   Explanation: Replacing "A significant number of people contend" with "Many scholars argue" shifts the focus to academic discourse, which is more appropriate for an academic essay.

4. "totally agree" -> "strongly agree"
   Explanation: "Totally agree" is informal and can be seen as overly emphatic. "Strongly agree" maintains a formal tone while conveying a similar level of conviction.

5. "brings numerous benefits" -> "offers numerous benefits"
   Explanation: "Offers" is a more formal synonym for "brings," which is more commonly used in academic writing to describe the provision of advantages.

6. "facilitates for them to get" -> "facilitates their access to"
   Explanation: "Facilitates their access to" is more precise and formal, improving the sentence structure and clarity.

7. "early navigated about" -> "early introduced to"
   Explanation: "Introduced to" is more accurate and formal than "navigated about," which is awkward and unclear in this context.

8. "opt for a suitable occupation" -> "select a suitable profession"
   Explanation: "Select a suitable profession" is more formal and specific, fitting better in an academic context than "opt for a suitable occupation."

9. "raising their awareness of equipping with essential skills" -> "enhancing their awareness of acquiring essential skills"
   Explanation: "Enhancing their awareness of acquiring essential skills" corrects the awkward and incorrect phrase "raising their awareness of equipping with," which is grammatically incorrect and unclear.

10. "getting a high-paid job" -> "securing high-paying employment"
    Explanation: "Securing high-paying employment" is more formal and precise than "getting a high-paid job," which is informal and slightly vague.

11. "flexible to appropriately alter themselves" -> "more adaptable to adjust"
    Explanation: "More adaptable to adjust" simplifies and clarifies the phrase, removing redundancy and enhancing formality.

12. "ignorant in career orientation" -> "uninformed about career orientation"
    Explanation: "Uninformed about career orientation" is a more precise and academically appropriate term than "ignorant in career orientation," which is informal and potentially offensive.

13. "leading students to have difficulty" -> "resulting in students facing difficulties"
    Explanation: "Resulting in students facing difficulties" is more formal and avoids the passive construction, which is less preferred in academic writing.

14. "limit students’ understanding" -> "constrain students’ understanding"
    Explanation: "Constrain" is a more precise and formal term than "limit," which is somewhat vague in this context.

15. "both high income and comfort" -> "both high salaries and job satisfaction"
    Explanation: "High salaries and job satisfaction" is a more specific and formal way to describe the benefits of a job, replacing the vague and informal "high income and comfort."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing the inclusion of career-oriented subjects in the high school curriculum and providing reasons for this stance. The introduction clearly states the writer’s agreement with the idea, and the body paragraphs present arguments supporting this position. The essay mentions both the advantages of including such subjects and the disadvantages of not including them, which aligns well with the prompt’s request for reasons and examples. However, while the essay does touch on both sides, it could benefit from a more balanced exploration of counterarguments to strengthen the overall argument.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could include more specific examples or case studies that illustrate the benefits of career-oriented subjects. Additionally, acknowledging and addressing potential counterarguments more thoroughly would provide a more comprehensive answer to the prompt.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The writer maintains a clear position throughout the essay, consistently advocating for the inclusion of career-oriented subjects. Phrases like "I totally agree with this opinion" and "I agree with the inclusion of career-oriented subjects to a significant extent" reinforce this clarity. However, there are moments where the transition between points could be smoother, which might cause slight confusion about the main argument.
  • How to improve: To improve clarity, the writer should ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that directly relates to the thesis. Additionally, using transitional phrases can help guide the reader through the argument more effectively.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several well-developed ideas, such as the benefits of career-oriented subjects in preparing students for the job market and facilitating informed career choices. The use of examples, such as the importance of technological skills, supports these ideas effectively. However, some points could be further elaborated to provide deeper insights. For instance, the mention of "high-paid jobs" could be expanded with examples of specific careers or industries that benefit from such education.
  • How to improve: To strengthen the support for ideas, the writer should aim to provide more specific examples and data where applicable. Including statistics or real-life examples of students who have benefited from career-oriented education would enhance the persuasiveness of the arguments.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay remains largely focused on the topic of career-oriented subjects in high school curricula. The writer successfully avoids irrelevant tangents, maintaining a clear focus on the implications of such subjects for students’ future career paths. However, there are minor instances where the discussion could be more tightly aligned with the prompt, particularly in the concluding remarks, which could reiterate the importance of the subject matter more forcefully.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should revisit the prompt in the conclusion and summarize how the arguments presented directly support their position. This reinforces the relevance of the discussion and ensures that the reader is reminded of the main argument as the essay concludes.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a well-structured argument. By incorporating more specific examples, addressing counterarguments, and enhancing transitions, the writer could elevate their score even further.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument in favor of including career-oriented subjects in the high school curriculum. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, while the body paragraphs are logically structured, with the first paragraph discussing the advantages and the second addressing the disadvantages of not including such subjects. However, the transition between the two main points could be smoother. For instance, the phrase "Conversely" is used, but a more explicit connection to the previous paragraph could enhance the logical flow.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that not only indicate a shift in perspective but also summarize the previous point. For example, before introducing the disadvantages, a sentence summarizing the advantages could help reinforce the argument and lead into the counterpoint more seamlessly.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The first body paragraph discusses the benefits of including career-oriented subjects, while the second addresses the drawbacks of their absence. However, the paragraphs could be more balanced in length; the first paragraph is significantly longer and contains multiple ideas, which may overwhelm the reader.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraphing, aim for a more balanced structure by ensuring that each paragraph contains a similar number of sentences and ideas. Consider breaking down the first paragraph into two separate paragraphs: one focusing on the benefits of career-oriented subjects and the other on the adaptability of students in the job market. This would allow for clearer development of each idea and improve readability.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand," "Secondly," and "Conversely," which help to guide the reader through the argument. However, there is a tendency to rely on a limited range of cohesive devices, which can make the writing feel somewhat repetitive. For example, the phrase "may cause several disadvantages" could be varied to enhance engagement.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "may" or "is," try synonyms or alternative structures such as "could lead to" or "presents challenges." Additionally, using phrases like "Furthermore" or "In addition" can help to connect ideas more fluidly and maintain the reader’s interest.

