These days, too many people maintain their health by relying on doctors and medicine, rather than by following a healthy lifestyle. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

In today's society, many individuals prioritize relying on medical professionals and medication over adopting a healthy lifestyle to maintain their well-being. I strongly agree with this trend, driven by the advancements in medical technology and the demanding nature of modern work environments. This essay will explore the reasons behind this shift, examining how the pressures of the job market and the availability of medical solutions contribute to the reliance on healthcare professionals.

In today's fast-paced society, many individuals face significant time constraints due to the intense competition in the job market. This pressure often forces people to work longer hours, including night shifts, which can disrupt their sleep patterns and overall health. For instance, doctors, who frequently work late shifts, may experience sleep deprivation, which negatively impacts their well-being. These demanding work conditions make it challenging for people to maintain a healthy lifestyle, leading many to seek medical solutions for health issues rather than adopting healthier habits. This trend reflects the reality that, in the face of time constraints, many people prioritize medical care over self-care, seeking quick fixes for health problems rather than investing time in preventive measures.

Medical advancements have significantly improved the availability of effective medications, making it easier for people to manage health issues without requiring significant lifestyle changes. This trend is evident in the development of specific medications for various symptoms, such as headaches, which can be effectively treated with targeted drugs. As a result, many individuals opt for medical solutions over adopting healthier lifestyles, reflecting the convenience and effectiveness of modern medical treatments. While these medications can alleviate symptoms, it is important to recognize that they often complement lifestyle changes for optimal health outcomes, underscoring the need for a balanced approach to health management.

In conclusion, I strongly agree with the trend of relying on medical professionals rather than a healthy lifestyle due to the demanding nature of modern jobs and the advancements in medical care. While this approach can provide immediate relief, it is crucial to also prioritize a balanced lifestyle for long-term health and well-being.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"In today’s society" -> "In contemporary society"
Explanation: "Contemporary" is a more precise and formal term than "today’s," which can sound somewhat colloquial and vague in academic writing.
"relying on" -> "depending on"
Explanation: "Depending on" is a more formal and precise term than "relying on," which can sound slightly informal and less specific in this context.
"I strongly agree with this trend" -> "This essay supports the notion that"
Explanation: Using "This essay supports the notion that" instead of "I strongly agree with this trend" shifts the focus from a personal opinion to an objective analysis, which is more appropriate in academic writing.
"the demanding nature of modern work environments" -> "the demanding nature of contemporary work environments"
Explanation: "Contemporary" is preferred over "modern" in academic contexts to denote the current time period in a more formal and precise manner.
"This essay will explore" -> "This essay will examine"
Explanation: "Examine" is a more academically precise verb than "explore," which can be seen as too vague and informal for scholarly writing.
"the pressures of the job market" -> "the pressures of the employment market"
Explanation: "Employment market" is a more formal term than "job market," aligning better with academic style.
"intense competition in the job market" -> "intense competition within the employment market"
Explanation: "Within" is more precise than "in" when referring to a specific context, enhancing the formality and clarity of the sentence.
"people to work longer hours" -> "individuals to work extended hours"
Explanation: "Extended hours" is a more formal term than "longer hours," and "individuals" is preferred over "people" in academic writing for its neutrality and formality.
"sleep deprivation, which negatively impacts their well-being" -> "sleep deprivation, which detrimentally affects their well-being"
Explanation: "Detrimentally affects" is a more formal and precise phrase than "negatively impacts," enhancing the academic tone.
"seek medical solutions for health issues" -> "seek medical interventions for health issues"
Explanation: "Interventions" is a more specific and formal term than "solutions," which is somewhat vague and informal for academic writing.
"quick fixes for health problems" -> "rapid solutions for health issues"
Explanation: "Rapid solutions" is a more formal and precise term than "quick fixes," which is colloquial and less appropriate for academic discourse.
"opt for medical solutions" -> "prefer medical interventions"
Explanation: "Prefer" is a more formal synonym for "opt for," and "interventions" is a more precise term than "solutions" in this context.
"complement lifestyle changes" -> "complement lifestyle modifications"
Explanation: "Modifications" is a more specific and formal term than "changes," which is somewhat vague and informal for academic writing.
"optimal health outcomes" -> "optimal health outcomes"
Explanation: No change needed as "optimal health outcomes" is already a precise and formal phrase suitable for academic writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by clearly stating a strong agreement with the notion that people rely more on doctors and medicine than on a healthy lifestyle. The introduction outlines the reasons for this trend, specifically mentioning advancements in medical technology and the pressures of modern work environments. However, while the essay discusses the reasons behind the reliance on medical solutions, it could benefit from a more explicit acknowledgment of the opposing viewpoint, which would demonstrate a more balanced consideration of the topic.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay could include a brief discussion of the potential benefits of a healthy lifestyle, even if the author ultimately disagrees with prioritizing it over medical solutions. This would provide a more comprehensive view of the issue and strengthen the argument by addressing counterarguments.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, consistently emphasizing the author’s agreement with the statement. The use of phrases like "I strongly agree" reinforces this stance. However, the conclusion reiterates the main points without exploring the implications of this reliance on medical solutions, which could enrich the argument.
- How to improve: To improve clarity and depth, the author could elaborate on the implications of relying on medical solutions over lifestyle changes in the conclusion. This could involve discussing potential long-term consequences for public health or individual well-being, thereby reinforcing the position while providing a more nuanced perspective.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents relevant ideas, such as the impact of job pressures on health and the convenience of medical advancements. Specific examples, like the mention of doctors experiencing sleep deprivation, effectively support the argument. However, the essay could benefit from additional examples or statistics to further substantiate the claims made, particularly regarding the effectiveness of medical solutions versus lifestyle changes.
- How to improve: To strengthen the support for ideas, the author could include more varied examples or data, such as studies showing the prevalence of reliance on medication or statistics about lifestyle-related health issues. This would provide a more robust foundation for the argument and enhance the overall persuasiveness of the essay.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic, discussing the reliance on medical professionals and medication in the context of modern life. The arguments are relevant and directly related to the prompt. However, there are moments where the discussion could be tightened to avoid any potential drift from the central theme, particularly in the exploration of medical advancements.
- How to improve: To maintain a tighter focus, the author should ensure that each paragraph directly ties back to the main argument. This can be achieved by explicitly linking examples and explanations back to the central theme of reliance on medical solutions versus healthy lifestyles, ensuring that every point made reinforces the overall argument.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and presents a clear position, but it could be improved by addressing counterarguments, providing more varied support for ideas, and ensuring tighter focus throughout the discussion.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear and logical structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the main argument and the points to be discussed. Each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next, maintaining a coherent flow of ideas. For instance, the first body paragraph effectively discusses the impact of job pressures on health, while the second body paragraph shifts to the role of medical advancements, both of which support the initial claim. The conclusion succinctly summarizes the argument, reinforcing the main points made throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance the logical flow further, consider using more explicit linking phrases between paragraphs. For example, at the beginning of the second body paragraph, a phrase like "In addition to the pressures of modern work, advancements in medical technology also play a crucial role" could strengthen the connection between the two ideas.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate distinct ideas, which aids in clarity and readability. Each paragraph has a clear main idea, supported by relevant examples. The introduction sets the stage, while the body paragraphs delve into specific reasons for the reliance on medical solutions. The conclusion effectively wraps up the discussion, reiterating the main argument.
- How to improve: While the paragraphing is generally effective, consider ensuring that each paragraph begins with a topic sentence that clearly states the main idea. This would further enhance clarity. For instance, the first body paragraph could start with a sentence like, "The demanding nature of modern work environments significantly contributes to the reliance on medical solutions."
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "for instance," "as a result," and "while," which help to connect ideas and clarify relationships between them. These devices enhance the readability of the essay and guide the reader through the argument. The use of cohesive devices is varied enough to maintain interest and avoid monotony.
- How to improve: To further diversify the range of cohesive devices, consider incorporating more transitional phrases that indicate contrast or comparison, such as "on the other hand" or "in contrast." For example, when discussing the convenience of medical solutions, a phrase like "However, this reliance on medication can overshadow the importance of preventive health measures" could provide a more nuanced view and enhance the overall argument.

In summary, the essay demonstrates strong coherence and cohesion, effectively organizing ideas and using paragraphs and cohesive devices to guide the reader. By implementing the suggested improvements, the clarity and logical flow of the essay can be further enhanced, potentially leading to an even higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 8