Overall, while the essay achieves a solid level of coherence and cohesion, addressing the suggested improvements could elevate the writing to a higher band score. Focus on enhancing transitions, balancing paragraph lengths, and diversifying cohesive devices to create a more polished and effective argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary related to the topic of career-oriented subjects in education. Terms such as "integrate," "advocate," "navigate," and "adapt" indicate an attempt to use more sophisticated language. However, there are instances where the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive, particularly with phrases like "career paths" and "students." This limits the overall lexical variety and can make the writing feel less dynamic.
  • How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, the writer could incorporate synonyms or related terms. For example, instead of repeating "career paths," alternatives like "professional trajectories" or "employment avenues" could be used. Additionally, using more varied adjectives and adverbs would enrich the descriptions and arguments presented.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: While the essay generally uses vocabulary relevant to the topic, there are moments of imprecision. For instance, the phrase "facilitates for them to get better jobs" is awkward and could be more clearly expressed. The term "turbulence of the labour market" may also be misleading, as "turbulence" typically refers to instability rather than the dynamic nature of job markets.
  • How to improve: The writer should focus on clarity and precision in word choice. For example, instead of "facilitates for them to get better jobs," a clearer expression could be "helps them secure better job opportunities." Furthermore, replacing "turbulence" with "changes" or "fluctuations" would convey the intended meaning more accurately.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "high-paid" which is more commonly written as "high-paying." Additionally, "labour" is spelled correctly in British English but may be considered incorrect in American English, depending on the target audience. Overall, the spelling is mostly accurate, but attention to detail is needed.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, familiarizing oneself with commonly confused words and their correct forms can prevent mistakes in future essays.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and employs a reasonable range of vocabulary, there are areas for improvement in lexical variety, precision, and spelling accuracy. By incorporating more diverse vocabulary, ensuring precise word choice, and enhancing proofreading practices, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. For example, the sentence "When learners are early navigated about various kinds of professions, they can have a clearer understanding of their future career paths and opt for a suitable occupation for themselves" effectively combines multiple clauses to convey a nuanced idea. However, there are instances of awkward phrasing and redundancy, such as "facilitates for them to get better jobs," which could be more succinctly expressed. Additionally, the use of phrases like "may cause several disadvantages" could be varied with alternatives like "can lead to several drawbacks" to enhance the range.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures further, consider using more varied introductory phrases, such as "It is often argued that…" or "One could contend that…". Incorporating more conditional sentences (e.g., "If students are exposed to…") and varying the placement of clauses can also enhance the complexity and fluidity of the writing.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that detract from the overall quality. For instance, the phrase "facilitates for them to get better jobs" is grammatically incorrect; "facilitates" should not be followed by "for" in this context. Additionally, the sentence "raising their awareness of equipping with essential skills and experiences" is awkwardly constructed and lacks clarity. Punctuation is mostly accurate, but there are some run-on sentences that could benefit from clearer separation to improve readability.
  • How to improve: Focus on refining sentence construction to avoid awkward phrases. For example, instead of "raising their awareness of equipping with essential skills," consider "raising their awareness of the essential skills they need to acquire." Regularly reviewing grammar rules, particularly concerning verb forms and prepositions, can help improve accuracy. Additionally, practice breaking down longer sentences into shorter, clearer ones to enhance clarity and flow.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, addressing the highlighted weaknesses will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Whether many high schools should integrate career-oriented subjects into the curriculum is a topic of constant debate. A significant number of people contend that such subjects may be useful in better preparing students for their future. From my point of view, I strongly agree with this opinion, as this inclusion offers numerous benefits to learners.

On the one hand, those who advocate for the curriculum with career-oriented subjects argue that it brings several advantages to students. The primary benefit of this integration is that it facilitates their access to better jobs in the future. When learners are early introduced to various kinds of professions, they can have a clearer understanding of their future career paths and select a suitable profession for themselves. Hence, this raises their awareness of acquiring essential skills and experiences to improve their future career prospects, such as securing high-paying employment. Secondly, it helps students quickly adapt to the turbulence of the labour market. After high school graduation, students who are better prepared for their future career paths may be more adaptable to adjust to the speed of job market changes than those who are uninformed about career orientation. In today’s rapidly evolving job market, technological skills are increasingly essential. Including subjects related to IT, digital media, or engineering can equip students with the necessary skills to thrive in the modern economy, for instance.

Conversely, a curriculum without such subjects may cause several disadvantages to learners. The major disadvantage is that it leads students to have difficulty in making informed career choices after leaving school. A curriculum that does not include career-oriented subjects may constrain students’ understanding of the variety of career paths available to them. Without this exposure, they may struggle to find a good occupation that offers both high salaries and job satisfaction.

Overall, I agree with the inclusion of career-oriented subjects in the high school curriculum to a significant extent, as they can play a crucial role in preparing students for the demands of the modern workforce and helping them make informed career decisions.