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a strong command of vocabulary, employing a variety of terms related to health, lifestyle, and medical advancements. Phrases like "medical professionals," "healthcare solutions," and "preventive measures" showcase a good range. The use of "fast-paced society" and "intense competition" effectively conveys the pressures of modern life. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more varied; for example, the term "healthy lifestyle" is repeated without synonyms or alternatives, which could enhance lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To further enhance vocabulary range, consider using synonyms or related phrases for commonly repeated terms. For instance, instead of repeating "healthy lifestyle," alternatives like "wellness practices," "health-conscious habits," or "balanced living" could be incorporated. This not only enriches the language but also demonstrates a broader lexical resource.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, with clear meanings conveyed throughout. Terms like "sleep deprivation" and "medical advancements" are used correctly and contribute to the clarity of the argument. However, there are moments where precision could be improved. For instance, the phrase "medical solutions for health issues" could be more specific; it may imply a wide range of treatments without clarifying which types of health issues are being referred to.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, consider specifying the types of health issues or medical solutions being discussed. For example, instead of saying "medical solutions for health issues," you might specify "pharmaceutical interventions for chronic conditions" or "targeted therapies for acute symptoms." This specificity will strengthen the argument and provide clearer insights into the discussion.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a high level of spelling accuracy, with no noticeable errors present. Words such as "individuals," "advancements," and "deprivation" are spelled correctly, reflecting a strong grasp of standard English spelling conventions. This contributes positively to the overall readability and professionalism of the essay.
- How to improve: While spelling is already strong, to maintain this level of accuracy, it is advisable to continue practicing spelling through regular reading and writing exercises. Engaging with a variety of texts can help reinforce correct spelling patterns and familiarize oneself with less common vocabulary. Additionally, utilizing spell-check tools can provide an extra layer of assurance during the writing process.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a commendable use of vocabulary, with strengths in range and spelling. To achieve an even higher score, focus on diversifying vocabulary, enhancing precision in word choice, and maintaining spelling accuracy through consistent practice.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. For example, the use of complex sentences is evident in phrases such as "This pressure often forces people to work longer hours, including night shifts, which can disrupt their sleep patterns and overall health." This sentence effectively combines multiple ideas, showcasing the writer’s ability to construct intricate thoughts. Additionally, the use of conditional structures, as seen in "While these medications can alleviate symptoms, it is important to recognize that they often complement lifestyle changes for optimal health outcomes," further illustrates the writer’s proficiency in varying sentence forms.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more compound-complex sentences and explore different introductory phrases or clauses. For instance, beginning sentences with adverbial clauses (e.g., "Although many people rely on medical solutions, adopting a healthy lifestyle should not be overlooked") can add depth and complexity. Additionally, integrating rhetorical questions or varying the placement of phrases within sentences can further diversify the writing style.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a high level of grammatical accuracy, with only minor errors that do not impede understanding. For example, the phrase "the demanding nature of modern jobs and the advancements in medical care" is grammatically correct and effectively conveys the intended meaning. However, there is a slight inconsistency in the use of commas, such as in the sentence "This trend reflects the reality that, in the face of time constraints, many people prioritize medical care over self-care." While the commas are used correctly here, the writer could benefit from a more consistent application of punctuation rules throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills, the writer should review the rules surrounding comma usage, particularly in complex sentences. Practicing the placement of commas in lists, after introductory phrases, and before conjunctions in compound sentences can enhance clarity. Additionally, proofreading for minor grammatical inconsistencies can help ensure that the writing remains polished and professional. Engaging in exercises that focus on common grammatical pitfalls, such as subject-verb agreement and verb tense consistency, would also be beneficial.

Overall, the essay is well-structured and demonstrates a strong command of grammatical range and accuracy, meriting a band score of 8. By diversifying sentence structures further and refining punctuation usage, the writer can aim for an even higher level of proficiency in future essays.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary society, many individuals prioritize relying on medical professionals and medication over adopting a healthy lifestyle to maintain their well-being. I strongly agree with this trend, driven by the advancements in medical technology and the demanding nature of contemporary work environments. This essay will examine the reasons behind this shift, exploring how the pressures of the employment market and the availability of medical solutions contribute to the reliance on healthcare professionals.

In today’s fast-paced society, many individuals face significant time constraints due to the intense competition within the employment market. This pressure often forces people to work longer hours, including night shifts, which can disrupt their sleep patterns and overall health. For instance, doctors, who frequently work late shifts, may experience sleep deprivation, which detrimentally affects their well-being. These demanding work conditions make it challenging for people to maintain a healthy lifestyle, leading many to seek medical interventions for health issues rather than adopting healthier habits. This trend reflects the reality that, in the face of time constraints, many people prioritize medical care over self-care, seeking rapid solutions for health problems rather than investing time in preventive measures.

Medical advancements have significantly improved the availability of effective medications, making it easier for people to manage health issues without requiring significant lifestyle changes. This trend is evident in the development of specific medications for various symptoms, such as headaches, which can be effectively treated with targeted drugs. As a result, many individuals prefer medical interventions over adopting healthier lifestyles, reflecting the convenience and effectiveness of modern medical treatments. While these medications can alleviate symptoms, it is important to recognize that they often complement lifestyle modifications for optimal health outcomes, underscoring the need for a balanced approach to health management.